Is it normal to not feel empathy

[Polmuggle]

There was a thread recently about if you can see things with your 'minds eye'. This is similar - I'm wondering if you can feel things with your 'minds heart' or whatever the equivalent is!

I'm sat watching celeb gogglebox, and everyone on it - celebs and the regulars - are feeling genuine deep emotions, tears etc to a documentary about a child who has cancer.

It's moments like this that make me wonder if I'm unusual or lacking. It's not that I don't know it's sad, or know it must be horrendous for that family. It's more like, I can't quite relate to or can't quite feel the emotion, so it doesn't effect me. That's true in real life as well - I care, but don't feel anything. Like I have sympathy but not empathy.

I don't know if I'm describing that right, but does anyone else get this?

I’m not sure that watching something on tv that is specifically designed to arouse intense emotions that make you donate to a cause is a fair guide to whether or not you’re an empathetic person.

Neither would I say that the Gogglebox regulars or celebrities are necessarily experiencing ‘genuine deep emotions’ — some people are just easy weepers, and remember all these people know their reactions to seriously ill children on tv are being filmed and then watched by millions. Do you think they want to look callous?

all I can think of "sociopathic characteristic". eek. sorry

I mean it's ok to switch off from feeling for others, especially if you usually care a lot.
Compassion fatigue is very real but it doesn't happen unless someone is on the verge of an emotional & mental burn out.
It's also ok to not want to care or be involved in drama that uses up emotional reserves because of having too much on your plate already.
Like if the Queen died today I'd probably just shrug my shoulders because I have no more fucks to give right now. Another day I might feel sad or even cry about it, today I'm finished. There's only so much one can take and that's normal.

But if you have NEVER felt empathy, never been moved to tears, never identified with someone else's grief or loss (real or fictional) then I think that's not normal, sorry.

Loving the casual suggestions thrown in that OP might be a psychopath. Seems like a bit of a reach!

@Sofiegiraffe

Essentially there's a distinction between emotional and cognitive empathy ... The former would be for example being moved to tears by another's sadness. The latter is the ability to perspective take.

Cognitive empathy is not a thing. that would just be sympathy.

Recognising that you should feel empathy is not empathy.

I can relate to this.

This may sound harsh but television makes me feel less empathetic because I approach it from the standpoint that they are seeking to manipulate my emotions and I don’t want to give them the satisfaction.

I was trained by my parents to think emotional responses triggered by the tv were “cheap” and fake. It sounds a bit fucked up saying it like that but it rah pretty deep.

So I wouldn’t cry at a child on the tv with cancer because I would feel at some really primal level that someone was trying to manipulate me. I would understand intellectually that it was very sad but I wouldn’t feel actively upset.

Whereas if it was someone I knew it would be a different ballgame.

But if you have NEVER felt empathy, never been moved to tears, never identified with someone else's grief or loss (real or fictional) then I think that's not normal, sorry.

Well, it's normal for lots of neurodivergent people.

You're probably not a psychopath, OP.

I wish I was a bit more like you OP, I’m the opposite, particularly anything to do with animals, it’s horrible to feel so distressed about things I see and hear, things really stay with me and play on my mind, I watched the plight of the starving babies in Afghanistan on the news tonight and it really affected me, a lot of the time I have to switch off so I don’t have the images in my head. People like you who care but don’t feel are exactly the type of people who are probably great in a crisis and get things done without the baggage of emotion, if you didn’t care then yes I think that is psychopath territory, as a pp said it’s very common to be a psychopath, I have read that psychopaths make excellent politicians and CEO’s not all become serial killers!

@blessedbethechocolate

This is going to sound awful but I always feel like I don't react properly to things. When a very close family member dropped dead in front of me I knew I should cry etc but I just didn't. I was sad but as I say I don't react like others.

I really struggle to know how to act with emotional people as I don't know how I'm suppose to act. I understand they are sad but I just don't get it. I'm the same with anger, happiness etc I'm kind of just one level and feel like I have to pretend to fit in. Every so often I do get really angry but that's it. I sometimes think I must be broken. I've been called dead inside/heartless and emotionally dead by a few people in my time. I was even slapped by a family member for not crying when they thought I should.

