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Original poster

Is it normal to not feel empathy

225 replies

Polmuggle · 25/10/2021 22:35

There was a thread recently about if you can see things with your 'minds eye'. This is similar - I'm wondering if you can feel things with your 'minds heart' or whatever the equivalent is!

I'm sat watching celeb gogglebox, and everyone on it - celebs and the regulars - are feeling genuine deep emotions, tears etc to a documentary about a child who has cancer.

It's moments like this that make me wonder if I'm unusual or lacking. It's not that I don't know it's sad, or know it must be horrendous for that family. It's more like, I can't quite relate to or can't quite feel the emotion, so it doesn't effect me. That's true in real life as well - I care, but don't feel anything. Like I have sympathy but not empathy.

I don't know if I'm describing that right, but does anyone else get this?

OP posts:
Saoirse82 · 25/10/2021 23:09

Maybe you're a sociopath? Grin

Crinkle77 · 25/10/2021 23:09

I get you OP. When I see these cancer stories I do think it's very sad and of course I can empathise with them but I don't get
visibly upset.

Sofiegiraffe · 25/10/2021 23:10

Essentially there's a distinction between emotional and cognitive empathy ... The former would be for example being moved to tears by another's sadness. The latter is the ability to perspective take.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 25/10/2021 23:11

Oh Op I was exactly like you and then came the peri menopause, now I cry at absolutely everything, Oh how I long to be a hard bitch again.

Animood · 25/10/2021 23:12

So much sadness in the world, I feel like you can't empathise with everyone or you'd just spend your whole time being a blubbering mess.

Original poster
Polmuggle · 25/10/2021 23:15

@NeverTheHootenanny

Can you feel guilt OP? Like if you’ve done something that hurts or upsets someone, would you feel bad about it even if you can’t fully empathise with their feelings?
Interestingly, not if I don't know them.

If I know them or they're standing in front of me then yes I would feel really guilty and ashamed. But if I hadn't met them, then no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Polmuggle · 25/10/2021 23:15

@wobblywinelover

This is probably why the world has ended up the way it has
I'm not sure it's ALL my fault Grin
OP posts:
Fireflygal · 25/10/2021 23:16

@YourBonesAreWet, interesting. Does it impact relationships? what was your childhood like?

Egghead68 · 25/10/2021 23:16

I would find it so distressing to watch a documentary about a child with cancer that I would turn it off.

Yet I also work with people who are pretty ill and I rarely get distressed by it.

Doesn’t make any sense really.

whistleryukon · 25/10/2021 23:18

If I know them or they're standing in front of me then yes I would feel really guilty and ashamed. But if I hadn't met them, then no

So what stops you from having loads of affairs, robbing people, etc?

blessedbethechocolate · 25/10/2021 23:20

This is going to sound awful but I always feel like I don't react properly to things. When a very close family member dropped dead in front of me I knew I should cry etc but I just didn't. I was sad but as I say I don't react like others.

I really struggle to know how to act with emotional people as I don't know how I'm suppose to act. I understand they are sad but I just don't get it. I'm the same with anger, happiness etc I'm kind of just one level and feel like I have to pretend to fit in. Every so often I do get really angry but that's it. I sometimes think I must be broken. I've been called dead inside/heartless and emotionally dead by a few people in my time. I was even slapped by a family member for not crying when they thought I should.

Sofiegiraffe · 25/10/2021 23:21

@Egghead68

I would find it so distressing to watch a documentary about a child with cancer that I would turn it off.

Yet I also work with people who are pretty ill and I rarely get distressed by it.

Doesn’t make any sense really.

