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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Pretty privilege - do you have it?

427 replies

BlueSparklesss · 25/10/2021 19:36

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit Shock

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

OP posts:
gannett · 25/10/2021 23:25

It's interesting the number of posters who were pretty and were treated nicely and just thought that was par for the course, that it was because other people were inherently nice.

I was a speccy teenager who had no idea how to make herself look like anything (plus being mixed-race meant I didn't look like anyone anyway).

Then I realised what sex appeal was and what I had, and had a few too many years where men either fetishised me or were repulsed by me and seemingly little in between. I found I could act as though I had pretty privilege but inside I only thought about the people who thought me ugly or invisible. It didn't feel like special treatment because I encountered both extremes all the time.

Now it's different, I act like I'm hot shit not because I have any pretty privilege (never gonna be white or blonde and that's what pretty is to the people who decide what privilege is) but because I actually feel like that inside and out. And I don't really know how the switch flipped but when I try to work it out the answer is some combination of career/life achievements and physical fitness.

Mother87 · 25/10/2021 23:27

Definitely a thing...And hasn't diminished hugely with age - am fat/almost 60 but mixed-race, possibly more 'noticeable/slightly exotic' than anything else a but it always seemed to 'help' in certain areas and most definitely not in othersHmm

AllHailTheGreatGoddess · 25/10/2021 23:46

No theory, StaplesCorner, I too embrace the chaos of the universe and figure what is going to happen is probably going to happen regardless of my actions.

I did have a good childhood where nothing actually bad really happened. Loving parents, nice home, good schools - the stuff that everyone should have.

Met and married my husband really early, we have been together 25 years and solid and in love. Kids came along when planned, all healthy and well.

Dunno, but if there is an upgrade to be had on a flight, I will get it. If there is a free bottle of wine going, it will come to me. Restaurant full?
No worries, they will squeeze us in.

I was made redundant in 2019, given a good payout, and landed a new very safe/flexible job just before the world went sideways, meaning that we could just ride things out.

I don't think it is anything I am doing, and I certainly don't deserve anything anymore than anyone else. But things just always seem to go my way. I don't rely on my luck for anything that matters.

I occassionally think the 'other shoe has to drop' sometime, but hey, I can't do anything about that either, so no point worrying!

sleepingrabbits · 25/10/2021 23:49

I wasn't pretty until about 15, but I think it depends on the situation whether it is a privilege . In job interviews and work I have found it quite difficult to be taken seriously. I am also very tall which other women and shorter men find indicating. Luckily age and two non sleeping babies later I don't have this problem anymore 😂

Cattenberg · 25/10/2021 23:51

I once worked with a tall, beautiful, blond 18-year-old who smiled a lot and charmed everyone. Let’s call her Willow. There were builders working on the plot at the back of our office and they tended to be hostile to my colleagues when they wanted to park there. But not to Willow. She could park wherever she wanted.

Until the day the middle-aged building manager made a flirty comment to Willow and she (verbally) slapped him down in front of his men. Pretty privilege withdrawn!

Also, Willow had the tedium of every man under the sun trying to chat to her at length and flirt with her, including men older than her Dad. I’m glad that was a rare occurrence for me.

RobertaFirmino · 25/10/2021 23:57

I wasn't ever a 'stunna' but not ugly either. Just average looking. I'm tall and thin though so have had 'slim privilege' throughout life.

Not that I'd call being pretty or slim a privilege exactly. Not when I read some of the dreadful things people post on here. There was a thread last week, a woman was feeling bad about herself compared to another school gate mum who she considered to be flawlessly beautiful. Cue the posts claiming that she must be a right cow/vain as anything/has a shitty life etc. Then there's all the talk of size 8 women who obviously only eat lettuce leaves and spew them back up. Absolutely rotten!

TableFlowerss · 26/10/2021 00:17

I wonder about this with one of my DC’s she’s very pretty, always has been. She’s just taken first place in a sports competition and I put a few photos of her on my social media account.

