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Original poster

Is it normal to not feel empathy

225 replies

Polmuggle · 25/10/2021 22:35

There was a thread recently about if you can see things with your 'minds eye'. This is similar - I'm wondering if you can feel things with your 'minds heart' or whatever the equivalent is!

I'm sat watching celeb gogglebox, and everyone on it - celebs and the regulars - are feeling genuine deep emotions, tears etc to a documentary about a child who has cancer.

It's moments like this that make me wonder if I'm unusual or lacking. It's not that I don't know it's sad, or know it must be horrendous for that family. It's more like, I can't quite relate to or can't quite feel the emotion, so it doesn't effect me. That's true in real life as well - I care, but don't feel anything. Like I have sympathy but not empathy.

I don't know if I'm describing that right, but does anyone else get this?

OP posts:
passionfruitpizza · 26/10/2021 12:52

I find it difficult in real life, on tv if they have the appropriate music, dialogue, editing etc in combination and are really making it obvious that emotion should be felt it will make me cry.

georgarina · 26/10/2021 13:03

Is it possible that you feel more emotionless hypothetically than you would be in reality?

Like sometimes I used to feel like that, but in reality when sad things happened I'd feel really sad for people.

I never used to be affected by sad films etc. A little more now as I've gotten older and had kids. Or I'll get goosebumps at things. But I don't think it's strange to watch a documentary about somthing sad and think it's sad without having an emotional reaction.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/10/2021 13:09

@Mnusernc

The test is, if you see a grotesque crime scene photo do you feel upset or interested?
Indifferent. And probably wondering how the fuck a crime scene photo got into my copy of Trailrunner Magazine.
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 26/10/2021 13:14

I don't think it's to an alarming degree but you do seem to have an abnormal lack of empathy.

Egghead68 · 26/10/2021 13:14

Repelled, probably

Charlene1971 · 26/10/2021 13:17

I would consider myself an empathetic person. When it snows I can't help feeling concerned about people living on the streets. I sat and watched the Notebook with a few other people a few years ago, and the 3 people I was with were sobbing their hearts out, and I didn't shed a tear.

It's all about what triggers you! I can't watch anything to do with animals being mistreated, it would kill me.

Ws2210 · 26/10/2021 13:27

Narcissists and sociopaths have impared empathy

And judging by this thread, apparently childless women do too Hmm

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 26/10/2021 13:28

@Mnusernc

The test is, if you see a grotesque crime scene photo do you feel upset or interested?
What test is that? What are the circumstances? Is it real or fictional? Who is the victim?

Nobody in my country wept when the Ceausescus were executed on Christmas Day in '98. The image of their sunken dead bodies were shown in every news round.
People felt relief and they weren't sociopaths or psycopaths for having zero empathy for those scum being killed.

And there are plenty of people who are obsessed with crime shows and can usually detach themselves emotionally from the gruesome scenes they see (real or not).
You can't say that morbid curiosity or an interest in criminal behaviour or enjoying a good murder mystery mean people have no empathy.

I want to know what test you are referring to.

godmum56 · 26/10/2021 13:30

I find tearjerking TV really annoying and manipulative and don't watch it

Mjjbgfessrgb · 26/10/2021 13:31

@Hopeisallineed

Since I had DC, I cry at toilet paper adverts. 😩
Donkey adverts and Bluey Blush
saraclara · 26/10/2021 13:36

@Ws2210

Narcissists and sociopaths have impared empathy

And judging by this thread, apparently childless women do too Hmm

I don't think that's it at all. But I do think that having a child unleashes some primal protective instinct that is triggered even if it's someone else's child on the news. It's a pretty selfish trigger, really. But it's the instinct that's there to keep children alive once you have them. And it doesn't extend beyond being triggered by child tragedies in my experience.

It waned for me once my kids were independent. But it's come back in a less extreme way now that I have a toddler DGD.

It doesn't make parents special, nor are people's comments meant to be exclusionary (I hope). It's just biology.

Pinkbonbon · 26/10/2021 13:38

@Mnusernc

The test is, if you see a grotesque crime scene photo do you feel upset or interested?
Not all psychopaths are interested in murder. Same goes for narcissists and similar. It depends on the hobby of the person. People with perfectly healthy empathy can also still be intrigued by true crime, even when it's gruesome.

The stereotype of the psychopath as a cold blooded killer or someone who likes causing physical harm to others is why we can't spot so many of them.

