Pretty privilege - do you have it?

[BlueSparklesss]

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

@PesosBandage

I'm not particularly pretty. I'm fairly plain, and never wear make up, and barely do my hair, but I have a very "friendly" face. Kids are drawn to me, people ask me a lot of questions in the street (directions, the time, local recommendations etc (tourist town!))... and I think I honestly get some of the "pretty perks" just because my face is unusually friendly. It's the opposite of resting bitch face, which is ironic coz I can be thinking some pretty mean stuff behind my face..! If I try to pull a "neutral" or "unfriendly" face, I honestly look quite unattractive, so I think it's the friendliness look, rather than any natural beauty on my part.

But I do see how I am advantaged in some situations over my sister, who is similar looking but her face is less "friendly".

Oh, me too! I’m regular looking / definitely not “pretty” or striking, but I get TONNES of people smiling at me on the street, transport etc. I realised a while ago it’s because my resting face tends to be a smile (I mean, slight, not a crazy grin!!) - and people are responding. It’s lovely really and something that I wouldn’t want to change (although it does make me seem like a pushover in certain situations, and I think I’ve grown into that role a bit because of it… I need an alter ego 😉)

I get what you're saying but it isn't arrogant for people to say "I think I'm pretty", if that's what people believe - it's just a fact. Like "I think I'm clever" or "I think I'm good at xyz" - if those things are said out of the blue obviously they would sound arrogant! But even in a conversation specifically about looks, it's just interesting we feel like pricks if we say yes I think I look nice.

tbh I would still feel a bit of a dick if I came onto a clever thread or funny one & was like "I'm well clever" or "I'm hilarious" 😆. But take your point.

I stop the traffic. They all ask me for directions. Which is fun, because I don't know my left from my right!

Never been pretty, but I do have a light-the-room-up smile

I am pretty, but I’ve been bullied tons and most men have only wanted to sleep with me. I don’t think people have been nicer to me or that it’s brought me anything in life

I was amazed at the impact of adding a photo to my profile at work so it shows a tiny photo of my face when I send emails etc. I’ve definitely found people are more willing to help and I get quicker responses I don’t see myself as attractive but I’ve got long blond hair and blue eyes and the photo was a rare flattering one.

@whispamint

I also think if someone is truly beautiful facially that doesn't just disappear as you age. A few months ago I saw a women in her late 50s (I would guess) on a day out & she was gorgeous. One of my friends relatives is in her 70s & she has the most amazing cheekbones (like Kate Moss ones). I saw her at friends wedding & I noticed her out of everyone & commented to friend.

My Nan is nearly 90 and this resonates. She's absolutely beautiful.

that's lovely ☺️

I am told I am pretty. Or cute. Never beautiful. But I have also been a lot of different weights over the years and the way people treat you is absolutely different. It’s so easy to see when you are the same person inside and yet everyone changes towards you when you hit a more aesthetically pleasing weight.

I’m now at a good weight, and considered a good looking middle aged woman I think. I’ve been told I look like Jennifer Aniston a couple of times. I can feel the privilege dripping off me because I never had it when I was a size 20, and it just shows up the shallow people. It’s quite hard to deal with emotionally but obviously a first world problem, but I do miss the invisible days sometimes.

On similar lines to friendly face perks I have one relative who I've known from childhood to be outgoing and sweet natured in a really happy combination. Just wafts through life brings people together and is loved by all.
The rest of us are naturally more or less awkward buggers so it always stands out to me as a sort of wonder of the world.😂

@Mackmama

I was amazed at the impact of adding a photo to my profile at work so it shows a tiny photo of my face when I send emails etc. I’ve definitely found people are more willing to help and I get quicker responses I don’t see myself as attractive but I’ve got long blond hair and blue eyes and the photo was a rare flattering one.

I deliberately don't use a profile pic on anything because I inevitably get sleazy men messaging me

My sister has it, I don’t, though I like my face and feel happy in my skin.

From adolescence, people I’ve slept with have always been respectful and fun. And people she slept with (excepting her current partner) have without exception been physically abusive - we both think it’s happened when she’s turned out to be a whole person with flaws and opinions and a capacity to think for herself, rather than the nice accessory/status symbol/shag doll they’d hoped for based on her face. I’ll take the odd time I saw a boy’s face fall when I brought him home and he realised he’d picked the wrong sister for not being punched for thinking for myself any day.

This thread makes me feel so sad. I’ve always been unattractive. Now I’m fat, double chin, ugly. I don’t bother with hair, makeup, skincare as I don’t know how to do it and I feel that people will laugh at me for trying too hard and still looking horrendous.

In fact I remember my car breaking down and waiting ages for anyone to stop and help me when I was overweight.

My car broke down a few months back and I had people tripping over themselves to help me. Two men pushed it for about half a mile. I was grateful but I just thought back to when I was on the same road but 3 stone heavier and crying. This time I literally just stepped out of my car and there was help.

