To have left a 23year old at 3am away from home?

[MinibusLift]

I've nc as outing.

I have a minibus, for the price of the fuel and a Premier Inn room I am happy to collect my children and their friends and drop them at festivals/night clubs/stadiums etc.

I've been doing this for a few years before covid and have started again now never had an issue, occasionally haven't picked everyone I dropped off as they have decided not to come home.

On Friday I picked up 12, with my DD the youngest at 18 and then going up to 25.
I don't get involved in the organising just tell my children how much it will cost (£90 this time) and then I pick them up, drop them where they want to go and then pick them all back up at a pre agreed time. I, and my children are very clear that I won't hang around, like a pre booked taxi I leave at a set time.

Saturday morning 3am I go to pick them all up, one of mine had already texted to say he was staying in the city so I was expecting 11, but only 10 arrive.

I'm told *Alan has decided to stay with my son as he isn't ready to go home, apparently his sister tried to convince him but you can't argue with drunk people.

So I take the 10 back (about 2hours drive) and drop them home. At 8am I am woken up by Alan's mum asking why the fuck I'd left her son in the city and that he is stuck 2 hours from home with no money and needs to be at work at 10am and demanding I go and pick him up, finishing that no mother should leave someone else's son behind.

Was IBU to leave him?

(Before someone asks why I do it I'm studying and a quiet hotel room followed by a couple of hours of silent sleep in a bed on my own more than makes up for the driving)

I find it strange he was planning to come back 3am sat then stays all weekend in the city
Do you? Why? What's wrong with a bit of youthful spontaneity?

Why didn’t he plan that in the first place
Because weekends are for fun, & plans change.

And mum hasn’t a clue how he is or how he’s getting back
Why does she need a clue about how he is? Is his health endangered if he doesn't check in with mummy on a daily basis?
Why does she need to know how he's getting back? He's not been raised like Alan, & is an adult who can navigate his own way home.

Or am I sounding like Alan’s mum
Um ... yeah! Sorry :)

Nope. Not your fault. Please don’t take him or his sister again if Mummy thinks it’s your job to round them up. £7.50 for travel for a night out - they are sooo lucky!

Just to be clear OP didn't leave Alan, he decided he didn't want a lift. He wasn't missing which I personally think is a different scenario. Alan was with her son who was staying

I actually agree a little bit with @blondeshavemorefun. I would actually be concerned if a housemate or friend went for a night out supposed to be coming home at 3am and then didn't home for 2 nights, knowing they didn't have accomodation booked. I would be worried if DP did this. He doesn't have anything with him, a phone charger, a spare change of pants.

Hopefully he is with friends but I think if he's living in Ops house he should be a bit more clear about what is going on. Things can happen especially when we are drunk and it is therefore important that people know when to worry. If he plans to stay the whole weekend fine but I would expect a 'Hi mum, I am staying at a friend's house so will be back Monday afternoon.'

This is so weird, how is his mum even involved at 23?! Crazy.

@Waahingwashingwashing

He’s an adult. And his plans have changed 🤷🏼‍♀️ He doesn’t have to tell his mum.

Are your kids young @Blondeshavemorefun? It’s hard to understand how it changes and it’s hard to put yourself in the position of a parent to an adult when yours are young.

All I can say is. Do you tell your parents where you’re going every day, what you’re doing, if your plans change?

Yes she’s 4

No I don’t tell my Parents where I am every day as don’t live with them

But when I did yes I would say staying at xxx house be back tomorrow etx

It’s polite

But I’m obv in the minority

But agree op shouldn’t have stayed for Alan or her son tho he told her

But he told his mum he wasn’t coming home?

@Stringsnthings

Just to be clear OP didn't leave Alan, he decided he didn't want a lift. He wasn't missing which I personally think is a different scenario. Alan was with her son who was staying

I actually agree a little bit with @blondeshavemorefun. I would actually be concerned if a housemate or friend went for a night out supposed to be coming home at 3am and then didn't home for 2 nights, knowing they didn't have accomodation booked. I would be worried if DP did this. He doesn't have anything with him, a phone charger, a spare change of pants.

Hopefully he is with friends but I think if he's living in Ops house he should be a bit more clear about what is going on. Things can happen especially when we are drunk and it is therefore important that people know when to worry. If he plans to stay the whole weekend fine but I would expect a 'Hi mum, I am staying at a friend's house so will be back Monday afternoon.'

@Stringsnthings. This

You explain better then me

Yes son can stay out but nice to let op know not going to be home for now 3 nights

But the OPs son hasn’t gone missing. He texted to say he was staying out & was in contact with her the following day.

But on the other, he has paid for you to take him home so it's a bit different from a normal favour from a parent

eh if he wasn't there at the agreed time that's not the ops fault.

@Shelby2010 OP says she expects she won't see him till Monday. He hasn't said either which way. As I said he doesn't have anything with him. I also probably wouldn't not get a lift if my mum had come a 4 hr round trip and got up at 3am, even if she was giving 10 others a lift!

