My daughters needy friend is actually her "lover" just turned 14/ sleepovers have actually been something "else"

[Daughterpanic]

I am in shock.

DD has a very sweet lovely but extremly needy friend due to friends family dynamics, think not with her dm etc her dm is depressed it upsets friend.
I had a lot of time for this friend shes very sweet but I have been concerned about her being needy.
I have also been worried that DD seems to be spending every waking moment with this friend talking etc and not wanting to do stuff with us.
I asked to check her phone last night on the spot and i have found out they are in a relationship, its very intense and its always the friend being dpressed or sad, or moody or angry, and my dd calming her down.

they talk about lying in each others arms all night - kissing.

I am so upset she is literally just 14 and if ths was a boy no way would I allow sleep overs. I am not sure what to do now.

If I ban it - they will go closer together, but they cant have bloody sleep overs, I am horrified

[twelly]

I would be concerned and want to stop sleep overs as I would do if it was a boy I would not allow sleep overs if there was a relationship.

[bogeythefungusman]

Your daughter, at 14, doesn't have the emotional maturity to be dealing with her friend. She can't 'save' her and the neediness is unhealthy. I would be doing everything possible to reduce the amount of time they spend together and ensuring the friend doesn't message your daughter at all hours.

As pp suggested, start organising to do stuff with your dd to remove her from the other girl's influence. This is not a time for 'being kind' and it is not up to your daughter to fix her friend's problems.

[MazzleDazzle]

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

The sleepovers/possibility of a sexual relationship is one concern, but I think the bigger concern is the possibility that the relationship might be toxic. It doesn’t seem like a balanced relationship going by what you’ve said. It may be that your daughter is being manipulated/controlled by someone who is vulnerable and needy. She’s not old enough to be responsible for someone else’s mental health.

Treat the relationship exactly as if they were heterosexual with rules appropriate for their age re. sleepovers.

Any device that she’s able to message on would be better left downstairs when it’s time for bed.

[SmileyClare]

@Rainallnight

I think the issue here is less about the sex/same sex than the fact that your DD is in a relationship with someone with mental health problems and is being put in a position of being inappropriately responsible for this other person’s feelings.

On those grounds alone, you should find a way to make them cool it. Don’t make it about the lesbian stuff.

I am gay and have seen time and time again this pattern of one girl/young woman with mental health problems, and the other girl sort of losing herself trying to support the one who has problems. I’ve been there myself.

So try not to make this about the sex, though I get you’re shocked. Think of it as protecting your daughter from a relationship not ready for and that’s not good for her.

I agree with this and it very succinctly expresses what I was trying to say!

These girls will jump on anything that comes across as even remotely homophobic and go all "us against the world" although I'm sure that's not your intention at all.
Your dd is also still a child, although she won't want to hear that, and is simply not equipped to deal with this girl's problems on her own.

With mobiles, social media, being at school together and the frequent sleepovers there is no escape for your dd. She needs time out, it's far too intense.

[Rainallnight]

@SmileyClare I think you put it very well

[Goawaymorningsickeness]

@Tilltheend99 these are not homophobic responses these are the responses of mothers, often with children a similar age, who may have been through something similar, who are offering advice over what is clearly an unhealthy relationship. It’s not unhealthy because it’s two girls, it’s unhealthy because one girl is being expected to be an emotional crutch for the other. It’s not nothing to do with being gay.

[CoraPirbright]

Your dd is far too young to be supporting someone who has MH needs.

My dd had a friend who was suffering from MH problems and questioning her sexuality. My dd had none of these issues but was/is extremely kind and desperately wanted to help. It was a v intense friendship, although not romantic, but my dd started also identifying herself with this friend’s problems. Now the friend is through and out the other side, having a merry old time with ‘normal’ teenage stuff - boyfriends (despite saying she was gay ) holidays abroad etc.

My dd is stuck struggling with depression, anxiety, questioning her sexuality, if she is non-binary etc.

