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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay with my baby at the childminder's?

152 replies

anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 09:47

NC for this thread.

I'm a highly anxious new mum (diagnosed with postnatal anxiety and depression). I've been struggling a lot but the biggest fear I have is of leaving my baby with anyone else. She's 7 months and so far I've left her only with her father for up to an hour or so at a time. I can't bear to leave her with anyone else or for any longer than that.

I have to go back to work in the new year. Childminder lined up - all good, very happy with her from first impressions. We have taster sessions booked in for November where the plan is for me to take her and leave her for a few hours to half a day initially, then progress to a couple full days in early December.

The thing is, I just can't face leaving her yet, not even for a few hours. Would it be completely weird of me to ask the childminder if I can stay for those first few hours to ease her in, then try leaving her on the next taster session? I don't want it to seem to the childminder as though I don't trust her or wanting to "observe" her, because this is absolutely not the case at all - I've researched enough about her and got good enough impressions from her to feel like she's the best possible person for my baby. But I also don't want to tell her the details of my severe anxiety. Will she be used to parents wanting to do this? Or will it come across as offensive or strange?

Please - no comments along the lines of "why did you have a baby if you're going to dump her in childcare" etc. I've seen them before on threads like these and I honestly have no time or emotional energy for them so I will completely ignore any such comments. I'm simply looking for views on staying with my baby at her settling in sessions and how to approach this with the childminder so as not to offend her!

Many thanks.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 26/10/2021 11:28

@anxiousmummy2021

One of my biggest fears with leaving her is that she will suddenly realise I'm gone when she looks around and feel scared that mummy has "abandoned" her. Will this happen? Or is this my own anxiety and not likely in reality?
This is your own anxiety.

CM are only allowed to have one under one and a total of 3 under 5. This means that the smallest gets lots of attention.

When I left my own DD at just under 10 months the CM gave her lots of cuddles and she got lots of attention from the older kids. My DD then replicated this behaviour with younger kids.

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 11:31

@RedMarauder

Ah yes that's a lovely way to look at it, and it's partly why I chose a CM over nursery setting.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 26/10/2021 11:31

OP you as PPs have said you need to start leaving your DD with her dad for short periods working up to a working day before she goes to the CM.

In addition when you are around others in your family, started getting them to hold her. You should then pop to the loo or to get drinks so you are in a different room.

Basically your DD will learn that you will always come back. Small children don't have the same concept of time we do.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 26/10/2021 11:40

The pre work total days are good, try an hour initially and see how you feel. It’ll be hard not to contact but one text half way through would be a start. You have to build up the trust you need with childminder and this is definitely a great way of doing it

Skyla2005 · 26/10/2021 11:40

I think it would be reasonable to stay for a little while then leave for a little while and repeat for maybe a few times over the course if a few weeks. You will gain confidence when you come back and see her happy !

Viviennemary · 26/10/2021 11:48

If you can arrange two shorter visits I think that would be better. Stay for twenty minutes or so first time then leave for say 40 minutes. Next timd stay for ten minutes and leave for a couple of hours. Are you taking the maximum leave allowed.

lanthanum · 26/10/2021 12:01

One thing to make sure you do, when you do first leave her, is to book yourself things to do in that timeslot, so you're distracted. If you go off Christmas shopping, you may cope better than if you go back home to an empty house. It may also be better for her dad to drop her off, so that your child doesn't pick up on your anxiety.

1AngelicFruitCake · 26/10/2021 12:11

I agonised over leaving my baby (not to the extent you are doing so I know it’s not the same) but the best advice is get used to your DH and grandparents looking after her as well. You don’t want your daughter to grow up worrying about you because even young children pick up on parents feelings. Keep in your mind that yes she might cry but in the long term you are helping her to learn to become used to other people. My daughter is at school and still begs me not to leave her but I know she is fine and I’m fine and she’s becoming so independent it’s great to see.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 26/10/2021 12:21

You'll have to ask the childminder, some won't mind, others would because they're planning to go out or having another adult around means its a safeguarding concern and the other kids might play up.

Jux · 26/10/2021 12:25

The confidence they develop from "mummy always comes back" that's the most important aspect here. Your child is going to learn that, it's a gift you are bestowing on her, one of many, but one which will underly so so much of everything else she learns. Remind yourself of that, of the enormous, irreplaceable gift you are giving, and the sacrifice to your own equanimity will feel worthwhile. I know that helped me quite a lot, and several other mums I met at the time.

