I can’t get past DH wanting no more children

[Notquiteoneanddone]

NC and being a bit vague just as someone I know is on here and I’ve discussed this with her, hope that’s okay. Not really an AIBU but please help me give my head a wobble, I’m feeling very fragile about this.

I always wanted 4 DC and before DH and I got married we discussed this plus other fairly heavy subjects (such as finances, disciplining children, religion etc) as we wanted to be on the same page. I remember saying if 4 was too much then I’d be happy as long as we had 2.

I agreed to move away from family to a new city 3 hours away from my home town to move in with him - I was happy to do this and don’t feel any resentment about this but I think in my head I romanticised the far distant future in our own house in a lovely neighbourhood with a couple of kids. We now are between 25-30 years old (sorry bit vague) and have DD 15months who is the light of our lives. He is the absolute best dad ever, he loves her so much and is great with her. When she was about 5-6m old he sat me down and told me he didn’t think he wanted another one, I was floored, really shocked and he said he didn’t know he’d feel like this but now she was here that’s how he felt. He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her. Honestly no concrete reason just he didn’t want to. At that time I told him I needed a straight answer he can’t just say I don’t know and leave me hoping. we agreed we would discuss it again in a year when she was sleeping better and we could think about it more. We’ve sold some of her baby things (bedside crib, lots of clothes, bouncer etc) but I can’t bare to get rid of the pushchair when we no longer need it or the cot as that will make it so final. I’ve bought it up again tonight - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening but we were looking at tiny photos of DD as a newborn and I feel heartbroken I won’t get that again. We’ve had an argument and he’s basically put his foot down and said he’s made his decision.

I feel so cheated because if he had said to me straight up when we first met that he only wanted one I honestly don’t think I would have married him - we were both honest about what we wanted in the future. I wanted a big family, instead I live in that lovely house but away from family and with just the 3 of us. I love DH and DD of course but it’s lonely and I feel so sad for my sweet girl who is so sociable and friendly with other babies that she won’t have anyone around her. I understand lots of siblings don’t get on (DH doesn’t get on with his at all and I was close to mine growing up but have distanced) but we don’t have other family around either - no grandparents close (and both sets adore her) and no cousins (I’m one of 4 so she will soon have lots of them), our house is so quiet and I grew up with lots of family and lots of things happening. I can’t let go of the sadness that I’ll only have one DC, AIBU to feel this way? How do I stop it hurting?

What makes it harder for me is that I had struggles BFing in the early days so wished the time to pass faster to when she got a bit bigger and it hurt less. We also begun a house renovation when she was approx 1 month old (bad timings thanks to Covid!) and a lot of that time was spent feeling stressed. I didn’t get the chance to appreciate it whilst it was here. I also had a early MC at 6 weeks the year before we had her, i would have been due in September and now I keep thinking about it. I know some people have no DC who really want them and I fully understand that and hope I don’t come across as ungrateful because my DD is my world. I just wish I knew how not to feel so upset about it and how I can accept her being an only child. I know I can’t force him and I don’t want to anyway as he will never have that same bond with another child but will I always quietly resent him for this decision? Has anyone else been in a similar position and knows what I can do to accept this? It makes my heart hurt

Sorry this post is all over the place and sorry for the humongous essay I’m just a snivelling mess currently and need AIBU to put me straight.

Not having a 2nd would have been a deal breaker for me.

This is such a difficult situation op, I really feel
for you.

Please just bear in mind that leaving him doesn't guarantee that you will meet someone else you want to have a baby with. It would also mean you may only see the child you do have 50% of the time. It's a big risk to take.

YNBU I am an only and I was always lonely as a child and never felt like I fit in anywhere. It still makes me sad as an adult I feel like an incomplete person.
I am pregnant with my first and like you I'd love to have 4, I think family is so important.

I don’t know many men at all who wanted a second baby when the first baby was less than 18 months old.
Not popular, but give him time. He will more than likely change his mind, especially given his reasons about the newborn stage and having PFB.

