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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay with my baby at the childminder's?

152 replies

anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 09:47

NC for this thread.

I'm a highly anxious new mum (diagnosed with postnatal anxiety and depression). I've been struggling a lot but the biggest fear I have is of leaving my baby with anyone else. She's 7 months and so far I've left her only with her father for up to an hour or so at a time. I can't bear to leave her with anyone else or for any longer than that.

I have to go back to work in the new year. Childminder lined up - all good, very happy with her from first impressions. We have taster sessions booked in for November where the plan is for me to take her and leave her for a few hours to half a day initially, then progress to a couple full days in early December.

The thing is, I just can't face leaving her yet, not even for a few hours. Would it be completely weird of me to ask the childminder if I can stay for those first few hours to ease her in, then try leaving her on the next taster session? I don't want it to seem to the childminder as though I don't trust her or wanting to "observe" her, because this is absolutely not the case at all - I've researched enough about her and got good enough impressions from her to feel like she's the best possible person for my baby. But I also don't want to tell her the details of my severe anxiety. Will she be used to parents wanting to do this? Or will it come across as offensive or strange?

Please - no comments along the lines of "why did you have a baby if you're going to dump her in childcare" etc. I've seen them before on threads like these and I honestly have no time or emotional energy for them so I will completely ignore any such comments. I'm simply looking for views on staying with my baby at her settling in sessions and how to approach this with the childminder so as not to offend her!

Many thanks.

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 26/10/2021 10:00

@Thehop

From a safeguarding point of view, I’d arrange your visits on days for just you. Saturdays maybe.
I don't know if it's fair to ask the childminder to work Saturdays if they don't normally. Mine didn't charge for the settling in sessions, but that's not to say that others wouldn't.
SuperSange · 26/10/2021 10:00

I guess it depends how many other children they have/what they've got planned etc. My CM used to take the children on days out, so soft play, walks etc. You need to fit in with what they have planned, especially if it won't be a one time thing. Are you getting help for the anxiety?

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:00

@shouldistop

Yes she wouldn't have let me stay at house for an hour or so on the initial meeting if that were a concern, I'm sure.

I'm also DBS checked for my own job anyway!

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 26/10/2021 10:01

I stayed with my child for the first settling in session at the childminder, it was the way she did things, we stayed for 2hrs together and the next one she stayed for 2hrs alone and we built up from there, ask her and see what she says. Most childminders want to do as much as they possibly can to make the transition as easy as possible for you

RestingPandaFace · 26/10/2021 10:01

You could absolutely do this, but, and I mean this gently, would it help?

If your anxiety is so severe that you can’t leave her with her father for more than an hour perhaps you need to work on that first. Leaving her with her father or trusted family little and often and working up to longer away from her before your taster sessions might be a good idea.

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:03

@Mulhollandmagoo

I stayed with my child for the first settling in session at the childminder, it was the way she did things, we stayed for 2hrs together and the next one she stayed for 2hrs alone and we built up from there, ask her and see what she says. Most childminders want to do as much as they possibly can to make the transition as easy as possible for you

Oh this sounds ideal! Yes I will just ask her and stop over thinking it I think

OP posts:
Cuntness · 26/10/2021 10:03

@Hockeyboysmum

Im not sure if this would be allowed under covid restrictions. I had to stay in garden at nursery for my sons first settling in session.
What Covid restrictions?!
shouldistop · 26/10/2021 10:04

Yes she wouldn't have let me stay at house for an hour or so on the initial meeting if that were a concern, I'm sure
It's not a concern, people are talking out of their arses.
I'd just ask if she'd mind if you stay for the first session and make it an hour. Say that you're a bit anxious about leaving her.
As I said at our local nursery it's perfectly normal for a parent to stay for the first couple pr sessions. When I settled my 5yo in and now my 10mo.

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:05

@SuperSange

I guess it depends how many other children they have/what they've got planned etc. My CM used to take the children on days out, so soft play, walks etc. You need to fit in with what they have planned, especially if it won't be a one time thing. Are you getting help for the anxiety?

Yes good point, she does take them out places etc so I'd have to check. But I know she also has 2 others working with her (they work as a team), so possible I could stay at her house with my baby even if the others went out. But I
I will check for definite

OP posts:
shouldistop · 26/10/2021 10:05

What Covid restrictions?

In Scotland we still have restrictions. Schools still in bubbles etc. It's not affecting settling in at ds2s nursery though.

Blurp · 26/10/2021 10:08

Regarding child protection, CMs can have visitors if they want, so that won't be a problem. I used to occasionally visit a friend who was a CM and she just got me to sign in and out, and didn't leave me alone with the kids.

Rosebel · 26/10/2021 10:09

I was allowed to stay for the first session with my DDs at nursery and CM but this was long before Covid.
I wasn't allowed to do it with my son at the beginning of the year but maybe depends on what cases are like in your area.
I think that would be the only reason for any objection from CM. If you can't actually stay maybe see if you could wait outside so you can hear how she's settling in.

Eechuffingnuff · 26/10/2021 10:10

I think you should be as honest as you can bring yourself to be with the childminder. I don't think your anxiety is something to be ashamed of, and it may impact on your relationship with her. If she doesn't know then she won't be able to accommodate it?

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:10

@RestingPandaFace

You could absolutely do this, but, and I mean this gently, would it help?

