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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it normal to not feel empathy

225 replies

Polmuggle · 25/10/2021 22:35

There was a thread recently about if you can see things with your 'minds eye'. This is similar - I'm wondering if you can feel things with your 'minds heart' or whatever the equivalent is!

I'm sat watching celeb gogglebox, and everyone on it - celebs and the regulars - are feeling genuine deep emotions, tears etc to a documentary about a child who has cancer.

It's moments like this that make me wonder if I'm unusual or lacking. It's not that I don't know it's sad, or know it must be horrendous for that family. It's more like, I can't quite relate to or can't quite feel the emotion, so it doesn't effect me. That's true in real life as well - I care, but don't feel anything. Like I have sympathy but not empathy.

I don't know if I'm describing that right, but does anyone else get this?

OP posts:

TedMullins · 25/10/2021 23:54

Same, @MolkosTeenageAngst. I’ve only ever cried when I’m sad!

Kanaloa · 25/10/2021 23:55

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@TedMullins

But crying “tears of happiness” that someone is getting married and having a baby isn’t normal, surely?

Do people actually do that?

I’m starting to think maybe I am a psychopath as I would never do that. If a friend tells me they are getting married or having a baby I could obviously understand how they would be happy but I would never feel like that. I think that’s quite weird tbh.[/quote]
I definitely wouldn’t cry over someone else having a baby. We did wait up excitedly for a phone call when sil had her baby and were happy to congratulate her but me sobbing tears of joy would have felt odd to be honest. It’s her big emotional moment of becoming a mum, not mine.

saraclara · 25/10/2021 23:57

I have great empathy. It's been part and parcel of my job, and without it, I couldn't have been as effective as I was for all those years. But I'm not a crier, and I find it weird when people sob like they do on Gogglebox.

As someone else put it, empathy is about having the imagination to recognise what someone else is experiencing or feeling, when it's not what you might be feeling yourself. As a teacher of non-verbal autistic children who'd suddenly lose it for no apparent reason, I had to put myself into their heads, look at their environment and try to imagine what it was (that was nothing to me) that had given them some kind of overload. And recognise that just because this thing didn't bother me, didn't mean that it was unreasonable to feel that way.

And then I'd have to behave in a counter-intuitive way (for me) in order to reduce their anxiety. Because it didn't matter what I thought or felt. I had to understand and recognise how they felt.

But I very rarely cry at other people's stuff. I want to put things right for them (desperately), but it's not a sentimental thing.

I don't think I'm explaining myself well. Sorry. But I get it.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/10/2021 23:58

@TedMullins

Call me cynical but I would assume in that situation that the person crying tears of happiness is either projecting something from their own life or they want something from the other person.

People do definitely get triggered by different things but the announcement of someone else’s impending marriage or pregnancy is fairly mundane. You would obviously express happiness on their behalf (unless you were an arsehole), but I would be suspicious of anyone professing to feel it like that.

Unless the person was in remission from cancer or something. Otherwise, no.

AlexaShutUp · 25/10/2021 23:58

I think I'm on the other end of the spectrum, OP. Too flipping empathetic. That isn't a stealth boast by the way. It isn't always a good thing. I'm very easily manipulated for example.

You have made it clear that it isn't that you don't care. If you don't feel other people's emotions, so what? As long as you are a kind and decent person, then it doesn't matter.

I often wish I could detach a bit more. I am too good at tuning into what people feel and can't ever switch off from it. It's fucking exhausting.

FTstepmum · 25/10/2021 23:59

I have less obvious emotion in these kind of situations, ever since I had a full on mental breakdown years ago.

It used to worry me, but I'm not anymore. I'm still kind and loving - and I bet you are too.

TableFlowerss · 26/10/2021 00:00

Well if it’s to do with children I could cry buckets. It finished me off watching stuff like that then finding out they’ve died. It’s the tragedy in it that breaks me and to think the little souls never got to experience life. I then feel so sad for the parents because the pain must be absolutely horrific.

On the other hand, I would never feel like crying when I hear of someone elderly dying, even my own family. It doesn’t affect me. I know the family will be sad and I can appreciate their sadness but it doesn’t affect me at all when I hear of 85 years passing away. It’s like I see as as they’re at peace and they’ve had a long (and hopefully a lovely) long life. There’s no tragedy in it.

I’m basically very affected by how tragic a situation is. That’s the trigger for me.

We’re all different and we don’t chose to feel a particular way.

mij66 · 26/10/2021 00:00

All these people who were "hard" before having kids! I'd cry at adverts before I had mine, now we may as well flood proof the house!

immersivereader · 26/10/2021 00:00

S'all your fault op

Don't worry, I find I tough too.

saraclara · 26/10/2021 00:01

Also...when I was caring for my dying husband, friends (some who were barely more than acquaintances) would message me to say they were crying for us. I found that weird too. I wasn't crying. I was agonised and desperately sad of course, but I was getting on with it. So why were they crying?

DrGoogleSaysSo · 26/10/2021 00:03

I don't cry easily but when it's something to do with children suffering or dying I cry my eyes out. Unfortunately lately there's so many news of children killed by their own parents or parent's partners or missing .

Cattenberg · 26/10/2021 00:04

I don’t feel sad about every tragedy. I worry that I’m quite a cold person. But every now and then, a stranger’s tragedy upsets me and I do cry a bit.

And yes, animal cruelty upsets me more often than cruelty towards humans. I don’t know why, but maybe it’s because animals often seem so vulnerable and trusting.

@AmberLynn1536, the story about the baby girl in Afghanistan being sold to a man bothers me a lot. I wish I could give her family the money to keep her.

thepeopleversuswork · 26/10/2021 00:05

@saraclara

Sorry for your loss…

You raise a good point though: it sometimes is easier to feel really emotional about something when you’re not deeply involved in it.

