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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can’t get past DH wanting no more children

278 replies

Notquiteoneanddone · 24/10/2021 23:24

NC and being a bit vague just as someone I know is on here and I’ve discussed this with her, hope that’s okay. Not really an AIBU but please help me give my head a wobble, I’m feeling very fragile about this.

I always wanted 4 DC and before DH and I got married we discussed this plus other fairly heavy subjects (such as finances, disciplining children, religion etc) as we wanted to be on the same page. I remember saying if 4 was too much then I’d be happy as long as we had 2.

I agreed to move away from family to a new city 3 hours away from my home town to move in with him - I was happy to do this and don’t feel any resentment about this but I think in my head I romanticised the far distant future in our own house in a lovely neighbourhood with a couple of kids. We now are between 25-30 years old (sorry bit vague) and have DD 15months who is the light of our lives. He is the absolute best dad ever, he loves her so much and is great with her. When she was about 5-6m old he sat me down and told me he didn’t think he wanted another one, I was floored, really shocked and he said he didn’t know he’d feel like this but now she was here that’s how he felt. He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her. Honestly no concrete reason just he didn’t want to. At that time I told him I needed a straight answer he can’t just say I don’t know and leave me hoping. we agreed we would discuss it again in a year when she was sleeping better and we could think about it more. We’ve sold some of her baby things (bedside crib, lots of clothes, bouncer etc) but I can’t bare to get rid of the pushchair when we no longer need it or the cot as that will make it so final. I’ve bought it up again tonight - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening but we were looking at tiny photos of DD as a newborn and I feel heartbroken I won’t get that again. We’ve had an argument and he’s basically put his foot down and said he’s made his decision.

I feel so cheated because if he had said to me straight up when we first met that he only wanted one I honestly don’t think I would have married him - we were both honest about what we wanted in the future. I wanted a big family, instead I live in that lovely house but away from family and with just the 3 of us. I love DH and DD of course but it’s lonely and I feel so sad for my sweet girl who is so sociable and friendly with other babies that she won’t have anyone around her. I understand lots of siblings don’t get on (DH doesn’t get on with his at all and I was close to mine growing up but have distanced) but we don’t have other family around either - no grandparents close (and both sets adore her) and no cousins (I’m one of 4 so she will soon have lots of them), our house is so quiet and I grew up with lots of family and lots of things happening. I can’t let go of the sadness that I’ll only have one DC, AIBU to feel this way? How do I stop it hurting?

What makes it harder for me is that I had struggles BFing in the early days so wished the time to pass faster to when she got a bit bigger and it hurt less. We also begun a house renovation when she was approx 1 month old (bad timings thanks to Covid!) and a lot of that time was spent feeling stressed. I didn’t get the chance to appreciate it whilst it was here. I also had a early MC at 6 weeks the year before we had her, i would have been due in September and now I keep thinking about it. I know some people have no DC who really want them and I fully understand that and hope I don’t come across as ungrateful because my DD is my world. I just wish I knew how not to feel so upset about it and how I can accept her being an only child. I know I can’t force him and I don’t want to anyway as he will never have that same bond with another child but will I always quietly resent him for this decision? Has anyone else been in a similar position and knows what I can do to accept this? It makes my heart hurt

Sorry this post is all over the place and sorry for the humongous essay I’m just a snivelling mess currently and need AIBU to put me straight.

OP posts:

Jenster03 · 25/10/2021 15:05

I do find it slightly amusing that some people presume siblings will sit and play happily together most of the time. That is so far from reality for a huge amount of 2 child families.

That said, I feel a bit sorry for your DH being honest. Of course you can change your mind. People thinking they want X amount of children before they have any are a bit naive. See how you go with one first!
Your poor DH would end up going through a divorce, not seeing his child every day, not to mention your child having to go between two houses. For what? So you can have your second baby?
Whatever happened to compromise and of course, other people's feelings?

MyCatHatesWhiskas · 25/10/2021 15:09

Of course you should compromise - that doesn’t mean just doing what the other person wants! It’s a huge difference to go from a planned family of four kids to your child being an only child!

And yes, lots of siblings fight like cat and dog - we did, but as adults we’re glad to have each other. Personally, I might have wanted to be an only child as a child but as an adult I can say those relationships have really enriched my life.

