I can’t get past DH wanting no more children

[Notquiteoneanddone]

NC and being a bit vague just as someone I know is on here and I’ve discussed this with her, hope that’s okay. Not really an AIBU but please help me give my head a wobble, I’m feeling very fragile about this.

I always wanted 4 DC and before DH and I got married we discussed this plus other fairly heavy subjects (such as finances, disciplining children, religion etc) as we wanted to be on the same page. I remember saying if 4 was too much then I’d be happy as long as we had 2.

I agreed to move away from family to a new city 3 hours away from my home town to move in with him - I was happy to do this and don’t feel any resentment about this but I think in my head I romanticised the far distant future in our own house in a lovely neighbourhood with a couple of kids. We now are between 25-30 years old (sorry bit vague) and have DD 15months who is the light of our lives. He is the absolute best dad ever, he loves her so much and is great with her. When she was about 5-6m old he sat me down and told me he didn’t think he wanted another one, I was floored, really shocked and he said he didn’t know he’d feel like this but now she was here that’s how he felt. He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her. Honestly no concrete reason just he didn’t want to. At that time I told him I needed a straight answer he can’t just say I don’t know and leave me hoping. we agreed we would discuss it again in a year when she was sleeping better and we could think about it more. We’ve sold some of her baby things (bedside crib, lots of clothes, bouncer etc) but I can’t bare to get rid of the pushchair when we no longer need it or the cot as that will make it so final. I’ve bought it up again tonight - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening but we were looking at tiny photos of DD as a newborn and I feel heartbroken I won’t get that again. We’ve had an argument and he’s basically put his foot down and said he’s made his decision.

I feel so cheated because if he had said to me straight up when we first met that he only wanted one I honestly don’t think I would have married him - we were both honest about what we wanted in the future. I wanted a big family, instead I live in that lovely house but away from family and with just the 3 of us. I love DH and DD of course but it’s lonely and I feel so sad for my sweet girl who is so sociable and friendly with other babies that she won’t have anyone around her. I understand lots of siblings don’t get on (DH doesn’t get on with his at all and I was close to mine growing up but have distanced) but we don’t have other family around either - no grandparents close (and both sets adore her) and no cousins (I’m one of 4 so she will soon have lots of them), our house is so quiet and I grew up with lots of family and lots of things happening. I can’t let go of the sadness that I’ll only have one DC, AIBU to feel this way? How do I stop it hurting?

What makes it harder for me is that I had struggles BFing in the early days so wished the time to pass faster to when she got a bit bigger and it hurt less. We also begun a house renovation when she was approx 1 month old (bad timings thanks to Covid!) and a lot of that time was spent feeling stressed. I didn’t get the chance to appreciate it whilst it was here. I also had a early MC at 6 weeks the year before we had her, i would have been due in September and now I keep thinking about it. I know some people have no DC who really want them and I fully understand that and hope I don’t come across as ungrateful because my DD is my world. I just wish I knew how not to feel so upset about it and how I can accept her being an only child. I know I can’t force him and I don’t want to anyway as he will never have that same bond with another child but will I always quietly resent him for this decision? Has anyone else been in a similar position and knows what I can do to accept this? It makes my heart hurt

Sorry this post is all over the place and sorry for the humongous essay I’m just a snivelling mess currently and need AIBU to put me straight.

@HermioneAndRoger

I don’t suggest that he should, *@GoodGrief100*. We’ve only got OP’s side of the story but she makes it sound like in their relationship to date she is the one who has had to be flexible on the big, life-changing things. A man who has never had to compromise on anything bigger than the colour of the sofa in his relationship to date might not be used to the adult process of thinking through the consequences of his decrees.

*A man who has never had to compromise on anything bigger than the colour of the sofa in his relationship to date might not be used to the adult process of thinking through the consequences of his decrees.*

That is quite an assumption and patronising to boot.

Fathers and stable homes are very important. Whether you have 1 child or more isn't the issue, it is how the decision is reached that counts. If either partner is getting a fete accompli landed on them that would be dreadful for obvious reasons.
Neither of them should be accompli the other to suck up whatever they want, there has got to be a process of laying it all out and looking at it from every point of view, weighing it all up. Only then can a decision which might not go one person's way be fully accepted.
A decision you support even if it isn't what you would choose if you had your way it's a lot easier to live with than one that was forced on you.
If a marriage breaks up over this I think it will be because one person had no say and the resentment grew.
Avoid resentment by hearing each other out.

