Suddenly excluded from friendship group

[timelord92]

Me and my partner met at a sports activity and met a lot of like minded people along the way who we started going to other activities with such as camping, meals out, parties, etc. We have done this for about 7 years with about 10 people with their partners too.

We have 2 young children so havent been able to get out and about as much as we were able to before kids but we do still go with everyone when we can make it.

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with but i've always invited when I've organised something as I don't like anyone being excluded. Everything was always fine.

One of the girls organised an afternoon tea and while there someone mentioned being excited about going to Sarah's 30th birthday meal in a few weeks. This is the first I'd heard about it but i didn't say anything and Sarah didn't look ashamed or anything. I just let it go. I think I was too shocked to say anything and didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone else.

Then someone got in touch with my DP asking if he was going on David's stag do (Sarah's partner - who we both met at our original sporting activity) as he will book the room for the 2 of them. We hadn't heard anything about it. We got given a card with the date of the wedding but haven't received the actual official invite. My DP was then added to this stag group but my partner doesn't want to go as he feels like he wasn't wanted in the first place.

I thought if there's a stag do then there must be a hen too and when I asked someone, there was a hen organised and one of our other friends is bridesmaid and is organising the room/hotel for that so I got the feeling we were being purposely excluded.

I've logged on to Facebook this morning and Sarah has put up loads of pictures of her 30th birthday meal with everyone there apart from us.

My DP has been friends with 3 of the fellas who went to it for 30 odd years but they didn't say anything although they might have assumed that we were invited.

My question now tho is what do we do now? We are still invited to events from everyone else which is good but I don't want to see Sarah and David now and they always go to these events. My natural reaction is not to want to go cos they are there but that is being quite childish. On the other hand I don't want to speak to them either. The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude.

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not. I'm thinking not but should we take the higher ground and not be like them?

A 30th birthday party and somebody’s Hen Night are not “common events” they are something personal and celebrated with those that they are closest to. OP doesn’t like her and it’s probably obvious to her. Why on Earth WOULD she want her at her birthday and Hen?

And on top of all that, Sarah DID invite her and her husband (and possibly whole family) to her wedding and now OP is considering throwing the invitation back in her face as some sort of revenge. Does that sound like the type of person you’d go out of your way to include to your personal event?

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I don't understand the differentiation between 'personal' events and just events. Aren't they all personal if you're the organiser? Why is the Op invited to the wedding, which seems pretty personal, but not the hen night? Perhaps the Op needs to be given the instruction booklet so that she doesn't feel hurt by the push me/pull me dynamics of this group!

@SoniaFouler

A 30th birthday party and somebody’s Hen Night are not “common events” they are something personal and celebrated with those that they are closest to. OP doesn’t like her and it’s probably obvious to her. Why on Earth WOULD she want her at her birthday and Hen?

And on top of all that, Sarah DID invite her and her husband (and possibly whole family) to her wedding and now OP is considering throwing the invitation back in her face as some sort of revenge. Does that sound like the type of person you’d go out of your way to include to your personal event?

I think it’s a shame that the OP hasn’t been able to comment on the feedback she has got on this thread. It indicates to me someone who is emotionally rigid and who doubles down and becomes entrenched and defensive which is not an emotionally constructive way to live.

OP has a choice now - to cool her hostility I order to keep her and her DH part of the wider group.

She has been invited to the wedding with a save the date - but may well find it doesn’t get followed up, becomes an evening invitation or that the seating plan will speak volumes.

I hope that OP can look at the bigger picture and adapt her thinking and feelings for the greater good of preserving her DH 30 year friendships ….

Had something a bit like this with someone.

I always took the high moral ground but it did eventually come through that I was unhappy after one thing too many. Also i finally didn’t invite her to my birthday one years

In the end she got told by the others and all ok now. I don’t especially expect to be invited to her own things like birthdays, but it was a case of “you can’t just plan group get togethers without Gertrude”.

^^ because people’s time is limited (all parents) and they want to see us both

I think that there are push/pull dynamics with Sarah but the OP would be wise to consider her response in light of the wider group and how she will fall into the trap of alienating herself if she doesn’t rise above it.

I don't understand the differentiation between 'personal' events and just events. Aren't they all personal if you're the organiser?

No.

Event to celebrate an individual's birthday or hen night is for and about the individual.

An night out for the people that go to a certain group is for and about everyone in the group, no matter who organises it.

A wedding is usually a much larger affair than a hen night or a birthday, so people that aren't the nearest and dearest get invited, and it's about two people, not just one. It's still personal, but it would be odd if everyone that is going to the wedding also went to the hen night...

That's one extra person to the birthday do and one extra person to the hen night, not exactly earth shattering when you're part of a familiar group.

@Dacquoise

That's one extra person to the birthday do and one extra person to the hen night, not exactly earth shattering when you're part of a familiar group.

An extra person who doesn’t like the person whose birthday and Hen Party it is.

@Dacquoise

That's one extra person to the birthday do and one extra person to the hen night, not exactly earth shattering when you're part of a familiar group.

I don't think anyone has said the number of people is the issue here, have they?

@DFOD

I think that there are push/pull dynamics with Sarah but the OP would be wise to consider her response in light of the wider group and how she will fall into the trap of alienating herself if she doesn’t rise above it.

Yep. Nothing will ensure exclusion from the group faster than OP becoming needy or demanding over this. It's only events very personal to Sarah that she's been excluded from.

OP,

I would let this go.
It was her birthday, she didn't want you there, nor her Hen.

Leave it go.

I think by not rising to the bait of this you give yourself space.

These are your husbands old friends, important to him.

