My daughters needy friend is actually her "lover" just turned 14/ sleepovers have actually been something "else"

[Daughterpanic]

I am in shock.

DD has a very sweet lovely but extremly needy friend due to friends family dynamics, think not with her dm etc her dm is depressed it upsets friend.
I had a lot of time for this friend shes very sweet but I have been concerned about her being needy.
I have also been worried that DD seems to be spending every waking moment with this friend talking etc and not wanting to do stuff with us.
I asked to check her phone last night on the spot and i have found out they are in a relationship, its very intense and its always the friend being dpressed or sad, or moody or angry, and my dd calming her down.

they talk about lying in each others arms all night - kissing.

I am so upset she is literally just 14 and if ths was a boy no way would I allow sleep overs. I am not sure what to do now.

If I ban it - they will go closer together, but they cant have bloody sleep overs, I am horrified

It's only illegal if they are engaging in sexual activity i.e. oral sex or mutual masturbation. If they are just cuddling and kissing then it's perfectly fine.

This is a good example though of why unsupervised (as in not in same room) sleepovers shouldn't be allowed, even if they are single sex you never know what is going on if you're not in the same room.

Although there's no pregnancy risk, there is a huge risk of her being emotionally drained and out of her depth. She needs some boundaries so that she can back off sometimes.

I'd gently voice concerns that the friend is draining her and that she needs some time on her own and with other friends to recharge. I'd also gently pont out signs of emotional bullying - e.g. threats of self harm if DD isn't 100% available as an emotional mop 100% of the time.

She's too young to realise it's dangerous to have no boundaries, so she needs you to play the bad guy and put some in place.

Well you knew about this girl's issues and neediness when yu thougt she was jyst a friend. I am really not sure what is so different apart from the romantix/sexual side. I don't know whether id be too worried about 2 girls kissing cuddling and maybe a bit of petting

www.joinonelove.org/relationships-101/

This is a great resource for young people to understand boundaries and behaviours in healthy and unhealthy relationships whether they sexual or not.

Your DD needs guidance on boundaries and dealing with people with MH / emotional issues - these skills will equip her for the rest of her life because this won’t be the first person she comes across like this.

She needs to do this for both of them.

She needs to learn that she is not a MH professional and she is inadvertently potentially exacerbating her friends issues - she needs to repeatedly sign-post her to school counsellor etc. She needs to be clear what a healthy friendship or romantic relationship looks like and push back or move on from those that are not within that remit.

She needs to know that she has agency and she needs to maintain her own MH and grow and flourish in her own personality and lifestyle - not be subsumed by another’s issues and negativity.

You are right to be alarmed - but be confident that you can give her the tools, continued support and insight to move through this. Be patient - it won’t be over instantly.

I have to say I don't understand posters saying sleepovers should be banned because if she's gay 'it's exactly the same...' and then, as an afterthought, they add: '... apart from the pregnancy risk'.

As if the pregancy risk of heterosexuals relationships isn't the most significant risk of mutually under-age sexual relationships!?

I'm not saying there aren't other risks because of course there are (I'm sure you'll take your time to write them out), but removing the risk of pregnancy is HUGE, so I don't know why you're acting like it's 'exactly the same' as a heterosexual relationship.

Hi OP, I’m not sure if this has already been said, but I wanted to add my perspective as someone who was a very vulnerable teen.

This isn’t helping the other girl either. She needs proper support to work out how to manage her home situation for the short term, and long term strategies to cope with the resulting mh issues. Your dd can’t provide either of these, and is sadly more likely to be unintentionally causing harm.

The vulnerable teen also needs healthy friendships which provide appropriate social support, and an intense relationship with your dd isn’t helping her there either as she won’t have time to build her own network.

As others have said, you need to contact the other girl’s school to make sure they know she needs more support, and help your dd have proper boundary for both their sakes.

@FatJan

I have to say I don't understand posters saying sleepovers should be banned because if she's gay 'it's exactly the same...' and then, as an afterthought, they add: '... apart from the pregnancy risk'.

As if the pregancy risk of heterosexuals relationships isn't the most significant risk of mutually under-age sexual relationships!?

I'm not saying there aren't other risks because of course there are (I'm sure you'll take your time to write them out), but removing the risk of pregnancy is HUGE, so I don't know why you're acting like it's 'exactly the same' as a heterosexual relationship.

It's the same in terms of sex under the age of 16 being illegal. Otherwise, a sexual relationship between 15 year old boy/girl would be fine if she was on the Pill. It's not fine. It's illegal because the law has determined that somebody under the age of 16 is not mature enough to consent to sexual activity.

You said they are now at different schools.
You may find distance is allowing your DD to move on slowly, as she isn't constantly in this girls company.
Also if this girl is so needy then she will be looking for a replacement for your DD during school times.
You tell your DD that you know she is in a relationship and you feel she missled you about the intensity of the friendship.
That your going to.put some relationship rules in place for whom ever she dates, and you would like her to respect these.
That your not stopping her seeing X, and that at anytime you will be around for her.

Remind your dd that her friend needs someone qualified to help her properly. As a friend she can support that but she's simply not knowledgeable or experienced enough to do more. Point out that it is as dangerous for her friend to lean on an unqualified person as it would be for her to rely on your dd to fix the plumbing if there were a burst pipe....

I had a really draining best friend at school, and I think it's something you really need to try and protect your DD from whatever their relationship status is. I feel quite sad when I look back at my school years and realise how much of myself I invested into this person and their never ending drama at the expense of my own friendships and development.

