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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I wrong to touch her child?

446 replies

WhatDoYouDo1234 · 25/10/2021 19:08

At a famous London attraction today with my 4 year old. She was playing on one of the interactive exhibits. There was a long queue behind us. Another little girl about 3 kept running up and putting her hands on what my daughter was doing. Think an interactive drawing, so each time she touched it the screen cleared and my daughter’s drawing was lost. There was no parent anywhere near. First time I said gently “No, it’s not your turn, it’s this girl’s turn, you have to wait.” Or something to that effect. By the fifth or sixth time my daughter was getting increasingly cross, no matter how much I told her to be patient and try again, or how I tried to ask the other little girl to stop, and the kids behind us were getting cross too. I’m trying to prevent my daughter from loosing her cool. So I actually removed the girl’s hands and gently lifted her back saying “It’s not your turn. You have to wait.” A mum then came storming up shouting at me “Not to effing touch my child again!” To which I said something like “Well maybe if you were watching her you could have sorted it.” So my question is not if I was unreasonable, I probably was, but what do you do in that situation? With hindsight I’m thinking I should have called out for someone to come and get their child? But it was all quite quick! What would you do?!

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 27/10/2021 21:43

@Blueink

I’m back OP to say glad ur not losing sleep but please don’t remove any more children’s hands!! Running off laughing can be a reaction some children have, hopefully it did mean she was ok. You don’t necessarily understand “how kids work” just because you have two. Some children react to being touched, even by their parent. You could make it your job to teach kindness, tolerance, flexibility even compromise, versus all about getting what I want, what I paid for and getting anyone in the way out of the way.
Dear lord.
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 27/10/2021 22:03

I have no issue with the removing of her hand

I'm pretty sure that's frowned upon and taking it a tad too far.
Let's make sure body parts stay intact, shall we?

Blueink · 27/10/2021 23:02

Erm, I’m not the one who “removed the child’s hands” (which despite hindsight, OP said she would do again), nor the stranger who picked up and moved a toddler, over a 4 year old’s picture…but I’m the one being dramatic?!
As others have said, putting hands on a child is appropriate to prevent an accident, for example stopping a young child walking into a busy road.
I’m worried how many of you think this type of physical reaction by an annoyed parent is justifiable.

Porcupineintherough · 27/10/2021 23:08

Yes you are being completely bonkers. What's weird is your insistence that the OP trample all over her dd's feelings (in the name of kindness and tolerance Hmm) rather the risk upsetting the feelings of some random kid.

Caplin · 27/10/2021 23:10

After the fifth time of her wrecking and activity I would probably have blocked or steered the kid away. Or loudly demanded to know where her mum was as she was spoiling the activities for other kids. I have no issue publicly shaming someone who is being fecking selfish and a useless parent.

Blueink · 27/10/2021 23:16

Porcupine ur making stuff up and calling me bonkers for it - where have I said anything about trampling over OP’s DD’s feelings?
Don’t touch kids you don’t know without a serious reason to. This isn’t one.
“Some random kid”, nice.

HeadPain · 27/10/2021 23:52

Shout out to find their parent/guardian , if that doesn't work get a staff member for lost child. Failing all that, just move on to something else

IntermittentParps · 28/10/2021 09:12

Blueink, you should probably give it a rest now.

Blueink · 28/10/2021 10:22

You too Parps, thanks

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/10/2021 10:50

@Blueink

Erm, I’m not the one who “removed the child’s hands” (which despite hindsight, OP said she would do again), nor the stranger who picked up and moved a toddler, over a 4 year old’s picture…but I’m the one being dramatic?! As others have said, putting hands on a child is appropriate to prevent an accident, for example stopping a young child walking into a busy road. I’m worried how many of you think this type of physical reaction by an annoyed parent is justifiable.
There was zero wrong with op removing the child's hand after the 6th time she'd destroyed her daughter's drawing ffs.
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 28/10/2021 11:04

@Porcupineintherough

Yes you are being completely bonkers. What's weird is your insistence that the OP trample all over her dd's feelings (in the name of kindness and tolerance Hmm) rather the risk upsetting the feelings of some random kid.
Absolutely agree.

As parents our number 1 job is to protect our own children first.
And that other parent wasn't vigilant enough to do so - she allowed a situation when someone else had to make a parenting decision to de-escalate.a problem.

OP was polite & patient. I think I would've had a much shorter fuse

IntermittentParps · 28/10/2021 11:19

There was zero wrong with op removing the child's hand after the 6th time she'd destroyed her daughter's drawing ffs.
Yes, quite.

TirednWorried · 28/10/2021 15:10

But she didn't just move the child's hand.which might have been ok. She says she lifted the child up and bodily moved her back in the line.

WhatDoYouDo1234 · 28/10/2021 15:35

I didn't move her back in the line @TirednWorried. I did lift her but it was so slight, barely off the ground and about five inches back so she was just out of the way of the screen. Not excusing the lifting! But it really wasn't high or far!

