I can’t get past DH wanting no more children

[Notquiteoneanddone]

NC and being a bit vague just as someone I know is on here and I’ve discussed this with her, hope that’s okay. Not really an AIBU but please help me give my head a wobble, I’m feeling very fragile about this.

I always wanted 4 DC and before DH and I got married we discussed this plus other fairly heavy subjects (such as finances, disciplining children, religion etc) as we wanted to be on the same page. I remember saying if 4 was too much then I’d be happy as long as we had 2.

I agreed to move away from family to a new city 3 hours away from my home town to move in with him - I was happy to do this and don’t feel any resentment about this but I think in my head I romanticised the far distant future in our own house in a lovely neighbourhood with a couple of kids. We now are between 25-30 years old (sorry bit vague) and have DD 15months who is the light of our lives. He is the absolute best dad ever, he loves her so much and is great with her. When she was about 5-6m old he sat me down and told me he didn’t think he wanted another one, I was floored, really shocked and he said he didn’t know he’d feel like this but now she was here that’s how he felt. He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her. Honestly no concrete reason just he didn’t want to. At that time I told him I needed a straight answer he can’t just say I don’t know and leave me hoping. we agreed we would discuss it again in a year when she was sleeping better and we could think about it more. We’ve sold some of her baby things (bedside crib, lots of clothes, bouncer etc) but I can’t bare to get rid of the pushchair when we no longer need it or the cot as that will make it so final. I’ve bought it up again tonight - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening but we were looking at tiny photos of DD as a newborn and I feel heartbroken I won’t get that again. We’ve had an argument and he’s basically put his foot down and said he’s made his decision.

I feel so cheated because if he had said to me straight up when we first met that he only wanted one I honestly don’t think I would have married him - we were both honest about what we wanted in the future. I wanted a big family, instead I live in that lovely house but away from family and with just the 3 of us. I love DH and DD of course but it’s lonely and I feel so sad for my sweet girl who is so sociable and friendly with other babies that she won’t have anyone around her. I understand lots of siblings don’t get on (DH doesn’t get on with his at all and I was close to mine growing up but have distanced) but we don’t have other family around either - no grandparents close (and both sets adore her) and no cousins (I’m one of 4 so she will soon have lots of them), our house is so quiet and I grew up with lots of family and lots of things happening. I can’t let go of the sadness that I’ll only have one DC, AIBU to feel this way? How do I stop it hurting?

What makes it harder for me is that I had struggles BFing in the early days so wished the time to pass faster to when she got a bit bigger and it hurt less. We also begun a house renovation when she was approx 1 month old (bad timings thanks to Covid!) and a lot of that time was spent feeling stressed. I didn’t get the chance to appreciate it whilst it was here. I also had a early MC at 6 weeks the year before we had her, i would have been due in September and now I keep thinking about it. I know some people have no DC who really want them and I fully understand that and hope I don’t come across as ungrateful because my DD is my world. I just wish I knew how not to feel so upset about it and how I can accept her being an only child. I know I can’t force him and I don’t want to anyway as he will never have that same bond with another child but will I always quietly resent him for this decision? Has anyone else been in a similar position and knows what I can do to accept this? It makes my heart hurt

Sorry this post is all over the place and sorry for the humongous essay I’m just a snivelling mess currently and need AIBU to put me straight.

He's entitled to change his mind about wanting a larger family, however you are also entitled to change your mind about seeing him as the perfect life-partner. He needs to understand that he can make these decisions but that there will naturally be consequences to his actions. Ultimately he's putting his wants and desires ahead of yours, and expecting you to suck up your disappointment.

Ultimately he's putting his wants and desires ahead of yours, and expecting you to suck up your disappointment
It's either that or OP puts her wants and desires ahead of his, and expects him to suck up having a second child when he is not coping with the one he has. That wouldn't be without consequences, either.

When my exh had his affair, he told her that he had never wanted to have children with me, and only did so because I had manipulated him into it. That wasn't true ... but can you imagine if it was?

Ultimately he's putting his wants and desires ahead of yours, and expecting you to suck up your disappointment.

Would the same not be true the other way round?

@gannett

Ultimately he's putting his wants and desires ahead of yours, and expecting you to suck up your disappointment.

Would the same not be true the other way round?

in mn only the mum is allowed to have desires and wants.

