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Original poster

Is it possible to ever meet a guy that doesn't watch porn?

375 replies

Quirkyme · 25/10/2021 14:21

Good afternoon,

I'm a happily single woman in my late twenties, open to a relationship whenever the time comes.
I'm not a porn watcher, and for reasons I'm sure many of us know, I find porn damaging and detrimental... and therefore would prefer to be with someone who doesn't watch porn.

Because a lot of, if not most, men watch porn, it's normalised as being something women, and society in general, should accept as normal because it's common, which I don't agree with.

My ex also had a porn addiction, and also couldn't perform during sex, which obviously did not provide a great environment or atmosphere for us when having sex. I also do feel that he was closeted due to certain things he said, and I do feel that he was watching a lot of cck heavy porn. He had sexual issues in general, and also had not cm since his first time having sex 10 years ago, which I attribute to him ferociously w*nking off and watching porn. He was not forthcoming about any of this either. He also wanted me to do things (obviously from what he watched in porn) that I communicated that I felt were degrading, and then he used to stop pleasuring me, or say that he would only do certain things - going down on me, if he could do the degrading thing which I had openly communicated that I'm not comfortable with. This is obviously not okay. He would also make comments about my vag (because it couldn't take a pounding for excessive amounts of time) and just about me in bed in general, when funnily enough he couldn't even have sex properly due to his own issues. So yeah.

I had my views about porn, before this relationship, but my experience with this guy has obviously not helped, and only strengthened my view of it, and I guess I am in some ways affected by this. This relationship ended about 8 months ago.
And now I just have concerns about men watching porn, the content of what their wanting, and all sorts of 'hidden' things they get off to in their bedrooms with no self-control, and I do not want that.

Of course, if I meet someone who watches porn, I cannot necessarily make them not watch it if they do, my ex before that also watched porn and whilst he did not have the same issues at all as my most recent ex, he had immature views about sex and also was selfish sexually.

Is it possible to meet a guy who does not watch porn, and has a healthy sexual appetite, and understands the negative and detrimental effects and damage that porn causes? Because it seems that women (who do not want to) have to just normalise this, and get on with this, and that's not something I want or agree with.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
TacoTues · 26/10/2021 08:20

My DH doesn't watch it.

But I think that's due in part to us being together since we were teenagers. He watched it when we met. But now we've been together for 20 years and have quite a lot of sex. So neither of us watch porn.

I'm sure if he was single he would though and I recon I would too. So I think it's situational in a lot of ways down to sex drive and frequency.

authenticforgery · 26/10/2021 08:22

@BettyBag

On the odd occasion this discussion comes up in real life I never tell people DH doesn't watch it as people act like I am a fool for believing him. Its so pathetic, I do not have a perfect marriage and my DH isn't the perfect husband. So many women seem to believe that it's perfectly normal for their husbands to lie and hide the naughty thing they have been doing. It's the same mentality as women hiding the price of clothes and make up. It baffles me that people would enter and stay in marriages like this.
Erm yeah...I was exactly the same until I was laughing while reading a thread just like this and said to DH "they're all insistent every man watches it. You don't do you?!" And because he is too honest he blushed and admitted it 🙄 Men are just gross. Some of them hide it better than others.
Elleextra · 26/10/2021 08:24

No... Not all men are gross

Mine is lovely

He doesn't watch porn, he doesn't lie to me

Sorry

BettyBag · 26/10/2021 08:28

@authenticforgery

He's so honest he lied to you?

Thanks for the lesson on men. I've been married 20 years and have adult sons but I'm glad your here to school me Hmm

BettyBag · 26/10/2021 08:29

*You're

BettyBag · 26/10/2021 08:34

@Elleextra

So fucking depressing isn't it.

My husband also doesn't lie to me and doesn't watch porn. Which is another reason I hate this discussion, it inevitably ends up with you looking like you think your DH is perfect for meeting the bear minimum standard of an adult relationship.

