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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay with my baby at the childminder's?

152 replies

anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 09:47

NC for this thread.

I'm a highly anxious new mum (diagnosed with postnatal anxiety and depression). I've been struggling a lot but the biggest fear I have is of leaving my baby with anyone else. She's 7 months and so far I've left her only with her father for up to an hour or so at a time. I can't bear to leave her with anyone else or for any longer than that.

I have to go back to work in the new year. Childminder lined up - all good, very happy with her from first impressions. We have taster sessions booked in for November where the plan is for me to take her and leave her for a few hours to half a day initially, then progress to a couple full days in early December.

The thing is, I just can't face leaving her yet, not even for a few hours. Would it be completely weird of me to ask the childminder if I can stay for those first few hours to ease her in, then try leaving her on the next taster session? I don't want it to seem to the childminder as though I don't trust her or wanting to "observe" her, because this is absolutely not the case at all - I've researched enough about her and got good enough impressions from her to feel like she's the best possible person for my baby. But I also don't want to tell her the details of my severe anxiety. Will she be used to parents wanting to do this? Or will it come across as offensive or strange?

Please - no comments along the lines of "why did you have a baby if you're going to dump her in childcare" etc. I've seen them before on threads like these and I honestly have no time or emotional energy for them so I will completely ignore any such comments. I'm simply looking for views on staying with my baby at her settling in sessions and how to approach this with the childminder so as not to offend her!

Many thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:45

@Cyclingforcake

My childminder has the opinion that the best way for children to settle is to see the parents and childminder being friends. So I was invited on outings and to coffee and play at home and to playgroups with them before I left the children there alone. It was lovely and helped ease that ‘I’m leaving my baby with a stranger feeling’. Apparently there is some research to prove this works.

Oh this is so lovely! My CM did actually say when I first met her she has become close friends with many of the parents of the children she cares for over the years, which I found so lovely.

OP posts:
Rainbowunicorn76 · 26/10/2021 10:47

I work in a ASC unit in a school and our settling in process goes:
Visit with parent to look around and take photos- stay and play session with parent-short stay and play session where parent goes for a cup of tea at some point-hour long session alone-half day session alone then either extend or up to full time if they're fine.

Not that anybody in OP's scenario has additional needs but a parent staying for a little while can be a commonplace part of a settling in process and isn't a terrible idea as long as the parent understands that at some point they need to hand the baby over and leave.

I do agree with pp saying that lingering at transition time makes it harder, but op is only suggesting staying as a one off.

Beseen22 · 26/10/2021 10:49

The reason it might unsettle her is because you are so in tune with each other and she can pick up that you aren't comfortable with leaving her. With DS I was advised to say a big cheery bye and big cuddle and walk out the door. Dont sneak out. He absolutely did cry...of course he did! But I was to call in 10 minutes and get an update and he was absolutely fine.

I remember being a bit sad about it all, it was my PFB and we tried for years and it did feel a sad dropping him off to someone else but my DH said that its just the next stage of being his mum, it looks a little different but there will be new things to go through. And now my big boy is off to school and I've just kept that in the back of my head.

What about if your daughters DF took her out one morning to let you have a long lie and have a nice easy morning? Then you would be in all your comfort zone at home, you know she is safe with her daddy and they'll will be home at x time. Just to work up to it.

Alwayswantedasmegf · 26/10/2021 10:49

I would just ask OP. I agree with other posters just explain to her and I'm sure she will be understanding.

Certain fields most definitely are going by covid restrictions still.

Blueberryflavour · 26/10/2021 10:50

Be honest with yourself, is one session where you stay at the CM really going to allay your anxiety though, how many times would it take? If you have left your baby with her dad for a few very short sessions and it hasn’t relieved your anxiety, presumably you trust him so how is it going to be any different with the CM not matter how nice and accommodating they are? I would focus more on practising leaving her with dad or other trusted family/ friends and build up time that you leave her.

Staryflight445 · 26/10/2021 10:54

Are you sure a childminder is the the best fit for your needs?
I never liked the idea of a childminder because I’d feel uncomfortable with the idea of my child being in their car/ being in public etc with them.

Nursery may be a better choice for you op? No one is ever left alone with the children, plenty of trained adults around for emergencies, you know that your child will be in the building.

