My daughters needy friend is actually her "lover" just turned 14/ sleepovers have actually been something "else"

[Daughterpanic]

I am in shock.

DD has a very sweet lovely but extremly needy friend due to friends family dynamics, think not with her dm etc her dm is depressed it upsets friend.
I had a lot of time for this friend shes very sweet but I have been concerned about her being needy.
I have also been worried that DD seems to be spending every waking moment with this friend talking etc and not wanting to do stuff with us.
I asked to check her phone last night on the spot and i have found out they are in a relationship, its very intense and its always the friend being dpressed or sad, or moody or angry, and my dd calming her down.

they talk about lying in each others arms all night - kissing.

I am so upset she is literally just 14 and if ths was a boy no way would I allow sleep overs. I am not sure what to do now.

If I ban it - they will go closer together, but they cant have bloody sleep overs, I am horrified

I would stop the sleepovers that your daughter has, as you do have some authority regarding this. Is your daughter generally happy at home, and a bit easily lead into situations as thus. The other girl may not have much help at home, with her neediness problems, but she needs some help from somewhere regarding being unhappy all the time.

• the girl has a fairly good structure around her but it seems to me (without getting into her issues too much) that seeing her dm causes her issues because she's unwell etc.

They don't seem to do much either so she's bored...

I've already mentioned things getting intense so on those grounds I can certainly say I don't think it's a good idea for a while.

I've got some great ideas I'm skim reading then will go back through.

However I do know her care givers no.
I'm really not sure about involving them at this stage.

I think you absolutely do need to involve them. 14 is so young. And this will all end up on your shoulders otherwise.

Your DD needs to know she has your support, but your DD's girlfriend also needs external support and from a source other than yourself or your DD.

Tricky situation all round. But please talk to her carers. They might not have a clue what's going on.

You could also have an offline safeguarding conversation with the girls school. They obviously know that there are significant issues in this girls life but may not be aware that things have deteriorated (alienation from friends / increased vulnerability) - just flag it and let the professionals manage it.

Not sure about contacting her caregivers - might be too personal and backfire on you and your DD …. school will know the correct channels and approach.

Have read all your posts @Daughterpanic the friend appears to be grooming your child. This other child may have been sexually abused. You need to talk to carers I don't understand your reluctance

@Hboo31

Homophobic? Hasn't everyone just said it should be treated in the same way as a heterosexual relationship?

But there are differences. For example, there's no chance of unwanted pregnancy.

@FatJan

I have to say I don't understand posters saying sleepovers should be banned because if she's gay 'it's exactly the same...' and then, as an afterthought, they add: '... apart from the pregnancy risk'.

As if the pregancy risk of heterosexuals relationships isn't the most significant risk of mutually under-age sexual relationships!?

I'm not saying there aren't other risks because of course there are (I'm sure you'll take your time to write them out), but removing the risk of pregnancy is HUGE, so I don't know why you're acting like it's 'exactly the same' as a heterosexual relationship.

I quite agree. My dd has a girlfriend and i havent banned sleepovers. Theyre not going to get pregnant and there is no power imbalance and dd tells me they dont have sex because they dont want to do that yet. I know dds gf has quite a hard time at home and im happy for her to hang out here whenever. The last thing i bloody need is having to seperate two star crossed lovers for the sake of it when it doesnt feel like a big deal and both kids seem to be very supportive of each other. Each to their own though. Just dont see the point of it being a battle. Kids of that age do fall in love. Pregnancy, STDs and exploitation are my main worries for teen relationships. Take those worries away and it seems like making a rule for the sake of it

@justasking111

Have read all your posts *@Daughterpanic* the friend appears to be grooming your child. This other child may have been sexually abused. You need to talk to carers I don't understand your reluctance

It’s not grooming don’t be silly. And what about the child’s behaviour says sexual abuse?

It’s a normal teen relationship that’s a bit to intense due to the other child’s mental health problems.

Snogging is a perfectly normal teen pastime!

Being together all night gives a lot of opportunities for snogging to develop much further, more so than an evening spent together. It's too much. When the girl comes to stay, surely the OP has been in contact with her carers to say where she is/get their permission? So could easily contact them to explain why it wasn't happening any more, if she thought that would be for the best. I think a girl who is looked after needs more care from adults, not less.

When the girl comes to stay, surely the OP has been in contact with her carers to say where she is/get their permission?

