Pretty privilege - do you have it?

[BlueSparklesss]

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

Yes it exists. I stopped traffic in Tower Bridge when guy was insistent on talking to me. To be honest it's not all it's cracked up to be. I would rather be taken seriously for what l say over how l look.

I can only think that you were actually very attractive and had the misfortune to be in the presence of a lot of really bitchy women

DP reckons that the times I've been told 'You scrub up alright, don't you?' and men have been more effusive (which I've shrugged off as being silly to make me smile) is actually Man Speak for 'You're really attractive but I can't tell you that because it would make this weird'. But he should be biased anyhow, shouldn't he?

And he did look almost murderous when he first met a relative of mine - in traumatic circumstances - and the first thing they said to me wasn't 'thanks for coming', 'hello' or just the bare facts, it was 'What do you want? Nobody wants your ugly cat face pushing up for attention'.

I hope it's just that I was pretty. The alternative is that I'm ugly as sin/some kind of disgusting mutant and have absolutely no redeeming features personality wise.

I consider myself average although not really conventional looking and am very happy with that. I scrub up well enough on a night out and am lucky enough to be slim, look young for my age and have high cheekbones which helps.
I look back at photos in my 20s and realise I was miles better looking than I thought-so it was all a waste lol
I’m truly happy in my own skin now

@Crimeismymiddlename

I did, and life was easier. It was over by 30, I got fat and let myself go. Recently I have noticed that now I have lost a bit of weight and started to dress better, wear make up and do my hair the ‘privilege’ has snuck back a bit, not a huge amount but I no longer feel invisible.

This is me! I've recently lost a lot of weight, and while I've not felt invisible when I was larger, I have noticed a significant change in the attention I receive.

Even just from service when I go shopping or to a restaurant/bar.

I do this confidence does feed into this too - I feel better about myself (despite being riddled with insecurities) and I think this flows out.

ugly cat face

But cats are so pretty!

I mean, I know we're talking about a 'cat face' on a person....but I fail to see how this could be in any way remotely ugly

Smacks of jealousy on the part of the person using this as an insult - a 'cat face' conjures up images of cute features and beautifully shaped eyes, imo.

Oh completely. As someone above said, I would never say this IRL... When I was young I was very pretty - lots of male attention, people would turn and stare at me. I remember getting a flight with a work colleague (actually even in my late 20s) and her saying to me afterwards she couldn't understand why people were watching us walk down the aisle on the plane until she realised they were looking at me. People were helpful to me and I'm sure my life was just easier and more pleasant.

I am now in my 40s, overweight and definitely becoming invisible. I had no idea how lucky I was... really depressing!!

Yes I definitely think it's a thing for some people. I've often been told I'm pretty/beautiful but I think it's starting to fade now I'm in my late 30s. I'm not particularly friendly on the surface or smiley and can be a bit shy so it's not really benefited me that much in my life though.

I have the ugliest nose in the world. If you look at lists of the least desirable nose I own number one. I was a very cute but not beautiful child but puberty made my nose grow and it all went downhill. I peaked in looks in my 30s after an ugly teens and 20s and by the time i’d realised it was all over. I didn’t have pretty privilege though. The nose always saw to that.

Being 6 ft tall on its own has brought me certain attention I neither invite nor need. I simply get ready in the morning, am fine with how I look for a 40-something woman although I know I'm not 20 anymore, and then don't give it a thought for the rest of the day. I've never cared in the least how others perceive me physically. It's not on my radar at all. Because I'm female it's highly likely that would be perceived as arrogance.

It's not that I don't care what other people think per se. If I can make a room full of people sit up and notice what I say, to ask intelligent questions about it, or to write positive reviews of my work, I get an enormous buzz and a lot of confidence from that.

Unwanted attention from male strangers does not amount to any form of 'privilege'. Judging by the saddest of testimony I've heard from women - on MN and elsewhere - the idea that anyone would find this flattering or welcome is anathema to me.

Invisibility holds no fear for me whatsoever. I'm usually too busy thinking about other stuff.

All my life I’ve been told I’m pretty (50+yr old can’t surely be pretty but am still told the same now).
Have always been given privilege and helped out by anyone and everyone from colleagues to staff in shops etc.
Also been glared at and told “just because you are pretty…..”
Also been told “so and so is mean to you because they’re jealous that you are pretty.”
I don’t see myself as pretty at all, just plain

Interesting thread. I'm a harassed mum now so am fairly invisible, but when I was younger I was pretty.
If I'm honest, it was a PITA. I'm a bit on the introvert side and don't like people to be in my face, but was incessantly hassled and approached my men. That sounds like boasting but there was really nothing good about it - it was always sleazy guys and chancers, never anyone I was remotely interested in.
If I wanted to wear shorts or a nice dress I had to weigh up whether it would be worth the hassle of being whistled at by pillocks in white vans. I'm tall with long legs, so I always felt really conspicuous in anything summery.
At school I was quiet and bookish, so not one of the popular and pretty clique.
I have a nice life now, but its hard to say whether looks have played a part. I suppose it was easy to attract my now DH. But everything else...I've worked hard at my career, like everyone else. Worked hard on overcoming poor mental health. I've had a fair amount of bad stuff happen over the years.
So I wouldn't say I've had much "pretty privilege", or it doesn't feel like it anyway. Since becoming "invisible" I haven't noticed anyone treating me any worse, the only thing that's changed is I no longer get hassled by creeps, which is great.

I have seen it in action many times but no, I don't have it
Sadly, I am ugly as fuck. And fat.

