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Original poster

Is it possible to ever meet a guy that doesn't watch porn?

375 replies

Quirkyme · 25/10/2021 14:21

Good afternoon,

I'm a happily single woman in my late twenties, open to a relationship whenever the time comes.
I'm not a porn watcher, and for reasons I'm sure many of us know, I find porn damaging and detrimental... and therefore would prefer to be with someone who doesn't watch porn.

Because a lot of, if not most, men watch porn, it's normalised as being something women, and society in general, should accept as normal because it's common, which I don't agree with.

My ex also had a porn addiction, and also couldn't perform during sex, which obviously did not provide a great environment or atmosphere for us when having sex. I also do feel that he was closeted due to certain things he said, and I do feel that he was watching a lot of cck heavy porn. He had sexual issues in general, and also had not cm since his first time having sex 10 years ago, which I attribute to him ferociously w*nking off and watching porn. He was not forthcoming about any of this either. He also wanted me to do things (obviously from what he watched in porn) that I communicated that I felt were degrading, and then he used to stop pleasuring me, or say that he would only do certain things - going down on me, if he could do the degrading thing which I had openly communicated that I'm not comfortable with. This is obviously not okay. He would also make comments about my vag (because it couldn't take a pounding for excessive amounts of time) and just about me in bed in general, when funnily enough he couldn't even have sex properly due to his own issues. So yeah.

I had my views about porn, before this relationship, but my experience with this guy has obviously not helped, and only strengthened my view of it, and I guess I am in some ways affected by this. This relationship ended about 8 months ago.
And now I just have concerns about men watching porn, the content of what their wanting, and all sorts of 'hidden' things they get off to in their bedrooms with no self-control, and I do not want that.

Of course, if I meet someone who watches porn, I cannot necessarily make them not watch it if they do, my ex before that also watched porn and whilst he did not have the same issues at all as my most recent ex, he had immature views about sex and also was selfish sexually.

Is it possible to meet a guy who does not watch porn, and has a healthy sexual appetite, and understands the negative and detrimental effects and damage that porn causes? Because it seems that women (who do not want to) have to just normalise this, and get on with this, and that's not something I want or agree with.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
LastSummerHere · 26/10/2021 06:54

@Welshiefluff

Raise your standards luv

Wow, talk about prude.

Just because a man watches porn makes him low. How close minded can you get.

Of course it does. Every man who watches it is low. The industry is despicable....even producers of pornography have said what is produced now should be illegal, it is so horrific. The men who watch it are watching women being degraded, assaulted, insulted and dominated, and they like it. There is NO WAY a man can become aroused watching this treatment of women for entertainment and be a good man. And he certainly would never be someone I would share my home with.

TheVampiresWife · 26/10/2021 07:02

@Uncurtailed

There are 2 types of men, those who watch porn and those who lie about not watching it.
Nope.

Having lived with men who do, and men who do and denied it, I know that DH doesn't. There are so many little tells.

Plus there's the fact that DH has no access to it.

Offmyfence · 26/10/2021 07:11

@Dillydollydingdong

Mine doesn't, but you can't have him. He's mine.
Envy
Offmyfence · 26/10/2021 07:13

@TheVampiresWife how is it that your DH has no access to it? And why?

Are you saying you've got restrictions on your internet? Is this to stop him having access?

BonnyEm · 26/10/2021 07:13

LastSummerHere. Did you know there are hundreds of porn categories? Many that don't degrade, assault, insult or dominate
women.
Some categories don't even include women.

BettyBag · 26/10/2021 07:17

My DH doesn't watch porn. When I met him at the turn of the century I didn't believe him. I was a lib fem then and thought porn was empowering for women (vom). Being a cosmo reader I naturally wanted to "spice things up" by watching it together. He agreed and it was only then I realised he actually really didn't like it.

My DH is not a feminist ally, he doesn't have any views on the wider industry or deep held moral objections to porn. He just thinks its naff and childish, something teenagers do.

My son who is in his 20s lives with us. I made a joke recently about catching him watching naughty videos. He laughed and said he wasn't 14 anymore, I didn't enter into a discussion with him but his mirth seemed genuine. Maybe DH has passed on the idea that porn is childish or maybe its a wider held view among some men?

