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Suddenly excluded from friendship group
281

timelord92 · 24/10/2021 10:33

Me and my partner met at a sports activity and met a lot of like minded people along the way who we started going to other activities with such as camping, meals out, parties, etc. We have done this for about 7 years with about 10 people with their partners too.

We have 2 young children so havent been able to get out and about as much as we were able to before kids but we do still go with everyone when we can make it.

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with but i've always invited when I've organised something as I don't like anyone being excluded. Everything was always fine.

One of the girls organised an afternoon tea and while there someone mentioned being excited about going to Sarah's 30th birthday meal in a few weeks. This is the first I'd heard about it but i didn't say anything and Sarah didn't look ashamed or anything. I just let it go. I think I was too shocked to say anything and didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone else.

Then someone got in touch with my DP asking if he was going on David's stag do (Sarah's partner - who we both met at our original sporting activity) as he will book the room for the 2 of them. We hadn't heard anything about it. We got given a card with the date of the wedding but haven't received the actual official invite. My DP was then added to this stag group but my partner doesn't want to go as he feels like he wasn't wanted in the first place.

I thought if there's a stag do then there must be a hen too and when I asked someone, there was a hen organised and one of our other friends is bridesmaid and is organising the room/hotel for that so I got the feeling we were being purposely excluded.

I've logged on to Facebook this morning and Sarah has put up loads of pictures of her 30th birthday meal with everyone there apart from us.

My DP has been friends with 3 of the fellas who went to it for 30 odd years but they didn't say anything although they might have assumed that we were invited.

My question now tho is what do we do now? We are still invited to events from everyone else which is good but I don't want to see Sarah and David now and they always go to these events. My natural reaction is not to want to go cos they are there but that is being quite childish. On the other hand I don't want to speak to them either. The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude.

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not. I'm thinking not but should we take the higher ground and not be like them?

OP's posts:
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ABCeasyasdohrayme · 24/10/2021 14:46

If it's reluctant or in anyway back-handed or bitchy, I'd probably say "Your tone suggests otherwise, dear Sarah. Be honest with yourself. I don't want to go where I'm not welcomed"

You would not say that at all 😂😂

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category12 · 24/10/2021 14:48

You're excluded from this couple's special events, not the entire social group's events. You don't have a right to go to her hen night or birthday party just because you're part of a larger social group.

Just go along to the things you're invited to and invite the people you want to your own.

Don't make it an issue and don't make people choose, and you'll be able to continue in the wider social group.

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PuppyMonkey · 24/10/2021 14:49

Also MN: you can't exclude one member of the group, that’s just mean.Grin

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/10/2021 14:54

These things are always messy.

The rest of the group will have noticed that you were excluded from the latest round of events, and will notice that you are not invited to the wedding. They may not know why - and in all honesty I would NOT ask them, as it's horribly awkward being put on the spot like that - but they will still have noticed.

Sarah has made her position clear now so I don't think you need to continue inviting her to personal events that you would only invite friends to. I think you SHOULD still go to other friends' events though - why let yourselves be pushed out by Sarah? - and just be coolly civil to her as required. You don't need to converse with her - learn some polite "closed responses" to questions she may ask, and learn how to excuse yourself gracefully from talking to her.

It's horrible to be excluded like this but let it go. It's not like you even thought you were friends in the first place, so really she's no loss.

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SoniaFouler · 24/10/2021 14:58

@PuppyMonkey

Also MN: you can't exclude one member of the group, that’s just mean.Grin

Grin I am also slightly amused that there’s another thread running asking if it’s unusual that the mother of a bride wasn’t invited to the hen do, and loads of posters saying it’s not unusual at all, and how they didn’t invite their mums and didn’t even think about inviting them, compared to this one where a non-relative from a group who OP clearly doesn’t like didn’t invite OP and that’s the lowest of the low in some eyes, and Sarah’s just a vindictive cow for not inviting her!
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MRex · 24/10/2021 15:00

@MichelleScarn

When they posted our provisional invite through the door for the wedding I sent her a message that we would save the date and would have went Cos they made a point of inviting us. I wouldn't want to go now

Wait, so you have been invited to the wedding? Is it really just that they see you as the partner of your dh and he's the main friend to them, given Sarah's dh and he have been friends for 30 years so you both get invited to things ie Daves bday, the wedding, he gets invited to Daves stag, but you won't get in invited to the Sarah focused things as you're not her friend?