I would ask him to have a vasectomy if he doesnt want any more (see how serious he is then........................................................)

It's not about fathers are not important or that family homes don't matter. Of course they do but unless you have experienced or seen the devastation this can cause then you can't say. I have seen what it does, it can easily destroy a family
My mother moved away from my father when I was small, and that wasn't a bed of roses either. Growing up the "mistake" from the "bad first marriage", the accidental extra in a lovely little nuclear stepfamily, is also not the dream people seem to think it might be.

Well he has told you now 'he has made his decision'. You seem to have made a few sacrifices for him, moving 3hrs away from your family and support network. Have a baby and now he is telling you having more DC is not subject to further discussion. Loving couples dont behave like that. He surely knows how upset you would feel.

Do you think he is looking for you to separate and by being so adamant and unwilling to discuss at any point in the future is forcing you to make the decision. So you separate but its you that is 'breaking' up the family and not him.

I think you need to decide OP if this is a dealbreaker. It seems likely it is.

Then tell him that and that having another child/more children is worth divorcing him and starting again.

Let him then decide if his own decision is worth that.

(And next time he says something so obnoxious as he’s made his decision and he’s not going to talk about it any more tell him not to be a pompous ass.)

Wannakisstheteacher would you have felt the same way if after having only 1 DC your DH says he doesnt want any more?

I don't think you can hold someone to how many kids they said they wanted before they actually had any and knew what it was like. He is entitled to change his mind and say actually, one is enough for me. It is not deceitful, dishonest, tricking you or moving the goalposts, it is making a decision about how many kids you wish to have now you know what the reality is. That said, you are also entitled to want more children, the reality of having kids hasn't changed your desire to have a large family and so you find yourself in a difficult position.

Being able to have the amount of children you would like or at all isn't a given. It is the very fortunate who are able to plan just how many kids they will have and when. I don't think it's ever a good idea to get attached to a particular number of children as it may not work out that way, of course the human mind doesn't always get the memo. In your case you are 15 months in, there may not be enough distance from the newborn/baby phase to allow him to think about a second child clearly.

It's hard OP. You need to decide if you can live with that decision and stay with him or not.

If you do stay with him make sure it's his responsibility to deal with contraception and make sure he knows it.

You should not have to take contraception or have implant/coil etc in your body when he's the one who doesn't want kids.

I can agree with posters who are saying he isn’t being deceitful. But he is moving the goal posts.

OP married him partly based on pre-marriage conversations where there were always multiple children - never just one. Those goal posts have been moved.

@ravenmum

It's not about fathers are not important or that family homes don't matter. Of course they do but unless you have experienced or seen the devastation this can cause then you can't say. I have seen what it does, it can easily destroy a family My mother moved away from my father when I was small, and that wasn't a bed of roses either. Growing up the "mistake" from the "bad first marriage", the accidental extra in a lovely little nuclear stepfamily, is also not the dream people seem to think it might be.

The failure to consider this scenario really reveals how "but what about a sibling for my child" is a load of nonsense. Wanting another child isn't an altruistic act, it's an individual desire.

Lots of people have to come to terms with never having things they’ve always wanted.

I wanted four children, DP said he wouldn’t want more than two. I don’t think something so huge as a commitment to a child is something to persuade someone in to. It’s definitely valid to change your mind once the reality of your first has hit home too.

We’ve since faced infertility and will be lucky to have one child. I’ve adjusted my hopes and dreams, which isn’t easy but try to value what you do have instead of chasing the dream of more. You say he’s a good partner and a good dad, don’t underestimate the security and contentment of that. Leaving him is huge - you’d not have your DD with you full time and having another baby would mean finding someone decent enough, and having that man move in to your home and daughters life.

Absolutely deranged answer????