No real advice but some empathy.

I'm in a slightly different situation in that I have 2 DC, we always agreed on 3 DC, but my DH said no more after DC2. I'd happily carry on and have 4DC .

So my youngest is now nearly four and I'm going to be honest here; deep down, I really resent DH. I've tried so much not to, but I can't shake the feeling. It's definitely affected how I feel about him, but consciously I keep reminding myself that I can't break up a happy family for my wants. I try so, so hard not to let it affect me but I see myself having less patience with DH and I know him changing his mind about future children is a contributing factor to that.

It's really tough. In ten years time it'll be out of my hands, with the menapause looming. But at the moment it's hard to accept.

Doesn't help that my kids constantly ask why they can't have a baby brother or sister . I think I'll send them to Daddy next time they ask

I'm sorry to say it, but I would leave him. He is entitled to change his mind. But you will always want more children and will resent him. If you do have another child, he will resent you. Unfortunately you are in a no-win situation with him, and your only option is to leave and you will both find happiness

I hate to break it to you @GoodGrief100 but everyone is making assumptions based on the few hundred words that the OP provides. Even you.

It's not that simple though is it. Leaving is also a massive gamble. There's no guarantee you'd find another partner who suits you and wants children. All you know is you leave us that you're child doesn't get to grow up with her father. Best avoided if at all possible, but he needs to be part of that by making it a team decision.

@RocksOnTheHill

No real advice but some empathy.

I'm in a slightly different situation in that I have 2 DC, we always agreed on 3 DC, but my DH said no more after DC2. I'd happily carry on and have 4DC .

So my youngest is now nearly four and I'm going to be honest here; deep down, I really resent DH. I've tried so much not to, but I can't shake the feeling. It's definitely affected how I feel about him, but consciously I keep reminding myself that I can't break up a happy family for my wants. I try so, so hard not to let it affect me but I see myself having less patience with DH and I know him changing his mind about future children is a contributing factor to that.

It's really tough. In ten years time it'll be out of my hands, with the menapause looming. But at the moment it's hard to accept.

Doesn't help that my kids constantly ask why they can't have a baby brother or sister . I think I'll send them to Daddy next time they ask

The menopause looming might well bring the resentment back, I know it did with me.

[quote Morechocmorechoc]@EasterIssland
If the OP is as unhappy as she sounds this will not be a happy home. So she will need support. H shoukd have thought about it before backtracking and making OP miserable. Many parents live in different places. Alternatively he will need to move. It's life. It happens. He made his bed why should OP suffer for it and be lonely.[/quote]
and do you think the child would be happy without seeing their dad if their relationship is good?

isn't H entitled to a choice? only the mum is.. sod the dad he can be the unhappy one !

alternatively he'll need to move? she's the one moving away and taking the child away... if a dad came here and said they wanted to take the child3h away from their mum cuz he was unhappy mn would go ballistics !

He didn't make his bed, they as adults decided where to live and have kids. She's got a choice in here as well.. but the most important of all is the happiness of the existing child.

When me and my DH got married we discussed children and how many we wanted, I grew up in a big family so wanted at least two, I’m pregnant with my first atm who was very hard to conceive and infertility nearly broke me, I’ve had a horrible pregnancy, not enjoyed it one bit and have told DH I don’t think I want anymore and that’s before baby is even here, he’s absolutely fine about it.

Thing is most marriages eventually do end in divorce, especially marriages filled with resentment, the men I know who got divorced in their 40s (I don’t know any who’ve been divorced before that age funny enough 😂), most of them went for someone a lot younger and even after saying they don’t want anymore children go on and end up having children with someone else.

Don’t stay when you’re not happy for the sake of the child you have, but equally don’t throw a good family unit away for the sake of a ‘maybe’

Some of the comments here really make me feel sad. Having a baby should be a "two yeses, one no" issue, yes it's unfortunate if a number was agreed upon but people change their minds, it happens for all sorts of reasons. If this were reversed and the husband was trying to pressure the wife into having another baby when she'd been very clear she was done I bet the responses would be very different.

My advice to the OP is to seek counseling and to rule out issuing any ultimatums because you never know what his response is going to be. Much better to have one child with two parents bringing the child up together than any of the alternatives.

@Zippy1510

If you are unhappy in your marriage then of course you are entitled to leave. However leaving a happy marriage and breaking up Your child’s family for the sole purpose of you having more children is incredibly selfish and could lead to your child resenting you in the future.

