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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay with my baby at the childminder's?

152 replies

anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 09:47

NC for this thread.

I'm a highly anxious new mum (diagnosed with postnatal anxiety and depression). I've been struggling a lot but the biggest fear I have is of leaving my baby with anyone else. She's 7 months and so far I've left her only with her father for up to an hour or so at a time. I can't bear to leave her with anyone else or for any longer than that.

I have to go back to work in the new year. Childminder lined up - all good, very happy with her from first impressions. We have taster sessions booked in for November where the plan is for me to take her and leave her for a few hours to half a day initially, then progress to a couple full days in early December.

The thing is, I just can't face leaving her yet, not even for a few hours. Would it be completely weird of me to ask the childminder if I can stay for those first few hours to ease her in, then try leaving her on the next taster session? I don't want it to seem to the childminder as though I don't trust her or wanting to "observe" her, because this is absolutely not the case at all - I've researched enough about her and got good enough impressions from her to feel like she's the best possible person for my baby. But I also don't want to tell her the details of my severe anxiety. Will she be used to parents wanting to do this? Or will it come across as offensive or strange?

Please - no comments along the lines of "why did you have a baby if you're going to dump her in childcare" etc. I've seen them before on threads like these and I honestly have no time or emotional energy for them so I will completely ignore any such comments. I'm simply looking for views on staying with my baby at her settling in sessions and how to approach this with the childminder so as not to offend her!

Many thanks.

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 26/10/2021 10:23

I love how people discuss safeguarding as if they know what they're talking about 🙄🤣

You can ask. Explain you have anxiety and just want it to go smoothly for you both. If she's an experienced childminder she'll have seen all sorts of families and differing experiences. Including kids like mine who just walked in and started playing trains without even acknowledging her or that he's leaving me (he's autistic!).

Have you had any cbt for your anxiety? It can really help. If you can afford it could you manage to book some sessions privately?

ImUninsultable · 26/10/2021 10:24

How does your husband feel about not being allowed to be alone with his child?

It really is time for you to start letting him have his time being solely responsible. Go out for half a day, have lunch with a friend, go for a walk, go to the hairdresser.

Once you start doing it and you see that baby is safe and well then it gets easier. It really will be much easier for you to try starting this in your home with your husband. Then when you go to the childminder settling in, it wont be a big shock for you and you will be more prepared for leaving.

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:24

@Floralnomad

I can’t see how you staying for the first time is going to help as the problem isn’t the baby it’s you , you’ve already been and sat there for an hour , you know she’s a lovely lady . It may be a better idea to drop baby off and then sit in the car for 30 minutes outside so you know you are close by if needed .

DH suggested this too actually....

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:26

@ImUninsultable

He's very supportive of my illness. He understands. It's not about "not being allowed" to be alone with her in the controlling way that sounds written down. It's about me finding it physically unbearable to spend that length of time away from her, despite how much I trust him and how good a father he is. I'm thankful he understands that.

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:27

For those asking, yes I'm seeing a therapist who is immensely helpful. But it's a work in progress and there's no quick fix unfortunately...

OP posts:
ImUninsultable · 26/10/2021 10:29

But you need to start trying.

Because right now you're saying that you'll just stay for the first day and then leave for the next, but in reality, you're going to probably try and stay for an hour or 2 the next day as well. It makes it harder for your child to settle in and understand that this is a place without mum and it makes it harder for you because you still can't let go.

Start leaving your husband and child alone for a few hours and then a full "working day".

wendz86 · 26/10/2021 10:30

I did a very gradual settle in with my youngest and childminder . I stayed for first session then started leaving for half hour and built up from there . She didn’t properly settle until she was staying all day but was fine after that.

redtshirt50 · 26/10/2021 10:30

I think you need to rip the bandaid off.

The childminder will probably be accommodating - but it's just dragging out the inevitable.

I would make sure you have something planned that will keep your mind busy for the few hours your baby is there.

Lunch with friends or family would be good, so you can't just not go. Or maybe an appointment with the hairdressers or getting your nails done?

maddy68 · 26/10/2021 10:30

A big no from me. You are likely to unsettle your child if you linger. You are doing this for you and not the baby

Also you are a safeguarding concern if she has other children

Drop and leave. Better for you and your baby

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/10/2021 10:32

I agree with a previous PP. You have already spent an hour with her and seen her with your little one. The problem is leaving your DC there. It would be better to drop DC and leave straight away for an hour or two.