Of note is both DH and DS also think the Internet is stupid. I think there is a link.

holibobs12 · 26/10/2021 07:23

Of course it does. Every man who watches it is low. The industry is despicable....even producers of pornography have said what is produced now should be illegal, it is so horrific. The men who watch it are watching women being degraded, assaulted, insulted and dominated, and they like it. There is NO WAY a man can become aroused watching this treatment of women for entertainment and be a good man. And he certainly would never be someone I would share my home with.

Maybe your husband should subscribe to only fans. That way he can be more ethically conscious.

BettyBag · 26/10/2021 07:26

People who are asking how somebody's husband doesn't have access to porn. My DH also doesn't, or rather he doesn't have access to it without me knowing.

Some people aren't tech savvy. It might be hard to imagine if your DH is tech savvy but it's true. My DH can't access 18+ content on his phone cos of something to do with his settings, he has never been arsed finding out how to fix it. We have a tablet knocking about for the whole family use that he never touches and then there are two desktop PCs used exclusively by me and my younger son. DH doesn't know the passwords, not because they are hidden from him. He doesn't know them in the same way I don't know his car reg (I don't drive) it's just not relevant to him, he doesn't care. I suppose he could buy dirty magazines and hide them...

Offmyfence · 26/10/2021 07:30

@BettyBag

People who are asking how somebody's husband doesn't have access to porn. My DH also doesn't, or rather he doesn't have access to it without me knowing.

Some people aren't tech savvy. It might be hard to imagine if your DH is tech savvy but it's true. My DH can't access 18+ content on his phone cos of something to do with his settings, he has never been arsed finding out how to fix it. We have a tablet knocking about for the whole family use that he never touches and then there are two desktop PCs used exclusively by me and my younger son. DH doesn't know the passwords, not because they are hidden from him. He doesn't know them in the same way I don't know his car reg (I don't drive) it's just not relevant to him, he doesn't care. I suppose he could buy dirty magazines and hide them...

Ok if he can't be arsed to find out how to access 18+ stuff, that's up to him.

But if another person on a relationship changes the settings so they know their partner can't access 18+ stuff, then in my opinion, that's totally controlling.

If the only way you can stop a person from accessing porn, is to put restrictions on them, then why bother? If they don't respect your opinion, then either agree to disagree or end the relationship. Don't treat them like a child.

CreamPantsuit · 26/10/2021 07:30

I've never seen mine do it but that doesn't mean he never does. I watch porn every few weeks and I'd never tell him that so he might be the same.

Offmyfence · 26/10/2021 07:30

@BettyBag

People who are asking how somebody's husband doesn't have access to porn. My DH also doesn't, or rather he doesn't have access to it without me knowing.

Some people aren't tech savvy. It might be hard to imagine if your DH is tech savvy but it's true. My DH can't access 18+ content on his phone cos of something to do with his settings, he has never been arsed finding out how to fix it. We have a tablet knocking about for the whole family use that he never touches and then there are two desktop PCs used exclusively by me and my younger son. DH doesn't know the passwords, not because they are hidden from him. He doesn't know them in the same way I don't know his car reg (I don't drive) it's just not relevant to him, he doesn't care. I suppose he could buy dirty magazines and hide them...

How would you know if he changed his phone settings to allow over 18 options?
LastSummerHere · 26/10/2021 07:33

@BonnyEm

LastSummerHere. Did you know there are hundreds of porn categories? Many that don't degrade, assault, insult or dominate women. Some categories don't even include women.

People who watch pornography, whatever 'type' it is, are still contributing to our pornified culture where women are demeaned and seen as less than human. Pornography has been described as 'the destruction of the woman'. Why would any decent person ever want to be part of that, even in the smallest way?

Justify it all you like but I will never see it as anything but damaging.

anon12345678901 · 26/10/2021 07:38

All the men I've met have watched it but then I do too so it doesn't bother me. I'm sure there are men out there who don't, keep looking OP, hopefully you find one

BettyBag · 26/10/2021 07:41

@offmyfence

Firstly because it would lmoat certainly be me doing it. I do all technical things I set up his phone when he got it (he had a Nokia for years). No I didn't set a restriction on it, it was a default thing. If by some miracle he did it himself he'd likely tell me in conversation. Also it's not uncommon for me to use his phone if its closer.

He's my husband not my son. I don't actually care if he accesses porn. Or I do but not enough to fall out or argue. He does lots of things I would rather he didn't (and vice versa). This would be in the same category as the stupid sports tops he buys. I dislike the ethical implications of it but ultimately its his choice.

