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Suddenly excluded from friendship group
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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 10:33

Me and my partner met at a sports activity and met a lot of like minded people along the way who we started going to other activities with such as camping, meals out, parties, etc. We have done this for about 7 years with about 10 people with their partners too.

We have 2 young children so havent been able to get out and about as much as we were able to before kids but we do still go with everyone when we can make it.

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with but i've always invited when I've organised something as I don't like anyone being excluded. Everything was always fine.

One of the girls organised an afternoon tea and while there someone mentioned being excited about going to Sarah's 30th birthday meal in a few weeks. This is the first I'd heard about it but i didn't say anything and Sarah didn't look ashamed or anything. I just let it go. I think I was too shocked to say anything and didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone else.

Then someone got in touch with my DP asking if he was going on David's stag do (Sarah's partner - who we both met at our original sporting activity) as he will book the room for the 2 of them. We hadn't heard anything about it. We got given a card with the date of the wedding but haven't received the actual official invite. My DP was then added to this stag group but my partner doesn't want to go as he feels like he wasn't wanted in the first place.

I thought if there's a stag do then there must be a hen too and when I asked someone, there was a hen organised and one of our other friends is bridesmaid and is organising the room/hotel for that so I got the feeling we were being purposely excluded.

I've logged on to Facebook this morning and Sarah has put up loads of pictures of her 30th birthday meal with everyone there apart from us.

My DP has been friends with 3 of the fellas who went to it for 30 odd years but they didn't say anything although they might have assumed that we were invited.

My question now tho is what do we do now? We are still invited to events from everyone else which is good but I don't want to see Sarah and David now and they always go to these events. My natural reaction is not to want to go cos they are there but that is being quite childish. On the other hand I don't want to speak to them either. The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude.

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not. I'm thinking not but should we take the higher ground and not be like them?

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ItsAllComingBackToMe · 24/10/2021 11:17

I'd look,at it that you aren't being excluded from the friendship group, you just haven't been invited to a party that someone you don't like and who doesn't like you has thrown.

She may have invited you to things in the past, but she's obviously decided not to now. Perhaps you may have had a enjoyable time but maybe she didn't.

Just decide to invite her or not invite her to things on the future at the time. Do what feels right. Don't turn this into a game you may not win.

I disagree with the poster that says the other group members will think she's a dick. They probably all know you don't like each other.

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needtogetfit21 · 24/10/2021 11:17

Like you OP I would find this uncomfortable and I would not have excluded one couple from these events for the sake of the group.

I think if you can manage it, then take the high ground. I wouldn't go out my way to invite her but if for example you put a group invite out on WhatsApp then I would continue to do that. And if it comes
Up with the others then do factually let them know you weren't invited.

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LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 24/10/2021 11:18

I don't think you can complain about her being childish for excluding you then retaliate by excluding her. It might create a rift in the group. Make a point of telling her you hope she enjoyed her party in front of the others and note their reactions.

However you decided you don't like her particularly and either the feeling is mutual or she has picked up on your negativity (these things are much more obvious than you may realise) and has decided she doesn't want to be around you as a result. That's not unreasonably from her perspective. If there wasn't an atmosphere before there certainly will be now if you let it escalate.

Just a query, you mention your DP has known some of them for 30 years - are you much older than them?

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Thepennysjustdropped · 24/10/2021 11:21

OP I've been in the Sarah position. Unlike her, I did invite 'you' to my special birthday meal, because I didn't feel I could exclude anyone. I found I was really dreading it because I couldn't relax in front of this person, but actually it was OK. But this discussion has been enlightening! It's a difficult situation - to feel obliged, or to risk offending by excluding someone.

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catfunk · 24/10/2021 11:22

You began your post by saying you don't like
Her and can't get along with her ..... so I don't understand why you're upset ?

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MRex · 24/10/2021 11:22

They don't like you, it doesn't matter why and not worth your time thinking about. If I were your DH, I'd be terribly sorry that a family event has come up and cancel the stag do, or make it clear he can go to the stag but not the wedding. Going forward invite them to any particular sports event they'd fit in with, but leave them out of private dinner at your house, birthdays and other smaller events. Then don't think any more about them. If they come to talk to you then smile brightly, say "how lovely to see you" and apologise that you must go to speak to X but will catch up later... And repeat.

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Hoesbeforebroes · 24/10/2021 11:23

You lots of mutual friends, it won't be hard to find out what's really going on. Just pick the right person to ask!

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ThePlantsitter · 24/10/2021 11:26

I mean, you were right not to like her then weren't you? It is upsetting but as long as you're still invited to group said arranged by people you do like, try to forget about it (and plan something really nice got the day of their wedding if it's going to feel horrible).

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Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 11:27

You've said you don't get along with her so I don't know why you expect to be invited to her 30th or hen party. As long as you still get invited to the whole group events I don't see the issue

The issue is that it is causing a wedge in the group in that the op is being left out of group events.
That is the problem with close families and friendship groups, all it takes is for 1 person to take a dislike to another or for tension to arise between 2 parties and it has a domino effect on the group in that it ends up creating a divide and side-taking etc. I've seen it so many times.
Probably why at 35 I remain lc with family and stay away from old peer groups as this type of behaviour the op describes I could have written myself. The fewer people you have in your life the better really and the more peace you'll have.

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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 11:27

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

I don't think you can complain about her being childish for excluding you then retaliate by excluding her. It might create a rift in the group. Make a point of telling her you hope she enjoyed her party in front of the others and note their reactions.

However you decided you don't like her particularly and either the feeling is mutual or she has picked up on your negativity (these things are much more obvious than you may realise) and has decided she doesn't want to be around you as a result. That's not unreasonably from her perspective. If there wasn't an atmosphere before there certainly will be now if you let it escalate.