I feel that she was used as a life raft by this girl, thoroughly screwed up and then cast aside. Don’t let this happen to your dd.

[SmileyClare]

Have you spoken to you daughter? I understand your shock and worry about how to approach it without pushing her away.

It might help to start with how worried you are about how she's coping with her friend's problems. Sympathise and say how difficult it must be for her? If you can show your daughter you're on her side it will encourage her to open up.

I'm no expert, but it's clear she needs an adult helping her with boundaries.

[PaddingtonStareBare]

I wouldn't be happy with this either.
My own DD wouldn't be having any more sleepovers and I wouldn't be driving her to their house either.

[smoko]

On lesbian YT channels this is a common topic - how funny it is that parents assumed their sleepovers were platonic & having a "free pass" to get down basically.

Your daughter can't get pregnant but at 14 you would be within your right to say "no more sleepovers"

Want to echo a PP that you should tread really carefully in how you approach your DD & react to this information. Please let the shock of her apparent lesbianism subside.

I will never forget my mum crying & yelling "you little slut!" when she found out I was having sex with my BF at 17.

As someone else has pointed out, this seems to be more that your daughter is involved with someone who sounds mentally unstable & this could be having a negative impact on her.

Encourage her to have well rounded social life, do a variety of activities outside school to make connections with other kids, so that the influence of one girl is harder to dominate her whole life.

I also tend to think lesbians can be more about the kissing & cuddling & less about actually getting each other off. They might just be experimenting, kids these days see straight as boring I hear!

[Rainallnight]

Gosh, @CoraPirbright, that sounds really tough. I’m so sorry.

[Xiaoxiong]

You've had good advice on here to approach this as a smothering, coercive relationship and to extricate her from being an emotional punching bag for a teen that needs proper help and support.

The same-sex angle is actually irrelevant - though it eliminates the possibility of pregnancy at least - but my DH had a very enmeshed relationship like this trying to "save" a girl with MH issues at that age, and there's a long-running thread somewhere on here with a poster in Oz whose son is in a toxic relationship supporting his girlfriend whose MH problems seem to be causing him to have MH problems of his own and pushing away his family.

[Beautiful3]

Honestly I'd treat it the same as if I would a boy. So.no.more sleep overs and no going upstairs into the bedroom. 14 is far too young for.that. however the mental health side concerns me a little. Think I'd make us so busy that she has more balance and other things going on rather than just this relationship. Can she go join some clubs.

[Mummapenguin20]

Id stop all sleep overs and treat it the same as i would any relationship at that age

[itsgettingwierd]

Agree that now you know there is a sexual element tho their relationship sleepovers have to end.

I'm not particularly against mix sex sleepovers if this age where it's a group all rooming together. But no 1:1 of opposite sex or same sex where there is a relationship.


And they may get closer on some ways but you can out in boundaries which give your dd space from this.

Curfew. Limited after school nights out. Phone away at 9pm etc.

[itsgettingwierd]

@Rainallnight

I think the issue here is less about the sex/same sex than the fact that your DD is in a relationship with someone with mental health problems and is being put in a position of being inappropriately responsible for this other person’s feelings.

On those grounds alone, you should find a way to make them cool it. Don’t make it about the lesbian stuff.

I am gay and have seen time and time again this pattern of one girl/young woman with mental health problems, and the other girl sort of losing herself trying to support the one who has problems. I’ve been there myself.

So try not to make this about the sex, though I get you’re shocked. Think of it as protecting your daughter from a relationship not ready for and that’s not good for her.

I think this a great post.

[Jem1603]

I think you should just stop the sleepovers.

Don't use the word 'ban' - just explain the age of consent and how as her parent you can't allow the sleepovers. Try and explain it to her like a person/adult and not a parent. She'll respect you for that.

You have to be careful because it's not unusual for children this age to feel older than their years and just run away from home if you tell them they 'can't' do something. Tell her it might be a good idea to focus on her other friends, school, family etc. These may be areas that her friend can join in with.