1AngelicFruitCake · 26/10/2021 12:27

@Jux

The confidence they develop from "mummy always comes back" that's the most important aspect here. Your child is going to learn that, it's a gift you are bestowing on her, one of many, but one which will underly so so much of everything else she learns. Remind yourself of that, of the enormous, irreplaceable gift you are giving, and the sacrifice to your own equanimity will feel worthwhile. I know that helped me quite a lot, and several other mums I met at the time.
That is beautifully put. I often encounter parents, Mums unusually, who are trying to drop off an hysterical child at school. It’s important to remember that, like a lot of things with being a parent, that doing the best thing for your child doesn’t always mean doing the easiest thing.
Jujujuly · 26/10/2021 12:31

Agreed with @1AngelicFruitCake - lovely post @Jux

MissChanandlerBong81 · 26/10/2021 12:31

Definitely speak to the childminder. You don’t need to tell her all the details you’ve shared here but I would bet anything that having been a CM for 15 years, she will have seen it all and will be totally familiar with how you feel. Putting your child in childcare for the first time is a big milestone and any decent nursery/CM knows that. Plus, parents staying for a while during settling-in sessions isn’t an uncommon part of settling-in processes at all - I very much doubt she’ll think it’s a weird or inappropriate request.

kirinm · 26/10/2021 12:35

At 7 months I wouldn't have wanted to leave my DD either - and still didn't feel brilliant about it by the time I went back to work at 11 months. BUT my childminder was great and my DD settled relatively quickly. My CM would take the kids to the park every morning from about 9:30am so I would also go to the park. I'd sit in the background but was there. I did that for a few mornings because I plucked up the courage to go away for an hour or two.

My CM suggested two weeks to do settling in and I know some nurseries are much quicker than that.

Original poster
anxiousmummy2021 · 26/10/2021 12:35

@Jux

The confidence they develop from "mummy always comes back" that's the most important aspect here. Your child is going to learn that, it's a gift you are bestowing on her, one of many, but one which will underly so so much of everything else she learns. Remind yourself of that, of the enormous, irreplaceable gift you are giving, and the sacrifice to your own equanimity will feel worthwhile. I know that helped me quite a lot, and several other mums I met at the time.

This brought a tear to my eye. It's so true. Thank you Thanks

OP posts:
PeterIsACockwomble · 26/10/2021 12:37

Given that the OP is already anxious, I don't think it's helpful to start questioning her about whether a nursery might be better. She has made a decision based on what she considers to be the best thing for her baby.

OP, I agree with those who suggest leaving your baby with her dad even just for a few minutes at home (tell her that you're going to the loo and are coming back, or going to hang up the washing and are coming back in 5 minutes - she won't understand what 5 minutes is, but she'll start to get the hang of mummy leaving/coming back. Your husband can reinforce this with "Mummy has gone to hang up the washing, but she's coming back ... Mummy is coming back ... Oh, I can hear her footsteps now ... Oh look, Mummy is back" etc). It's just tiny steps at first. A PP suggested reading Owl Babies with her. and I also think that's a good idea.

I had to do the 'gradual leaving' with one of mine when they started school (didn't have any local family and didn't trust XH not to get them run over, so was with the DC the whole time), so your baby will benefit from you starting now.

I would also tell the CM that you have PND/anxiety. You won't be the first, and I would want to know if I were a CM.

The safeguarding thing is a red herring, bandied around by people who know very little about safeguarding other than that it's a modish word.

Flowers
FlippinFedUp21 · 26/10/2021 12:53

First of all your DD going to a childminders is absolutely fine. You definitely don't need to re-think that decision at all.

I think it's brilliant you're going back to work and DD will be going to childminders. Sounds like you're feeling the fear and doing it anyway which is absolutely the right approach. You should be really proud of yourself.