@Blondeshavemorefun

I find it strange he was planning to come back 3am sat then stays all weekend in the city

Why didn’t he plan that in the first place

And mum hasn’t a clue how he is or how he’s getting back

Or am I sounding like Alan’s mum 😂

He's an adult with his own income and ability to decide what he wants to do. He does check in but details are scant. So he messaged to say he wasn't coming home on Sat morning and I had a second message saying he didn't know when he'd be back then I didn't hear from him again until today when he said he was heading home and can I put the hot water on before I leave for work.

To the pp that said about accommodation, there appears to always be a house party or a sofa to sleep on, although I think there is very little sleeping. As for the clean pants, my days of being concerned about such issues are long over.

To the pp that said about accommodation, there appears to always be a house party or a sofa to sleep on, although I think there is very little sleeping. As for the clean pants, my days of being concerned about such issues are long over.

Rats, Minibus.
I was kinda hoping we hadn't heard from you for a while because you were busy sending snotty texts & increasingly hysterical voicenotes to Alan's mum, accusing Alan of leading your lost boy astray ... no?

- some one actually posted to enquire about your adult son's pants? Why were they thinking about a young man's pants? Why are they expecting you to think about your grown son's pants?

@ChargingBuck

- some one actually posted to enquire about your adult son's pants? Why were they thinking about a young man's pants? Why are they expecting you to think about your grown son's pants?

He doesn't have anything with him, a phone charger, a spare change of pants

That was the post although I am certain he has a method of charging his phone!

@ChargingBuck that was me. It was a bit tongue in cheek. I obviously wasn't expecting OP to message her son and ask if he has pants, but I would be a bit worried about someone who spent a whole weekend in a city without any plan to, and decided to do that in the middle of the night when they are drunk.

I would be worried if someone I lived with went out on a Friday, messaged on Saturday morning and then didn't come home till Monday. That's disrespectful and not particularly safe behaviour. If you read my post you will see I think it's perfectly fine for him to do what he likes but he should be in communication with the people he lives with. If something happens to him, which does happen with drunk 20 year olds no one would know when to worry. I think there's a balance to be had, and just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they can do what they like and ask their parents to put the hot water on.

There's a balance to be had between being worried about an adult who chose to not get a lift at 3am, but is in contact with you, and being worried about an adult who has sent 2 brief messages on Saturday and doesn't appear till Monday.

In my experience, 23-year-olds are very resourceful in finding ways to charge their phones! I have one who is currently living at home after recently finishing a Masters, she goes away often at weekends to parties or visit university friends, I have no idea what her social calendar is because she's, you know, an adult who has spent the last 5 years living away from home and is perfectly capable of navigating big cities and using public transport.

Knowing whether she is going to be in for dinner is my only requirement as I hate food wastage…

Rightho @StringsnThings - didn't see your actual post, hence confusion, also hilarity sorry :)

I think the son has been in touch though. OP is certainly totally unworried. She knew he'd changed the plan to get back sometime today.

As I said @thing47, fine to go away, fine to spend the whole weekend partying. But to send a text on Saturday morning to say your not coming home and reappear on Monday is a bit disrespectful, and it would be perfectly normal to be concerned about someone in that situation

I wouldn't have behaved like that when I was at my parents house at 23. There's a reason I moved out at 18 because I liked the freedom, but when I came home for the holidays I wouldn't have behaved like I lived alone. Its courtesy to the people you live with, and for your own safety, to keep them a bit more regularly updated

Plus I definitely got stranded without a charger many times!

@StringsnThings

As I said *@thing47*, fine to go away, fine to spend the whole weekend partying. But to send a text on Saturday morning to say your not coming home and reappear on Monday is a bit disrespectful, and it would be perfectly normal to be concerned about someone in that situation

I wouldn't have behaved like that when I was at my parents house at 23. There's a reason I moved out at 18 because I liked the freedom, but when I came home for the holidays I wouldn't have behaved like I lived alone. Its courtesy to the people you live with, and for your own safety, to keep them a bit more regularly updated

Plus I definitely got stranded without a charger many times!

Sometimes it's easy to miss the humour amongst the genuinely batty posts (like imo the one suggesting I should have called him mum)

However I disagree with you on respect. Firstly it is his home, he contributes, I view him as a lodger. We certainly have house rules but ones that we all abide by as adults. He can come and go as he pleases, I do not worry about him when he is absent as worry will not have any influence on the outcome. Plus I'm sure I'd hear from his siblings if his insta wasn't updated, then I might be concerned

Alan is a grown man. YADNBU

He’s an adult! Absolutely NBU!

16:17Isabellabasil if you look at it from that point of view then, as a paid service she has absolutely no responsibility to go and find him and drag him in to the bus, I'm pretty sure if I pre booked an Uber they wouldn't come begging me to get in

Pantless and now jobless Alan can be found frequenting the highway of life driving his own minibus looking for work and clean pants avoiding the wrath of mum..

YANBU. He's a bloody adult and can make his own decisions. His mum needs to butt out. I was planning my wedding at that age!