Op can't just switch off her feelings. If she is going to reconcile herself to this she needs to be heard and to feel that he has fully taken that into account before he denied her and his daughter this extra family member. If he is only considering his own feelings here I struggle to see how op will be able to reconcile herself happily. That might not mean she leaves but it would take super human effort for it not to become a wedge between them. He needs to work with her on this.

Ops dh can't just switch off his feelings. If he is going to reconcile himself to this he needs to feel he's been heard before he allows himself to be forced into having another child. She needs to work with him on this.

I think it’s ok that he’s changed his mind. Babies are completely life-alternating and perhaps naïvely he thought he could handle 4. He’s allowed to change his mind just like you could if you wanted to
BUT
You’re also allowed to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you and I can understand why you’re really upset

"gannett
*Ultimately he's putting his wants and desires ahead of yours, and expecting you to suck up your disappointment.

Would the same not be true the other way round?"
in mn only the mum is allowed to have desires and wants*"

100%! It has to be agreed by both.
Then everyone on mn would then moan when the dad is struggling to be supportive following another baby that he has made clear he isn't ready mentally for.

@gannett

Ultimately he's putting his wants and desires ahead of yours, and expecting you to suck up your disappointment.

Would the same not be true the other way round?

Nope, because OP never said she would be happy to have just one child. What she actually said was that she’d like four but if that was too many she’d be happy with two. He married her on that premise.

Honestly if you stay you could end resentful of the what if and the longing for more.

It’s ok for it to be a deal breaker. You wanted four but where happy to settle on two you’ve already compromised on this once. To then have the second taken away. I’m not sure I’d be able to forgive for it. Yes people change their minds but number of children is kinda a big thing for both. He can’t expect her to stay unhappy and she can’t expect him to have more either so it’s best to separate at that point while young, while the childs young. Don’t waste years hoping he will change his mind or hoping you might finally change your own. Life’s too short.

What would the time line for a child with another partner look like?
Spend 6 months separating?
Maybe a year before dating while DD adjusts to life between two homes?
Maybe a year to meet someone you would consider as having serious potential?
Another year before you’re ready to bring them into your DD’s life?
Then maybe a year of living together?
Six months to TTC?
Then 9 months until new baby arrives?
Then baby arrives and gets to live with both parents, while DD is shuttled between you both.

Does that all really seem preferable to reconciling yourself to having just DD, in a marriage that is otherwise happy, and with a man, that is otherwise good?

I feel like the 4 imaginary children are a red herring - until you've got kids you can't know what it's like to have them ALL THE DAMN TIME (or you discover how much it would cost to have 4 X nursery/after-school club fees). We're allowed to change our minds.

I think overall your DD is young and there's time for him to change his mind - they get more interesting and the basics get easier as they get older, I didn't want a second until DS was over 2 because I was so tired. My DH would have had another one sooner but I was adamant it wasn't going to happen. Most couples I know have a 2.5-4 year age gap.

I don't think he has be atall dishonest. He has decided he doesn't want another one after the first which he couldn't have known until he had one child. I think it's better for him to be honest about his feelings than just go along with it when it isn't what he wants. Your baby is still young and lots of mums and dads feel like this. Some people can't even think about having another until the first is three or four years old when they are much easier and sleep a lot better. If he is a good dad and husband and you love him and he loves you then I would wait to bring it up again for another year or so

It does read like the OP compromised on a couple of things, where in the country they would live and sacrificing her desire to have 4 dcs to his 2. They married on those plans. Yes, the reality might be different for him, but if she isn't happy living this life, its fine for it to be a deal breaker. And if it is going to be a deal breaker long term, best make that decision sooner rather than later to give the OP time to find another partner and have more dcs without there being a massive gap with her dd.

I would definitely say you need counselling and possibly couple counselling. If the large family is off the table, then moving to where you have support should be a discussion, particularly if there's a good chance you'll split up. Get that move done sooner rather than later. He doesn't get his own way on everything.

@MiddleParking

Absolutely deranged answer????

CHANGING YOUR MIND WITH NEW INFORMATION IS NOT DECEIT IT IS A NORMAL AND SENSIBLE RESPONSE TO NEW DATA.

New data my hole. What happened, did he struggle with the trials of being pregnant, giving birth and breastfeeding? Do me a favour. In the OP’s position I’d expect the fact that I wanted four and would compromise on two, plus the fact that he’d married me knowing I wanted several children, to be the priority ‘data’. Now he can choose to deprioritise it in favour of the ‘new data’ aka the temporary challenges of a newborn (that are significantly lesser for him than for his wife), but I wouldn’t be being ‘understanding’ about that any more than I’d be ‘understanding’ about him deciding he didn’t fancy monogamy after all after getting married. Like I said, marriage involves some decisions you don’t get to change your mind about, not if you value the marriage, and for me having more than one child would absolutely be one of them.

