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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP obsessing over bouncer, weird bully behaviour?

483 replies

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 08:10

This has been bothering me since weekend. Been with “dp” for 7 months. On Saturday night we went out for a few drinks. DP nudged me at one point and told me to look at the bouncer stood near the door. I looked, turned back to Dp and said “what about him?”. He burst out laughing and said “look at his crotch” 🤔 so I looked … slightly unusual but as a nurse I know there are many conditions that could present like this so shrugged my shoulders and said something like “so what”. DP continued laughing at kept telling me to look again. I was getting irritated and told him to stop being weird so he said “he must have socks stuffed down his trousers!” I asked him to stop going on about it. He then told me to look at bouncers face. Getting really bored of this now I asked what his problem was with this guy, he replied “he looks like Gru from Despicable Me!”. Ok … tried to change the subject and saw that he was taking photos of this bloke. I swear he paid more attention to this guy than he did to me during the whole evening. He just wouldn’t stop banging on about him, even suggested he ask him for a selfie. I told him I was leaving in the end as he just wouldn’t talk about anything else. Kept going on and on about his crotch and nose.
Long story short, we got back to my place and I went to bed. Heard him giggling, turned out he’d taken numerous photos of this bloke as well as zoomed in photos of his crotch. I told him he was out of order and went to sleep.
Next morning I thought maybe I should give him some leeway as he was drunk but still wanted to say something. I asked him why he kept going on about the bouncer night before and why he’d taken photos. He burst out laughing and started asking if I thought he’d stuffed something down his trousers. I said something along the lines of “I think you’re a bit of a bully to be honest and I don’t like this side of you”. He acted shocked and gave it the whole “woah! Where is this coming from? Did you fancy him or something?” So I reminded him that I wasn’t the one staring at his crotch all night!!!

In hindsight he’s shown signs of this bullying attitude in the past. One time loudly whispered that my hairdresser had a massive nose (loud enough for her to hear if she had good hearing) and then kept going on about her looking like Alice Cooper. On another occasion he loudly “whispered” taking the piss out of the way a caretaker had said a certain word. Again loud enough for him to hear if he had good hearing.

After the whole bouncer thing I’m thinking of calling the whole thing off. He made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt he was cruel to this bloke (he’d also said he was going to upload the photos to Facebook).

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about. AIBU?

OP posts:
Clov3119 · 28/10/2021 07:09

This kind of attitude is really irritating. My ex
partner can be like it a bit from time to time... not going on for hours taking pics etc. But he will find something someone has done annoying then moan on about it. I find it quite negative and can drag you down tbh. Not an environment you want to be around.

LaDamaDeElche · 28/10/2021 07:23

You should get rid, he sounds like a dick.

LaDamaDeElche · 28/10/2021 07:23

Sorry, didn't RTFT!! Well done OP.

Bleachmycloths · 28/10/2021 07:32

[quote TwinTeensMum]@Bleachmycloths
“50 million? Sometimes, threads are so long and involved that I can understand people just responding with their gut reaction to the OP first post. With each ‘dump him’ post she is receiving affirmation that she’s done the right thing.”

People can actually read all the replies from the original poster very quickly by clicking on ‘see all’ - you need to log in to do that but you also need to log in to reply![/quote]
I know...

Abc1979 · 28/10/2021 08:23

I have a friend married to someone like that and made her life hell on earth to the point they moved to LIsbon as they had no friends left in the U.K. IT BECOMES UNBEARABLE. He is a bulky full stop and at this age won’t get any better ( assuming he is a full grown adult). Drop his face and good riddance.

Chocaholic9 · 28/10/2021 08:23

You are right to be asking these questions.

People who ridicule others in this way have a cruel streak. He isn't a nice person, and his cruel streak will be turned on you at some point.

Chocaholic9 · 28/10/2021 08:26

Read the thread.

So glad you dumped him. What a loser he is.

Cavementality · 28/10/2021 08:37

The hills are calling your name!

Heepers · 28/10/2021 10:29

Not only does he sound unkind, he also sounds boring and a bit embarrassing.

2Two · 28/10/2021 10:30

@SweetMaryHell

I did in a fashion, when he accused me of fancying the bouncer I reminded him that it was HIM that was staring at his crotch all night
How did he react to that one?
Hopevoyager · 28/10/2021 10:45

You’ve made a good move OP.