Fizzbangwallop · 25/10/2021 16:06

I think you need to go to counselling with DH to both talk about this openly. This isn’t something that can be resolved easily by yourselves as it’s such an emotive issue. Unfortunately, if DH’s decision is final, you will need to decide whether or not to leave the marriage.

Jenster03 · 25/10/2021 16:37

@MyCatHatesWhiskas

Of course you should compromise - that doesn’t mean just doing what the other person wants! It’s a huge difference to go from a planned family of four kids to your child being an only child!

So the alternative is to throw everything away just so you can have a second child? Perhaps compromise isn't the best word. I don't know, but what I mean is, settle for one child and keep your, what sounds like, stable marriage and happy little family. I just don't think people realise just quite so much upheaval it would be to leave, go through divorce, try and find someone new whilst passing your child to and fro between parents, finding someone new, getting to know them, settling down, then finally having the sought after 2nd child.

Alwayswantedasmegf · 25/10/2021 16:44

@Jenster03

I do find it slightly amusing that some people presume siblings will sit and play happily together most of the time. That is so far from reality for a huge amount of 2 child families.

Oh yes poor DH.

Alwayswantedasmegf · 25/10/2021 16:49

@MyCatHatesWhiskas

Of course you should compromise - that doesn’t mean just doing what the other person wants! It’s a huge difference to go from a planned family of four kids to your child being an only child!

Exactly.

bluebeck · 25/10/2021 17:05

I don't think I could get over this - I would feel betrayed. So for me the relationship would be over anyway

mowglika · 25/10/2021 17:10

I think your DH show should show some compromise. It’s not like you’re saying you still want 4 or nothing. You’re not unreasonable to want a sibling for your DD. He may change his mind in time

MiddleParking · 25/10/2021 17:34

Perhaps compromise isn't the best word. I don't know, but what I mean is, settle for one child and keep your, what sounds like, stable marriage and happy little family.

As has been said several times, this only applies if OP’s happiness doesn’t count.

mowglika · 25/10/2021 17:42

I also think the old adage on here that the person who doesn’t want the child gets to veto in the marriage is a bit heartless.. the other person is also preventing their partner from fulfilling what might be a pretty big dream as their choices are then to stay and live with it or leave and hope to find someone new to continue building their family with. It’s also possible for the person who doesn’t want the next kid to compromise and to have a happy family at the end of it. Good luck OP

Puppermam · 25/10/2021 17:51

I think it's only fair that he says he will review how he feels about this in one or two years time. If he feels the same way, then the op can make a decision to move on. But to lay down the law so categorically only two years in to parenthood is a bit extreme imho.

But then if he doesn't change his mind, surely some would say he's just leading her on and kicking the can down the road? If he is certain now then isn't it better that he says so? I know with all my heart and soul i don't want any more. I knew it very early on after giving birth and i haven't changed my mind in 7 years. It wouldn't have been fair of me to agree with my husband we could talk about it again every year when i know for absolute certain that i never want to have any more children. I'm happy with the dc I've got and maybe ops dh is too.

LittleBearPad · 25/10/2021 18:08

@Jenster03

I do find it slightly amusing that some people presume siblings will sit and play happily together most of the time. That is so far from reality for a huge amount of 2 child families.

What happened to OP’s feelings. In your view they clearly don’t count.

HairyScaryMonster · 25/10/2021 18:27

2/3 friends whose husbands said only 1 have had a second, all with a 4 year + age gap. The one who hasn't changed his mind has health issues.

15 months is still a tough period, there's no guarantees he'll feel that way in a couple of years. But he might!

LittleBearPad · 25/10/2021 18:34

He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her.

The thing is - these aren’t good reasons. The first few weeks/months pass. The second simply isn’t true. There’s no finite amount of love

RacketeerRalph · 25/10/2021 18:47

@LittleBearPad

He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her.

The thing is - these aren’t good reasons. The first few weeks/months pass. The second simply isn’t true. There’s no finite amount of love

Those aren't good reasons for you.