I wasn't allowed to sleep over at a boy's house until in my mid 20s

How could you not he allowed, as an adult? Did you have extremely controlling/abusive parents?

It's the same in terms of sex under the age of 16 being illegal.

It is, but nothing is ever really legally done about it, if they are close in age and both say they wanted it.

I'd be in shock too OP.

I'd focus on relationships should make you feel happy, free to be yourself! you shouldn't feel guilt in a healthy happy relationship.

Bon courage

xx

@MenimeMay

I wasn't allowed to sleep over at a boy's house until in my mid 20s

How could you not he allowed, as an adult? Did you have extremely controlling/abusive parents?

My parents wouldn't have seen themselves as abusive at all. They saw themselves as decent, civilised, entitled to have rules in their home.

@withgraceinmyheart

Hi OP, I’m not sure if this has already been said, but I wanted to add my perspective as someone who was a very vulnerable teen.

This isn’t helping the other girl either. She needs proper support to work out how to manage her home situation for the short term, and long term strategies to cope with the resulting mh issues. Your dd can’t provide either of these, and is sadly more likely to be unintentionally causing harm.

The vulnerable teen also needs healthy friendships which provide appropriate social support, and an intense relationship with your dd isn’t helping her there either as she won’t have time to build her own network.

As others have said, you need to contact the other girl’s school to make sure they know she needs more support, and help your dd have proper boundary for both their sakes.

I agree with this - and this might be an alternative back door / first approach to engaging and gaining the attention of your own DD.

My parents wouldn't have seen themselves as abusive at all. They saw themselves as decent, civilised, entitled to have rules in their home

Rules about what their adult child can do in relationships? I don't think letting an 18 year old sleep at their partners house makes one uncivilised or indecent, does it. Hardly impacts on the parents life at home either - "I'm staying at Peter's tonight" "OK". I think it's very weird to exert such control into the mid 20s over something so normal.

At 21 or 18, if you stay at someone's house overnight, why does the sex of that person impact the parents you live with? It simply doesn't.

@Daughterpanic Sorry if this has been suggested, but is it an option to speak to this girl's parents?

My DD was obsessed with a boy she met, when she was 3 months away from leaving school (and she was still 15 - her birthday is mid July.) He was 18, and 2.5 years older than her, and going to university in the September.

They were 'dating' though not having sex (AFAIK.) However, DD, who was meant to be going to college in the September, announced in the June (just before she left school,) that she was NOT going to college, and was, in fact, going to go to her boyfriend's university town, and was going to live in his student digs with him, and was going to get a job in a shop and be with the 'love of her life...'

I told her no, but she said 'try and stop me.' It was a really difficult time. Soooo, I phoned his mother, and spoke to her, and she had no idea my DD was planning on going to stay with her son in his uni digs. She was stunned. She also thought she was 17 and at college, and not 15, and still at SCHOOL. She was knocked sideways actually.

2 days later, DD's boyfriend took her out for a meal at Nandos, and she came back in floods of tears. He had ended it. She never knew why. He just said 'it's not gonna work with me at uni,' but she didn't know why, because he had previously agreed with her going with him! He said he had decided against it as he didn't want to be responsible for her not going to college, and affecting her education.

I rang his mother again the next day (when DD was out.) Turns out she had told him to end it, and especially as my DD was only 15! She told him also, that this was no way to conduct himself; dragging a 15 y.o. girl down to his uni/uni digs 100 miles south, and have her to work in a local shop whilst he went to uni.

Turns out he wasn't too keen either, and found DD a bit clingy, but didn't have the heart to end it. He told DD it wasn't going to work with him at uni, and it's over.

I think she would have gone batshit if she had known I had spoken to his mother, and that resulted in him ending it. To be fair, it really really needed to end!

DD went to college, and uni, and when she was at uni, she met a lovely young man who's the same age, and only lives 20 miles away from where we lived. She is still with him too. 5 years later.

But she never knew I spoke to this other young man's mother....... And she never will.

So yeah OP, see if you can talk to this girl's parents...

I'd treat it as any I would treat any relationship. My teenage dd has a girlfriend and they see each other on weekends, but the rules are, no sleep overs, door open if they are in the bedroom and we've had the chat about sex, relationships, pressures etc. they started off as friends and only really found out by talking to my dd.

But your dd's gf sounds as though she's looking towards your dd to fix her by behaving in a certain way, that doesn't sound healthy. I think you need to treat it as you would any other none healthy relationship between teenagers and talk it through with your dd.

@SnipSnipMrBurgess

Exactly.

This doesn't sound like level 1 holding hand kissing!!

My dd has said things back like, you should tell your xxx and get some support it can be dangerous etc but she the girl expresses worry that will worry her xxx.

Before I met her dd said she has this anxiety and that and the other and I was quite nervous! When she came around however she seemed very happy to chat, ask for things, blend in etc.

She's always talking however about what's wrong with her and nervous if this and can't do that etc.

We went to a local fair and she clung to dd side even if dd moved away for a moment!!

Little, sadly she doesn't live with them, they are separated.

However I do know her care givers no.
I'm really not sure about involving them at this stage.

@Lightswitch123

Agreed. Sounds like she needs some distance from this person.

I agree, It may all fizzle out in no time. They are very young indeed, a couple or years will make all the difference (though you obviously don't want it to last that long). Don't let them sleep together at least not for for a long time).

With grace in my heart,

I agree.

The problem is now dd has left girls school, girl is now not in that friendship group anymore.
So girl is slightly alone and with my dd moving school she's also alone!!

What a bloody mess