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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Pretty privilege - do you have it?

427 replies

BlueSparklesss · 25/10/2021 19:36

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit Shock

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

OP posts:
XpressoMartini · 25/10/2021 21:08

I wasn’t a pretty child. I wasn’t ugly, but I was less pretty and less conventional looking than my friends. I was often dressed like a tomboy.
This thread has made me think, and I remember so many times when teachers were less nice to me, not believing my version of events and punishing me for something my (pretty) friend had done… I still remember this horrible feeling of unfairness. I was in primary school and had already understood good looks attracted kindness.

As a teenager and adult, I have become much more feminine. I am still tall and very slim. I look very young for my age with great skin, teeth… I can’t say if I am good looking or not but colleagues and friends (and DH Grin ) keep telling me how good looking I am. My career has taken a very positive turn and I can’t help thinking that my looks have been helpful (although I don’t take advantage of it and dress very professionally and conservatively). Strangers are always super nice to me, getting out of their way to help me. To be fair it helps that I am also very nice to people and treat everyone with a lot of respect.

I have good genes but in retrospect I think my very frustrating experience as a child probably explains why I have been taking care of myself as soon as I could be in charge, always ensuring I stay slim, feminine, well dressed…

TheFormerMrsPugwash · 25/10/2021 21:09

I was very pretty, and still am. I have used it to my advantage for as long as I can remember. I'm also quite happy for people to assume I'm thick because I'm pretty, so long as it's advantageous to me (i.e. means they will do stuff for me that I don't want to do). In fact I have a PhD, but keep it quiet.

The only problem with being pretty and taking full advantage of it is that ageing is harder (I'm 49). However, I still think I'm pretty spectacular for a middle-aged woman, and don't even wear make-up (never have done), never mind thinking of trying anything surgical.

I don't have any problem with women because I'm also smiley and friendly and don't pose a threat to them as I have my own lovely DP and very evidently have no interest in anyone else's.

hereforthechat · 25/10/2021 21:09

@Isabellabasil

I would never say this in real life as it is obviously very vain. But as a youngster I was very pretty indeed and yes, it made a difference- people (men and women) were on the whole really nice to me, I had doors opened for me, I got favourable treatment but I didn't realise. People would turn their heads in the street occasionally and I always had lots of male attention.

Now I've had 3 kids and am fat and in my very late 30s and I've realised what it's like on the other side and how privileged/ well-treated I was.

This 100%
afaloren · 25/10/2021 21:10

lol no I look like the back of a bus

Roussette · 25/10/2021 21:11

Definitely not pretty, (and I can say this now because I'm a grey haired woman in my 60s), but I was tall, slim, long legs, worked hard at making the best of what I had, and was always told I was sexy/oozed sex appeal.
I had an ordinary face but I played on what I had and I was continually chatted up and flattered, and there was always someone who wanted to date me. Which in turn gave me confidence so I came across as fun.

Now I am totally and utterly invisible as a woman with grey hair in her 60s often is. Don't care because I still think I've got 'it' when I really really haven't!

maddiemookins16mum · 25/10/2021 21:11

I was never pretty, just plain. It made a huge difference when roles were given out for the moths in The Insect Play, 4th year 1978, Oxford Girls High School. Not that I’m bitter.

FluentlyExasperatedMadam · 25/10/2021 21:12

I wish I wasn't the 'pretty girl' growing up because then maybe certain fuckwits wouldn't have used me as a sexual object.

mellicauli · 25/10/2021 21:12

I remember going for lunches at work with my ex model friend. Oh how jolly the world looked to her - so many lovely comments and smiles for her everywhere she want. But also the disgusting perv on the train and the horrible salesman groping her at the Christmas party.

As someone said above, there's a privilege and a tax in beauty.

Mellowyellow222 · 25/10/2021 21:13

I am really unattractive. It doesn’t bother me now - but it really spoiled my teen years. It was especially tough when I started work in my twenties. Looking back my mum made it worse by
Giving me really bad fashion advice and telling me all the men Would be giggling about my big boobs.

