Pretty privilege - do you have it?

[BlueSparklesss]

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

Yes and it's great. Although I didn't really realise it when I was younger, and felt quite insecure.

I'm older now and look back and see how it has made my life nicer. Even when people assumed I was stupid because I looked nice, it worked to my advantage because being under-estimated usually does.

There are so many different sorts of privilege though. You can be born clever, good looking, funny, into a rich family, talented at something.

None of it's fair.

Absolutely definitely yes there is pretty privilege!
I have a beautiful friend and the world just 'works' for her. I don't think she realises how much easier she has it. I feel like a mere mortal beside her.

As to getting fat when in 40s- surely it's menopause? Hormone changes that change how fat is on your body. So you've got to work hard to maintain your figure. Which most don't as life is too bloody busy.

And I had many female colleagues seem to hate me when in was in my 20s. I put it down to being younger and thinner.

But it does seem to be human nature to think a good looking person is 'good' when obviously looks have no bearing whatsoever on ones deeds.

I'm just thankful for YouTube videos showing me how to keep my make-up modern. I feel sorry that men don't have the same opportunity to improve themselves. Though of course they could. I saw in Reiss they had an entire line of makeup for men.

No. It's a privilege that people who have it are unaware of (mostly). They don't notice that they're ushered in to the priority lane everywhere they go.

I don't hate gorgeous women. That'd be stupid. Sometimes they intimidate me because they're aloof, sometimes they're trying hard to prove they're not aloof, sometimes they're just as friendly or not as the situation demands. It so depends.

Another one who was pretty when younger and yes I miss my pretty privilege!

Yes in my 20s, not now I'm older. I was given discounts in shops occasionally and a couple of times was sent free desserts in restaurants. I got upgraded to first class on a train once too because the manager said he thought I was pretty! Back then I didn't realise how weird it was. My mum was gorgeous in her 20s and told me she never used to pay on the bus.

@Cantstopthewaves

Average looking but I have noticed that when I wear more make-up, style my hair and wear smarter clothes I get treat a lot better by people in general.

Same here. I notice a big difference on how people treat me when I've got my make up and hair done.

The old saying is "you look like shit, you get treat like shit"

Never had it so ring miss it when it's gone.
My friend however, is lovely but has the most appalling CV. She always manages to get jobs that are 5K more than the last, despite walking out or not passing the probation from the job before. I love her, but her incredible looks must have something to do with it. She's got blonde hair, blue eyes, a great smile and gorgeous figure. I will just never get that kind of attention as I'm short, dark, rounded and broad.

I also think that the pretty privilege is to do with other factors, not being intimidating or looking too 'done up' it's about that natural, girl next door vibe.

I definitely had pretty privilege when I was younger. I didn't even realise it at the time, but looking back can see that I did. I'm know I'm still attractive (more so when I make an effort!) but it's youth along with good looks that's particularly intoxicating to people. Plus nowadays I really don't give a shit and therefore don't make much effort unless required. I notice that when I dress up (weddings, parties etc), people treat me very differently and it does give me a little confidence boost for a bit. I think I can see both sides of the coin, because I'm nothing special in my natural state but I do scrub up well with a little effort.

Yes. When I was younger, I was a cute, slim, friendly blonde. I backpacked alone many times, all across the world, and being seen as attractive definitely helped. Everyone was so nice and kind, and eager to help.

Now I'm nearly 50, and worn out with twin toddlers and work, and no time for me, so wouldn't class myself as attractive any longer (unless I make a huge effort, which is very rarely).

I don't know about 'pretty privilege', but I seem to inhabit a 'nice' world where people open doors, I get good service, people offer to assist me when needed, and things just all roll out nicely for me.

I am 44 and quite fat (always have been) and pretty average looking I would say.

But the universe just appears to like me. Luck just seems to tip in my favour.

Busy carpark? A spot will open up at the door. I need something that seems sold out, one will be left at the back. Toilet paper wars, well a week before it all kicked off I had signed up to Who Gives A Crap, without even thinking about it - an so on.

I was an ‘ugly’ teen ( though looking back wasn’t really. I had bad skin tall, bit awkward for my age and not much confidence so people called me ugly) but then had a glow up late teens early 20s. The change in the way I treated was eye opening, especially by former tormentors. I also didn’t trust a lot of the attention and couldn’t always handle it. I took compliments as sarcasm for ages as I couldn’t believe people were being genuine. I was also shocked how literally changing hair colour from mousey/dark blond to bright blond, and changing nothing else about me seemed to suddenly put me in the ‘hot’ category. It angered me yet I was always so worried to go back to being the ‘ugly’ girl so kept it for years. Makes me so sad I felt that way. I never stopped being self concious despite becoming more conventionally attractive so would check mirrors and sort my appearance alot. People probably thought I was vain but I wasn’t, just really self conscious and anxious.

I’m reasonably attractive now if I make the effort and dress flatteringly - I’m tall, fairly slim/in shape etc but rely more and more on hair highlights and eyebrows to keep me looking slightly above average or just average. After having a child I feel more invisible and getting more each year. I’ve stopped giving a damn now. 🤷‍♀️

The being hounded by men must be awful.

I am very average and when younger I wasn't relentlessly hounded but what happened more than once when I rejected somebody, he was outraged, because I was average! How dare I! I had a few nutters who decided to hate me because I had the nerve to reject them even though I was average.

@Claphands

I was quite pretty when younger and started having highlights, my hair was my crowning glory I think. A girl I used to know years ago had traffic stopping beautiful long hair but cut it all off because she said everyone wanted to know her because of her hair! She was right really.

