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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Suddenly excluded from friendship group

281 replies

timelord92 · 24/10/2021 10:33

Me and my partner met at a sports activity and met a lot of like minded people along the way who we started going to other activities with such as camping, meals out, parties, etc. We have done this for about 7 years with about 10 people with their partners too.

We have 2 young children so havent been able to get out and about as much as we were able to before kids but we do still go with everyone when we can make it.

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with but i've always invited when I've organised something as I don't like anyone being excluded. Everything was always fine.

One of the girls organised an afternoon tea and while there someone mentioned being excited about going to Sarah's 30th birthday meal in a few weeks. This is the first I'd heard about it but i didn't say anything and Sarah didn't look ashamed or anything. I just let it go. I think I was too shocked to say anything and didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone else.

Then someone got in touch with my DP asking if he was going on David's stag do (Sarah's partner - who we both met at our original sporting activity) as he will book the room for the 2 of them. We hadn't heard anything about it. We got given a card with the date of the wedding but haven't received the actual official invite. My DP was then added to this stag group but my partner doesn't want to go as he feels like he wasn't wanted in the first place.

I thought if there's a stag do then there must be a hen too and when I asked someone, there was a hen organised and one of our other friends is bridesmaid and is organising the room/hotel for that so I got the feeling we were being purposely excluded.

I've logged on to Facebook this morning and Sarah has put up loads of pictures of her 30th birthday meal with everyone there apart from us.

My DP has been friends with 3 of the fellas who went to it for 30 odd years but they didn't say anything although they might have assumed that we were invited.

My question now tho is what do we do now? We are still invited to events from everyone else which is good but I don't want to see Sarah and David now and they always go to these events. My natural reaction is not to want to go cos they are there but that is being quite childish. On the other hand I don't want to speak to them either. The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude.

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not. I'm thinking not but should we take the higher ground and not be like them?

OP posts:
Silverswirl · 24/10/2021 15:48

My passive side would say you don’t like her and she doesn’t like you and that it’s ok to not invite each other to personal birthdays and hen do’s and just take the higher ground.
My aggressive side would be starting a very clever and sly campaign to eventually exclude her from the group by making everyone slowly realise what a test she is.

Silverswirl · 24/10/2021 15:48

Twat not test

FallingStar21 · 24/10/2021 15:48

@Squirrelblanket

You've said you don't get along with her so I don't know why you expect to be invited to her 30th or hen party. As long as you still get invited to the whole group events I don't see the issue. I wouldn't invite somebody that I didn't on with to my birthday party either. 🤷🏻‍♀️
THIS
category12 · 24/10/2021 15:52

Hope you've got some brasso for that halo, @FTstepmum

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 24/10/2021 15:56

My aggressive side would be starting a very clever and sly campaign to eventually exclude her from the group by making everyone slowly realise what a test she is.

Someone you don't like doesnt invite you to their 30th, which you wouldn't attend anyway, and you start a campaign to exclude them from the whole group.

You know that would make you the twat right?

FTstepmum · 24/10/2021 16:04

@category12

Hope you've got some brasso for that halo, *@FTstepmum*
Of course. I stocked up when lockdown started Halo Wink
QueenDanu · 24/10/2021 16:07

@category12

Hope you've got some brasso for that halo, *@FTstepmum*
Bit harsh! No halo here but i would do the same as @ftstepmum , but im a bit of a people pleaser and v non confrontational. I would never attempt to exclude somebody from a group. I dont need everybody in a group to adore me. But sadly some do because it has happened to me twice. I have been excluded from groups i have every right to be in though.

I think sometimes, somebody casts you in the role of their enemy and just sets out to exclude you to make their own pisition in the group stronger.

It might very well work from what ive seen, but its not how i would feel comfortable operating.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 24/10/2021 16:07

who I just can’t get along with

Fair enough.

What is not fair enough is to expect invitations to her birthday party.

georgarina · 24/10/2021 16:13

These threads are really annoying because people intentionally fail to understand what OP is talking about.

It seems like you wouldn't have a problem with Sarah if she wasn't off with you - and now she's publicly excluded you from events where she's inviting the whole group.

Could you organise a group activity soon so you don't feel like you're being edged out of the group?

category12 · 24/10/2021 16:14

Bit harsh! No halo here but i would do the same as @ftstepmum , but im a bit of a people pleaser and v non confrontational. I would never attempt to exclude somebody from a group.

But it's not excluding people from a group. The group continues, and other social gatherings and other invitations are going on, which are all open to the OP.

I think it's really cheeky to expect to be invited to a hen party or significant birthday.

washerdrier · 24/10/2021 16:15

I think do continue to invite them.

