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Suddenly excluded from friendship group
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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 10:33

Me and my partner met at a sports activity and met a lot of like minded people along the way who we started going to other activities with such as camping, meals out, parties, etc. We have done this for about 7 years with about 10 people with their partners too.

We have 2 young children so havent been able to get out and about as much as we were able to before kids but we do still go with everyone when we can make it.

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with but i've always invited when I've organised something as I don't like anyone being excluded. Everything was always fine.

One of the girls organised an afternoon tea and while there someone mentioned being excited about going to Sarah's 30th birthday meal in a few weeks. This is the first I'd heard about it but i didn't say anything and Sarah didn't look ashamed or anything. I just let it go. I think I was too shocked to say anything and didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone else.

Then someone got in touch with my DP asking if he was going on David's stag do (Sarah's partner - who we both met at our original sporting activity) as he will book the room for the 2 of them. We hadn't heard anything about it. We got given a card with the date of the wedding but haven't received the actual official invite. My DP was then added to this stag group but my partner doesn't want to go as he feels like he wasn't wanted in the first place.

I thought if there's a stag do then there must be a hen too and when I asked someone, there was a hen organised and one of our other friends is bridesmaid and is organising the room/hotel for that so I got the feeling we were being purposely excluded.

I've logged on to Facebook this morning and Sarah has put up loads of pictures of her 30th birthday meal with everyone there apart from us.

My DP has been friends with 3 of the fellas who went to it for 30 odd years but they didn't say anything although they might have assumed that we were invited.

My question now tho is what do we do now? We are still invited to events from everyone else which is good but I don't want to see Sarah and David now and they always go to these events. My natural reaction is not to want to go cos they are there but that is being quite childish. On the other hand I don't want to speak to them either. The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude.

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not. I'm thinking not but should we take the higher ground and not be like them?

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pelosi · 27/10/2021 20:45

@hopeso

It's amazing how so many posters are being taken in by this Sarah. She is so obviously trying to drive a wedge in the group and push you out. The fact that you don't like her is a red herring. I think it's just a personality clash but she is definitely trying to undermine you.

Something similar happened to my in-laws. The daughter of a friend of theirs was getting married but they were only invited to the evening event. The rest of the group was invited all day. When my in-laws turned up, the rest of them asked why they hadn't come to the service and wedding breakfast and they said point blank that they hadn't been invited. Everyone was shocked and it certainly soured the relationship after that (one that was decades old) and it's more or less fizzled out now.

I would also be hurt by this because it seems like it's an all in or all out type of group. Now the fragmentation could begin to happen. I wouldn't bother inviting them to any personal events but at the same time, that can make the cracks bigger. If the others ask. why you're not going or didn't go to any of the personal events, just say you weren't invited. Leave it at that and don't go out of your way with her. She sounds jealous and like she wants to take over the group.
PS did anyone ask why you weren't at the 30th?

Time to nurture the relationships that really matter, OP.

So true,
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TheChiefJo · 27/10/2021 15:36

@FluffyBooBoo

🤣 She's got some impressive powers of influence.

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FluffyBooBoo · 27/10/2021 15:26

It's amazing how so many posters are being taken in by this Sarah

Yep. Hearing her side of the story has really suckered me in.... 😆

How on earth can we be taken in by someone when we have only heard the opposing viewpoint?

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WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 27/10/2021 14:18

If someone repeatedly turns down invitations to do stuff I stop inviting them. Maybe this is what’s happening here.

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MichelleScarn · 27/10/2021 07:44

@MRex

So your issues with her are that she wanted a lift, bought you pizza, didn't want to go camping in the rain, and that when you took over invites after she suggested a meal... she booked the meal. Get a fucking hold of yourself and shake hard, a bit of sense might pop out by mistake.

This. Op are you seeing things as a 'popularity contest'? One of the more popular members of the group (and also one of my DP's friends)
Re the camping and you're actually annoyed she took on the v v boring task of organising the meal out (that she suggested!) and saying that she's sly for doing so?
You don't like her, as you've said, that's fine. You know seem to be do offended that actually she probably doesn't like you either!
Re the poker as pp have said if one of my dh's friends wife had just had a baby and dh was trying to arrange a poker night I'd also tell him to put the brakes on a bit till things had settled for them!
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MRex · 27/10/2021 07:39

[quote ThumbWitchesAbroad]@MRex - I've read this differently to you, obviously
"There was suggestions from dave that him and my DP should play poker together but she made a point of indirectly saying that wouldn't be happening and was pushing him to leave."

I read it as though Dave was suggesting they play poker there and then, while Sarah chatted to @timelord92 - and Sarah instead pushed Dave to leave.