ImUninsultable · 26/10/2021 10:58

@Staryflight445

Are you sure a childminder is the the best fit for your needs? I never liked the idea of a childminder because I’d feel uncomfortable with the idea of my child being in their car/ being in public etc with them.

Nursery may be a better choice for you op? No one is ever left alone with the children, plenty of trained adults around for emergencies, you know that your child will be in the building.

What? Being in public with them? That's a concern? Some people are really very odd.

OP has settled on this childminder. It makes her comfortable. It works for her. Other people who sont want their children in public with a childminder are not helping the OP by saying that. It's total nonsense.

DeepaBeesKit · 26/10/2021 10:59

This can work if you just do it once for a short time, but don't do it lots or your child may learn to recognise the CMs house as a place where you are with them, and will expect you to always be there.

2bazookas · 26/10/2021 10:59

Can you explain how I might unsettle my baby by being there? She's had me by her side every day since birth - how will my presence unsettle her? Surely it will do the opposite and reassure her? Just trying to understand what you mean.*

     Because of your mental health issue,  the first day of leaving your baby with CM is going to be very high-stress for you.  With stress hormones flooding your body , you'll be feeling it physically as well as in your head.  You'll be giving of stress pheremones.

Babies often pick up and respond to their mothers pheremones, mood and body language and that is how anxious you staying could unsettle her. If she then grizzled or howled, your anxiety would escalate and have the same effect on her.

   You have to separate your needs from hers.  What baby needs is a  swift  easy transition into the arms of  that calm  experienced  carer.   What baby needs,  is for  the CM to be totally focussed on   baby , ( not, CM  distracted by your  tears and  anxiety and trying to reassure you).
Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 11:05

@Staryflight445

Are you sure a childminder is the the best fit for your needs? I never liked the idea of a childminder because I’d feel uncomfortable with the idea of my child being in their car/ being in public etc with them.

Nursery may be a better choice for you op? No one is ever left alone with the children, plenty of trained adults around for emergencies, you know that your child will be in the building.

Yes I'm 100% sure that's she's the best fit for my needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 11:07

@2bazookas

That makes sense. I would obviously try very hard not to allow my baby to pick up on my anxiety/ upset at leaving her (I'm well practised at this with my mental health struggles since her birth). But I do get what you mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 11:09

One of my biggest fears with leaving her is that she will suddenly realise I'm gone when she looks around and feel scared that mummy has "abandoned" her. Will this happen? Or is this my own anxiety and not likely in reality?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 26/10/2021 11:09

Ask her. I'd also perhaps try and start leaving dh with baby for an hour then build up every week until you get to a full day.

Hankunamatata · 26/10/2021 11:10

Also have you considered dh taking baby to childminder?

MazzleDazzle · 26/10/2021 11:12

@Blueberryflavour makes a good point.

We’ve had 2 amazing childminders over the years. I trusted them both completely and my DC loved going there, but 2 out of 3 of my kids sometimes cried at drop off time. My youngest is very stubborn and on some days he refused to go in completely. They were the same when they went to nursery too.

They’re older and laugh about it now! Hmm

You need to prepare yourself for this reality. You could find the best nursery/childminder in the world - but your DC might still be reluctant to go in.

EducatingArti · 26/10/2021 11:17

It is never too young to help babies start to learn that "mummy always comes back".
Do you read to your little one ( never too young to do that either) I'd suggest getting The Owl Babies as a book you could read to her. There will be others whith a similar theme of mummy coming back. Play peepo etc. It all helps!

Staryflight445 · 26/10/2021 11:20

@ImUninsultable it isn’t odd at all. I’ve seen lots of childminders around day to day, often not even watching children.
I’ve seen a bunch of childminders chatting at softplay before with babies sat there with no food.

There’s a childminder in my area who drives around like an absolute loon, doesn’t seem to watch them closely next to busy main roads.

I wouldn’t trust a childminder personally, I’d prefer my child to be in a nursery, have access to lots of safe secure outside time and build bonds with multiple staff members.
I know I’m not the only one.

smoko · 26/10/2021 11:21

"The thing is, I just can't face leaving her yet, not even for a few hours. Would it be completely weird of me to ask the childminder if I can stay for those first few hours to ease her in, then try leaving her on the next taster session?"