@Lucyinthesky07

This was in 1984 when I was 9. We had a female teacher who was constantly talking about how "important" it was to be pretty. She would say "Rachel is a pretty child - the prettiest in the class". Another girl would ask "Am I pretty?" The teacher's answer would be a straight to the point, "No. You aren't". The crazy thing was, she had the class sitting in order of what she thought was prettiest with "Rachel" at the front and the ones she considered plain right at the back. She readily admitted this to us all. Funnily enough she didn't put the boys into categories. As I said it was 1984. Pre historic times.

Am stunned by this....

Really hope she was told off for this massively inappropriate professional behaviour.

@ballsdeep @Mellowyellow222 Not intended to be unpleasant. I was asking a question in response to the countless women who basically said in their replies that they used to be young/pretty/slim but are now old, fat and invisible. Obviously nobody can do anything about their age - but if people are fat and unhappy with it, why not do something about it? Or are we all supposed to assume just that being older means you have to stop making any kind of effort? The same would go for men, obviously - but the only people who commented on this thread were women. It seemed somehow sad that women who are probably at the very least reasonably attractive (because most people are, or can make a passable attempt at it) believe themselves to have somehow been given a one-way ticket to 'fat older womanhood'. But it doesn't have to be that way - unless they're happy with it, in which case it's nobody else's business. The women I mentioned, though, aren't happy with it.

I got an amazing job I didn't even apply for, many decades ago. It set me on the road to earning serious money. I was not remotely qualified to do this job, and hadn't expressed an interest in doing it. It happened from a Friday to the following Monday. I did have to work unbelievably hard for years after to learn all the stuff I should have known before taking the job, and would not have survived in that job if I had not become great at it because the competition was extreme. But just getting that leg up was definitely looks related. I wouldn't admit this in real life because I'm big on working your way up the ladder, equal opportunity etc. It's my dirty secret dating back to the 1980's.

I am beginning to think it may be a "thin" thing.

I have a BF now who I knew for years before I split with my ex and he split with his ex after me. We have been together a few months.

I was size 22 and he still maintains that I wasnt fat (for clarification...I am 5'5" so yes I was fat!) . Now I am a size 8 thanks to the divorce diet, a shit job and an eating disorder. He doesnt care what size I am but worries about my health.

However.... I have got a lot more attention from men (especially men much younger than me!) since I got thin. I dont know why as I look older due to the lack of fat under my skin so I can only assume its that a certain type of older man thinks "thin = beautiful"

Sorry that should be "younger men" not "older men"

I think I probably did but didn't feel it at the time. Anyway I'm over 60 now and more of a fading rose who could do with losing 2 stone. If only time could be turned back eh.

Nope. Always slightly overweight, acne and frizzy hair. I’ve always been the clever one though.

I’m coming up to 40. I’ve now got a good job which means I have good hair, good skin and good clothes (still a bit overweight).

However, while friends are lamenting getting old, “losing their looks” I’ve got no such issues. I never had it to begin with. I know I am where I am solely because of my brains and attitude and fortunately that doesn’t fade as you get older. I definitely feel more confident then I did in my 20s or 30s.

Ha ha - that is almost word for word what DP says about me! He also took pains to tell me that my eyes are green, not the colour of 'dirty pondwater and cow shit' - and on one amazingly lovely cheesy occasion, he recited Gerard Manley Hopkins' Pied Beauty at me because I have bazillions of freckles; I mentioned that my mother had phoned me up all excited one morning because she'd seen a TV programme about acid peels and I'd 'be able to get those awful things burned off your face and maybe your arms as well'.

Glory be to God for dappled things –
For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced – fold, fallow, and plough;
And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:
Praise him.

And no, he isn't prone to that kind of thing - his own description of himself is 'I'm a Dartmoor Lad, born and bred; strong in the arm, thick in the head'.

I think he counts as a keeper. Even when he does my head in...

I was a pretty child, a pretty teenager and a good looking woman , I still scrub up well. I must admit I learnt at a very early age that if you smiled and leaned your head to one side you usually got what you wanted. But my mother always told me it was no good being pretty if you weren’t nice inside . I have always been kind and if I could helped anyone who needed help. I think it’s more important to be a nice person then a pretty girl.

I was an ugly child with buck teeth and glasses and got bullied for my looks. I blossomed as a teen and I suppose I benefited from this privilege - so can see both sides I suppose.
I’m now in my 40s and looks fading / wrinkles etc but I’m still tall and slim which goes a long way. It’s the luck of the draw really and not fair.

I’m fairly basic looking nothing special. My sister is stunning , was a beautiful child too. I was well aware of how my Mum especially made a thing about it & she definitely got away with things!
Sadly she isn’t nice inside. Growing up she was the mean girl - bizarrely what she got away with as a child due to her looks become meaningless as she got older as she isn’t a nice person. Has struggled in relationships & now in her mid 40’s still strikingly beautiful is single.

I have a difficult relationship- she can’t understand why someone as ugly with my mad curly hair & I’m to damn lazy to put any makeup on has managed a long marriage and kids. She is quite jealous and has had a few tantrums over the years. We have a gentle LC relationship.

So while yes I do think pretty can bring limited privileges I do think you still have to be nice person to go with it.

@NeverDropYourMooncup that’s wonderful - my DH would never do this!

I have nice big eyes and bouffy hair but also a wonky nose and crowded teeth and a receding chin. Since lockdown, obv wearing a mask, with my imperfections covered I've had a taste for what it's like being seen as pretty. Doors opened for me, cars stopping to let me pass. I've caught men looking at me - not in a sleazy way - these things never ever happened before. 40 years of being ignored. Who knew. Makes me feel like getting some surgery tbh. Or just keep the mask on!