The OP will know which scenario is correct, so I think you calling her "obtuse" is a bit much.[/quote]
We all have different relationships, in mine DH got involved with the baby and it was a really important moment in our lives when he was born. Maybe it was all rather different for you, but it isn't about location, I believe many people wouldn't want their DH playing poker rather than staying involved with the baby in this scenario. Given that OP also criticised setting up a dinner (that had been Sarah's idea but she'd muscled in on by sending invites), it is hard to find the benefit of the doubt that OP actually thought about what was going on.

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LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/10/2021 06:27

@timelord92

To those satin fits odd to want to be included as they are personal to them. We have always been invited. For daves 30th meal which Sarah organised everyone had a great time and Sarah actually sat next to me. We were always invited but recently something has changed.

Maybe she's realised you don't like her or maybe she feels it's awkward between the two of you too and doesn't want to feel that at her personal events anymore.
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timelord92 · 27/10/2021 06:07

@hopeso

It's amazing how so many posters are being taken in by this Sarah. She is so obviously trying to drive a wedge in the group and push you out. The fact that you don't like her is a red herring. I think it's just a personality clash but she is definitely trying to undermine you.

Something similar happened to my in-laws. The daughter of a friend of theirs was getting married but they were only invited to the evening event. The rest of the group was invited all day. When my in-laws turned up, the rest of them asked why they hadn't come to the service and wedding breakfast and they said point blank that they hadn't been invited. Everyone was shocked and it certainly soured the relationship after that (one that was decades old) and it's more or less fizzled out now.

I would also be hurt by this because it seems like it's an all in or all out type of group. Now the fragmentation could begin to happen. I wouldn't bother inviting them to any personal events but at the same time, that can make the cracks bigger. If the others ask. why you're not going or didn't go to any of the personal events, just say you weren't invited. Leave it at that and don't go out of your way with her. She sounds jealous and like she wants to take over the group.
PS did anyone ask why you weren't at the 30th?

Time to nurture the relationships that really matter, OP.

I don't think anyone will ask why we weren't there as we have missed quite a few events since having kids so it wont be all that unusual us not going.

No one noticed about us not being at the 30th. Someone actually mentioned it tho about looking forward to it in front of me. So I think it's just assumed everyone was invited as usual.

Yes I'll build friendships with who I get on with better in the group and leave her to it.
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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/10/2021 23:03

@MRex - I've read this differently to you, obviously
"There was suggestions from dave that him and my DP should play poker together but she made a point of indirectly saying that wouldn't be happening and was pushing him to leave."

I read it as though Dave was suggesting they play poker there and then, while Sarah chatted to @timelord92 - and Sarah instead pushed Dave to leave.

The OP will know which scenario is correct, so I think you calling her "obtuse" is a bit much.

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hopeso · 26/10/2021 22:46

It's amazing how so many posters are being taken in by this Sarah. She is so obviously trying to drive a wedge in the group and push you out. The fact that you don't like her is a red herring. I think it's just a personality clash but she is definitely trying to undermine you.

Something similar happened to my in-laws. The daughter of a friend of theirs was getting married but they were only invited to the evening event. The rest of the group was invited all day. When my in-laws turned up, the rest of them asked why they hadn't come to the service and wedding breakfast and they said point blank that they hadn't been invited. Everyone was shocked and it certainly soured the relationship after that (one that was decades old) and it's more or less fizzled out now.

I would also be hurt by this because it seems like it's an all in or all out type of group. Now the fragmentation could begin to happen. I wouldn't bother inviting them to any personal events but at the same time, that can make the cracks bigger. If the others ask. why you're not going or didn't go to any of the personal events, just say you weren't invited. Leave it at that and don't go out of your way with her. She sounds jealous and like she wants to take over the group.
PS did anyone ask why you weren't at the 30th?

Time to nurture the relationships that really matter, OP.

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MRex · 26/10/2021 19:03

@timelord92 - think for just a second. She suggested your DH shouldn't be off playing poker while you're home with a baby. Your interpretation is whatever on earth you mean by "sly". Are you really so obtuse that you can't guess most women would appreciate someone who thinks that DH should have been home with you, and that she was actually trying only to be nice TO YOU?

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timelord92 · 26/10/2021 17:32

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I seem to remember that there is a colloquial meaning of sly that is not the standard meaning of "underhand, somewhat deceitful" - I think (could be wrong) that it was used to mean a user? Someone help me out here - anyway, my point is that the OP could be using "sly" in the colloquial sense that I can't remember properly, rather than the standard one.

Also I don't think you should keep inviting her along to stuff. Just stop. She's set the precedent - you will look desperate and people-pleasing if you keep inviting her.