To me, they're very good. I didn't want to go through the sleep deprivation again because of the impact it had, and still has on my long term mental health. You have no idea how sleep deprived he was - some babies wake every few hours, some every 30minutes. The impact differs from person to person. Honestly, if I had to do it again I'd kill myself. I nearly did the first time.

notanothertakeaway · 25/10/2021 18:56

@Charley61

A couple of things for when you discuss this further:

Sometimes children die. This might sound extreme, but it's one of those things that 'only happen to other people', until it happens to you. Then it is almost impossible to carry on with no children at all.

Many years from now, when you and DH are old and ailing, all the burden of care will fall on DD alone.

@Charley61

I don't think people should have a second child just in case their first dies.....that's not a good reason

Zwellers · 25/10/2021 19:04

Why do people always assume. It's better for a child to have a sibling. Not always.

QueenDanu · 25/10/2021 19:06

@Zwellers

Why do people always assume. It's better for a child to have a sibling. Not always.

Yeh my dc2 so demand avidant and difficult. My dc1 would have been better off an only. They dont get on well either. He is so grumpy to her. She tries and gets zero back from him.

AlexaShutUp · 25/10/2021 19:14

It's absolutely incredible to me that so many people on here think that the lack of a sibling is worse for a child than being split between two households and having to cope with a blended family! I honestly can't get my head around that perspective.

I get that some people have wonderful sibling relationships and want that for their children, but equally, plenty of people don't get on with their siblings at all. Reading these threads sometimes, one would think that only children are facing a fate worse than death, whereas the reality is that most are every bit as happy and well balanced as the next kids. Only children really are not doomed to lonely, miserable childhoods! On the contrary, the research on this subject (as opposed to random anecdotes) shows that, on balance, they do rather well.

Of course, if the OP feels that she will be desperately unhappy in her relationship because of this, and that she won't be able to get past the resentment that she feels towards her husband, then fair enough, she might be right to divorce him. However, she should be clear that she is making that decision for her own happiness and not for the benefit of the child. And she should consider very carefully whether seeing her existing child for only half the week if he decides to go for 50:50 custody will have an impact on her happiness that no amount of additional children will adequately make up for.

billy1966 · 25/10/2021 19:14

OP,

He is entitled to change his mind about having more children but so are you.

This would be a deal breaker for many, and better sooner rather than later.

I think he has been honest and so must you be.
I don't think you will get over this.
It is just a compromise too far.

Such a pity, but 50% of marriages do end in divorce.

Hopefully you will meet someone else and have more children.

Nothing is guaranteed in life, but it is sounds definite if you remain with him.

I have two friends who have only children.

They are great kids and I don't think it has been an issue particularly for the kids, they both have a dog and are very happy, well adjusted, kind kids.

However, both of my friends had unexplained secondary fertility, surprisingly common apparently.

They both still grieve quietly, many years later.

It has been their single life regret, even though it was not their choice.

So some people will move on and get over it, but others definitely wouldn't.

You need to decide which are you.

I think moving so far away from your family is a sacrifice too far, considering that he has now come to this decision.

Again, this is also something for you to reflect upon.

Going forward, should you stay together, you truly will have sacrificed a huge amount for this man.

Throughabushbackwards · 25/10/2021 19:31

Completely agree* with Alexa:*
*
...*she should consider very carefully whether seeing her existing child for only half the week if he decides to go for 50:50 custody will have an impact on her happiness that no amount of additional children will adequately make up for.

Throughabushbackwards · 25/10/2021 19:32

Bold fail. Sorry.

LittleBearPad · 25/10/2021 19:53

Well let’s assume he wasn’t the primary person waking up; this time he may not have to wake up at all if OP does all waking. Plus OP says DD has been quite an easy baby. So it’s all a bit pathetic

Joystir59 · 25/10/2021 20:04

I think if the OP's current home life with existing child and DP is a happy one she'd be bonkers to throw that away because she wants another child! Why? She has already had the incredible experience of conceiving bearing birthing and parenting a child. Why is repeating that experience so very important?

LittleBearPad · 25/10/2021 20:07

@Joystir59

Because it is.

There’s no rhyme or reason for wanting another child but as plenty of posters have said in this thread it’s visceral.

I vaguely thought about a third. DH wasn’t keen and I wasn’t that fussed. But the second was a different story. Happily he was on the same page.

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