Houseofvelour · 26/10/2021 07:46

I think it depends on the amount that they watch.
I had an ex that watched ridiculous amounts and it massively effected our relationship.

My husband watches it occasionally (not often) as do I and we have a really good and really healthy sex life and he has nothing but total respect for me and my body.

BettyBag · 26/10/2021 07:49

@Offmyfence

We have been together for over 20 years. I have only had a negative view of porn for maybe the last 7 years. He is very pleased that his long held position of porn being stupid is now scoring him brownie points.

TheVampiresWife · 26/10/2021 07:53

[quote Offmyfence]@TheVampiresWife how is it that your DH has no access to it? And why?

Are you saying you've got restrictions on your internet? Is this to stop him having access? [/quote]
As I said upthread, he doesn't have a phone or a computer (apart from his work one, which only accesses his work systems).

He has absolutely zero interest in anything techy and only carries a brick-type payg phone with no internet access when he absolutely has to, and he hates doing even that. Since he started wfh last March he hasn't even done that.

There's no restrictions on the house internet, but he doesn't use it anyway (apart from for work).

BettyBag · 26/10/2021 07:56

@thevampireswife

Your DH and mine would get on well. My DH now has a smart phone and types on it with his index finger.

He got wattsapp at my suggestion and was fucking livid when he realised anybody could add him to chats without his consent and deleted it Grin

LastSummerHere · 26/10/2021 07:58

@TheVampiresWife it's crazy that you are expected to explain every little thing about your husband's tech habits to people.Confused Why are so many women desperate to believe that every man has to be watching pornography?

ImInStealthMode · 26/10/2021 07:59

There are some men that don't watch it (or so I've heard), but there are plenty who watch a little porn but manage to have perfectly healthy and adult attitudes to sex.

I'm sorry you've had these prior experiences OP. My Ex-H was like your Ex, driven by it, addicted to it, demanding things I wasn't prepared to do, the only difference was that he didn't have the performance issues (sadly Hmm).

I've since met someone who uses porn to a much much lesser degree (I know he has in the past, not sure if he has while we've been together) and he couldn't be more respectful, loving and generous in bed.

If you want to stick it out for someone who doesn't ever use porn then that's fair enough, but having it as an absolute dealbreaker could mean you rule out someone otherwise fantastic for you x

TheVampiresWife · 26/10/2021 07:59

[quote BettyBag]@thevampireswife

Your DH and mine would get on well. My DH now has a smart phone and types on it with his index finger.

He got wattsapp at my suggestion and was fucking livid when he realised anybody could add him to chats without his consent and deleted it Grin[/quote]
They would be best buddies (but I don't know how they'd stay in touch Grin)

TheVampiresWife · 26/10/2021 08:02

[quote LastSummerHere]@TheVampiresWife it's crazy that you are expected to explain every little thing about your husband's tech habits to people.Confused Why are so many women desperate to believe that every man has to be watching pornography? [/quote]
Bonkers, isn't it.

Apart from the fact that DH hates tech, he also hates porn. He thinks it's degrading for all involved and not even slightly a turn on. Not sure why it's so hard for some people to understand why some men feel this way, just as some women do.

GoIntoTheLight · 26/10/2021 08:09

“Why are so many women desperate to believe that every man has to be watching pornography?“

This.

Ledition · 26/10/2021 08:12

It's possible but it's probably rare to find one. I've had only one partner who didn't watch it while we were in a relationship. I was very "cool girl" about it then so wouldn't have cared but he much preferred the real deal and we had a very active sex life so to him there was simply no need. I'm not sure if we had married/had children and stopped having sex so frequently if that would have lasted but he was a really nice guy and the most honest man I've ever been with, so if I had said I didn't want him to watch it he would have respected that. They do exist OP but since you're only in your twenties I imagine most guys your age were raised on a diet of youporn so I send you luck weeding out the non-corrupted ones!

BettyBag · 26/10/2021 08:14

On the odd occasion this discussion comes up in real life I never tell people DH doesn't watch it as people act like I am a fool for believing him. Its so pathetic, I do not have a perfect marriage and my DH isn't the perfect husband.
So many women seem to believe that it's perfectly normal for their husbands to lie and hide the naughty thing they have been doing. It's the same mentality as women hiding the price of clothes and make up. It baffles me that people would enter and stay in marriages like this.