My daughters needy friend is actually her "lover" just turned 14/ sleepovers have actually been something "else"

[Daughterpanic]

I am in shock.

DD has a very sweet lovely but extremly needy friend due to friends family dynamics, think not with her dm etc her dm is depressed it upsets friend.
I had a lot of time for this friend shes very sweet but I have been concerned about her being needy.
I have also been worried that DD seems to be spending every waking moment with this friend talking etc and not wanting to do stuff with us.
I asked to check her phone last night on the spot and i have found out they are in a relationship, its very intense and its always the friend being dpressed or sad, or moody or angry, and my dd calming her down.

they talk about lying in each others arms all night - kissing.

I am so upset she is literally just 14 and if ths was a boy no way would I allow sleep overs. I am not sure what to do now.

If I ban it - they will go closer together, but they cant have bloody sleep overs, I am horrified

[EishetChayil]

It's actually pretty homophobic to assume there will be homophobia on a thread about a same-sex relationship.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

In answer to your specific question as to the legalities. Sex under the governing legislation is defined as “penetrative sex, oral sex or masturbating together”. So kissing and cuddling all night does not fall foul of that. I do think the issues though are much wider than the legal definition, as you know. The biggest worry is the emotional dependency in my view. Not the beginnings of sexual attraction. I have been in a very similar situation to you. I chose to tread very lightly indeed as regards the relationship and the girl was still welcome at our house. It “worked out” for my DD to the extent that the relationship came to a fairly non traumatic end and my DD still having fond memories of their time together. That’s not to say that approach would work for you.

[Daughterpanic]

She hasn't shown me the messages.

I'm not too concerned about save sex that's the red herring but also it's relevant because if this was a boy I wouldn't have allowed sleep overs.

I've been allowing sleepover being innocent.

[logsonlogsoff]

I’m gay. So anything I say now isn’t homophobic! You’re right that you can’t stop them seeing each other etc that will just make it more intense but sit down with your daughter and talk about the sex bit, how shes now not to have sleepovers if the she is is actually her girlfriend.at their age they prob haven’t gone beyond kissing/ cuddling but make sure your DD you don’t care that it’s a girl rather than a boy, a d that she shouldn’t feel pressure to do anything she doesn’t want to do.
I can see why you’re worried about the other kid, if she’s depressed etc it is going to affect your DD.
Again I would speak to DD and see if she wants to talk to you about.

[logsonlogsoff]

Have to say that growing up and putting up with a lot of homophobia, the being allowed sleepovers by oblivious parents was one of the few advantages…

[Daughterpanic]

My dd is a bit vulnerable because she's just moved school this term.

I'm so gutted


Yes its totally the emotional dependency the constant needing my dd my dd saying stuff like " just playing with sister will be on call now! Just family day out will be back soon.. Just this.. Dashing to her room to get on a call etc.

My dd has lost her normal friend group.. And is making new friends at school but not enough yet to go out with them.

[XelaM]

I'm a straight woman, but have since my youth been involved with guys similar to your daughter's girlfriend- the miserable sort with lots of personal problems and I have always been to sane one and tried to "save" them. Honestly, your daughter will get fed up with her at one point. It always reaches that point. But the more you tell her how toxic this girl is, the more defiantly she will try to prove you wrong by staying with her behind your back (although deep down she will know you're right)

[Daughterpanic]

The other girl is 13 I think.

[candycane222]

Yes, tell her her sexuality will reveal itself as she grows up. She doesn't need to give herself a label now. She might be closing doors to her future self, if she does.

Many of her peers are presumably frantically declaring themselves this, that and the other. Let them. Tell her a wise woman does not rush to judgement about herself!

[MarshmallowSwede]

Just stop the sleepovers. And your daughter is not her girlfriend’s therapist. Her parents need to step in and get her treatment for her depression.

[logsonlogsoff]

‘What is a sexual relationship under 16.
Ie spending the night, kissing etc??
Is that illegal?’

The age of consent is 16 but as they’re both 14 there’s no issue legally. If the other girl was 17, or 18 and classes as an adult then yes that would be a legal issue.
The police aren’t interested in 2 14 year olds making out.
But is she ready for a sexual relationship at that age - if it has gone beyond teen making out stuff - is what you need to worry about.
DSis had a friend like your DDs girlfriend and eventually got fed up of her and realised how draining g she was.

[Daughterpanic]

Arghhhhhhh


I don't want it to become an us and me situation.

I am not sure what to do, I don't think I'll let her know yet the extent of her "relationship".

I'll talk about about this girl being " a vulnerable child" and my dd needing to be wary and carful for lots of reasons.
Ie girl being vulnerable, needy... Needs proper support and help and my dd can't give her that.

Explain that if my dd becomes embroiled in her mental health issues it can come back on dd if something goes wrong and that it's hot my dd place to try and help with such big issue (the girl doesn't live with her mum or dad).

I'll also explain a bit about intense unhealthy friendships.

Having a variety of friends is better than one at this age.

Then in "that" context I'll try and gently stop the sleepovers.. And try and keep her busy ish.

Ask phone to be downstairs and possibly computer as well...

They are meeting in the day this week, I'll allow that.. And other small meeting but try and ease back on the other stuff without making a big deal of it..