Just a query, you mention your DP has known some of them for 30 years - are you much older than them?

No I am younger. I am near enough the same age as Sarah and save. My DP is 10 years older and so are some of the others.
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ABCeasyasdohrayme · 24/10/2021 11:29

The issue is that it is causing a wedge in the group in that the op is being left out of group events.

Op isn't being left out of group events. She is being left out of personal events of a person she doesn't like.

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FluffyBooBoo · 24/10/2021 11:31

Why would you want to go to an event to celebrate the birthday/upcoming wedding of people you don't like?

I do think it's entirely reasonable to only invite the people that you want to share these celebrations with. Why spoil your own day by including people that don't like you?

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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 11:32

@Thepennysjustdropped

OP I've been in the Sarah position. Unlike her, I did invite 'you' to my special birthday meal, because I didn't feel I could exclude anyone. I found I was really dreading it because I couldn't relax in front of this person, but actually it was OK. But this discussion has been enlightening! It's a difficult situation - to feel obliged, or to risk offending by excluding someone.

It's a weird situation as I am also sarah as I have or make the decision whether to invite them or not as its easier for me them not to be there.
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Paperplain · 24/10/2021 11:33

But you don't like her? Why would you want to go to her special birthday dinner or her hen night if you don't like her? That's bizarre and quite entitled.

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3luckystars · 24/10/2021 11:34

Just ignore it. Time will sort it out. Keep going to everything you are invited to and be happy and do not speak badly about them or let it get to you. Good luck.

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Chloemol · 24/10/2021 11:35

It’s rude of Sarah especially as you have always included them

But now you know you can invite accordingly. Something personal eg birthday or something dont invite

Group meal for just a catch up or something invite

But you don’t need to talk to her etc in between time

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Paperplain · 24/10/2021 11:35

And as far as I can tell you haven't been "suddenly excluded from the friendship group" - rather than someone you don't like hasn't invited you to a special birthday and her hen. A hen is usually just for those who are are close friends (and who actually like you!).

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Mufflette · 24/10/2021 11:36

Surely they've done you a favour? Now neither of you have to go inviting people you don't like to personal events but can continue being civil in group ones without disrupting things for everyone else. Not everyone likes each other, it's fine!

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Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 11:36

Op isn't being left out of group events. She is being left out of personal events of a person she doesn't like

if the group are there it's a group event.

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takenforgrantednana · 24/10/2021 11:36

@timelord92

Me and my partner met at a sports activity and met a lot of like minded people along the way who we started going to other activities with such as camping, meals out, parties, etc. We have done this for about 7 years with about 10 people with their partners too.

We have 2 young children so havent been able to get out and about as much as we were able to before kids but we do still go with everyone when we can make it.

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with but i've always invited when I've organised something as I don't like anyone being excluded. Everything was always fine.

One of the girls organised an afternoon tea and while there someone mentioned being excited about going to Sarah's 30th birthday meal in a few weeks. This is the first I'd heard about it but i didn't say anything and Sarah didn't look ashamed or anything. I just let it go. I think I was too shocked to say anything and didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone else.

Then someone got in touch with my DP asking if he was going on David's stag do (Sarah's partner - who we both met at our original sporting activity) as he will book the room for the 2 of them. We hadn't heard anything about it. We got given a card with the date of the wedding but haven't received the actual official invite. My DP was then added to this stag group but my partner doesn't want to go as he feels like he wasn't wanted in the first place.

I thought if there's a stag do then there must be a hen too and when I asked someone, there was a hen organised and one of our other friends is bridesmaid and is organising the room/hotel for that so I got the feeling we were being purposely excluded.

I've logged on to Facebook this morning and Sarah has put up loads of pictures of her 30th birthday meal with everyone there apart from us.

My DP has been friends with 3 of the fellas who went to it for 30 odd years but they didn't say anything although they might have assumed that we were invited.

My question now tho is what do we do now? We are still invited to events from everyone else which is good but I don't want to see Sarah and David now and they always go to these events. My natural reaction is not to want to go cos they are there but that is being quite childish. On the other hand I don't want to speak to them either. The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude.

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not. I'm thinking not but should we take the higher ground and not be like them?

"The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude"

when she comes over and just as her mouth opens just turn and walk off, dont say a thing just move away. she will soon get the idea not to talk to you
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gurnnine · 24/10/2021 11:38

I would just take the higher ground here, and keep
Including them in all your events. Try not to stress. Sometimes on life the simple fact is that you can't always like everybody and not everyone will like you.
Perhaps something changed when you had kids? Do anyone else in the group have kids?
Maybe there's something going on that you don't know about like she can't have children and you remind her of this?
I can understand you feeling hurt, but let it roll over you, and fit the sake of yourselves snd the rest of the group take the moral high ground and try not to let it get to you

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Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 11:39

We went with high ground but it just got awkward and i hated socialising with the group

This and I can't believe so many people here fail to see that. It ultimately creates tension and a bad feeling that radiates through the group and spoils the atmosphere so you end up effectively feeling like an intruder.

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slashlover · 24/10/2021 11:42

This is why I'd hate to have a big group like this. If you don't invite everyone to everything then you're excluding them, whether you like the person or not.

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TravelLost · 24/10/2021 11:42

I’d take the high ground and ignore.
If people talk about the birthday or wedding, you see photos on FB, just congratulate her and move on.

The others will notice Sarah’s behaviour (they already have - see the issue with stag do) and will learn from that.

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ABCeasyasdohrayme · 24/10/2021 11:42

if the group are there it's a group event.

No it isn't. It's her event, with her friends and family, some of her friends are in the group, but it isn't a group event.

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