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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP obsessing over bouncer, weird bully behaviour?

483 replies

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 08:10

This has been bothering me since weekend. Been with “dp” for 7 months. On Saturday night we went out for a few drinks. DP nudged me at one point and told me to look at the bouncer stood near the door. I looked, turned back to Dp and said “what about him?”. He burst out laughing and said “look at his crotch” 🤔 so I looked … slightly unusual but as a nurse I know there are many conditions that could present like this so shrugged my shoulders and said something like “so what”. DP continued laughing at kept telling me to look again. I was getting irritated and told him to stop being weird so he said “he must have socks stuffed down his trousers!” I asked him to stop going on about it. He then told me to look at bouncers face. Getting really bored of this now I asked what his problem was with this guy, he replied “he looks like Gru from Despicable Me!”. Ok … tried to change the subject and saw that he was taking photos of this bloke. I swear he paid more attention to this guy than he did to me during the whole evening. He just wouldn’t stop banging on about him, even suggested he ask him for a selfie. I told him I was leaving in the end as he just wouldn’t talk about anything else. Kept going on and on about his crotch and nose.
Long story short, we got back to my place and I went to bed. Heard him giggling, turned out he’d taken numerous photos of this bloke as well as zoomed in photos of his crotch. I told him he was out of order and went to sleep.
Next morning I thought maybe I should give him some leeway as he was drunk but still wanted to say something. I asked him why he kept going on about the bouncer night before and why he’d taken photos. He burst out laughing and started asking if I thought he’d stuffed something down his trousers. I said something along the lines of “I think you’re a bit of a bully to be honest and I don’t like this side of you”. He acted shocked and gave it the whole “woah! Where is this coming from? Did you fancy him or something?” So I reminded him that I wasn’t the one staring at his crotch all night!!!

In hindsight he’s shown signs of this bullying attitude in the past. One time loudly whispered that my hairdresser had a massive nose (loud enough for her to hear if she had good hearing) and then kept going on about her looking like Alice Cooper. On another occasion he loudly “whispered” taking the piss out of the way a caretaker had said a certain word. Again loud enough for him to hear if he had good hearing.

After the whole bouncer thing I’m thinking of calling the whole thing off. He made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt he was cruel to this bloke (he’d also said he was going to upload the photos to Facebook).

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about. AIBU?

OP posts:
Vynalbob · 27/10/2021 18:32

It could be trying to put people down in order to feel bigger himself but for whatever reason he is acting like an infantile bully.
What would concern me is if this leaked into your relationship I can see it becoming easily an unhealthy controlling type.

This is who he is so I guess you have to ask yourself if his positives out way his negatives (doesn't say his age but if he's over 21 he's unlikely to change)

Gran71 · 27/10/2021 18:40

I hope you’ve got rid of him. He sounds repulsive and he’ll never change.

redgirl1 · 27/10/2021 18:46

@SweetMaryHell you are well rid. I’m embarrassed to say I can see elements of my DF here. He says things loudly on purpose for people to hear. I have seen him openly mock someone’s sexuality, make overly loud comments insulting race and religion. It’s awful. I have pulled him up on it and it’s not constant, just when he gets in a weird mood. He thinks of himself as the alpha male and then are many more things as a result of that, that I could list here. I think this guy sounds the same and i would say you have made the right choice.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/10/2021 18:52

So he is insecure and gets his kicks by being unpleasant about other people.

Yes you need to get rid of him before he starts doing it to you.

LoveFall · 27/10/2021 18:53

Yuck. Double yuck. I could not be with someone who thought it was ok to belittle someone else that way.

It is cruel. I hope he doesn't decide to publish a photo on social media.

THEDEACON · 27/10/2021 18:54

You are well rid

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/10/2021 18:55

Ahh glad to see you have got rid of this man child

Inlander · 27/10/2021 18:55

Well done OP. If he doesn’t understand what he’s done wrong then maybe send him a copy of this thread.

3plusonekids · 27/10/2021 18:56

Get rid, take it as an early red flag; this is not normal or decent behaviour.

FreshFreesias · 27/10/2021 19:01

Well done op 🥂🙌

Bebethany · 27/10/2021 19:01

RevolvingPivot Thanks for the update about her dumping him. 🌷

LoisLane66 · 27/10/2021 19:01

GET RID. 10-1 he won't stop this behaviour. It seems that his way of amusing himself is to criticise others. He has an attitude problem. You can do better.

riceuten · 27/10/2021 19:05

Wot a charmer !

If he can't understand something as basic as that, I think your paths should at this point diverge.

LoisLane66 · 27/10/2021 19:06

Perhaps the bouncer was wearing a box as cricketers do, to protect their genitals. A bouncer wouldn't want a kick in the goolies from a disgruntled punter to.

LoisLane66 · 27/10/2021 19:07

Correction. No 'to'..

pomers · 27/10/2021 19:08

Cruel, nasty, immature and narcissistic. Run as fast as you can away from this ‘man’

Bangolads · 27/10/2021 19:13

He sounds awful 😞

toastmilkraisins · 27/10/2021 19:13

You are well rid here OP. Mark my words in 5 years time he would have reduced your confidence to zero and you’d have been the butt of all his ‘jokes’. And then have been told ‘you just can’t take the banter’ or ‘you used to be fun’.

Sounds like a really weird bloke, clearly gets his kicks from humiliating other people. Interesting that he seems to do it when people are at work and so can’t really respond. He’s a piece of shit and a coward.

Bleachmycloths · 27/10/2021 19:19

Get rid of him. NOW.

Americano75 · 27/10/2021 19:22

Trust your gut. Get rid.

faultylightbulb · 27/10/2021 19:26

Get rid. ASAP.

greenmarlin · 27/10/2021 19:28

Oh god what an asshole and a bully.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 27/10/2021 19:28

God, threads get so tedious when people stop bothering their arses to actually RTFT.

Do you lot barge into conversations and force your opinions on people IRL too?!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/10/2021 19:29

I can't help laughing at the cheek of him, watching SouthPark on your doorstep after you'd told him to go away.
The sheer arrogance of him thinking... I'll just watch this to keep myself entertained and soon she will open the door and welcome me back in.
It's so ridiculous and I also laughed at the fact that you turned the wifi off to finally get rid.

browneyes77 · 27/10/2021 19:30

Reading the full thread I think you’ve done absolutely the right thing OP!

I think insecurity is the thing that is sticking out to me about him - his behaviour screams that of someone who is insecure. Putting others down, likely in a bid to pump up his own ego/confidence.

Frankly his whole attitude of trying to play victim and projecting his own behaviour onto you is giving some little red flags of narcissism. A trait that often stems from insecurity in itself.

He sounds incredibly immature and seems to have zero self awareness, nor the capability to understand why his behaviour would be seen as poor.

Part of me initially thought you could’ve been a little more direct in your text finishing things with him, so there was no ambiguity around why you were ending it and he’d get the message first time. But then I also think, it probably wouldn’t matter what you said to him, he’d take no notice and interpret it the way he wanted to and likely have still showed up at your house. He sounds like that kind of person. So I think ignoring is probably the better option. If he harasses you further then call the police.

I’d say you’re well rid.