Using sly probably wasn't the best way of putting it but yeah thats what I meant. A user rather than sly.
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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/10/2021 16:47

I seem to remember that there is a colloquial meaning of sly that is not the standard meaning of "underhand, somewhat deceitful" - I think (could be wrong) that it was used to mean a user? Someone help me out here - anyway, my point is that the OP could be using "sly" in the colloquial sense that I can't remember properly, rather than the standard one.

Also I don't think you should keep inviting her along to stuff. Just stop. She's set the precedent - you will look desperate and people-pleasing if you keep inviting her.

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Lokdok · 26/10/2021 13:55

Sarah doesn’t like you either! Get over it! She doesn’t have to invite you to her personal big life events, how entitled Hmm I’d stop inviting her to things out of courtesy now.

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Genegenieee · 26/10/2021 13:23

Her "sly" behaviour: She sounds like she made an effort with you, you rebuffed her repeatedly and have taken offence at (non existent) perceived slights - because you didn't like her.

You have taken her attempt to stop her DH having a poker night with your DH when you had a newborn as sly - ask yourself is there another way of looking at that??

She's not even allowed to chip in on organising a group night out - controlling much

So, eventually. She's realised what you think of her and not invited you. Your actions are impacting her DH's behaviour to your DH now too.

Time to step out of this now, stop considering yourself as victim and putting her into perpetrator role (for others reading, look at the drama triangle and transactional analysis)

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IntermittentParps · 26/10/2021 11:20

I think it's cutting off your nose to spite your face to not go to anything and lose this activity and your friends.
In your shoes I'd back off a little and keep going to things, but not proactively organise things any more.
Be friendly but cool to Sarah when you have to; otherwise, focus on the people who treat you better.

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DFOD · 26/10/2021 10:52

@Figgygal

So you’re not going to say anything to anyone and let yourself and your oh be slowly pushed out?
It’s going to be this big unspoken thing now don’t think people won’t have noticed your absence though I’d be thinking of my other friends differently if they allow this sort of isolating behaviour to happen unchallenged

The group haven’t left it unchallenged - it seems that the friends noticed the stag invite was missing and got that sorted - but it seems that the DH chose to flounce rather than playing the long game to maintain his friendships with the wider group - I would be pissed off if I was in the wider group and had gone out of my way to get the invite reinstated and for this to be rebuffed - need to be really clear that any issue is between Sarah and OP and not with the others - they don’t want to be drawn into or even be aware of this nonsense when out socialising.

Bit of a tight rope to navigate
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neverornow · 26/10/2021 10:52

Ok so it sounds like you both were once sort of friendly.
If I were in your shoes I would attempt to clear the air - acknowledge that maybe you both just don't 'click' but see if she will agree to keep it between you both and not let it affect the rest of the group. Agree to continue to invite each other to all events and get togethers for the sake of the whole group.

I was in a group with a queen Bee and went through a lot of this shit whereby she demoted me to the periphery. I gradually stopped trying with the whole group and I regretted it as I lost that social outlet. I'm sorry now that I didn't just tackle her head on and see if she would agree to us just being civil, and not letting it affect my place in the group.

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Oftenithinkaboutit · 26/10/2021 09:52

Your examples of her being “sly”

Really do not in any shape or form comes across as “sly” to me.

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ABCeasyasdohrayme · 26/10/2021 09:50

Op would have been absent anyway as she would have declined the invite.

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Figgygal · 26/10/2021 09:40

So you’re not going to say anything to anyone and let yourself and your oh be slowly pushed out?
It’s going to be this big unspoken thing now don’t think people won’t have noticed your absence though I’d be thinking of my other friends differently if they allow this sort of isolating behaviour to happen unchallenged

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sheenapunk · 26/10/2021 09:34

Forget asking Sarah and partner to anything again but put on a friendly face.

They've made it clear they don't care for you either.

Don't worry, not everyone likes everyone.

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Clymene · 26/10/2021 09:29

@MRex

So your issues with her are that she wanted a lift, bought you pizza, didn't want to go camping in the rain, and that when you took over invites after she suggested a meal... she booked the meal. Get a fucking hold of yourself and shake hard, a bit of sense might pop out by mistake.

Yep. She was new to the group and made multiple attempts to strike up a friendship with you which you rebuffed. And you're surprised she's decided not to invite you to her birthday or hen party?

Someone's at fault here and it's not sarah.
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starlight13 · 26/10/2021 09:10

Yes, take the higher ground op.
She either fancies your DP or is jealous of you in some way - or both!

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Blueink · 26/10/2021 02:16

Either someone said something or she realised herself u don’t like her so chose not to invite u

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