Definitely work on developing separate friendships from this group.

Dilute their importance to you.

The most important thing is not to take any rash stand.

Just don't invite her to future events you organise

@timelord92
Hey, I know it's not nice, proper bitchy really. Have you tried asking one of the other women? Someone must know something

To be blunt, could it be that you just didn't make 'the cut' for either of her 2 events?

Just don't invite her to future events you organise

and that just further divides and segregates the group.

Ask other friends in the group what they thought about it, just to get their perspective.
But at the end of the day, don't make a big deal out of it. You don't like her so you don't need to invite her to anything now. I think that's pretty simple.

Ask other friends in the group what they thought about it, just to get their perspective

no, I wouldn't do that. I think speaking up in these situations doesn't get you anywhere, people just use it as gossip fodder. Dignified silence and give them nothing. You make it a bigger issue by addressing it.

I had a wide friend group through a shared interest with my husband and attended social events etc but once I had kids the invites dwindled and one girl actually said (after not inviting us to the party after her wedding) ‘oh I keep forgetting about you two’. She lived two doors away but I think genuinely meant no harm, we just didn’t mean that much and were at a different stage (she had no kids at that stage). Forward on ten years and her husband died suddenly leaving her with a couple of kids. I wave when I pass and didn’t attend the funeral - not out of any ill will but we know where we are/were with them and there’s no point in pretending otherwise.

I’d say play her at her own game. Don’t invite her to anything personal of yours or your hubbys. As long as she does include you in the bigger group invites, do the same. I’d also be very watchful of everyone else who knew about their events but didn’t say anything to you, it wouldn’t surprise me if they were told to keep it quiet and they didn’t think to intervene.

Take the higher ground. Invite them to things you arrange as it’s also a friend of your husband. However, next time you are excluded make a point of saying something to someone else in the group. She could be saying she invites you but you don’t bother turning up.

With regards to what to do now after reading the replies on here. In all honesty I would rather leave them all to it and when we get invited to joint events, I'd rather go when they cant make it and in the mean time spend one on one time with the people I like more and build up a different network of people outside of the group to build my social network. The only issue is my DP being good friends with some of them that if I don't go to events my DP may lose touch with them. I suppose he could go on his own but I know he prefers me to be with him than when I leave him to it.

If I was to organise things again I would still invite them as I know I would feel bad for not inviting them. As for it being there personal events it does sting a bit but more cos everyone apart from us has been invited and is going. Fair enough tho it is up to them who to have there. It's just the fact that no one else has mentioned it makes me think I'm not thought of anymore.

This is the problem with friendship groups. There may be people within that group that don't actually get on and wouldn't be friends outside the group - but for some reason they still expect to be invited to every single event because they're part of the group!! It doesn't make sense. A group is just several individuals and if one individual wants a hen night or birthday party it's perfectly reasonable for her to invite the people she feels closest to, rather than every person in the group. You've already said you don't get along and things are awkward between you. There's no great mystery then, is there? There's clearly a personality clash between you and she probably didn't want someone on her hen night who she doesn't get along with. Maybe she's like me and she prefers smaller group events with close friends. You get on with everyone else so focus on those friendships and don't give Sarah and her fiance another thought. Just be breezily friendly whenever you see her.

We didn't get off on the right foot as when I first met her she was brought to the sports club by someone she worked with. As I was always friendly to the new starters she gravitated towards me straight away. After asking where I lived she realised it was near where she was and wanted a lift home. I don't remember how exactly it was said but It was said in such a way as I would have been a dick for refusing. For instance, It was expected then every week. In hindsight I should have said I couldn't but I guess I'm a bit of a people pleaser. It only stopped when I gave her daves number on a night out so he could give her a lift with him instead of with me as i was going with someone else. She started getting a lift with him after that and they subsequently became a couple.

As someone else said, there is a push and pull scenario between us. She can be nice one minute to me and a bit sly the next. For instance, She got my daughter a baby grow for free from her work which was a nice thing to do. Dave also helped us move house (we were giving him a fridge for his house) and Sarah offered me some pizza when my DP went to daves to help put the fridge in as I was having morning sickness at the time and couldn't help much. When I had the baby, Sarah and dave came to visit her and brought a present. There was suggestions from dave that him and my DP should play poker together but she made a point of indirectly saying that wouldn't be happening and was pushing him to leave.

However, on one of the camping trips I organised, everyone apart from one couple agreed to go for this weekend. But nearer the time the weather forecast was going to be rainy. Sarah and dsve messaged on the group chat that I'd set up for it that everyone should head to theirs instead of going camping cos of the weather. One of the more popular members of the group (and also one of my DP's friends) made a point of saying that the camping should still go ahead as planned. I was thankful for him for doing that. Dave and Sarah decided not to go anyway in the end which was fair enough.

Another time she was saying to me about how good it would be to have a girls only get together. I thought it was a good idea and a few weeks later I set up a group chat asking if anyone wanted to go to it. I went with a meal and asked when people were able to go, and where etc. I logged on later that night and Sarah had arranged where we were eating, had rang around and picked somewhere and was about to book it. That wound me up although maybe she was trying to help me out.

I'm not denying that she has tried to be friends with me and at the beginning I tried with her too. We both were interested in dancing and decided to go just the two of us. I just felt on edge around her tho and uncomfortable. She just wasn't someone where conversation flowed easily. I was still pleasant to her tho and included her in everything as I didn't like the idea of her being excluded esp from anything that I was organising. I don't know what else we could have done differently tho in the circumstances. It would have been easier to like her as she has similar interests but I just wasn't comfortable around her.