Leaving because you and dh no longer share a vision and plan for the future is reasonable. As is leaving because you feel the only person compromising on big life decisions is you, and his diktats move you further and further from where you want to be. Leaving because you are miserable is also a good reason to break up your marriage.

If you leave, you will not have broken up a happy home. That's guilt-tripping nonsense. People don't leave happy marriages, and your dd will not be happy if you are miserable and resentful.

Your marriage may break down over this. It will not be your fault, nor his, that it did.

I'm kind of in a similar position but not as resolute in my stance.

Before DD, I was adamant I was a one and done. Less financial worries, more disposable income to be able to give them whatever they would like (within reason). DH was always of the view that you have at least two, so they have a sibling. We both grew up with two siblings.

DD had a poorly start to life and spent the first two weeks in NICU. It was a heartbreaking time. She was brought home a few days before the April 2020 lockdown so with no family nearby, I was isolated and had a touch of PND. It was a very rough year.

DD as a baby was actually a dream; no reflux, no real sleeping issues. Slept through the night from 8 months and in her own room happily from 6 months. Past the fourth trimester, she happily napped in her Sleepyhead/cot.

Shes now 19 months and I'm starting to wobble and think about a second. I see her interacting with other kids and she seems so happy. DH on the other hand has absolutely changed his mind and doesn't want a second. He doesn't want to risk having a second and having an absolute nightmare baby (which is fair, as I would hate it too). I hear him talk about it in a joking way to his work colleagues and a part of me thinks it's such a shame.

However I've never truly been 100% set on a second so I'm happier coming to terms with my initial one and done. Couple that with a fear something would happen to the baby like my DD after birth, I would be a wreck throughout the whole pregnancy worrying. I am not sure my mental health is strong enough to withstand that again.

I think you both need to sit down and have a calm conversation. If he is adamant on sticking at one, then he should compromise and move back to where your family is so you have their support and your child can get the sibling experience with their cousins. Otherwise I feel like you will grow to resent him not only because he 'took' away your larger family, but also your familial support system by asking you to move away.

@HermioneAndRoger

I hate to break it to you *@GoodGrief100* but everyone is making assumptions based on the few hundred words that the OP provides. Even you.

I've offered advice based on my opinion of the situation but I've not assumed anything about her life or her husbands capacity to make decisions. But you do you, sweetheart.

These threads always wind me up something wicked, I'm so fascinated by the volume of posters who clearly view their husbands as sperm providers and not living people with their own wants and interests.

Same, and the other completely bizarre theme that always crops up is that you are somehow failing your first child by not providing them with a sibling, as though life as an only child is nothing more than a life of torment and loneliness. Which is absolute bollocks. Would've bloody loved to be an only instead of having my sister. Never met an only child who feels sad about it.

I also struggle with the idea that a family of three is somehow lesser than a family of six. Or that if your dream number of children doesn't happen then there are no other goals or ambitions and your life will just be seething resentment about it.

Most people don't get everything they want in life, and we're generally expected to come to terms with it if that's a career, promotion, wealth, partner, house. We're not entitled to any of it, there are any number of reasons those things might not happen for us. Why is motherhood any different?

I think you don’t really know what it’s like to have children before you have them. You can plan a future, but then reality hits and you might change your mind.

What if you had been unable to have children ? Would you have left him? Would he have left you?

I have 3 children, but honestly they would have all been happy without their siblings too. You don’t have another child to give your child a sibling. Two of mine can’t stand each other and probably never will.

He doesn’t like you bringing it up, what about your feelings.

I’m sorry but I do have very strong views on this, I knew a few only children when I was young and without exception they were lonely and bored, I also see it in my children’s friends who are only children. If you can’t have children that’s one thing but I think it’s incredibly selfish not to give your child a sibling, someone they will have for life, someone to support them when you and DH are older, someone their children might have cousins. And on the family gies, he would deprive your child of all this because it doesn’t want a few months of sleepless nights.

You wanted 4 and agreed at 2, gopher can’t undo this now because he’s a lazy b***d.

I have 4 and it’s the single best thing in my whole life. I always wanted 4 or 5, my DH wanted 2 or 3. At 3 he said no more but I can’t tell you the hormonal feelings I had. I was absolutely desperate for another baby, I can’t tell you have much I ‘ached’ fir another baby, this may seem strange when we already had 3 but that’s how I felt. In the end I actually threatened divorce, the marriage wasn’t great and to be honest I couldn’t see the point of staying together if we weren’t going to have another child. We did have a fourth and it was the best decision ever, he did none if the baby duties, not for 3 either but he is so loved by us both and without him our lives would be so much less rich. He is an amazing child and I often look at him and think if I hadn’t have fought so hard we wouldn’t have him.