We develop coping mechanisms for work and ways of desensitising to get the task at hand done. That protective layer isn't there when you're relaxing at home watching a documentary.

alittlebitofc · 25/10/2021 23:23

I'm sat watching celeb gogglebox, and everyone on it - celebs and the regulars - are feeling genuine deep emotions, tears etc to a documentary about a child who has cancer

celebs and people on these shows will generally play up for the camera as if it was to show normal reaction you'd lose the entertainment value. YANBU op I think we are built to be selfish, yes we think bad things we hear are terrible but we put the focus back on ourselves and our own problems/lives. So many of us are so wrapped up in our own messes we dpn't care about the messes others have.

amsadandconfused · 25/10/2021 23:24

I genuinely do feel very empathetic towards anyone… I just imagine what they are dealing with and feel very sad / happy …normal emotions for me.

shouldistop · 25/10/2021 23:25

Another one who's far more empathetic since having children.

Snaketime · 25/10/2021 23:27

It was brought up that my DD7 doesn't have any empathy for people during a video call with her school and the hospital and the hospital said this can be a symptom of Autism.

alittlebitofc · 25/10/2021 23:27

This is probably why the world has ended up the way it has

it's always being the same though, human nature doesn't change.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 25/10/2021 23:30

@Pinkbonbon

Never?

Like, when mufassa died in the lion King it didn't make you shed a tear (ultimate psychopath test lol).

If its just some things that brings you to the verge of tears but not everything that could, then that's normal. But if your talking about absolutely nothing bringing out that kind of emotion in you...you could be a psychopath. It's not that rare. It's one in 100.

Narcissists and sociopaths have impared empathy too but they are sometimes able to get upset IF they relate to the specifics of the situation.

The Lion King only works like that if you have experience of loving parents; if the death of a parent would have actually freed you from constant physical and emotional abuse or you have no idea what having a father is like at all, you aren't going to experience the same reaction to the scene as somebody who remembers how their Dad was the world to them when they were little.

I'm not interested in watching anybody's child suffer for entertainment, though. Not because it makes me upset, but because I don't think it should be on in the first place.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/10/2021 23:32

@whistleryukon

If I know them or they're standing in front of me then yes I would feel really guilty and ashamed. But if I hadn't met them, then no

So what stops you from having loads of affairs, robbing people, etc?

Well the affairs surely is covered by the knowing people bit. And people can haven morals without guilt. You just don't do it because you've been taught its wrong.
Original poster
Polmuggle · 25/10/2021 23:33

On the lion king thing - I had very loving parents! And yes I know it's a sad scene but it doesn't trigger me to think about my own dad dying and therefore make me sad. Is that weird?! Did everyone else immediately think about their parent when they watched it?

OP posts:
Sickoffamilydrama · 25/10/2021 23:34

Your thread reminded me of this OP a researcher who discovered he was a psychopath when studying psychopaths.

You may not be though but thought it was interesting anyway.

I had a chaotic childhood. I sometimes struggle to feel love towards my family but this is only if I'm very stressed. And the reason is that I learnt from young to not feel as a protective measure against the trauma I was experiencing. So it's hardwired in me to shut down.

secretbookcase · 25/10/2021 23:34

@MacMahon

I’m genuinely surprised at how well-received this going! The OP sounds like something out of the DSM.
What is DSM?
LonginesPrime · 25/10/2021 23:36

The Lion King only works like that if you have experience of loving parents; if the death of a parent would have actually freed you from constant physical and emotional abuse or you have no idea what having a father is like at all, you aren't going to experience the same reaction to the scene as somebody who remembers how their Dad was the world to them when they were little.

Ohh, it's about the parent thing? I had no idea that's what people were on about!

blessedbethechocolate · 25/10/2021 23:38

@Polmuggle

On the lion king thing - I had very loving parents! And yes I know it's a sad scene but it doesn't trigger me to think about my own dad dying and therefore make me sad. Is that weird?! Did everyone else immediately think about their parent when they watched it?
I lost my dad at a young age and even though I loved him and we were really close the Lion King has no affect on me. (Except for anger in the new one that they replaced scars song which was always the best one in the original with talking).

I didn't even cry when my dad died so can't see why I would about a cartoon.

Toomanyradishes · 25/10/2021 23:38

I feel emotions and empathy but i dont cry much, thats just not how i express or feel my emotion

I dont have a mind eye so theres no mental crying to be done either Grin

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