People think they can be unpleasant simply based on looks. Even my own family were cruel behind my back (aunts but also
My mum), but within hearing distance.

It has impacted my self confidence even as an adult - I am always apologising for my existence.

I have been lucky professionally, I am smart and have a good job, big salary, nice house and lifestyle. Single because of my looks.

It is a very sexist world and ugly women get a much harder time than ugly men.

MrsEricBana · 25/10/2021 21:14

From the OP:

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

I do agree that people who are regarded as better looking absolutely do get viewed more positively, get better treatment etc and I witness this daily amongst my grown up kids' peer group, in partic an extremely good looking lad who is regarded as "better" but who, while lovely, is no nicer, kinder, funnier brighter than anyone else. What I do not understand - and I'm not being inflammatory - is what "patriarchal norms" have to do with it as surely it applies to more and less good looking people, dogs etc.

MsWalterMitty · 25/10/2021 21:15

@Holly60

As someone who used to be a ‘pretty girl’ when I was younger, it definitely exists. You don’t realise when it’s happening though, you just think everyone is really nice and kind. It’s hard when it starts to go. I’m not an unattractive older women, but I think you have to be young to properly benefit from it.
This
merrymelody · 25/10/2021 21:16

I only realised it once it was gone! Well, almost gone. Middle age isn't pretty.

StealingYourWiFi · 25/10/2021 21:18

I’m not the best looking but I have pretty eyes and a nice smile. I’m a friendly, outgoing, warm person. In my career (healthcare) I deal with notoriously ‘difficult’ surgeons all day. I’m told they will be difficult to work with, hard to please, rude etc before I work with them but I have never experienced that when I’ve worked directly with them. I have seen them behave that way towards others though. I had this today in a new working environment, 4 comments on my eyes then worked with 2 surgeons who were won over easily. I like to think I am just a friendly person though!!

Roussette · 25/10/2021 21:18

I do finding it depressing when women over 40 describe themselves as invisible, I'm assuming they mainly mean that they don't get the male attention they did when younger?

To me... it is illustrated by this...
Me and girlfriend on holiday together a couple of years ago. Both in our 60s but look pretty OK for our age.
We're abroad, went to a bar on the beach for a cocktail. All good. Place started filling up with the beautiful people, much younger than us.
Time to pay our bill and go as we wanted to eat. Could we find anyone to pay ... no. Went to the till, stood there like a couple of lemons trying to speak to the numerous staff and pay, and we were literally invisible.. it wasn't because it was too busy, it was because we didn't really feature with the young trendy bar staff. Nearly walked out.

That to me is invisble, nothing to do with attracting male attention

MumofSpud · 25/10/2021 21:19

I used to work with someone who used to tell me if the (many) occasions when men would literally get out their cars in traffic to speak to her / pay her bills in restaurants/ send over drinks to her in bars etc
Except.... she wasn't pretty at all just a regular looking woman Smile

forensicfleabag · 25/10/2021 21:19

When I started my current job many moons ago, another (younger, prettier) lady started the same time.
I know for a fact that i got better results from her in appraisal type situations and work based assessments, we were equally happy and popular in the workplace, but inequality of how we were treated was crazy. We both make a very similar mistake- the response to her was "oops!! Do it this way now and no problem!"
The response to me, "well that's seriously not good enough blah blah blah!"
Others noticed it too. It wasn't just the boss, most people just jumped through hoops to help her out, whereas I was very much left to it.
After a while we we're on a work trip together and I told her my observations. We laughed about it - I don't blame her, but deep down inside it grated on me too!!