For Anne Gregory 'Never shall a young man, Thrown into despair By those great honey-coloured Ramparts at your ear, Love you for yourself alone And not your yellow hair.'

'But I can get a hair-dye
And set such colour there,
Brown, or black, or carrot,
That young men in despair
May love me for myself alone
And not my yellow hair.'

'I heard an old religious man
But yesternight declare
That he had found a text to prove
That only God, my dear,
Could love you for yourself alone
And not your yellow hair.'

-- William Butler Yeats

I work in a female environment where most of the staff are well over 50. I used to be pretty when I was younger but ill health has taken its toll and now at 60 I look like a well used paper bag. Anyway, I have to say it truly doesn't bother me much normally but recently a very lovely young girl came to work with us - OMFG, well thank god she's a nice person because she could literally call every shot going - colleagues hang on her every word. I've worked here 25 years and some people still can't recall my name, but hers is on everyone's lips, all the time. She walks into the room and everyone starts twittering "here's LovelyYoungGirl here she is!" and then I walk in behind her - my boss will say to colleagues "Oh and here's Staples too!" and they all look a bit blank and go back to their desks!

I like her and she's great company but its interesting to see how people react to her. I see people watching her, hoping she'll sit next to them. I think it irritates her sometimes - fascinating to watch.

People at my teenage work places (colleagues and customers) were ruder and meaner to me before my ‘glow up’. Also, I mustve looked uglier with hair tied back as when colleagues seen me, they couldn’t believe the difference apparently and I got a lot of ‘you look so different’ with your hair down type comments. I’ve found people are less patient and ruder to you if they deem you less attractive. Occasionally, it could be argued pretty women get treated badly by other women due to their looks, and while this may happen I’ve seen it happen a lot less than the other way round.

@AllHailTheGreatGoddess

I don't know about 'pretty privilege', but I seem to inhabit a 'nice' world where people open doors, I get good service, people offer to assist me when needed, and things just all roll out nicely for me.

I am 44 and quite fat (always have been) and pretty average looking I would say.

But the universe just appears to like me. Luck just seems to tip in my favour.

Busy carpark? A spot will open up at the door. I need something that seems sold out, one will be left at the back. Toilet paper wars, well a week before it all kicked off I had signed up to Who Gives A Crap, without even thinking about it - an so on.

That's interesting @AllHailTheGreatGoddess - I don't believe in luck as such, to me its all chaos - anything could happen and frequently does - but I have met people like yourself who expect good things and who do seem to be "lucky". Do you think it stems from not having bad experiences as a child/young person? Do you have a "theory"?

@PackedintheUK

I was out with a woman who has "pretty privilege" at the weekend and it is certainly true people are different around her.

But actually she's not that pretty. She's slim and blonde (dyed) and her hair, make up and clothes are well done and young, but without them she'd be fairly ordinary. What she does have is bags of confidence and a permanent smile.

I know someone like this and she has blokes eating out of her hand and falling over themselves to help a damsel in - well, not distress, but simpering eyelash-fluttering help-me cutesyness.

Ugh.

No, I don't! I was bullied for my looks as a teen - everyone at school said I looked like a bloke and called me by a joke man's name for several years. I think this led to me believing I was actually less attractive than I am for a long time - I'm not pretty at all but not completely deformed as I once thought. I therefore never really learned to do hair or make up properly as I felt there was no point as it wouldn't improve anything - and now at 37 I still don't wear make up and can't be bothered with the extra time it would add to my mornings. I am often invisible, and mostly I'm ok with that.

But I'm also aware that I am white, middle class, tall, educated and have a neutral/posh accent, so that's a whole bundle of privileges anyway, even if I don't get bonus points for being pretty.

Its vicarious as well. I am fairly plain looking, therefore mainly invisible, however when i'm out with 24year old DD (who is very pretty and elegant) I really notice a difference. Shop assistants and waiters fall over themselves to offer to help both of us.

I know someone who is gorgeous to the point she gets so much hassle walking down the street. Her intelligence constantly gets underestimated. She is genuinely a really lovely person but does get treated differently in lots of aspects of life.

Nope, and I never did have. However that also meant I never got treated like a trophy rather than a person with wants and needs of my own, and given how THAT occasionally panned out for my prettier friends, I wouldn't swap.

My DD
The 28yr old that shoves her long curly hair up into a messy bun
No make up
Leggings and a sweatshirt
Nerdy glasses
She's always smiley and polite
Will talk to anyone
She's so not aware, it's quite interesting to watch
She has 'it', I have no idea what 'it' is though

I was never gorgeous, but I suppose I had a small amount of pretty privilege when I was young and had a good figure. Now I’m nearly 40 and overweight, I do feel invisible.

I live in a semi-rural area where complete strangers often smile at each other or say “hello” when passing in the lanes. If smile at a youngish man, he often seems embarrassed to smile back. I feel like saying “I’m not coming on to you, you daft sod”, but I don’t, of course.

I’m considered pretty. I find men will do things for me easily. DH always calls it the “damsel in distress” game. I’ve got discounts / things done for free because men will offer.

I’ve found women to be more hostile but in general have always had female friends over male friends. However, every male friend I have had (not many to be honest) has made a pass at some point and when rejected, very angry.

I don’t feel pretty though, I feel like everything is changing with age (mid/late twenties) and I am hugely self critical.

I'm not sure I have ever had the pleasure of being traffic stoppingly good looking, but I do scrub up very well when I get dressed up, which is a contrast to my usual scruffy/nerdy appearance. I am treated very differently when I'm dressed up "all girly and cute". Not just by men - women too.