I also think ‘you’re risking losing 50% of the time with your child’ is a triumph of hope over experience of how selfish men tend to behave after a separation. I know OP says he’s a good dad, but there’s quite a big space in between the two things.

Having a child in itself is a life altering change. Of course that's new information he couldn't have possibly understood without doing it, regardless of whether the burden of a newborn is more on the mother than him. Very odd that you assume that fathers experience no change to their life or viewpoint whatsoever on the birth of their first child and therefore can't change their mind about subsequent children. I find it genuinely quite concerning that you think he should father a child as a "compromise".

OP doesn't have to be "understanding" at all. Nor do you. But it's absolute nonsense to suggest he knew precisely what having a child would be like before he actually did it, and therefore is never allowed to change his mind because otherwise he's not valuing their marriage highly enough.

Sorry you are going through this op; it sounds really hard. I had difficulty getting pregnant and had miscarriages and ended up having one child when I wanted three. So I know how it feels to want more; like a hole in your heart. I know some people never get to experience motherhood though so I got on with it as best as I could. One of my reasons I wanted more DC though was for my DD as much as for myself and DH. I have a close relationship with my siblings and I wanted the same for her. What does your DH say looking at it from your dd's perspective?

He is entitled to his opinion and you are entitled to yours so I don't think there is much you can do ATM except hang in there and keep lines of communication open. In your shoes I would wait until my daughter was three, and then four years old and ask my DH just once a year if he had changed his mind. (Tell him this is the plan but be true to your promise and don't badger him in the meantime.) He may grow to like parenthood more as your DD gets older. But if he doesn't, you then have a decision to make in two years' time.

Btw, to give you hope, in the end I had the daughter of an extended family member come and live with us who has ended up like a sibling to my DD, so you never know how life will turn out. Good luck to you

I absolutely think that children are one of those things that you not only can but should change your mind on based on your feelings when they are actually here. I think too many people end up with more children than they can handle because they are stuck on what an ideal number of children is or what their family should look like, rather than whether they have the emotional and practical capacity to handle more children. Just look at the number of posts on here that follow the same line.

While it's very difficult for OP and I really do sympathise, her DH is saying that now he has experienced it, one child is his limit. There's nothing dishonest or cruel about it. He's done nothing wrong. Agreeing to a child that he does not want and that he doesn't feel able or willing to parent in the way he wants to is an incredibly bad idea.

It’s ok to see the reality of children and decide you don’t want/can’t afford 4. But having an only child is a big decision that doesn’t sit well with a lot of people. Therefore deciding 2 instead of 4 is ok, but deciding 1 instead of 4 is unacceptable, and too big a change of plan for OP to be expected to accept

I absolutely think that children are one of those things that you not only can but should change your mind on based on your feelings when they are actually here. I think too many people end up with more children than they can handle because they are stuck on what an ideal number of children is or what their family should look like, rather than whether they have the emotional and practical capacity to handle more children. Just look at the number of posts on here that follow the same line

This post makes so much sense to me but at the same time, while we should absolutely try and plan and be sensible because so many people do become overwhelmed, the reality of parenting is that not much about having children is totally rational and in some ways the same argument can be used to support the opposite case, because it's almost impossible to judge how you are going to react to each stage of parenting.

You may love infanthood and then find the teen years overwhelmingly hard. Or vice versa. Or you or one of your DC may become ill or disabled. Or you may lose your job which impacts upon the entire experience of parenting. No one knows how things are going to work out for sure so at the risk of sounding nauseatingly PollyAnna-er-ish, you have to embrace the whole experience with an open heart, as so much is outside of our control.

The op's DH may hate the infant years and grow to love having a primary aged child. Or having a son , for example, could change the experience of parenthood for him. Or not! I think it's unfair that the op's DH can say so categorically after two years that he doesn't want more DC, having previously agreed to this. He is entitled to his opinion but I think it's only fair that he says he will review how he feels about this in one or two years time. If he feels the same way, then the op can make a decision to move on. But to lay down the law so categorically only two years in to parenthood is a bit extreme imho.

Yes, I agree on that one. 15 months is still so early for deciding something like that.