Whilst I do get upset by sad programs and feel empathy.

I can relate, my mum has called me cold & heartless yet at the same time got me to go put or beloved horse down as a teen because she couldn't do it. Then called me cold for not sobbing well no I had to keep it together to get the fucking job done and be an adult before my time.

Basically my parents but mostly my mum's emotional immaturity mucked up my emotional responses.

The lion king scene has never had an effect on me, I could never really empathise with Simba and Mufasa and they annoyed me although I couldn’t articulate why having not seen the film in decades. I would be in floods of tears watching Dumbo though. I think everybody’s empathy is triggered by different things and we won’t all be touched or moved by the same things.

You’ve just described me! If someone I know and love is having a tough time I’d do whatever necessary to help them, but I wouldn’t feel their emotions. I can listen to people telling me absolutely devastating things about their own lives without feeling emotion myself, although I can of course appreciate when things are incredibly sad/horrifying/traumatic etc. I know this rationally and logically, I just don’t feel it.

I thought everyone was like this til I was about 22! I remember being really baffled when a friend at the time said they’d cried tears of happiness upon finding out a friend of theirs was getting engaged and having a baby. I was like…. But why? It isn’t happening to you! Obviously lovely for the person and I’d be pleased for them but I wouldn’t be feeling their happiness myself.

I feel my own emotions strongly though if something happens to me. Oh, and anything about animals. Show me a video about a dog rescued from living in a bin and I’ll cry.

But if you have NEVER felt empathy, never been moved to tears, never identified with someone else's grief or loss (real or fictional) then I think that's not normal, sorry.
But some of it is about life experience. I had a very poorly baby. I had lots of support from my friends,it's of sympathy. It's oy as they've had children that they've fully empathised retrospectively. Both my parents are alive, I have utter sympathy with my friend when he Dad died but I can't quite put myself there. When my step Mom's dog died I couldn't y understand the level of her upset, but I could understand why and be sympathetic. If your boyfriend cheated on you I could be far more empathetic.

I didn't cry when my mum or dad died but I cried at tonight's Corrie! Wish I knew what on Earth that means about me lol

@fireflygal I have a great marriage but it probably does affect it in ways. As a positive, I am able to handle situations my husband finds difficult like pets dying.

My childhood was not the best. I definitely cried a lot as a teenager!

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

all I can think of "sociopathic characteristic". eek. sorry

I mean it's ok to switch off from feeling for others, especially if you usually care a lot.
Compassion fatigue is very real but it doesn't happen unless someone is on the verge of an emotional & mental burn out.
It's also ok to not want to care or be involved in drama that uses up emotional reserves because of having too much on your plate already.
Like if the Queen died today I'd probably just shrug my shoulders because I have no more fucks to give right now. Another day I might feel sad or even cry about it, today I'm finished. There's only so much one can take and that's normal.

But if you have NEVER felt empathy, never been moved to tears, never identified with someone else's grief or loss (real or fictional) then I think that's not normal, sorry.

It is normal for some people though. I can never understand why people talk about compassion fatigue, or having too much on their own plate to deal with other people’s problems because I could literally listen to other people’s problems endlessly without it emotionally affecting me. Even if I’ve got shit going on myself. I accept other people feel this way, but I can’t relate to it.

I don’t think it’s a problem though unless your behaviour is uncaring or you’re intentionally hurting people.

@TedMullins

But crying “tears of happiness” that someone is getting married and having a baby isn’t normal, surely?

Do people actually do that?

I’m starting to think maybe I am a psychopath as I would never do that. If a friend tells me they are getting married or having a baby I could obviously understand how they would be happy but I would never feel like that. I think that’s quite weird tbh.

@blessedbethechocolate

This is going to sound awful but I always feel like I don't react properly to things. When a very close family member dropped dead in front of me I knew I should cry etc but I just didn't. I was sad but as I say I don't react like others.