There were lots of well done etc but a lot of the comments described her appearance (she’s a teenager) ‘such a beautiful girl’, ‘she should be a model’, and a couple of posters actually wrote ‘she’s so stunning’

Yes they are nice comments, but she wasn’t in a beauty pageant dressed up etc she was in a t-shirt and leggins. I counted 14 different remarks about her looks.

On the one hand I think if it’s beneficial to her then great but equally I think the emphasis placed on looks can be so brutal. She’s also very bright so I just hope she uses her brains more than relying on her appearance

StillMedusa · 26/10/2021 00:28

Never pretty, but tall slim with a good figure so 'scrub up well' ..not that I bothered very often. I believe I have a cheerful face though, in my 50s as I find people chat to me easily.
However I produced two daughters (and two sons) and it has been interesting watching them hit maturity.
DD1... tall , slim like me, built like a ballet dancer,,think Darcy Bussell, long blond flowing hair. and a classy 'preppy' look. free drinks everywhere! However she's gay .. doesn't fit the stereotype and had years of men convinced she wouldn't be gay any more if they just bought her a drink... (she's been happily married to her wife for a few years now...Grin
DD2.. petite slim 'cute' blonde with waist length spiral curls and huge boobs. Dyed and eventually cut her hair at university. Later told me that she hadn't felt safe walking anywhere alone since she was 13 because of the harrassment she got from men Sad I think at times she was protected and babied because she was small and pretty, but as she is a feisty intelligent, competent woman.. she hated it.

Luckily she met her husband who adores her for her brain, her abilities ,her fantastic mothering to their little baby..not just her looks!
She once actually broke the nose of someone in a nightclub.. he repeatedly groped her and wouldn't take no for an answer and she was scared and eventually punched him (she is the least aggressive person ever) . The nightclub threw HIM out, and looked after her. She was very upset...all because she's pretty...

CatAndHisKit · 26/10/2021 00:39

@AdelindSchade

I've a friend who was, still is very pretty and I tend to think it has been more of a curse for her. She's had a lot of bother with men. It affects who she trusts and I think she is anxious at the same time about losing her looks. I think it's better to just be average!
I so agree with this! Attention from men doesn't mean much if it leads to being used for someone's ego, or at best passion from men that fires up fast and then inevitaly fades, mostly.

I was very pretty im my 20s-early 30s and had a lot of 'wrong' attention from men, even though a few good genuine ones with LTR potential, but unfortunately most nice men felt less confident - instead you get a lot of attention from shallow / cocky men or older men who want a trophy on their arm. None of these care about you as a person, if it's not you it's the next very pretty girl.

Yes, a few may fall in love but again, there is an element of their head being turned, so they idolise you then it's painful to watch the passion fade when real life kicks - everyone has a bad hair day, off-colour / unwell, or they suddenly don;t like your personality! it was there in the first place but they were oh so blinded by the looks and chemistry!

Socially there is some priveledge, you get better service in shops etc (not better than a ricj but plain person though, haha) but it's superficial. I think it's best to be average/nice-looking but not head turning, and have a lot less attention but instead genuine interest - especially when young and not an amazing judge of character/motivatons.

Also if you are v.pretty, it's painful to age and go crashing to earth. you may not realise when young, that you need alot more life skills when life is less easy with age.

I see a lot more mutual caring in couples who are not good-looking, but kind, loyal people. Also in many fields women on highest roles aer not 'pretty' but they get a lot more respect for their intellect and men don't get distracted from that by sexual interest.

IHateFlies · 26/10/2021 01:14

I wasn’t that attractive when I was a young teen but seemed to blossom around 18. I suddenly started getting a lot of attention from men and was really confused and suspicious about it. When I didn’t respond how they thought I should, I used to get called a stuck up bitch and other names. It was awful.
In my 20’s I started getting a bit more confident, smiled back more and people became very friendly and nice. I used to get free drinks in places, get invited to parties by random strangers, I got every job I interviewed for and was even told once that it was because I was the best looking candidate, so that was nice Hmm
One of my oldest friends has always been stunningly good looking but it’s been hard for her. She’s such a lovely person but found it hard to make female friends and was harassed constantly by men. It was a bit of a curse for her.