So hang on, the title is about being excluded from a group. Now it turns out you're even invited to the wedding!?! Just not her private events of birthday and hen do. A woman you hate. Grow up FFS, there is no good reason for you to be there and she absolutely shouldn't be forced to invite you to everything.
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KTheGrey · 24/10/2021 15:03

You can always invite one or two couples for smaller get togethers ... or all except Mr and Mrs Sarah to a really bit getaway.

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SeasonFinale · 24/10/2021 15:03

@Eggsdancing

Op isn't being left out of group events. She is being left out of personal events of a person she doesn't like

if the group are there it's a group event.

No it isn't. I would assume as well as the group there are others there (non group). Pretty certain that Sarah will have others at her wedding!

The reality is OP is not excluded from the friendship group as per the title but not invited to private events arranged by one of the group.

Still go to group events but you can choose whether or not you include Sarah and partner in your private events the same way she has.
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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/10/2021 15:05

"Save the date" cards are not invitations.
There have even been threads on here where people have received a save the date notification, but not a subsequent invitation.

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MichelleScarn · 24/10/2021 15:10

I suppose it would depend was it a save the date or invitation?
Op calls it both?

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category12 · 24/10/2021 15:13

We are still invited to events from everyone else

So not excluded from the friendship group at all, in other words.

Just sulking and cutting off your nose to spite your face because you're not invited to a person you don't like's special birthday and hen night.

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FTstepmum · 24/10/2021 15:15

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

If it's reluctant or in anyway back-handed or bitchy, I'd probably say "Your tone suggests otherwise, dear Sarah. Be honest with yourself. I don't want to go where I'm not welcomed"

You would not say that at all 😂😂

What you mean to say is that you would not say that at all.

But I would. Or at least the essence of it.

I had younger years of being excluded, talked-over or sidelined.


It's bullying by omission. It has developed a confidence in me to challenge it.


The fact is, OP has never excluded Sarah, despite not being bezzies with her. That shows her maturity and acceptance.


Sarah, however, has purposefully excluded OP from two events. That shows her nastiness and divisiveness.
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MrsToothyBitch · 24/10/2021 15:15

I've got a you & Sarah dynamic with someone in my 5-friend group from VI form. Quite honestly OP, I can understand Sarah not inviting you to events she wants to enjoy. View it as a line in the sand- return the favour and stop hosting her back, giving her the opportunity to wreck your night. Stay polite at group events. I can guarantee people will know and will understand- as long as they know you'll both behave at things they host, they'll probably roll with it. If she's not as polite to you, that works in your favour too. If asked why you aren't attending /weren't at "Sarah's colonoscopy video screening " just say, very pleasantly- we aren't / weren't invited. Just let it hang. Or if you have/had a fortuitous clash or know about this event well enough in advance to make plans- just mention "we did/ we're doing/ we had planned X that night anyway".

My Sarah's friends with my friends. These friends are friends with both of us so we both get invited to "whole group" events organised by one of the others as a 5 or with partners etc. Sarah's made it clear that she is NOT my friend. She doesn't invite me to anything she organises, including a girls holiday. She's been quite rude to me in private. That's fine- I can understand her not inviting someone who so obviously annoys her but I'm always cheery back so she can't play the victim. Once we left school, I didn't host much in my early-mid 20s but now I'm older, I took it as a green light to exclude her from anything I host. Because, quite honestly, why should I go out of my way to be welcoming to someone who has been incredibly rude to me at an event I'm running for my enjoyment with my friends? Everyone gets it.

I get the moral high ground by always being polite when I do see her, always congratulating her if she posts an update on the group chat, and replying to group questions like- what time are we meeting, what's the postcode for X or Y restaurant to be helpful. Just do that to Sarah. My Sarah never thanks me or addresses me. It's easy to show someone up as the bitch they are when they're like that. Creeps me out when she asks after me though as I know she can't stand me! My only real issue with her is that she obviously doesn't like me and is so rude.

I've also just remembered that my mum refused to host her at my 18th birthday black tie do because Sarah had been really rude to HER when I had invited her to stuff/mum had given us group lifts etc too!