CHANGING YOUR MIND WITH NEW INFORMATION IS NOT DECEIT IT IS A NORMAL AND SENSIBLE RESPONSE TO NEW DATA.

New data my hole. What happened, did he struggle with the trials of being pregnant, giving birth and breastfeeding? Do me a favour. In the OP’s position I’d expect the fact that I wanted four and would compromise on two, plus the fact that he’d married me knowing I wanted several children, to be the priority ‘data’. Now he can choose to deprioritise it in favour of the ‘new data’ aka the temporary challenges of a newborn (that are significantly lesser for him than for his wife), but I wouldn’t be being ‘understanding’ about that any more than I’d be ‘understanding’ about him deciding he didn’t fancy monogamy after all after getting married. Like I said, marriage involves some decisions you don’t get to change your mind about, not if you value the marriage, and for me having more than one child would absolutely be one of them.

I also think ‘you’re risking losing 50% of the time with your child’ is a triumph of hope over experience of how selfish men tend to behave after a separation. I know OP says he’s a good dad, but there’s quite a big space in between the two things.

As you are so young, you could have children with somebody else.
So don't panic

I thought I would say YABU but if you wanted 4 and told him that and 2 was the compromise then I think he is being unreasonable. Unless he feels the marriage won't last?

@callmeadoctor

I would ask him to have a vasectomy if he doesnt want any more (see how serious he is then........................................................)

Yeh find out if it's more children with YOU that he doesn't want.

You are both young in terms of having children and your DC is young. I’d suggest couples counselling. He’s entitled to be firm in his decision as are you. I wouldn’t just wait for him to come around as he’s so adamant. You are young you can split co parent dc and go on to have family you want with husband 2.

A couple of things for when you discuss this further:

Sometimes children die. This might sound extreme, but it's one of those things that 'only happen to other people', until it happens to you. Then it is almost impossible to carry on with no children at all.

Many years from now, when you and DH are old and ailing, all the burden of care will fall on DD alone.

"In 100% of cases any sweet little girl will prefer to be with her loving dad (as you described him) every day to having a half sibling."

Good advice here. You really think that it's worth blowing up your life and separating from your child's father because of this? I'd give it time.

We have a 6 year age gap between our DC. We had both decided we were happy with one but things in our lives shifted some 5 years on and we both wanted a second baby. You're young, you have time.

I agree with PP who say give it time because he might change his mind again.

Try to think of all the good things about having an only child?

I kind of understand both sides. I think you go through a lot of thoughts and emotions once you’ve actually had your first child. If I couldn’t have another baby I think I’d be disappointed and relieved at the same time.

Also I would talk to him about relocating closer to family.

You cant miss what you've never had.If he's a brilliant dad and partner stick with him.Hes not a sperm donor.

@Charley61

A couple of things for when you discuss this further:

Sometimes children die. This might sound extreme, but it's one of those things that 'only happen to other people', until it happens to you. Then it is almost impossible to carry on with no children at all.

Many years from now, when you and DH are old and ailing, all the burden of care will fall on DD alone.

so you should have more children in case DD dies or so she doesn't carry the burden on her own?

Quite a few people are trotting out the old “2 is easier than 1” bollocks.

Not in my experience at all. If you have two, you have to deal with each child, and also deal with the interaction between them.

Many people (inc the OP) are assuming that the existing child would get on really well with the hypothetical sibling and would be really missing out if they were an only child.

I’ve got two DC and they don’t like each other at all. They never have. I’m delighted I have both of them, but the constant arguing and fighting is incredibly wearing and tiresome. I know that each of them would be happier if they didn’t have a sibling. Fortunately it’s not their choice because I love them both!!

I was actually a bit worried about having a second child and so was my husband, because we loved the first one so much and thought they were so wonderful that it wasn’t fair that we couldn’t possibly love the second one nearly as much! That seems laughable now, as the second one is so lovely, but it was a genuine concern at the time and maybe your DH is feeling this way too from what you said.