The thing is what if your anxiety isn't eased & then the next session you need to be there?

I think you need to get a hold of your anxiety because you will end up projecting your own issues onto your daughter & stifling her independence

Child of an anxious parent here - every action my mother has taken is based on fear. It's had negative impact on me & I missed out on a lot of opportunities because her fear stopped her from encouraging me to try things.

I would really just get a handle on this for your sanity & your girl's benefit here.

Also as someone else said, just have a coffee & chat with childminder to ease you in!

Your fears that she is going to think mummy abandoned her are untrue. You explain to her mummy is coming back soon. Then you do return soon. Then she learns she is not abandoned. She grows in confidence.

I beg of you to get help for your anxiety because the adult product of an anxious parent isn't good.

LastToBePicked · 26/10/2021 11:22

@anxiousmummy2021

One of my biggest fears with leaving her is that she will suddenly realise I'm gone when she looks around and feel scared that mummy has "abandoned" her. Will this happen? Or is this my own anxiety and not likely in reality?
To be honest, however you do it, there is likely to a period where there are tears. And it is tough, there is no getting around it.

But…most children/babies get over it quickly. They learn that you DO come back, that they haven’t been abandoned. And to be honest I think establishing that confidence in a child early is no bad thing - I’ve just dropped my primary age kids at a holiday club and they’ve run in happily without a backward glance, no nerves, no hesitation. Think about it as teaching a valuable lesson early.

EducatingArti · 26/10/2021 11:24

Yuor daughter will have phases where she gets anxious at you leaving but separation anxiety in babies and toddlers is a perfectly normal phase/stage to go through.
They are figuring out that they are not actually attached to you/part of you but that your relationship is still strong and secure.
Your role is to help her understand that although the separation anxiety feeling is not nice it isn't a huge panicky overwhelming thing and that she needn't be scared of it. You ( and the child minder) can be there to help her contain those feelings and know that they aren;t overwhelming and that separation doesn't mean abandonment - ie, you always come back.
You could also practice at home- being in the same room as her and dad and saying clearly "I'm just going upstairs for a shower/to put washing away, see you in a minute dd" so she is clear you are leavign the room. Let her Dad provide comfort and support if she is upsent/anxious when you leave. this is fine and is actually helpful fo rher to begin to get the sense she isn't part of you with another loving person to support her. Then come back and make a thing over "I'm back now, mummy always comes back".

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 11:25

I beg of you to get help for your anxiety because the adult product of an anxious parent isn't good.*

I am seeing a therapist, I've said this a few times

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 11:27

@EducatingArti

Your posts are incredibly helpful, and helping to ease my anxiety. thank you

OP posts:
Cakeandslippers · 26/10/2021 11:27

There are quite a few posts on here from people who clearly do not understand how childminders operate, or have never interacted with them! Childminders and nurseries aren't the same and I think a few of these responses are coming at the issue from a nursery perspective.

I have two children at a lovely childminder. With my first I took her a couple of times for a cup of tea and a play, just for an hour, then she went on her own for a couple of hours, then half a day. She loved it and we never looked back. With my second I didn't bother but her knew her already as he'd seen her twice a day at pick up and drop of the first year of his life!

MazzleDazzle · 26/10/2021 11:27

@Staryflight445 you could say that about any childcare setting. My friend worked in a nursery and based on her experience she would no way recommend putting a child to nursery. The owner cared more about making money than anything else and children were left to cry… but that’s just one nursery. I’m sure there are others like it, but it isn’t fair to make a sweeping generalisation. You can’t judge all childminders on the behaviour of a few.

Aria2015 · 26/10/2021 11:27

I felt similarly when my daughter had nursery introductions (she only goes a couple of mornings and week). I asked if I could stay and they let me stay in the outside area (covid), however in the end I left after 10 minutes because my baby totally burnt me off and disappeared inside without looking back so I was sitting outside on my own like a lemon! I'd ask if you can stay but be prepared to leave if your baby settles well because ultimately that's what's will help them settle (getting used to you going but then coming back). It's never easy to leave them but it does get easier.