TheVampiresWife · 26/10/2021 08:41

Yet another MN thread where posters simply cannot accept that their own experiences are not the same as everyone else's.

fedupofthesamest · 26/10/2021 08:42

I watch porn to masturbate to sometimes. Some men watch and some women watch porn. Not something ppl own up to watching a lot of the time. So wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Would only bother me if he preferred to watch porn over being intimate with me.

authenticforgery · 26/10/2021 08:42

😄 whatever makes you feel good.
I'm glad I listened to people on here. I felt like a mug.

miximitoes · 26/10/2021 08:43

Good luck OP. I think there are men that don't but as people say... like a golden cow really!

I started to type out a long reply with additional details but not sure it would have been helpful- more ventful! Let's say I have experienced men who (absolutely) didn't, some who (absolutely) did... and most who said they didn't (probably because of my views rather than that I forbid it), but I don't believe them for a minute. Some because I found the evidence (wasn't looking, and it was the worst kind you could possibly even imagine), and some just because of everything written so far.

Most men will lie in the face of a radical feminist... because they love them, want an easy life and to them a bit of secret porn is no big deal. I think some will have shame and feelings of disconnect (so they should too for lying, I'd say for the porn too... but obviously some women and men don't agree and I respect that). Point is, you're likely to end up with a liar mostly. Not sure how you deal with this fact. I grapple with this myself (amongst other similar issues I'm facing in terms of "men" and their behaviour and language related to women). It is difficult in our society. Just awful how normalised it is. I do think however that things may be changing? Seeing some glimpses of questioning by more men and women?

authenticforgery · 26/10/2021 08:44

[quote BettyBag]@authenticforgery

He's so honest he lied to you?

Thanks for the lesson on men. I've been married 20 years and have adult sons but I'm glad your here to school me Hmm[/quote]
Also, he didn't like to me. That's the point. He was one of the "lovely" ones. I thought he didn't watch rancid videos of potentially trafficked and raped women. When I asked him, he told the truth 🤷‍♀️ I felt like a dick for thinking I had a "lovely" man.

BettyBag · 26/10/2021 08:46

@authenticforgery

Well that's totally different to me. My DH says he doesn't.

BettyBag · 26/10/2021 08:47

@authenticforgery

And he's not lovely for not watching porn. He's lovely in lots of ways and a complete twat in others. Like most humans.

AlbertBridge · 26/10/2021 08:50

I'm sure most men watch porn. But most men don't ask their partner to do degrading stuff, or not climax for a decade. I'd leave this guy to work out his issues alone while I looked for someone nicer.

Next!

Ostryga · 26/10/2021 08:55

I only know one guy for sure that doesn’t watch porn.

I watch porn, but only gay porn because women faking pleasure is a massive turn off for me. Hot men coming? Yes please!

5zeds · 26/10/2021 09:30

Obviously people who watch porn themselves think it’s fine and so can’t imagine why other people wouldn’t. They presumably think that’s the norm and that the “my dp doesn’t” wives on this thread are abnormally repressed and forcing their dps behaviour underground.
If you don’t watch porn and never would, then you probably think it’s the wrong thing to do and if your husband says he doesn’t do it find that utterly unremarkable because you don’t either.

It’s a bit like saying you and your dp don’t shoplift and then being told “everyone does”.

TheVampiresWife · 26/10/2021 09:39

Obviously people who watch porn themselves think it’s fine and so can’t imagine why other people wouldn’t. They presumably think that’s the norm and that the “my dp doesn’t” wives on this thread are abnormally repressed and forcing their dps behaviour underground.

Yes, you do get that impression, don't you.

One of the things DH and I always agreed on was that porn wasn't for either of us. Not everyone (male or female) has a want or need for it. Some people find the questionable aspects of it a massive turn off. When you've got a good imagination, a good relationship and are definitely not 'abnormally repressed', you find there's no need or place for it anyway.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 26/10/2021 09:47

I think my partner watches a bit of porn. It genuinely doesn’t bother me at all. Our sex life is excellent so whatever he’s doing isn’t affecting us so up to him

GalesThisMorning · 26/10/2021 09:49

@5zeds

Obviously people who watch porn themselves think it’s fine and so can’t imagine why other people wouldn’t. They presumably think that’s the norm and that the “my dp doesn’t” wives on this thread are abnormally repressed and forcing their dps behaviour underground. If you don’t watch porn and never would, then you probably think it’s the wrong thing to do and if your husband says he doesn’t do it find that utterly unremarkable because you don’t either.