Neolara · 25/10/2021 21:19

I was an unattractive teenager in a school that was mainly boys with a few girls in the 6th form. I discovered that everything I'd been brought up to believe was important (being clever, being sporty, being kind) was pretty much irrelevant. The most important thing by far for the girls was how attractive they were. It was not a happy two years. It still makes me cross.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2021 21:20

I’d not have considered it when I was younger, but I have stated before, I am considered pretty in real life, to the extent I am commented on it by strangers, on my face, even now at 52 I still get it, but I’d not admit in real life is that I am relatively successful in my career in a male dominated environment, and I always credit it to hard work and riding the crest of a wave, getting lucky, but sometimes recently I have a creeping suspicion that potentially my looks may have given me opportunities.

Even thinking it bothers me, because I wish to think it’s solely about ability, and I know one hundred percent that’s a huge part of it, but I suspect deep down as I get older and wiser there may be more to it.

On the flip side, yes I always have had and still get male attention, most women are wonderful to me but I have endured many women who have made it very clear that they hate me on sight.

I told the story of years ago on holiday, walking through the resort with my husband and daughter on the way to dinner, I was wearing a basic monsoon cami, and a knee length a line skirt, totally normal holiday attire, nothing revealing, bit dull really, I was late thirties. I walked past a woman and her husband, who I’d never seen before, and she eyed me up and down and said loudly whilst staring at me, and said with a sneer “ that woman’s dressed far too young for her age” .

The three of us just stared shocked and kept walking, I glanced at her husband and he looked mortified, but little horrible comments I’ve had like that all my life.

The vast majority of women are lovely though and I’ve had many compliments, mainly from women. Men tend me be sleazier. But yeah, there are some women who are unpleasant, and many more men who are.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 25/10/2021 21:23

@FluentlyExasperatedMadam

I wish I wasn't the 'pretty girl' growing up because then maybe certain fuckwits wouldn't have used me as a sexual object.
Sadly I don't think that's true. As a not very attractive girl I was also used as a sexual object.
GalaxyPostcard · 25/10/2021 21:23

Yes. I was very pretty and slim as a teenager and got more positive attention. Now I'm older and fat it's basically the opposite. I do wonder if it's more of a thin privilege thing though - when I was anorexic and at my lowest weight, I was treated very well by everyone around me Sad

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 21:26

I had a solid five years of this when I was in my twenties. I went from awkward to a head turner but I know it was sadly due to anorexia (I looked athletic rather than sick I think) and very poor mental health.

I exuded confidence to compensate for how shit I felt and felt empowered when I was able to use the 'pretty privilege' (cringe saying that about myself) after years of being the geeky best friend / invisible.

The more ill I was, the greater number of arseholes chatted me up I noticed. Something in them sensing that I was actually vulnerable I think.

I'm average now I guess. Slimmish and scrub up OK. I'm a 'type' so if someone likes that type they really like me, but if I'm not their type they wouldn't look twice I suspect.

It's really triggering to look back at photos of me during that time as I really did look naturally wow (before I got too ill) and I sort of know I'm still capable of looking that way but only if I was ill again and I really hate myself for being sad that I don't anymore. It's shallow and immature of me. And I'm with someone amazing who doesn't give a shit if I gain weight as long as I'm happy - he finds the old pictures of me quite upsetting because he can see how ill and sad I was inside.

I don't let it control me all. But sometimes, it is sad to have had something and lost it. I never feel able acknowledge that in real life.

Cameleongirl · 25/10/2021 21:28

@Roussette. You should’ve walked out without paying, it’s their problem if they can’t be arsed to take people’s money!

Aside from that experience, I hope you’re enjoying being older, I certainly am.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 21:28

Isn't it telling how conditioned we all are to cringe and apologise for saying we are or were pretty? Female socialisation within the patriarchy is so toxic isn't it!

MrsWentworth · 25/10/2021 21:28

Slight tangent, but in response to many of these responses: why do so many women let themselves get fat when they get older? It isn't compulsory!

whispamint · 25/10/2021 21:29

@GalaxyPostcard I also worked in high end fashion, one of my colleagues had a serious ED.

Often I would see women look at her admiringly as modelled an item & they really approved of her suggestions. It was quite disturbing.

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