@whispamint

I get what you're saying but it isn't arrogant for people to say "I think I'm pretty", if that's what people believe - it's just a fact. Like "I think I'm clever" or "I think I'm good at xyz" - if those things are said out of the blue obviously they would sound arrogant! But even in a conversation specifically about looks, it's just interesting we feel like pricks if we say yes I think I look nice.

tbh I would still feel a bit of a dick if I came onto a clever thread or funny one & was like "I'm well clever" or "I'm hilarious" 😆. But take your point.

No but if someone said do you think you're clever and that it's helped you in your career? Or similar, snd you do think you're clever and it's helped you, then it's interesting we feel the need to add 'cringe' or 'I feel like a dick for saying this' or 'but I'm not xyz' as I don't think it's a cringe that men feel. That's all. And to prove my point - I now feel obliged to point out I don't think I'm all those things! I just feel a bit sad we are trained to see confidence or self worth as arrogance that's all. Obviously walking into a room and announcing your best qualities would make you a dick! Hopefully that makes sense!

I had a brief window in my early twenties when I wouldnt have said I was pretty or stunning or beautiful, but everything did come together in the sense that i was young and slim and in good shape, bottle blonde, good skin etc. Crucially I was also cheerful and as yet unburdened with life's stresses so was probably also fun to be around. I think those things meant I was reasonably attractive for a while, and it was a pleasant time in my life.

It definitely exists, though I think the privilege depends on the field you are in. I think I’m a bit like @PegasusReturns and I look sort of “right” for jobs I’ve applied for or making friends at school gates - I look “nice”, friendly, quite conventional, average or maybe very slightly above, but not so beautiful or sexy that people might be jealous or find me intimidating. I think this has probably made my life easier and both men and women seem to generally feel warm toward me. I never felt I got lots of male attention compared to my friends in my twenties, but I do notice getting less as I get older, and I too find it a bit depressing if I’m honest. I shouldn’t care but I’m not quite there yet.

I work with a girl who is stunning. Customers can be creepy to her (male) and cold to her (female). She is so lovely and I really feel for her

I had cute privilege. I’m 4’ 10 and look like a benign hobbit. I have an unusual face (definitely not a pretty face though) that is naturally friendly looking. I think im seen as nice to be around and non threatening. People talk to me and are kind to me. I didn’t get any privilege at work but colleagues and bosses were helpful and a bit protective. Now im in my 60s i think im now viewed as a cute old lady and get called love and sweetheart more and get helped with my case/bags a lot. I do feel I’ve not been taken seriously at times though over the years because of my size and I felt I had to prove myself more.

The truly pretty or beautiful people I’ve known in life have definitely been on the receiving end of pretty privilege. It’s quite remarkable to witness. Whereas I’ve had people be kind and helpful they’ve had drinks bought, tables found, upgrades on planes, taxis not charging, people going out of there way to accommodate them, letting them off if they’re late or not questioning them if they go off sick 3 consecutive fridays, free entrance into clubs etc.

Privilege is such the wrong word for it

Other humans are attracted and drawn to beauty, that’s all

@whispamint

that's lovely ☺️

I would say so, yes. I can objectively say I’m attractive. Am frequently told I’m the double of Stephanie Seymour of all people (nineties model). I guess I tend to get served faster in shops, bars, that kind of thing and strangers are generally lovely to me. Looking like this has undoubtedly made my life that bit more charmed I’d say. That said, I’ve gone through the same ups and downs as anyone else.

I get what you're saying but it isn't arrogant for people to say "I think I'm pretty

That’s why I said I am told I am pretty. I personally can only see my likeness to my uncle

@Piggy42

This thread makes me feel so sad. I’ve always been unattractive. Now I’m fat, double chin, ugly. I don’t bother with hair, makeup, skincare as I don’t know how to do it and I feel that people will laugh at me for trying too hard and still looking horrendous.

Hello! I am fat, I have a double chin, make up generally looks like I've fired a paint gun with various colours at myself and missed, I'm in my 40s and have never learned to do my hair nicely. I literally look like a nature project hair-wise most of the time.

I bet you're lovely in 800 ways from your hair to your toes and including your kindness.

@Isabellabasil

I would never say this in real life as it is obviously very vain. But as a youngster I was very pretty indeed and yes, it made a difference- people (men and women) were on the whole really nice to me, I had doors opened for me, I got favourable treatment but I didn't realise. People would turn their heads in the street occasionally and I always had lots of male attention.

Now I've had 3 kids and am fat and in my very late 30s and I've realised what it's like on the other side and how privileged/ well-treated I was.

Exactly the same here, except I’m mid 40s.

Yep! I've always said I'm sure I have 'big bum privilege' more than pretty privilege lol but the amount of times I've gone to buy something and been given things for free. The amount of times I've not had to pay to get let into somewhere or not have to pay to buy tickets. The list kind of goes on and quite a few of my friends experience the same thing. I just think men are quite pathetic when it comes to a pretty face/pretty face and big bum