I'm pregnant with DC2 and when DD was 15mo I was quite sure we were one and done too. It wasn't that I found the baby stage hard as such, she was a very easy baby, but more that I didn't really feel like I needed to do it again, I suppose? But now she's a toddler and she's hilarious and I enjoy her so much and I realised that I do want to do it again - not the baby bit so much, but to have another little person with their own opinions and character. But at 15months I think you're really still in that limbo stage between baby and toddler and it was probably my least favourite time, thinking back, although I did still enjoy it.

It’s ok to see the reality of children and decide you don’t want/can’t afford 4. But having an only child is a big decision that doesn’t sit well with a lot of people. Therefore deciding 2 instead of 4 is ok, but deciding 1 instead of 4 is unacceptable, and too big a change of plan for OP to be expected to accept

Yes this.

OP I would tell him that a compromise on two would be something you can live with (if indeed you can...) but going from a big family to an only child is not something you can be happy with.

It might be worth pointing out to him that while the baby stage is short, there's more to consider. Had he thought of the potential differences in everyday life with a single child who naturally looks to you to provide the ongoing everyday minute-by-minute entertainment that a sibling would naturally provide, versus having 2+ children?

I know it's not the same for everyone, but in my experience, my two friends with only children (now late primary age) have always had it harder in terms of everyday life, stuff on the weekends etc.

It's the weekend here and I've been working/ MNing while mine have been playing some complicated game downstairs (which has involved every cushion in the house being stacked up on the sofa, but whatever)... My friend with a solo 8 year old will probably have spent the morning baking/walking/playing games with her...

It is worth asking him first to really consider what he wants his life to look like, and not just hte first 4 years of the parenting stage.

But after that. You say - I cannot accept having an only child and no siblings for the child I have so we will split. And mean it.

And then you will get to see whether he is 100% set on what he's said, or whether it's something you can compromise on.

This is really sad. Unfortunately reality is not what he thought it would be.

You need to decide what you want. The option of more chi, which may or may not happen with a hypothetical future partner.

Or.

The current man you love and your family.

Then when you've decided what you want you need to either ask him for a divorce or to tell him that you've accepted his decision and won't mention it again

Neither of you are being unreasonable

Have you told him that you feel like this may be a deal breaker for you?

I agree that your DH didn't deliberately deceive you. I think we have an idea in our head of what parenting is like, and sometimes it's nothing like we imagined. Having my twins put me off having any more.

Personally, I couldn't end a relationship with someone I genuinely love and break up my child's home for this. If you did, you need to make sure your children never find about it as it would cause a huge amount of resentment.

Also, dating is shit. Don't take it for granted that you will actually find someone else either. What if you don't? What if the next man you love has had a vasectomy, is infertile or doesn't want any more? You have to start all over from scratch. Searching online, dates, introducing to children, maybe getting engaged and married first, could still take a few years.

I'd give it some more time first. Maybe he can speak to some other dads about it who can tell him that he will love another child as much and put some of his other worries to rest.

I think most people have said most of what I would have said, but do allow yourself your feelings - you are not being unreasonable to feel the way you do. And as someone who was in your position, I would not have been able to move past “him” deciding my fertility and family planning for me.

We had agreed on two children, but with an age gap of around three years if we were able to choose that. When DC1 was about 18 months old, DH announced he didn’t want more. Reading between the lines, he’d found becoming a parent hard - he’d been single for a long time, then in a child-free relationship with me, and having a baby is like having a bomb go off in your life in some ways (yes, there are a million positives but it’s a huge thing). I was utterly devastated as I’d always assumed I would have children rather than a child.

We ended up with two children, and a bigger age gap than planned. It’s not what DH would have chosen but DC2 is wonderful and they have a great relationship - and our family feels complete.

I absolutely ached to be pregnant again “one day” after DC1 and the thought of not doing it again broke my heart. Now I feel done. I don’t find pregnancy easy and I really don’t want to go through it again. If we hadn’t had DC2, I would have had a lot of resentment towards DH and a lot of grieving to do for an assumed future. Unlike me, you’re young enough that you have real choices on your side - I didn’t feel young enough to leave and start again. Make sure your DH knows you know you have choices.

Oh and I definitely agree to give him more time. My plan was to ask DH to spend the next six months from a specific date really trying to imagine life with two children and get his head round it, while I spent six months trying to come to terms with only having one, and revisit the subject then. In your circumstances, I’d consider counselling and/or doing that over the course of six months or a year.