Newmumatlast · 26/10/2021 01:16

Definitely. Young, slim, considered very attractive I'm told. Now older but look young however have gained alot of weight and so the privilege has significantly reduced however still a little bit there I guess as I'm not ugly facially. Downside was that people never took me seriously and I got bullied alot. Also mistreated by men who wanted the looks and not my brain. I think I'm happier a bit more average actually.

Newmumatlast · 26/10/2021 01:20

@TableFlowerss

I wonder about this with one of my DC’s she’s very pretty, always has been. She’s just taken first place in a sports competition and I put a few photos of her on my social media account.

There were lots of well done etc but a lot of the comments described her appearance (she’s a teenager) ‘such a beautiful girl’, ‘she should be a model’, and a couple of posters actually wrote ‘she’s so stunning’

Yes they are nice comments, but she wasn’t in a beauty pageant dressed up etc she was in a t-shirt and leggins. I counted 14 different remarks about her looks.

On the one hand I think if it’s beneficial to her then great but equally I think the emphasis placed on looks can be so brutal. She’s also very bright so I just hope she uses her brains more than relying on her appearance

I also have this worry. My child has been bought sweets in shops, given gifts etc. I've refused things but its constant comments about being pretty and beautiful etc. I counter it as much as I can with praise about capabilities and am keen to encourage my child to be strong willed and vocal to be able to stand up for herself. I am concerned she could be underestimated academically if she stays conventionally pretty.
MilkywayMonarch22 · 26/10/2021 01:27

Yes when I was younger and slimmer. From about 13 onwards I would get a lot of lovely attention which I thought was just nice people and a lot of gross unwanted attention from men too.

Faded a lot since I gained one DD and 2 stone! I still notice it when I make an effort though.

Sadly I always thought I was the ugly sister, younger Dsis is gorgeous - taller and slimmer than me and v v confident. I was always pretty too but more attention paid to my academic ability even though dsis was just as capable. She was a madam at school though so that didn't help 😅 whereas I was quiet.

Strangely, I was always told by women how pretty/gorgeous I was but not often by men my own age. Older men yes (often inappropriate). I am considered uniquely pretty probably more striking, whereas Dsis is universally gorgeous and has a gift of the gab attitude to boot.

I do miss some of the attention now (purely for the ego boost on days when I feel low although not sure it's healthy to feel like that and more a symptom with a societal obsession with youth and women being visually worthy), could make more of an effort but too tired, and wish I'd not been so anxious and self conscious as a younger woman!

It's a conflicted feeling though as I see some women, who I find so incredibly sexy/gorgeous just because of their attitude. Plus for me, if you've got a lovely personality/confidence you can 100% see if shining out of a person and that makes you gravitate to them!

Shasha17 · 26/10/2021 01:33

My goodness. We really do need to feel guilty about everything these days!

Ledition · 26/10/2021 01:45

It absolutely is a thing. I remember the first time i became aware of it in fact. I was 15 and I had just had blonde highlights put in my hair and my makeup done for a cousins wedding. I walked into a cafe to get some lunch beforehand and couldn't fathom why everyone was staring! I literally abandoned the queue and went to the bathroom to see if there was anything on my face! I was a typical self-depreciating teens before then and couldn't wrap my head around why everyone was being so nice and attentive to me! Creepy now to think about it as I was a VERY young looking 15.

Looks carries you through many of life's obstacles and I'm pretty (no pun intended!) certain it's the reason I was successful in a couple of jobs I wasn't really qualified for and definitely sure (dueto my creepy supervisor) it's the reason I won my PhD scholarship - which was actually very disheartening when it dawned on me the reason why I was picked.