I remember feeling quite anxious about my son going to nursery. He was 13 months and I'd hardly left him with anyone. I needed to go back to work so a similar situation. He went for taster sessions, I would take him, stay for 15 minutes or so and then once he would settled would just slip out. I could see he was happy and playing so I knew it wasn't going to be an issue. Perhaps rather than staying for a longer period of time, you could stay for 15 minutes but only leave him with the childminder for an hour? Then extend that to 2 hours, 3 hours until you're at the full length of time? It's the "leaving" bit that causes you anxiety so make the time you leave your DD shorter, and then extend it. I don't think staying with her at the childminder's would solve the anxious feelings you're getting, if you see what I mean.

FlippinFedUp21 · 26/10/2021 12:54

Only leave her, sorry for typo

2bazookas · 26/10/2021 13:12

@anxiousmummy2021

One of my biggest fears with leaving her is that she will suddenly realise I'm gone when she looks around and feel scared that mummy has "abandoned" her. Will this happen? Or is this my own anxiety and not likely in reality?
Its your anxiety. Honestly.

I moved 100s of miles from relatives to total strangers; we had lots of babies and lived in a small city suburb so I started a baby sitting circle by posting letters through the doors of local mothers. We met up for coffee; got to know each other, minded and babysat each others children , by day for Dr/hospital visits etc and in the evenings so mums could have a grown up life/ work/go out with dads. Many of the hands-on dads also did evening babysits. There were about 12 families; we got to know all the children really well and to know and trust each other absolutely. The children benefited hugely from an extended social circle of other kids, caring mums, dads, etc. It was a lovely, and liberating time for all of us.

Those babies did not cry or feel abandoned or scared. When they went to nursery, then school, they settled in happily.

 It's half a century later;  " The Babysitters"  originals are all still friends though only one of us still lives in that suburb. That group of young parents really grew up together; we've supported  each other through every  joy and  hell and worry and stage of life and now we're in our 70's. We still keep in distant touch and travel a long way to meet up for a communal lunch in nice restaurants.  Our kids are middle aged, god help us. We're grannies.  We're  also, still those young mums who last century   (when a new nursery opened) met up every Friday for a morning at the turkish baths, steam and gossip with M and S sandwiches.

    Back in our old suburb, the neighbourhood  babysitting group is still going strong.
Cocomarine · 26/10/2021 13:13

I think you’ve had great advice here, so mostly I’m adding sympathy!
All childcare professionals are used to anxiety in parents - right from a little nervous about drop off up to serious issues. Don’t be worried about that.
I wanted to share that my friend’s son would cry at every nursery drop off. It honestly became a habit for him and he stopped the second he was in the door without mum. She knew this was true, she really trusted the nursery. And like my child, he’d often grumble about being picked up! But every day for about a year, she’d walk back to her car, call nursery, and say, “has he stopped crying?” and they’d say yes. She needed the ritual of it. I am related to one of the nursery owners and I know that they didn’t mind at all.

daisypond · 26/10/2021 13:19

I had my children when parental leave was only six months, so my DC went to a childminder at six months. I was quite an anxious parent too, but my anxiety displayed in a different way - I was always grateful for any other adult help and input, including my childminder, because I tended to see them as “experts” while I doubted myself. I never had any qualms about leaving my children with our expert childminder, because I thought she would always know what to do. My baby was in expert, caring hands. She was not going to feel abandoned, because here was a capable and kind expert to care for her. My children absolutely loved going to the childminder. It’s your job as a parent to raise an independent, decent adult, and every small step you take to do that is for the good.

HoboSexualOnslow · 26/10/2021 13:22

This sounds awful OP and I'm sure you weren't expecting it when you had her. So glad you have access to a good therapist. Wishing you the best

HoboSexualOnslow · 26/10/2021 13:24

Meant to say, if she has been a CM for 15 years she will have seen EVERYTHING before. EVERYTHING! And it's nothing to be ashamed of

Heruka · 26/10/2021 13:35

Sorry I haven’t RTFT but in my view the first settling session should always be with parent remaining present. Then second, third etc, starting to leave for short periods. This has always happened in nurseries we have used, in fact at DD3 settling recently, the head teacher sat me in an open doorway with a mask on and said there was no way she would agree to being told parents could not stay for the first session. It’s a no brainer from a child psychology perspective and informed by knowledge of attachment. Covid should not mean we lose al sense of perspective and treat children and parents callously. Just speak to CM. Ours invited us for a home visit to meet her husband and children, and eleventy million pets!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/10/2021 13:38

Are you getting any help for your anxiety? It sounds quite extreme.