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/10/2021 16:25

@TirednWorried

But she didn't just move the child's hand.which might have been ok. She says she lifted the child up and bodily moved her back in the line.
Still fine. Even if it was 5ft in my opinion. The kids mother was in the wrong not op
user1490954378 · 28/10/2021 18:03

I haven't read all the replies, but just picking up (no pun intended OP!) on something I've just seen about 'moving the child's hand', I don't think that would have worked either, as the parent would have no doubt started rattling on about their child being 'hit.' My own thought on what happened is that I probably wouldn't have lifted someone else's child, but under the circumstances, I don't blame you at all for doing so. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and sure, if it ever happened.again you could call out and ask for the parent. Maybe though, if the parent concerned finds themselves in the same situation again, perhaps they will step in and take some responsibility for their child, instead of allowing them to spoil another child's turn. I think the parent's reaction here was probably because the moment you moved their child, they most likely felt embarrassed at the fact it was their child, and that they hadn't done anything about their child up till then. The focus then inevitably turns to them as the parent, and it is embarrassing for them to be the parent doing nothing about their unruly child. So they reacted by having a go at you, to turn that focus away from them. I've seen it happen so many times. I think it comes from just not knowing how to parent too, a lot of the time. I remember a good few years ago, a mother apologising to me after her son was told off by the group leader at the toddlers group, for kicking my little girl under the table deliberately. I hadn't seen it, because of where we were all stood, and the angle I was at, but the group leader had, and the mum from where she was stood could see exactly what was happening too, the group leader confirmed this too) but the mum chose to ignore the situation - that is, until the group leader told off her little boy, and only then did the mum take notice, but she was visibly miffed that someone had told him off, and actually blanked me afterwards when I tried to make conversation with her. I overheard her a few days later telling one of the other mothers how her son found it hard to mix with the other children, etc. At the end 9f the day, they were toddlers and they were learning. My little girl was struggling too, and learning as she was going along, but she wasn't kicking someone on purpose under the table, and if the situation had been reversed, I certainly would have removed her from the situation, told her to stop and explained why.
So yeah, maybe next time you would handle it a little bit differently, but in the wider picture, no one can really blame you for what happened, and let's hope it at least taught the mother of the child that she needs to step up in future, rather than ignoring what is happening and then getting upset when someone quite rightly isn't tolerating it.

user1490954378 · 28/10/2021 18:05

To clarify, the mum apologised to me days later, the same day I overheard her.

lazystar · 28/10/2021 18:33

@Blueink
Thankyou for your contribution.
You cannot argue with many of these people as they are following a 'Traditional Parenting' style which is old fashioned and deals with punishment and punitive techniques to control children- and apparently other people's children now.
They are not raising children so much as controlling them.
I come from a Traditional Parenting background but I am trying very hard and have taken many many courses for Therapeutic Parenting, trauma, PACE theory and trying to leave the old fashioned Parenting behind.
Thankyou for trying to reason with people.

Blueink · 28/10/2021 18:34

I keep being quoted.
A few pages back, I suggested asking the child where their mother was. I wouldn’t have let the situation go on more than once let alone 6 times. Instead the OP allowed her frustration to build, finally physically moving the child’s hands, lifting her up, moving her. There are many actions that could have been taken without getting hands on as a stranger.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/10/2021 18:38

[quote lazystar]@Blueink
Thankyou for your contribution.
You cannot argue with many of these people as they are following a 'Traditional Parenting' style which is old fashioned and deals with punishment and punitive techniques to control children- and apparently other people's children now.
They are not raising children so much as controlling them.
I come from a Traditional Parenting background but I am trying very hard and have taken many many courses for Therapeutic Parenting, trauma, PACE theory and trying to leave the old fashioned Parenting behind.
Thankyou for trying to reason with people.[/quote]
Moving a child's hand away after 6 warnings is old fashioned 😂🤣 I'm happy to be old fashioned then.

Noni123 · 28/10/2021 19:17

I'm with you these modern fangled ideas of letting the children bring themselves up-Breaking news :they can't they do not yet have the tools . This is NOT controlling parenting it is guiding & doing a proper job of parenting
Sadly we are facing a generation of completely selfish individuals that want so they take aided & abetted by stupid & lazy parents that expect others to put up with their children's behavior-this can only get worse

Noni123 · 28/10/2021 19:29

[quote lazystar]@Blueink
Thankyou for your contribution.
You cannot argue with many of these people as they are following a 'Traditional Parenting' style which is old fashioned and deals with punishment and punitive techniques to control children- and apparently other people's children now.
They are not raising children so much as controlling them.
I come from a Traditional Parenting background but I am trying very hard and have taken many many courses for Therapeutic Parenting, trauma, PACE theory and trying to leave the old fashioned Parenting behind.
Thankyou for trying to reason with people.[/quote]
Taking many courses!!! Saints preserve us what is wrong with people. Children need loving & caring parents that are prepared to invest the endless time required to raise & guide (not control) them to adapt into a civilised society . This also means setting examples & that includes not allowing stupid selfish people to walk all over you. Your children your problem very simple & if you are hell bent on making a pigs ear of it dont expect others to put up with your child's nonsense. Sometimes SOME of the old ways really are the best.

Inastatus · 28/10/2021 19:30

[quote lazystar]@Blueink
Thankyou for your contribution.
You cannot argue with many of these people as they are following a 'Traditional Parenting' style which is old fashioned and deals with punishment and punitive techniques to control children- and apparently other people's children now.
They are not raising children so much as controlling them.
I come from a Traditional Parenting background but I am trying very hard and have taken many many courses for Therapeutic Parenting, trauma, PACE theory and trying to leave the old fashioned Parenting behind.
Thankyou for trying to reason with people.[/quote]
🤣🤣🤣 FFS get a grip! The OP wasn’t punishing the child or using punitive methods. Tell us oh wise one, how should the OP have reasoned with the 3 year olds hellbent on doing something she shouldn’t have been??

IntermittentParps · 28/10/2021 19:37

@Noni123

I'm with you these modern fangled ideas of letting the children bring themselves up-Breaking news :they can't they do not yet have the tools . This is NOT controlling parenting it is guiding & doing a proper job of parenting Sadly we are facing a generation of completely selfish individuals that want so they take aided & abetted by stupid & lazy parents that expect others to put up with their children's behavior-this can only get worse
Hear hear. God help us all if people are really going on these 'courses' that lazy is Grin
lazystar · 28/10/2021 19:54

@Noni123

I'm a Foster parent.
Hence having been on a lot of parenting courses.

May I remind you the child is only 3 years old.