I really struggle to know how to act with emotional people as I don't know how I'm suppose to act. I understand they are sad but I just don't get it. I'm the same with anger, happiness etc I'm kind of just one level and feel like I have to pretend to fit in. Every so often I do get really angry but that's it. I sometimes think I must be broken. I've been called dead inside/heartless and emotionally dead by a few people in my time. I was even slapped by a family member for not crying when they thought I should.

I am like this too.

I feel massive empathy but in a sort of detached way.

And in traumatic or sad circumstances I feel like I am watching myself acting a part, like I don’t really know what to do or say. I don’t know if it’s social awkwardness or anxiety or if it’s because I was brought up to hide my emotions, like typical British stiff upper lip.

@Paddingtonthebear exactly what I was going to say

@LonginesPrime

The Lion King only works like that if you have experience of loving parents; if the death of a parent would have actually freed you from constant physical and emotional abuse or you have no idea what having a father is like at all, you aren't going to experience the same reaction to the scene as somebody who remembers how their Dad was the world to them when they were little.

Ohh, it's about the parent thing? I had no idea that's what people were on about!

I disagree that it only upsets you if you havd a loving relationship with your dad. Maybe it would be less emotional for you if you've never loved ANYONE and so can't imagine the pain of losing someone. But I don't need to have a sister in order to feel the hurt of someone crying about losing their sister, for example.

Because its the loss of a loved one that you empathise with.

Also, he is a cute little animal who is all sad so dad stuff asside that's pretty heartstring tuggy too.

If someone I know and love is having a tough time I’d do whatever necessary to help them, but I wouldn’t feel their emotions. I can listen to people telling me absolutely devastating things about their own lives without feeling emotion myself, although I can of course appreciate when things are incredibly sad/horrifying/traumatic etc. I know this rationally and logically, I just don’t feel it

This is a much more articulate way of describing what I mean! Thank you!

*hurt for

I mean, a total lack of empathy is generally not normal. But people have different levels which can all be within the realms of normal.

I never cry at the cancer stories (think too much exposure to all the sad TV stories over the years has made me jaded over them). I also didn't cry at my own grandfathers funeral. But I often get upset if I see for example an old man alone Or even read a sad bit of a book. When I feel it it's a keen pang in my chest, like an ache for them.

Do you never feel sad for others or just not in cases such as sad stories on TV?

Yes Dumbo that baby be mine song would trigger me anything with kids being taken away. The handmaidens tale had me in floods or tears multiple times.

But my cat dying might not upset me it's weird and I'm not sure what triggers me to shutdown at times because I have been upset when I've had to take the kids pets to be put down.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@TedMullins

But crying “tears of happiness” that someone is getting married and having a baby isn’t normal, surely?

Do people actually do that?

I’m starting to think maybe I am a psychopath as I would never do that. If a friend tells me they are getting married or having a baby I could obviously understand how they would be happy but I would never feel like that. I think that’s quite weird tbh.[/quote]
I’m glad you said this because I thought (and still think) it’s utterly bonkers. As a stand-alone example I can only think of one person I know who might react in such an extreme way (she also cries if you tell her anything sad) but it led to a wider conversation with the happy crying person about the degree to which you feel emotions of others, and it transpired we both thought the other was weird for our responses.

I’m not sure - I would say the people on goggle box are picked specifically because they’re melodramatic. Very few of us are sitting at home gasping and sobbing over Thursday night telly realistically.

Occasionally I will feel a bit tearful watching telly but usually only if it’s a long running programme where I feel I’ve ‘got to know’ the characters. So I might feel a bit emotional at the end of the fifth season of a show I loved because it’s saying goodbye to the show. I’m unlikely to sob my heart out over a random television programme or documentary - like you I recognise that it is sad but I wouldn’t cry over it. I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal.

I would never cry tears of happiness in response to someone else’s good news but truthfully I have never ever cried tears of happiness in response to something in my own life either. Are tears of happiness really a thing outside of movies and books? Feeling that level of joy seems alien to me, I have been happy before but I have never felt extremes of happiness in the same way I have felt extremes of sadness, certainly not enough to move me to tears or any other uncontrollable response.