I was also painfully aware of its disappearance following the birth of my second child when I piled on 2.5 stone - overnight it vanished and I felt completely and utterly invisible. The world is a seriously shallow place. What I hated most about this is was the way I was relieved when my DC were pretty. I put zero emphasis on it to them and always praise effort and admirable character traits such as bravery, kindness etc. but deep down I'm relieved they'll have an aesthetic advantage in life as I've seen how it carried me through. Sad but true.

Maddison12 · 26/10/2021 01:58

@MrsWentworth

Slight tangent, but in response to many of these responses: why do so many women let themselves get fat when they get older? It isn't compulsory!
I was thinking this, I've read a lot of "now I'm old and fat" as if the two go hand in hand Confused

Also far too many people saying "I used to be but now I'm 40..." One of my best friends is 44 and she's gorgeous. She's had a few kids but she runs every day, has an amazing body (much better than mine and I'm a lot younger.) She's very confident and is always getting male (and female) attention. People certainly aren't past it when they're 40 Hmm

Cameleongirl · 26/10/2021 02:10

I agree, @Maddison12. I’m late 40’s and many of my friends (late 40’s-mid-50’s) are gorgeous and in good shape. We don’t automatically turn into frumps the moment we hit 40!

008NoTimeToDiet · 26/10/2021 02:52

I had it from the age of 16, and still do to a lesser extent 30 years later.

I was pretty and unusual-looking, white-passing for the most part but with an exotic heritage that people couldn't quite place (Anglo-Indian ancestry, combining traces of Indian, Malaysian, Russian, French, Portuguese among others, according to my DNA whatsit), which added to my enigma, in a very white, middle-class Surrey town. Meaning I also spoke a little bit plummy, but then I also had a very minor speech impediment which only served to endear me to people all the more.

I am taller than average, but not super tall, and lucky with long, lean, limbs – I was exceptionally sporty as a child, and think this really helped my physique.

I was raised by an overly strict religious mother and zero effort was made by her in the presentation department, except to swamp me in frumpy, unflattering clothes that hid my figure. I also was not exposed to teenage looks magazines, and never gave any consideration to my looks or presentation. As such, I developed a cracking personality; I was witty, charming, and personable. Sweet, a little bit sassy, and friendly. I was also very unassuming, and didn't know looks were important or that I had 'it', until I'd also developed a personality not based on just being pretty and not having to make conversation.

By 16/17, though, I was at college and exposed to life outside my mother's strictness and the convent school. Finally had a Saturday job and could buy clothes and makeup. Suddenly I blossomed into myself, started to dress more flatteringly, (32DD chest on my slender, sporty frame was a boon too), and was hugely popular. Both with the boys, and the girls. I was very girl-next-door, fun, sweet, unassuming, but two years of regular praise, doors opening, free things, really boosted my confidence. I was regularly told I had an aura about me, and people were drawn to me. Importantly, I was never arrogant about it, and was always super-nice to people.

I'm lucky to have high cheekbones, great skin, great teeth. Pure luck. I do have crap hair though, it does nothing, hairdressers can't ever do anything with it, but I mostly keep it in a messy bun and it's fine.

Re privilege, yes. I got jobs offered to me (at uni, or on holiday, got offered bar work, front of house at nightclubs, dancer), without even looking for work. A couple of the boutique clothes shops would heavily discount their clothes for me, without me ever asking, because they knew I'd be noticed at the clubs.

Out of uni, I do think it gave me an advantage at interviews (along with my posh-but-not-too-posh accent), yes.
I got into clubs free throughout my twenties and early thirties (I stopped clubbing once I had my first child mid-thirties), got pulled from the queues and sent in to VIP areas in various clubs, drinks sent over (was always tee-total though, but my friends enjoyed the perks). Occasionally got gifted random things from independent shops, or given stuff at Camden Market for free/big discount.