I know one who was a classical music student.
She was smart and charming and hard working and pretty and talented. It just so happens that she couldn't feel empathy. Not a thing. It puzzled her as if it were a different language she could not speak. And annoyed her when she saw it in others because it was something she could never posess.

Lollipop444 · 26/10/2021 13:41

@godmum56

I find tearjerking TV really annoying and manipulative and don't watch it
Yes so do I and as soon as you watch it a few times you realise it’s a formula that the producers use over and over again. It turns me cold to be honest. It may have pulled on my heart strings a couple of times until I realised I was being manipulated!

I first noticed it with X factor and similar reality shows. It got to the point that practically every contestant had a sob story.

Now I notice it with shows like ambulance where each week one of the crew has a sob story and they play the sad music etc. It’s too formulaic for my liking and because of that I don’t enjoy it.

Blackmagicqueen · 26/10/2021 13:42

Since I had dc I literally cry at adverts. I am also a lot more emotional to anything involving children. When I was younger I rarely cried at anything. I do feel empathy as I always imagine if it was happening to me how I would feel but dh doesn’t and consequently a lot less emotional.

RealBecca · 26/10/2021 13:43

Oh give over @wobblywinelover, can we drop the what is the world coming to narrative. You do know rape, torture, murder was common in history, right?

Not feeling empathy in the same way as you do doesnt mean someone isnt living a kind and moral life. Perhaps if you had more empathy instead of judging someone like OP for not feeling like you the world wpuld be a better place.

haveiahealthyheart · 26/10/2021 13:46

Wow. This is fascinating. I never knew so many people lacked empathy.

If somebody is sad or suffering, I feel distressed and want to make the situation better.

What was school like for yoy @Polmuggle? Did you find it easy to get along with others and make friends?

haveiahealthyheart · 26/10/2021 13:50

@Polmuggle
How do you find this?
psychology-tools.com/test/empathy-quotient

brokenbiscuitsx · 26/10/2021 13:51

I am a sop, like I cry/ she’d a tear at a lot of things (always been this way) but I think I know what you mean OP. I wonder if we are getting desensitised to it all. Those charity adverts don’t really affect me as much as they used to, I just think sometimes if we got affected by everything bad that goes on in the world we’d all be crying constantly!

I think things you can relate to will affect us more E.g one of an old couple d passing away (when they’ve been together all their lives) always makes me a mess as I think of my grandparents and parents for example. Children walking to get water in Africa, yes I know it’s awful but it doesn’t affect me directly so although I watch it and think how awful it is, I don’t we’ll up in the same way.

Maybe that makes me selfish but maybe it’s just human nature to care about those closest to you.

Chocolatehamper · 26/10/2021 13:52

I remember as a child watching 'Little House on the Prairie' on Sunday nights. My mother would always, without fail, bawl at the end of every episode and we kids would take great delight in laughing at her.

Then I had kids of my own and it's my turn to bawl at anything! Much to my mum's delight!!!

Whether it's the worry of the same thing happening to you or raging hormones which I blame on the menopause, I don't know but I do know my daughter feels the exact same way as you do and she worries that people will think her odd or strange because of it.

I think as long as you're not doing or saying anything with the intention of hurting someone, then it's ok!

Onemorebaby · 26/10/2021 13:58

To the pp who are able to turn it off at work or "put a protective layer on" how do you do this? This would be a really helpful skill to learn.

Original poster
Polmuggle · 26/10/2021 14:00

[quote haveiahealthyheart]@Polmuggle
How do you find this?
psychology-tools.com/test/empathy-quotient[/quote]
I scored 20 Blush

OP posts:
Mnusernc · 26/10/2021 14:03

It's the psychopath test, see Jon Ronson's book of the same name.

The Hare psychopath test is a checklist, a score of 30 or above is considered a psychopath.

Lack of empathy, grandiose sense of self, poor impulse regulation are part of it.

brokenbiscuitsx · 26/10/2021 14:11

[quote haveiahealthyheart]@Polmuggle
How do you find this?
psychology-tools.com/test/empathy-quotient[/quote]
I got 60

Blackmagicqueen · 26/10/2021 14:12

I just took the test and scored 65, not sure if that is good or is around the middle better?

Mnusernc · 26/10/2021 14:13

67 here and would not say I'm a total sap in general

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