I would also be leaving DC with Dad and maybe grandparent as well to help work on your anxiety

EducatingArti · 26/10/2021 10:33

I'd explain your feelings to childminder and ask for her help. If you think you are going to panic as you leave then maybe you could do a couple of sessions where you stay for a bit, leave just for an hour and then come back so you practice the "leaving" bit
I'd also think about seeing if you could afford some brief therapy to help you manage this difficulty or at least try and get some self-help techniques to use.
It is so amazing that you are wanting to deal with this. Obviously a lot of parents feel anxious about leaving their baby for the first time but your issue seems a bit more than this. It is really great you want to deal with it as it is possible for your baby to pick up on your anxiety which could then affect her too

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2021 10:33

Will it really help you op? You’ve already done an hour and watched her with your baby. Potentially thr solution is to start to leave her more and more with family, and as previously suggested sit someplace close by for the child minder.

The issue is not specific to the child minder and as it’s a mental health issue it’s unlikely that sitting in this woman’s house is going to resolve the issue.

user1471462428 · 26/10/2021 10:33

Our daughter childminder invited us over for a cup of tea and the kids play together. It was so lovely, she used to invite us in if they were in the middle of a game or to share their baking. She really became part of our family as a result. Please do what you makes you most comfortable, your baby will be fine but you need to take care of yourself because you are important too.

Cakeandcardio · 26/10/2021 10:35

Would it be of help to you if you explained some of your anxieties to your childminder and then waited in the car for the first day? Rather than staying with your child. This would give your child the benefits of being able to settle in but you would be so close by if anything were to happen. Please don't be hard on yourself for wanting to do this. Post natal anxieties etc aside, all parents worry about leaving their precious babies. I'm sure the CM will understand. Sitting outside in the car might also help you to adjust to this new time. Good luck!

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:36

@maddy68

A big no from me. You are likely to unsettle your child if you linger. You are doing this for you and not the baby

Also you are a safeguarding concern if she has other children

Drop and leave. Better for you and your baby

Can you explain how I might unsettle my baby by being there? She's had me by her side every day since birth - how will my presence unsettle her? Surely it will do the opposite and reassure her? Just trying to understand what you mean.

OP posts:
user1471462428 · 26/10/2021 10:36

Sitting in the car is also a good idea, I would take something to occupy your mind though. Sort through some paperwork? Write a shopping list?

2bazookas · 26/10/2021 10:36

I suggest a compromise; ask CM to let you stay for the first 20 minutes to assure yourself baby is settled, then without any goodbyes you quietly slip away.

  That recognises your anxiety is real , but  then YOU exert some control  to limit it. 

  I do sympathise with your anxiety , but  can you get yourself to a frame of mind   where you ring-fence it?   "My anxiety  is a problem for ME  but   I am not going to let it become  my child's problem."
Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:37

@EducatingArti

Thank you. Thanks

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 26/10/2021 10:37

I have experience of 3 different nurseries and the first settling session has always been the parent stays for roughly an hour and a half. Even in covid times I haven’t been expected to do a cold drop off and go, brand new person and brand new environment for the baby. If that’s all the childminder is offering I think that’s pretty shit.

Summerfun54321 · 26/10/2021 10:38

Could you look for a nursery with a more structured settling session instead?

maddy68 · 26/10/2021 10:41

She will pick up on your anxiety about leaving her. And it will make her unsettled and stressy

It's honestly better for it to be a quick handover.

You can of course give the childminder a ring in an hour to check she's settled.

Cyclingforcake · 26/10/2021 10:42

My childminder has the opinion that the best way for children to settle is to see the parents and childminder being friends. So I was invited on outings and to coffee and play at home and to playgroups with them before I left the children there alone. It was lovely and helped ease that ‘I’m leaving my baby with a stranger feeling’. Apparently there is some research to prove this works.

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 10:43

@Summerfun54321

The CM hasn't offered (or not offered) anything as yet. I haven't had this conversation with her yet, all we've done is arrange the dates and approximate length of time for taster sessions but not the finer details of me staying or not if you see what I mean. Every communication I've had with her so far about arrangements she has been incredibly flexible and basically said "whatever suits you best, I'll work around it". So I'm getting the impression she will be flexible if I was to ask - I'm just questioning whether I'll come across as wanting to "observe" her which is so not the case! I want to observe my baby, not her. A nursery is a definite no for me for my own personal reasons - I'm confident our CM is the right choice.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 26/10/2021 10:43

I think its fine, but I wonder if you're just avoiding the issue, a bit like 'I'll do it tomorrow' - if you stay at the first session then what's to say you're going to be totally fine then leaving her at the second session?

I think that you need to practice leaving her a little more with people who more fully understand the situation, DH for example with a gradual build up of time so you're not going straight from nothing to leaving her fully with the childminder.

I also think that you should arrange another cup of tea and chat type of session with the childminder rather than building up the first settling in session so much, little and often might work better for you.

You sound like a lovely Mum OP and this sounds really difficult for you,I really hope you can work it out Flowers

Cyclingforcake · 26/10/2021 10:44

Oh now she’s doing outside sessions and going to the park for new parents. As the parent of a current mindee I’m just pleased the new children are getting the same lovely treatment.