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category12 · 24/10/2021 15:17

Sarah, however, has purposefully excluded OP from two events. That shows her nastiness and divisiveness.

Oh come on, it's her bloody hen night and her 30th - specific special events, not general group events.

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FluffyBooBoo · 24/10/2021 15:18

If it's friendly, contrite and bridge-building, I'd be gracious and accept. And try to develop a courteous bond

But given that op had said they probably wouldn't have gone already due to childcare issues, then a refusal at that point would be awkward at best.

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ABCeasyasdohrayme · 24/10/2021 15:19

You would say "Your tone suggests otherwise, dear Sarah. Be honest with yourself. I don't want to go where I'm not welcomed" to someone issuing you an invite, that you basically asked for? 😂 it's such an MN thing to do, tell the op you would say or text X,Y or Z to someone when nobody in real life would ever say that.

The op is Sarah's friends friend, op hasn't been excluded. She doesn't get on with Sarah, she just wasn't invited.

Do you invite all of your friends friends to your parties? Where would it end?

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slashlover · 24/10/2021 15:20

So if I'm in a large group of friends then I always have to invite all of them to everything ever?

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ABCeasyasdohrayme · 24/10/2021 15:21

@slashlover

So if I'm in a large group of friends then I always have to invite all of them to everything ever?

Yes otherwise you're being en exclusionary, divisive, petty, childish, dick apparently.
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FTstepmum · 24/10/2021 15:26

@category12

Sarah, however, has purposefully excluded OP from two events. That shows her nastiness and divisiveness.

Oh come on, it's her bloody hen night and her 30th - specific special events, not general group events.

But still a very pointed exclusion, if everyone from the group was invited apart from OP.

Wouldn't some of you be bothered if the shoe was on the other foot?

Harmony, forbearance and unity in a group setting is important. Sarah's too selfish to see that. Our OP is probably lamenting that fact.
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Porcupineintherough · 24/10/2021 15:27

@category12

You're excluded from this couple's special events, not the entire social group's events. You don't have a right to go to her hen night or birthday party just because you're part of a larger social group.

Just go along to the things you're invited to and invite the people you want to your own.

Don't make it an issue and don't make people choose, and you'll be able to continue in the wider social group.

^^This.
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category12 · 24/10/2021 15:28

Pffft. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you invite someone you didn't like and who doesn't like you, to your hen night and special birthday?

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bigbeautwoman · 24/10/2021 15:35

Have you told anyone else that you aren’t keen on her? Maybe that someone told Sarah ?

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saraclara · 24/10/2021 15:40

@Squirrelblanket

You've said you don't get along with her so I don't know why you expect to be invited to her 30th or hen party. As long as you still get invited to the whole group events I don't see the issue. I wouldn't invite somebody that I didn't on with to my birthday party either. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That, really.

I would expect to be invited to a general get-together of the group, but not to a personal celebration like a 30th or a hen. To be honest I don't think anyone should be obliged to invite someone they dislike (who's not a close relative) to a hen, and if someone OPd on here about feeling forced to, she'd be told 'you celebration, your choice of guests'

So I'd carry on as normal. Your other friends are going to eventually notice and wonder why you're not invited, but I don't think you should put the cat among the pigeons, or you risk losing ther friendship too.
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TheAntiGardener · 24/10/2021 15:43

@Taoneusa

Sarah might not be being “rude” by interrupting Op and talking to the waitress over her. She might genuinely think she’s making the effort, but her boredom / resistance seeps out sideways and undermines her politeness.
I think I interrupt people I don’t gel with, as well, so I can sympathise. I sometimes find it hard to listen to people all the way to the end of their point, if I don’t have a rapport. Not so much rude as not good at faking it.

I’m sorry, but this is rude! If someone is so dull or not your cup of tea that you really can’t contain your boredom you should do them a favour and keep it short, sweet and civil.
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FTstepmum · 24/10/2021 15:46

@category12

Pffft. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you invite someone you didn't like and who doesn't like you, to your hen night and special birthday?

If it was a large gathering and Sarah was part of my central friendship group and aldo married to my DH's very close friend, yes I would invite her.

I'd do it for the greater good of the group - and over time try to address any obvious issues.

That's my personal truth and take on it. I know it's a counter-cultural stance and many others wouldn't agree.

OP, I do hope you find some peace about this situation. X
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