If your anxiety is so severe that you can’t leave her with her father for more than an hour perhaps you need to work on that first. Leaving her with her father or trusted family little and often and working up to longer away from her before your taster sessions might be a good idea.

I'm not sure if it will help. It's just that when I imagine walking away from the house leaving my baby behind I'm into full blown panic mode. It's just not something I can comprehend at the moment. Sad

OP posts:
SpookyPumpkinPants · 26/10/2021 10:12

Just talk to her, maybe ask if there's anytime before the settling in sessions start that you could pop around for an hour or so, just so DD can get used to her & the house before you leave her for the settling in sessions.

In the meantime, get used to leaving her with DH for longer periods of time.

It might be hard & you might not want to, but maybe just look at us as something you don't have to like, you just have to do (like going to the dentist!).

Don't delay it because as their separation anxiety is generally the worst around 9 months, so it might make it better for you, but it won't for her. Get her settled with the CM sooner rather than later!!

Childminders are used to parents who are anxious about leaving their babies (with effectively a stranger) they generally don't take it personally.

From your comments, It seems like maybe you feel a bit/lot of guilt at leaving her to go to work (also quite normal) but if you want/have to go to work it's a necessity isnt is, unless you take her with you!

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:12

@Eechuffingnuff

I think you should be as honest as you can bring yourself to be with the childminder. I don't think your anxiety is something to be ashamed of, and it may impact on your relationship with her. If she doesn't know then she won't be able to accommodate it?

I just wasn't sure if it would be oversharing as I've only just met the woman. But maybe you're right as otherwise she can't help can she. She might have heard similar before...

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 26/10/2021 10:13

What small steps could you take between now and then that will stretch you a little without making you panicky?

Could you let Dad take her somewhere this week for a couple of hours? Maybe plan an activity or some jobs for yourself at the same time as a distraction?

Thatsplentyjack · 26/10/2021 10:14

Honestly, as a childminder I would say this is a bad idea, and I wouldn't agree to it. An hour maybe but not the full 3 hours or half of they day because you would be in the way ( no offence). Iv3e also found it's easier if the child knows that when she goes to the childminders, mum doesn't go too. Makes it easier for her.

Maybe ask her if you could start with a shorted period of time. An hour perhaps.

1940s · 26/10/2021 10:14

This is how my settle in sessions with childminder went.

Visit to meet on a Saturday for approx 30 minutes which I stayed for. No other children there. We had already discussed the 'admin' on other calls and messages so this was purely focussed on her setting and her chemistry with my child.

Second meet was me going on a weekday and spending 30 minutes with childminder, my child and then me leaving for 30 minutes.

Third meeting was a half days drop off with me leaving quite 'quickly' and normally as I would long term.

Fourth meeting was her first full day there

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:18

@SpookyPumpkinPants

Yes you're right about the guilt. It's absolutely killing me but I don't really have a choice as financially we can't afford for me to stay off longer as much as I wish we could.

It's a good point about CMs being used to this type of anxiety and not being offended etc. I didn't think of it like that. She's been a CM for 15 years so I'm sure she's seen all the tears from mums right?

I will practice leaving her for longer with DH. And not phoning him for an update every 20 mins 🙈

Haha I'd love to take her to work and set up a little crèche in my office but I think that might be frowned upon Grin

OP posts:
Cuntness · 26/10/2021 10:21

@shouldistop

What Covid restrictions?

In Scotland we still have restrictions. Schools still in bubbles etc. It's not affecting settling in at ds2s nursery though.

Ahh. I hadn't realised (or considered) that it was different in Scotland etc.

I have been living relatively normally in England (just with a mask and keeping away from strangers) and was concerned I'd missed something here!

ImUninsultable · 26/10/2021 10:21

@shouldistop

I'm in Scotland. Our council have removed bubbles. My kid's primary school is pretty much back to pre-covid. Lunch time clubs are back on which mix year groups etc. No bubbles.

Floralnomad · 26/10/2021 10:21

I can’t see how you staying for the first time is going to help as the problem isn’t the baby it’s you , you’ve already been and sat there for an hour , you know she’s a lovely lady . It may be a better idea to drop baby off and then sit in the car for 30 minutes outside so you know you are close by if needed .

Fetarabbit · 26/10/2021 10:22

The settling in sessions we had were 30 minutes where I stayed (a day the childminder wasn't working so had no other children), then an hour where I stayed for the start and then left and came back, and then left for 2 hours. He then (at our choice) did half days for a week before going into full days. Talk to the childminder and I'm sure you can come up with something, I doubt you'll be the first!

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:22

@Thatsplentyjack

Honestly, as a childminder I would say this is a bad idea, and I wouldn't agree to it. An hour maybe but not the full 3 hours or half of they day because you would be in the way ( no offence). Iv3e also found it's easier if the child knows that when she goes to the childminders, mum doesn't go too. Makes it easier for her.

Maybe ask her if you could start with a shorted period of time. An hour perhaps.

I appreciate your view and I get what you are saying. It would just be the initial one, after that I know I'd have to leave her. So my thinking was just the first taster session which I'd planned to be around 2-3 hrs max. Then the next one maybe a half day session (1-5pm or something like that) without me. So my baby would know eventually that it's a place she goes without me. Just not for the first one. I wouldn't want to get in the way of her doing her job though.

OP posts:
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