Most importantly dont discuss this with anyone else in the group because you'll be seen as a gossip and trying you get people onside. Pretend you haven't noticed. Carry on with your life

ivykaty44 · 24/10/2021 16:16

If you want the group of friends to continue - then just invite everyone as it makes it easier for the other 7 couples, who you are friends with

if you start doing what this couple have done you may it difficult for everyone and then the group may become fractioned - though it may anyway.

if this Sarah makes a beeline to talk to you exchange the briefest of greetings and then make your excuses - no need to engage with her

BlueMongoose · 24/10/2021 16:20

Sometimes one person can poison others against you very subtly and sweetly, even when you have known and supported the others for years longer. Sometimes there's no working out why. I tried for years to keep on good terms with a group with one such relative-newcomer in it. In the end, TBH I gave up. I left the group.

I don't think it's 'right' than she was able to do it, but in the end, she wasn't giving up, it made the whole thing hard work just trying to keep friendly and act as if it wasn't happening, and the stress was bad for me. My old 'friends' didn't seem bothered (she is a very convincing individual who knows exactly what to do to please people she wants on side, and some people are a bit cowardly when it comes to standing up for their 'friends') so I don't bother keeping up with them much either. If they want or need me, they know I'm here, I have said as much. But it's up to them now to contact me on an individual basis.

QueenDanu · 24/10/2021 16:21

@ftstepmum was saying that if it was a large gathering she'd invite everybody and i agree with her take.

My goal is always harmonious cohesive inclusion in a group, and i want to feel safe in that context.

I just dont want to be party to excluding somebody else, even if, ironically, they'd do it to me. :-(

It isnt about self righteousness!!! I need to feel at peace with the way i react to whats going on.

category12 · 24/10/2021 16:24

@queendanu I'd agree with FTstepmum and you if it was a more general occasion - but not with it being a hen party and special birthday.

Lunificent · 24/10/2021 16:24

Why don’t you like her? When you’re out a group event, why does she make a point of coming over to talk to you?

Animood · 24/10/2021 16:43

You didn't get invited to events by people you don't like... and this is a problem because...???

MichelleScarn · 24/10/2021 16:50

@Animood

You didn't get invited to events by people you don't like... and this is a problem because...???
And you don't want to go to, and would not go to...!
LakieLady · 24/10/2021 18:17

@Cantstopthewaves

Definitely keep going to group get-togethers. Why let one couple push you out? No chance. You'd be playing into Sarah's hands! I'd smile sweetly at group events at chat and enjoy myself like I always did. I'd also invite everyone to any events I organised. This will really play with her mind. She will probably hope she's excluded so she can bitch about you and try to turn the others against you so don't give her space to do so.
I agree with this.

Although that's partly because I get a perverse pleasure from being nice to people who are nasty to me. Grin

LegoVsFoot · 24/10/2021 18:21

Definitely keep going to group get-togethers. Why let one couple push you out? No chance. You'd be playing into Sarah's hands!
I'd smile sweetly at group events at chat and enjoy myself like I always did.
I'd also invite everyone to any events I organised. This will really play with her mind.
She will probably hope she's excluded so she can bitch about you and try to turn the others against you so don't give her space to do so.

Another vote for this approach. Don't retaliate. Make it her problem, and her silly behaviour, and her lack of manners. Join all the other activities as you always have.

Notsurewheretogo · 24/10/2021 18:25

This is so confusing.

You are the partner of her fiancé's friend. She hasn't invited you to her birthday or hen do.

You were invited to the wedding. But I can't work out where you are going, can't go or refusing to because she hasn't invited you to her hen party.

Its really obvious to everyone you don't like her. Of course it is.

Just one of those things.

If you were doing something for you birthday I wouldn't invite her. If its your dps birthday, and he is inviting his friends and partners, then she would be invited as the partner of your dps friend.

You may be a larger group of friends but dynamics in groups are all different. To her, you are simply the partner of her partners friend. That's fine.

Americano75 · 24/10/2021 18:59

@Eggsdancing

OP, you sound quite young and a little bit insecure. You need to widen your friendship circle considerably and make friends with lots of different types of people and stop depending on this one group of people to meet your needs socially

eugh i knew this was going to come up. This is bollox, getting excluded at any age or by any group of people you associate as your friends is hurtful and troubling. Ops age is irrelevant.

💯 agree, I'm in my 40s and can confirm it's still pretty horrible.
PeterIsACockwomble · 24/10/2021 19:04

I'd feel bad about not inviting them as they are friends with everyone

In that case, invite them. Or don't. It isn't a big deal either way. It sounds as if it's probably time to detach yourself a bit from this claustrophobic group and make some new friends. DC are a good way to do this.

Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 19:56

Most importantly dont discuss this with anyone else in the group because you'll be seen as a gossip and trying you get people onside. Pretend you haven't noticed. Carry on with your life

yes this a million times over, never trust any member of a group in these situations as it gets carried back and you will be gossip fodder.

BrilloPaddy · 24/10/2021 20:05

It sounds really hurtful OP, I was once in a group of old school friends and one seemed particularly determined to freeze me out. We hadn't exactly been friends but there was never rhyme or reason for it. No one else said a word, even when it got obvious, and I think that's what upset me the most. I backed off and let them get on with it. Life's too short for Queen Bees and their behaviour.

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