As for the homophobic response - I don't believe you were being homophobic. She is just too young and it's not appropriate. So it would be a shock for you. They are so young and finding themselves and trying to understand the world around them. Some people just offer what we need at a particular time. As she gets older, if you are close she can talk to you about her relationships and feel supported by you.

[Daughterpanic]

@SmileyClare

Your pretty much spot on. This girl is vulnerable and has a complicated home situation.
I've asked my dd in the past whether she's depressing to be around as that can affect her mh etc.
She said she's not the messages however are all about her being scared of x or frightened or worried about blah and this and my dd is in seemingly constant support mode.

I've been lax with phones and tech because of covid and because she's an amazing student who works hard etc.
I've also recently moved her to a different school (thank god).

What is a sexual relationship under 16.
Ie spending the night, kissing etc??
Is that illegal?

What a mess.

I had a light chat to dd months ago because when they were here she always seemed to be looking in a worried way at her etc... Like worrying about her. She's got (the girl) a very extensive list of issues eg social anxiety this and that.. Doesn't like blah.. Can't do x.

We've had a busy ish week but at night it's hard isn't it!!

[GoodnightGrandma]

Your daughter needs freeing from this friend, she won’t see it , but you need to do it.

[Daughterpanic]

I'm not "homophobic". It's such a shame that one mis taken poster has jumped in and changed the excellent responses.

The shock is that an friendship with a girl that I thought had been rather intense and needy and innocent sleep overs is now something crossing lots of boundaries and is sexual.

[Daughterpanic]

My dd has just moved school and was sadly dropped like a hot potato by her old group so I was thrilled she had this friend and now I realise its actually toxic and unbalanced and going way to fast too soon.

[SmileyClare]

My dd is stuck with depression, anxiety, questioning her sexuality, whether she is non binary

I'm so sorry.
I don't know what the answer is but it's so difficult for teens now. There's so much pressure for them to identify as something, label themselves and announce their sexuality or their stance on gender.. It's disastrous for their mental health. Most teenagers haven't worked out who they are yet and don't have the emotional maturity for all this shit.

[PamsSpam]

There’s a lot going on here. The fact they’re in an relationship, you finding out this way and the toxicity of this relationship.

I agree with others - don’t make anything out of the fact that they’re both girls and don’t make it about any kind of sexual behaviour, especially if nothing has happened. You need to sit down and talk - your daughter may want to discuss her sexuality as well as her relationship.

The huge red flag here is not the sleepovers, but the dynamics of the relationship itself and e fact that your daughter appears to be supporting her girlfriend through mental health issues. That’s too much for your DD to be doing, especially at her age and in her potentially first relationship.

I think your first point is to listen, no judgement, to your daughter, how she is feeling, what’s been going on and when you have all the information, go from there about how to deal with this relationship which sadly sounds very unhealthy.

[PamsSpam]

Ah I apologise, I missed the bit where you said your DD was struggling and dealing with her sexuality - it’s good that you’ve clearly had an open conversation. I don’t have much advice, however she is only 14, does she need to label her sexuality right now? Can you just tell her that she has years to discover herself and to relax and have fun now? Get to know different people and allow herself to form attractions to people for who they are and not box herself in? There’s a lot of pressure these days to label yourself and something, but at 14 you have so many hormones and new experiences to discover, she doesn’t have to fence herself in by labelling herself as gay/straight/bi/non-binary etc just yet.

[SmileyClare]

It's good that your daughter is willing to talk to you, and show you the messages. I suspect she's finding it difficult to cope with and will appreciate you stepping in. Although I doubt she'll admit that.

Your dd sounds kind and perhaps enjoyed being able to help/support her friend but it's snowballed into something very intense and unhealthy now.

As for what "stepping in " looks like? I suppose you can't ban the friendship but put a stop to sleepovers, having her phone all night. Could you speak to the school about your concerns for this girl's welfare at home?