Once my DD's were in secondary school I have never had contact with any a parent. The dc organise things themselves and because they all have phones now there is no parental contact at all. I always get addresses but that's it.

For those saying the sleepovers at the age of 13/14 are OK because there's no chance of pregnancy, what age would you consider too young?

Tbh, I don't think risk of pregnancy should be the only issue - I think children of this age are too emotionally immature to deal with intense romantic /sexual relationships.

I never ever had sleep over with boys until I was much older.
I remember the slow build up of truly innocent dates, holding hands, I knew a boy I liked might be at a party when I was 15/nearly 16.
We had an innocent fumbled first kiss and I nevertheless saw him again and wasn't bothered.
Very innocent go slow dates, cinema etc..
The whole ruddy point here is they seem to have got into the fast lane and accelerated things because they have had sleep overs

And the messages seem way way to intense and needy and ott.

It's got to be the point where I'm noticing because dd is tired, been up late talking to the girl, when I go in her room she's always talking to her, or texting her etc.
Family life is interrupting her relationship and the messages from this girl are... Have you finished dinner yet, when will you be back, oh no a day day out, contact me when your back.it seems relentless.

The girl is 13 and dd literally just 14..it seems absolutely absurd and bonkers to me!!

I've a 14 year old and day trips don't go through the parents but overnights (usually for someone's birthday) always do. I would never take responsibility on for someone's underage child without knowing I had parental approval for this, or send mine off to possibly an empty house.

@bogeythefungusman

Yes this is my deepest worry and the girls background being "older" with her family issues.

The last over night was at the girls house and her family /carer are definitely there.

There have not been many, dd had covid etc... I'm not sure how long this side of things has kicked off.

She's just way way too needy and intense.

@Tailendofsummer

Yes this is the huge shock and problem.
I've been letting them stay the night thinking it's a normal friend relationship.

Having all night together!! In the same bed!!

I agree, the relationship itself is far too intense. Your DD dealing with someone who is depressed and sad and having to ‘talk then down’. I’m sorry, that’s not ok. YANBU.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Wow to the homophobic responses on here

Which responces? I havent read any that are homophobic.

I agree - there are no homophobic comments here.

Honestly people cannot say anything now without being called phobic. This is a mother and a 14 year old girl.

My dd 13 identifies as lesbian and has just got her first girlfriend.
There is no way I would let them have sleepovers knowing they were engaging in sexual activity.
Sex isn't just about the risk of getting pregnant.
My dd is long way off being fully formed physically or emotionally and I want to to approach adulthood at a steady pace.
Yes teenage romance tends to be very emotional and full on but parenting to me sometimes means putting the brakes on my dc's behavior.
To be fair to my dd she hasn't suggested any sleepovers and neither has her girlfriend.

@Daughterpanic have a look online for some advice on how to approach your Dd on the topic of recognising she’s in a toxic relationship. I’m concerned that the gf will threaten to hurt herself if your Dd wants to say no to the gf… or break up.

Ask your Dd to read this article:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/oct/03/young-people-love-abusive-relationships-coercive-control

There are people saying her queerness is a ‘phase’ but with all due respect a girl of 14 in a sexual/romantic relationship with another girl is unlikely to be going through a ‘phase’ and highly likely to be gay or bi.

This is not about being gay or not.
This is about the young age of the people involved and the possibility of coercion/control etc.

Stop projecting and derailing the thread.

@smoko

Also can I ask why in the thread title you've used the term "lover" ? why not just put GF?

Have they spoken about sex or was it more kisses & cuddles?

I wasn't allowed to sleep over at a boy's house until in my mid 20s, didn't stop me from having sex & I actually would have been safer had my parents not been so strict. Not saying you should drop all rules, but perhaps group sleepovers could be acceptable?

Why do you think you’d have been safer if your parents allowed you to bring boys home ( I’m assuming).

I thought children are usually protected with this approach but those that are hell bent on having sex will do it wherever they want.

As strange as it may sound I'm not bothered about that right now
What I will say though is that in her all girls school it seemed to be an obsession, girls changing names, pro nouns, all declaring they were in relationshipS... It's was extremely prevalent.

I'm happy with whatever my dd wants to be but what I'm not happy about is this strange culture that seems so in your face?

My dd BTW has been blissfully free of worrying about looks, she likes nice clothes but only recently started to shave her legs. No make up yet etc.
She's still so good, tells me she is going to the park or where she is, she's definitely at a different level of innonsence.