Is it normal to not feel empathy

[Polmuggle]

There was a thread recently about if you can see things with your 'minds eye'. This is similar - I'm wondering if you can feel things with your 'minds heart' or whatever the equivalent is!

I'm sat watching celeb gogglebox, and everyone on it - celebs and the regulars - are feeling genuine deep emotions, tears etc to a documentary about a child who has cancer.

It's moments like this that make me wonder if I'm unusual or lacking. It's not that I don't know it's sad, or know it must be horrendous for that family. It's more like, I can't quite relate to or can't quite feel the emotion, so it doesn't effect me. That's true in real life as well - I care, but don't feel anything. Like I have sympathy but not empathy.

I don't know if I'm describing that right, but does anyone else get this?

@Mnusernc

It's the psychopath test, see Jon Ronson's book of the same name.

The Hare psychopath test is a checklist, a score of 30 or above is considered a psychopath.

Lack of empathy, grandiose sense of self, poor impulse regulation are part of it.

I got 5/44 for this one, good to know I’m not a psychopath ☺️

Haha @Mnusernc me neither!

No need for OP, perhaps you a little aspergers-y, but that’s no bad thing.
If you’re happy and not hurting anyone and just minding your own business like the rest of us, carry right on

I’m finding this very interesting, as I’ve been coming to the conclusion recently that my mother really struggles with empathy. It’s not that she isn’t emotional- if anything she has trouble managing her own feelings- but she just seems completely unable to understand other people’s. She can never predict how someone else is likely to react to something, so frequently upsets people with the most astonishing lack of tact and sensitivity, and is then confused and upset that the other person was unable to see that she hadn’t meant to be unkind. It’s really, really odd. She’s not generally unintelligent, it’s as if she just has this huge social skills gap, that is getting worse as she gets older (I think because she has fewer inhibitions than she used to, not sure about that though). Funnily enough she absolutely loves spotting autistic traits in other people (and asking them if they’ve ever wondered if they’re autistic 🙄)

I don't think I am neuro divergent though. Not because there's anything wrong with it, but it's not anything I've ever noticed or considered.

I don't struggle in social situations or with making friends, I don't get fixated on things or have sensory issues, I'm good with nuance and small talk etc.

Hopefully not generalised anything there but I can't think of any classic autism traits that's I would relate to.

41/80 in that link trying to be as decisive as pos but I tried it a second time being more 'meh' and less decisive and only got 25. And I'm a big cry baby so I think it's bs. Also, no autism traits. Don't think it's a good test that one because I mean shit like 'I can tell what people are thinking' ...umm no pal, I'm not psychic lol.

[quote haveiahealthyheart]@Polmuggle
How do you find this?
psychology-tools.com/test/empathy-quotient[/quote]
According to that, I'm not Autistic.

Ha ha ha.

First off I'm autistic and suffer the opposite. I am overly empathetic and it's really hard work!

Second point to make is that your example of gogglebox isn't really indicative of much. They have e been watching the whole documentary and reacting with tears, toy have just seen a clip and their reaction- so the sample of viewing isn't the same.

Try this one

psychopath.channel4.com/quizzes.html

I got 30% for context

No need for OP, perhaps you a little aspergers-y, but that’s no bad thing.

Asperger's-y is not a fucking thing at all

Maybe I have more empathy than I realise because in the foam rubber example, my reason for not putting foam rubber near the person with a phobia would be because I know how much it would upset them, even if I can't feel/relate to that upset myself.

I also find homelessness and poverty really upsetting and feel strongly about people's right to a secure home, so I do give up my time to volunteer for a local homeless organisation. I might not be feeling what those people are feeling but I get very angry if I think about capitalism too much! I have actually cried when talking to homeless people before. It's probably really unhelpful for them and I need to rein it in.

I did the empathy test quiz though and got 25! People do often tell me I'm blunt, uncompromising and have 'don't fuck with me/what you see is what you get' vibes, but my friends tell me they like this about me and I'd rather be perceived this way than as a wet blanket!

[quote Mnusernc]Try this one

psychopath.channel4.com/quizzes.html[/quote]
60%

I am the complete opposite to you op, and am a complete sap. Other people pain and sadness hurts me. I've always been like this, not just since having kids.

I think there's probably a middle ground between your lack of empathy and my overflowing cup of empathy! I think maybe the norm is somewhere there.

Oops posted too soon.

But questions like this seem so simplistic

'is it ok the step over other people to achieve your ambitions'

Yes of course it is sometimes. Not in a cruel way but the world would get nowhere if we all waited to be second place!

Ummm

Sometimes I resist becoming emotional if I think I'm being manipulated emotionally by the TV show or whatever it is.

I used to feel a lot more like you when I was young OP. I wasn't sure whether I should be feeling or showing emotion sometimes and would be looking at others for cues. I did feel elations very deeply but maybe not exactly in the same way as others.

Try this one, for each of the 20 bullet points you get one point for partial and 2 points for fully. Maximum score of 40.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/psychopathy

[quote haveiahealthyheart]@Polmuggle
How do you find this?
psychology-tools.com/test/empathy-quotient[/quote]
that test is quite rubbish because it doesn't allow you to have a neutral/I don't know opinion.

I didn't even understand Q57.
Plus a few of them had a 2 part question (A and B) which are impossible to answer truthfully (I might strongly agree with A but disagree with B or the 2 things are not relevant or mutually exclusive....)

Anyway, I got 47, but I would've preferred to answer 90% of questions with "that depends" 🤣

[quote Unsureschool]Try this one, for each of the 20 bullet points you get one point for partial and 2 points for fully. Maximum score of 40.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/psychopathy[/quote]
I don't see a test just a long article.

And seemingly people with ADHD fit some of the criteria by default (impulsiveness, lack of self-control, need for stimulation etc).
🤣 how lovely, I'd better tell my squirrels

The bullet points are the test, you just keep the score yourself.

On the ADD, not being goady but it seems massively prevalent at the moment and to me described a completely normal reaction to the responsibilities of life in a capitalist society.

[quote Mnusernc]Try this one

psychopath.channel4.com/quizzes.html[/quote]
I got 55%

no shrinking violet but no daredevil either

Hahaha, I did extreme sports as teenager including parachute jumping, and once slept in a cave 60m under a cemetery for fun. so normal and average 🤣

@Unsureschool

The bullet points are the test, you just keep the score yourself.

On the ADD, not being goady but it seems massively prevalent at the moment and to me described a completely normal reaction to the responsibilities of life in a capitalist society.

I'm 47 and grew up in communist Hungary. I've always had ADHD because it's not something you aquire, you are born with it. So I'm not sure what your point is but when I have to urge to cut my hair at 3am because it suddenly feels too long and hot that's sure as hell has nothing to do with anybody or anything else.

As you were.

Gosh I'm the opposite I feel others emotions too fiercely it's tiring.

I don’t have much empathy. I fake it with friends sometimes! I rarely cry. I have a lot going on in my own life so find it hard to feel compassion for others. I’ve worried about it too.