At mid- to late-forties now, my cheekbones are still serving me well, I'm lucky with my skin (never had a skin routine, and I never wore foundation), I eat well (no meat, no dairy), I don't drink alcohol, never smoked. It's served me well. I'm a bit heavier than I was, but still within the healthy range for my height. I've been put of action for much of the year due to injury, meaning I've just not been as active, but I'm working on getting back to my pre-baby weight. I think I actually look better than I did in my twenties, and am told by my friends that I'm still gorgeous. I don't get free stuff though, but then I don't really go out out like I used to.

I do know that I have lucky genes (my mother is 78, but looks 50s; high cheekbones and fantastic skin).

I have a son and a daughter (11, 6), both way above average in looks, and I notice how people look at them compared to plainer children. People stare at them, often. I am regularly told how beautiful they both are.
It is a privilege I hope they accept graciously. I do feel very lucky, in this department. It's not fair, at all, but others may be smarter, or better at sports, or whatever, much of which are natural gifts we don't always have to work at.

That was long, and I'd never say any of it to anyone in real life, it's just not even a thing, not a topic of conversation I've ever had.

I certainly have hardships to deal with too though, it's absolutely not been all plain-sailing.

sjxoxo · 26/10/2021 04:46

Yes… and since being pregnant I have found freedom from men’s behaviour. It’s a bit liberating tbh. At work especially although I still have one male colleague who is inappropriate. As a teenager I felt hideous- I was more podgy then and hated myself for it. i wouldn’t say this irl but I have largely given up with making new female friends until now as I find (some) women very unfriendly & judgemental. I have some close friends but honestly I have found most women to be unfriendly & competitive since about 14 years old. Enjoying being pregnant.. for lots of reasons but including feeling like I have a big badge that says ‘unavailable’ 🙃 xo

SquarePeggyLeggy · 26/10/2021 04:52

I had it, but only recently realised I did now it’s gone at 41! People are less friendly and helpful towards me recently and I thought the world might be changing, people ground down by Covid stress etc. but I’ve gained weight and have massively aged in the last twelve months, and have had to sudden realisation that this is what it is!
I was a bit of an ugly duckling as a younger teen, but definitely felt it in my twenties. I didn’t realise it at the time and wish I had appreciated it!!!

SquarePeggyLeggy · 26/10/2021 05:03

Oh and I was bullied terribly in senior high school and told I was ugly, which I believed, because multiple girls said it to me. I had zero self confidence about my appearance or anything about myself, I internalised the bullying and it affected my life for years.
I recently came across photos of my school leaver’s ball - I was REALLY pretty and had a great figure. With the benefit of hindsight, they told me I was ugly BECAUSE I WAS VERY MUCH NOT and they were jealous.
So it’s not all privileges. I agree with a PP, you don’t realise it at the time, you just think the general public is nice and helpful. And then it stops!

fournonblondes · 26/10/2021 07:33

I was a pretty young woman. It definitely opened doors but I was hated by most women.

shylatte · 26/10/2021 07:43

Haven't RTFT so don't know if it's been mentioned but for me the teacher's pet in primary school was always a very pretty blonde hair, blue eyed girl. She wasn't academic or sporty, or a particularly nice person - it was purely her looks. She got so many privileges in school, was allowed to bypass punishments, won awards at the end of primary school that she really didn't deserve. This child could have murdered someone in broad daylight and it would never be her fault. Thirty years on, she's nice looking but nothing special at all!

Conversely I had very ginger hair as a child and male teachers used to pick on me because of it. Older (women) teachers loved it and it would always make me stand out to them, they would comment on it in corridors etc but men teachers (and boy pupils) definitely didn't like it and made my life a misery at times.

FuzzyPuffling · 26/10/2021 07:48

I'm bog plain. My sister was a model. I saw the difference.

flippertyop · 26/10/2021 07:50

Definitely. For the most part I've never had an issue with women but now and again one takes a dislike to me. In my 20s I had a lot of privilege due to my looks. Late 40s now and I look good for my age but I'm still older and so the attention has waned somewhat.