I’ve coming out the end of what your life would be if you had stayed with this guy and had kids. Reading your post was as if I was reading a page from my diary years ago.

I have three kids with a completely nasty piece of work. But for some strange reason I never saw it at nineteen. Perhaps my own immaturity? By 21, I was pregnant and his true colours were coming through- by then I was already caught in his trap.
He is a bully. He was lived to comment in other peoples appearances. It didn’t take long for it to turn to me. Anything I enjoyed doing that had potential to give me confidence was ‘fair game’ to laugh at. There was the insane jealousy which was completely unwarranted, and a disturbing need to hold the purse strings- I actually hard to ask do I could ‘borrow’ his bank card to get money out for everyday things. He wasn’t keen on me working but i started helping at my kids school an it became my escape route giving me the confidence I needed to leave.
I’m out now but it still gets me. My children have contact still despite me wishing they didn’t. My eldest (19) doesn’t talk to his dad any more and his sister (17) is second is starting to think the same way too now. He’s showing his true colours to them too. I’m 6 years free and am now with a wonderful new guy but I have trouble completely giving myself over as I know I have scars from the damage done by my ex.
This feed has triggered me to offload- sorry all, but I’m still in constant need for validation despite coming across as confident to everyone else.
So OP- don’t doubt your choice or change your mind. It’s definitely not your job to try to educate him into seeing your point- you cannot win with an abuser.

Rosy888 · 28/10/2021 11:10

I think @ugzbuzs has hit the nail on the head. I have just ended a long relationship with a man who has Penil Body Dismorphia. Absolutely obsessed with his penis size and everyone elses. It is a serious mental health condition that stems from low self esteem. His actions are identical to your dp.
You are taking on a lot if you continue with this relationship.

Madamum18 · 28/10/2021 11:52

Break up with him!

Lots of red flag signs ...bullying behaviour towards the bloke, taking photos, loud rude comments, turning it back on you as your fault when you query his behaviour, commenting on your clothes!! ...I am sure there are more. PLEASE leave him now.

DeborahAnnabel · 28/10/2021 12:02

I mean he is just not a nice person.

Dontsayfuckorbugger · 28/10/2021 13:15

He's a completely arse and if he gets a cheap thrill about someone's appearance in this day and age get rid of him. He won't change and you are just gonna have to put up with this all the time

Muminthewoods19 · 28/10/2021 17:48

I'm now worried about the 1% that thinks it's reasonable....

cannockcandy · 28/10/2021 19:11

Throw him in the trash.
If he speaks about other people like that then imagine what he says about you!

Justilou1 · 28/10/2021 22:57

Wow! So many people don’t read these things. The OP dumped him so far down this thread because she is smart and knows he’s icky, and people have pointed this out repeatedly, yet new people keep coming in to say “dump him!”

Newbabynewhouse · 28/10/2021 23:41

Thanks god you dodged a bullet!!! Any more on this OP???? Has he left you alone now... sorry I'm being nosy...

Mamanyt · 29/10/2021 00:21

As the risk of repeating what has been said over 100 times, this sounds like a 13-year-old school boy (who's maturing a bit late) than a grown man. Dump him and find an adult.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 29/10/2021 01:17

@Mamanyt

As the risk of repeating what has been said over 100 times, this sounds like a 13-year-old school boy (who's maturing a bit late) than a grown man. Dump him and find an adult.
So you know the OP’s been told to dump him 100 times, but you missed the part - way back ages ago - where she said she’d done just that?! Grin
Carolinechanning · 29/10/2021 03:07

@Johnnydontcare

men have very different sense of humour to women, very school boyish generally. He won’t change so make your choice now! It made me giggle but then again I am a guy 😄
NAMALT
Summerlovin24 · 29/10/2021 07:34

Well done for getting rid. Warning signs should be observed. My ex made me feel uncomfortable in many social situations and wish I'd left years before but you try and keep the family together for the kids.

DrManhattan · 29/10/2021 09:25

Well done op. Xx

Serialweightwatcher · 29/10/2021 10:23

Anyone who does that isn't a nice person ... One throwaway comment isn't nice but it happens, however this relentless attack on someone's looks is disgusting behaviour and also quite obsessive ... Scary way to act