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

My dd is stuck with depression, anxiety, questioning her sexuality, whether she is non binary

Meh. She's got a girlfriend. Big deal. Might be her preference for the rest of her life, might not.

But because she's got a girlfriend, no sleepovers anymore. Because the age of consent applies to all pairings - you don't allow a boy to stay over because 'they're only kissing and cuddling'/haven't had penetrative sex yet, the same goes for a girl.

And because she's anxious - probably because she's been appointed Keeper of the Fragile One when she isn't able to be that any more than fully grown women are - she needs to be supported in a similar way to anyone who is being manipulated to centre their life around somebody else's emotional demands. Because it's coercive control.

[Daughterpanic]

• she's spoken of sleeping or cuddling her "chest".

[Daughterpanic]

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Yes cosersice control, what do you think of my plan post above yours?
10?47

[smoko]

Also can I ask why in the thread title you've used the term "lover" ? why not just put GF?

Have they spoken about sex or was it more kisses & cuddles?

I wasn't allowed to sleep over at a boy's house until in my mid 20s, didn't stop me from having sex & I actually would have been safer had my parents not been so strict. Not saying you should drop all rules, but perhaps group sleepovers could be acceptable?

[Teaandtonic]

The intensity along with the home issues for the friend would concern me. I would let the school's safeguarding lead know about the concerns around how vulnerable to friend is.
If the relationship has been formed as a way for the friend to fill a need due to absence of her dm then that needs addressing.

Please note I'd be saying exactly the same thing if it was a heterosexual relationship too.

[ProudAlly]

[quote ChorizoJacketPotato]@Letsallscreamatthesistene me either! I literally said out loud ‘what homophobic responses?! There aren’t any!’[/quote]
I re-read the whole thing. Couldn't see anything either. @Tilltheend99 please explain?

[Phobiaphobic]

@Tilltheend99

Wow to the homophobic responses on here

You are NU to want them to not have sleepovers until age of consent and to discuss this with your daughter.

You are being unreasonable to try to separate them for being in a close relationship and both being female.

I think it’s natural to be shocked and want to get your head around it. You should talk with your daughter about the sleepovers but you should wait until you have calmed down and had a proper think before talking with her about her sexuality.

How you react to this could deeply effect your daughter for the rest of her life so take baby steps. I’m assuming you would ultimately want your daughter to be happy and to keep her in your life?

It’s also possible that this others girl has been depressed and having family problems because they are aware of her sexuality. If you see her as troubled do you really want to put your DD through similar?

What an utterly predictable reaction. I was wondering how long it would take for someone to start projecting. You showed up right on time!

[DelphiniumBlue]

It's a difficult situation and you've had a lot of thoughtful responses.
One thing that struck me is your daughters friends dropping her when she moved school. Could this in fact have been connected with her friendship with the needy girl? Does she monopolise her?
Why did she move schools? I'm just thinking about what other issues might be relevant.

[SmileyClare]

Op I think your plan of action above sounds like a good approach. Showing your dd you care, that you're on her side and want to help her is a good angle.
I definitely think your daughter needs breathing space from her friend/girlfriend and to know it's ok to do this, she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for her friend's happiness, that's not how relationships work.

Now covid restrictions are lifted perhaps arrange something social that your dd can invite a few school friends to? Just to foster other friendships and interests. I appreciate it's difficult because your dd has just moved schools and doesn't have an established friendship group yet.

[riotlady]

@candycane222

Yes, tell her her sexuality will reveal itself as she grows up. She doesn't need to give herself a label now. She might be closing doors to her future self, if she does.

Many of her peers are presumably frantically declaring themselves this, that and the other. Let them. Tell her a wise woman does not rush to judgement about herself!

I disagree very much with this. Sexuality can be fluid and there’s nothing wrong with defining yourself one way and later changing your mind. I thought I was a lesbian when I was 13 and later turned out to be bi- telling people I was gay as a teenager hasn’t “closed doors” to me having relationships with men and women in my 20s!

OP, I think your plan broadly sounds good although I think you will maybe struggle to stop the sleepovers without revealing you know about the relationship. Like others on this thread I’ve been sucked into similar relationships and it really is terrible for your mental health. I think anything you can do to give your daughter things to enjoy and be invested in outside of that relationship will help- encourage to her to join a club or a hobby, plan fun family things, etc.

[TheCuntessOfMiddlesex]

@Tilltheend99

Wow to the homophobic responses on here

You are NU to want them to not have sleepovers until age of consent and to discuss this with your daughter.

You are being unreasonable to try to separate them for being in a close relationship and both being female.

I think it’s natural to be shocked and want to get your head around it. You should talk with your daughter about the sleepovers but you should wait until you have calmed down and had a proper think before talking with her about her sexuality.

How you react to this could deeply effect your daughter for the rest of her life so take baby steps. I’m assuming you would ultimately want your daughter to be happy and to keep her in your life?

It’s also possible that this others girl has been depressed and having family problems because they are aware of her sexuality. If you see her as troubled do you really want to put your DD through similar?

Where?? 👀

[riotlady]

Also lover is a really weird choice of word when talking about 13 year olds that kiss abs cuddle!

[2Two]

Can you encourage friendships with people from the new school, e.g. inviting them over, suggesting meet-ups or taking a small group out to an activity, maybe sleepovers with them?