If you are dealing with bereavement or terminal illness or something similar you are in a near permanent stress response which means a sort of fight or flight reaction kicks in and people can seem pretty hard headed dealing with things day to day.

I didn’t cry when either of my parents died. I was so wrapped up in getting through it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/10/2021 00:09

I have this too much.

I like the way of putting it “feel things with your mind’s heart”

I can’t really watch anything that involves children and tragedy at all.

PrinnyPree · 26/10/2021 00:09

I'm a bit the opposite and find it debilitating at times. For example if I read a headline on a social media platform about a child abuse case (especially if they show a photo of the child) and they even give the tiniest detail like the childs age and what the charges were, or something the child said, then my brain will visualise it like a movie and I'll not be able to sleep without crying about it for days or even weeks later. I don't wish I couldn't empathise but wish that I could detatch enough that I wasn't an emotional wreck for an extended period just hearing about a harrowing story. Same goes for animal abuse, elderly abuse or any vulnerable person. But cruelty is a big trigger for me, especially since becoming a parent.

People will probably think I'm a massive wetbag but I really appreciate trigger warnings or care warnings on posts because of this reason too.

I don't think my reaction is 100% the norm and I doubt having zero reaction is the "norm" either. I think like everything there is probably a spectrum or sliding scale and it is perfectly okay not to have a visceral reaction to a strangers plight as long as you can still sympathise enough to be able to mitigate harm if called upon.

takenforgrantednana · 26/10/2021 00:10

@Polmuggle

There was a thread recently about if you can see things with your 'minds eye'. This is similar - I'm wondering if you can feel things with your 'minds heart' or whatever the equivalent is!

I'm sat watching celeb gogglebox, and everyone on it - celebs and the regulars - are feeling genuine deep emotions, tears etc to a documentary about a child who has cancer.

I don't know if I'm describing that right, but does anyone else get this?

for what those on gogglebox get paid i could be seen to have empathy!

unless you have been thr a situation such as that then i doubt that you would feel anything

i do get what your saying tho as im just the same, unfortunately it makes me appear coldhearted which im not because i do feel sorry for them, just i dont feel the need to burst into dramatics of tears flowing etc etc

Neolara · 26/10/2021 00:16

I think I'm the opposite of OP. I seem to "catch" other people's emotions. I'm very tuned I to how others are feeling. I wonder whether I have a disproportionately high number of mirror neurones.

steff13 · 26/10/2021 00:20

I had a friend who tried for many years to get pregnant, then she finally did. I cried when she told me, because I was so happy for her. That's normal.

I thought the yawn test was the ultimate test for empathy. If someone near you yawns and you don't, no empathy.

steff13 · 26/10/2021 00:20

@Neolara

I think I'm the opposite of OP. I seem to "catch" other people's emotions. I'm very tuned I to how others are feeling. I wonder whether I have a disproportionately high number of mirror neurones.

Same.

peachesarenom · 26/10/2021 00:22

I'm the other way and it is exhausting. I was well into my thirties before I realised it wasn't actually my responsibility to try and make things better for everyone!

toomuchlaundry · 26/10/2021 00:23

I cried watching that episode of gogglebox. Like others have said I have got worse since having a child (although I was quite emotional before). I remember crying at a Gillette razor advert when I was pregnant . I thought that was down to pregnancy hormones and that I wouldn't be so emotional once I had DS. How wrong I was!

julieca · 26/10/2021 00:25

I think I used to have more empathy even as a child. I remember being incredibly upset at a child pulling legs off a daddy long legs, I was inconsolable.
But I have worked and volunteered with so many people leading really shitty lives and trauma that my empathy has been blunted.

Owlink · 26/10/2021 00:32

@alexashutup @PrinnyPree I'm with you, the too empathetic it's exhausting brigade. And especially about cruelty and especially cruelty to animals. Anything about that, that I read or see, makes my heart hurt (I know it sounds like an exaggeration) and it stays with me so I just avoid the news as much as I can. If I ever catch the start of those adverts / campaigns to save donkeys, tigers etc I have to dive for the remote to turn them off, shouting so I can't hear the words, looking away so I can't see the poor animal's face. I used to be able to watch animal documentaries but, since about my 40s, I just won't risk it in case there's even just a will they won't they scenario - will this little bird get away from the snake - it might be ok in the end but I can't even watch the jeopardy. I can't stand animals being frightened. I do feel similarly about humans but it's much much worse if it's an animal.
I wish I could just grow the fuck up to be honest. It's ridiculous.

Lanareyrey · 26/10/2021 00:33

I’m a bit like you OP! Antidepressants probably don’t help either…

StillMedusa · 26/10/2021 00:49

I started the thread about not having a mind's eye.
I'm the same as you. I'm not sure if it's because I am probably autistic (two of my adult children are.. one disablingly so) or whether it's just me.
It's not that I don't care..I care deeply about my children. But there is a disconnect between me and the rest of the world and I am very rarely upset by world events, distressing stories and the like, and find it faintly bewildering when other people react so strongly.

Even when my Dad died... sad in some ways, but in others I was pragmatic... he was ill, he died. I was practical and useful..not a mess. But not totally unfeeling.. I often get a pang of loss when I want to ring and tell him something, and can't. I love my husband but I know that the only grief that would absolutely incapacitate me, would be the loss of my children.
I'm not remotely sentimental about possessions or people.
Except animals. Animals suffering provoke a totally different response. Perhaps because they are at our mercy. I pay for several different animal charities each month rather than human ones.. a rescued dog or cat can make me cry. People not so much...

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