It’s a bit like saying you and your dp don’t shoplift and then being told “everyone does”.

I agree. I would also be interested in knowing the ages of women who insist "every man watches porn" vs the women who shrug their shoulders and say, my husband doesn't.

My husband is pushing 50. Porn is not a thing for him. He bought playboy magazines etc when he was a young man, but modern mainstream porn with it's violence and aggression doesn't interest him. He wasn't raised in the culture that men 20 years younger than him are in and doesn't see it as normal. Whereas maybe for younger men and women it is so completely normalised that it would be unimaginable for anyone not to watch it. I find that really sad.

Rewis · 26/10/2021 09:50

Is it possible to meet a guy who does not watch porn, and has a healthy sexual appetite, and understands the negative and detrimental effects and damage that porn causes?

Of course men who don't watch porn exist but you are asking more than just not watching porn.

My bf does not watch porn. I assumed he did (I do) and we chatted about it and he said that he has stopped. It's not due to ethical issues. Due to medication hia erection doesn't last if he was to masturbate and have sex. He'd rather have sex wirh me than masturbate.

TacoTues · 26/10/2021 09:51

@5zeds @TheVampiresWife

Absolutely. I've been on discussions like this before and treated like I'm some blind idiot when I say my DH doesn't.

We are very open. And when he did I knew he did. He and his friends would openly talk about what they'd watched. I never asked him to stop or reacted negatively.

The older he got and the more he learned about the industry he didn't find it a turn on. And since we've lived together he hasn't watched it. He has videos of me/us which he will watch the rare occasion I'm away if he wants to. But 99% of them time I'm about in the flesh and willing so not much need.

Same with that he rarely masturbates. MN also refuse to believe that. If he does want to he will generally tell me as he'd rather I was there as knows I'll get involved, same the other way around.

But again this just seems to make MNers angry and accuse me of being blind to what "all men are like"

PamsSpam · 26/10/2021 09:51

but I got one of the good ones

I hate this rhetoric going on on this thread, that because your husband claims he doesn’t watch porn he is some how superior to everyone else. Your husband isn’t better than other peoples because, as far as you aware, he doesn’t watch porn. He might not. But he might stare at women on the train, or his male colleagues backside. One person isn’t all hallowed because they don’t get off on videos of other people having sex.

TheVampiresWife · 26/10/2021 09:58

My husband is pushing 50. Porn is not a thing for him. He bought playboy magazines etc when he was a young man, but modern mainstream porn with it's violence and aggression doesn't interest him. He wasn't raised in the culture that men 20 years younger than him are in and doesn't see it as normal. Whereas maybe for younger men and women it is so completely normalised that it would be unimaginable for anyone not to watch it. I find that really sad.

DH is in his 30s and from what he tells me about men he knows of his own age (and the way I've heard them talk) it definitely seems as if he's the odd one out!

I hate this rhetoric going on on this thread, that because your husband claims he doesn’t watch porn he is some how superior to everyone else

I don't think this at all. But I do admit that I would think less of him if he watched porn, from an ethical standpoint. I know he'd think less of me if I did, for the same reasons. That's what happens when two people who have similar stances on stuff get married.

PamsSpam · 26/10/2021 10:14

@TheVampiresWife I understand that, I’m just referring to a few women who seem to be suggesting that their husbands are ‘better’ because they don’t watch porn. I’ve never really had the chat with my husband about the ethics of porn, I’d be interested to hear his views. I think sadly a lot of people who watch porn don’t consider that and think that the women are always enjoying it. One thing that used to put me off porn was the fact that you can often hear how fake some of the women are. It’s so unsexy.

Elleextra · 26/10/2021 10:30

[quote PamsSpam]@TheVampiresWife I understand that, I’m just referring to a few women who seem to be suggesting that their husbands are ‘better’ because they don’t watch porn. I’ve never really had the chat with my husband about the ethics of porn, I’d be interested to hear his views. I think sadly a lot of people who watch porn don’t consider that and think that the women are always enjoying it. One thing that used to put me off porn was the fact that you can often hear how fake some of the women are. It’s so unsexy.[/quote]
I'm just saying he's better for me

I couldn't be with a man who regularly consumes porn

What other people do is none of my business

And to all the people insisting that all men use porn, you're just plain wrong