Our marriage didn’t last, it was never going, I’m afraid he was too selfish in every area of marriage but I still have four fantastic children.

How will you feel if your marriage doesn’t last and you’ve sacrificed children for it.

Jeeze, can you imagine having to go through all the shit and hassle of bringing up a child you never really wanted in the first place and the other partner knowing that.

It’s really sad to read how many people think he’s not really allowed to change his mind. I wanted 4, after 3 I changed my mind and wanted to stop. I would have been very had DH then tried to insist I have another - I didn’t want - because I’d said I’d wanted to in the past. We grow, we change, we shouldn’t be forced to stick with choices we no longer feel are right for us.

What has he compromised on in your relationship, OP? It sounds like you've moved far from your family and now he is making the decision on stopping after 1 child (even though you'd prefer 4) without even hearing your side out properly? I'd maybe talk again and let him know you'll give him some time to think. Talk again in maybe 3 months and then I'd want some marriage counselling or something to discuss the issue properly. It's not something you can shelve and just "deal with" without feeling resentful and he can't ask you to do that - he needs to help you deal with his change of mind at the very least.

I can imagine in your situation and young age that it would be very hard to deal with this decision imposed on you. Also, most of the people I know who have 2 kids basically took a blind leap of faith because they knew they did want 2 children even if it semi-terrified them to go through the newborn/baby stage again. Most didn't make a practical decision based on how easy they found it. I also know people who said they loved DC1 so much they found it hard to imagine they could love another child as much so I think that's very normal too.

I do think it is different on whether the woman decides "no more" or the man as a pregnancy is a massive massive physical and mental (hormonal) burden on a woman. I'm not saying anyone should agree to more kids than they want for the sake of their partner but it is not a direct equivalent.

I also don’t think he deceived you, he simply has changed his mind based on the reality. This is acceptable

Sadly the person who doesn’t wish the child trumps the person who does, because you cannot make someone a parent against their will, it’s not fair for the child.

But it does mean you will resent him. There is no easy answer here, no compromise to be reached, you either accept it or move on to find someone who does wish to have move children with you.

I think your dh is being unfair to you tbh. You are very young still and most young women will often want a couple of dc. He may change his mind of course. But he seems to be holding all the cards atm. You could still find someone else of course. He may feel he is pushed into a decision if this happens. Maybe revisit in a year or so and see where you are then

If you want to leave then leave. But please don't try to bring 'my sweet little girl needs a sibling' into the argument. Own it, it is your wellbeing, not hers you are prioritising. In 100% of cases any sweet little girl will prefer to be with her loving dad (as you described him) every day to having a half sibling.

@Zippy1510

If you are unhappy in your marriage then of course you are entitled to leave. However leaving a happy marriage and breaking up Your child’s family for the sole purpose of you having more children is incredibly selfish and could lead to your child resenting you in the future.

It's only a happy marriage if we discount the fact that OP isn't happy.

Women should not be expected to be martyrs.

It's not about fathers are not important or that family homes don't matter. Of course they do but unless you have experienced or seen the devastation this can cause then you can't say. I have seen what it does, it can easily destroy a family. Op compromised loads, it's it's H turn. Op was very clear before marriage, she even changed to accommodate husband. Any further change is very very unfair, yes you can change your mind and you can't make someone want a baby. People change. The OP was clear and hasn't changed. So it's time to decide. Either DH compromises and meets OP half way, or she can choose to live with it or leave. If she leaves she will need support which means moving home where she wants to be.

[quote YukoandHiro]@AlohaMolly Have you spoken to your DH about it in those terms? You are still young - you have 8-10 years of fertility.

Honestly if you cry every day you can't live like that for the rest of your life. If you leave you may or may not have more children, but you won't be living with someone you resent for making you miserable. [/quote]
@YukoandHiro the problem is, if I leave, I’ll only have DS 50% of the time. Ultimately, if I leave it’ll be because DP is so dismissive of my feelings and won’t try and help me through them, eg he won’t consider couples therapy and laughed when I told him I was getting therapy to help myself through it. I wouldn’t leave only because he won’t have another child with me, but more because of how he is responding to me as a human being, if that makes sense?