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Suddenly excluded from friendship group
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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 10:33

Me and my partner met at a sports activity and met a lot of like minded people along the way who we started going to other activities with such as camping, meals out, parties, etc. We have done this for about 7 years with about 10 people with their partners too.

We have 2 young children so havent been able to get out and about as much as we were able to before kids but we do still go with everyone when we can make it.

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with but i've always invited when I've organised something as I don't like anyone being excluded. Everything was always fine.

One of the girls organised an afternoon tea and while there someone mentioned being excited about going to Sarah's 30th birthday meal in a few weeks. This is the first I'd heard about it but i didn't say anything and Sarah didn't look ashamed or anything. I just let it go. I think I was too shocked to say anything and didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone else.

Then someone got in touch with my DP asking if he was going on David's stag do (Sarah's partner - who we both met at our original sporting activity) as he will book the room for the 2 of them. We hadn't heard anything about it. We got given a card with the date of the wedding but haven't received the actual official invite. My DP was then added to this stag group but my partner doesn't want to go as he feels like he wasn't wanted in the first place.

I thought if there's a stag do then there must be a hen too and when I asked someone, there was a hen organised and one of our other friends is bridesmaid and is organising the room/hotel for that so I got the feeling we were being purposely excluded.

I've logged on to Facebook this morning and Sarah has put up loads of pictures of her 30th birthday meal with everyone there apart from us.

My DP has been friends with 3 of the fellas who went to it for 30 odd years but they didn't say anything although they might have assumed that we were invited.

My question now tho is what do we do now? We are still invited to events from everyone else which is good but I don't want to see Sarah and David now and they always go to these events. My natural reaction is not to want to go cos they are there but that is being quite childish. On the other hand I don't want to speak to them either. The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude.

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not. I'm thinking not but should we take the higher ground and not be like them?

OP's posts:
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Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 13:09

OP, you sound quite young and a little bit insecure. You need to widen your friendship circle considerably and make friends with lots of different types of people and stop depending on this one group of people to meet your needs socially

eugh i knew this was going to come up. This is bollox, getting excluded at any age or by any group of people you associate as your friends is hurtful and troubling. Ops age is irrelevant.

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Doomscrolling · 24/10/2021 13:10

That does make sense but my excluding us then to me it is making it more of an issue as at future events it is going to be harder to remain civil in each others company

Not at all - it's perfectly possible to be not just civil but actually friendly. You don't like one another much but can rub along perfectly well as part of a group unless you decide to take the hump about what is really a non-event.

This is only a problem if you make it one.

If anyone remarks on your absence from Sarah's party, "we're not that close, really" is an honest and noncombative way to reply.

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nitsandwormsdodger · 24/10/2021 13:19

I did not invite anyone to my wedding that I did not like

You also have to remember that the other 9 couple may well have just assumed you were unable to make the wedding and birthday meal and/ or not noticed you were there

I have family that talk about a wedding I was not invited to. They talk openly about this wedding as if I was there and I awkwardly sit there and say nothing as blurting out “ I WASN'T invited!” Seems unnecessarily scene making

You are hurt understandably but go forward gracefully and always invite sarah and her man to all the group things as normal defo take the high road

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SoniaFouler · 24/10/2021 13:22

I somehow missed the bit that you actually both got invited to the wedding!! So your problem is that Sarah - who you dislike - AND who seems to make an effort to go out of her way to talk to you at group events even though you don’t like her as a person, didn’t invite you to her hen do, which, presumably, is filled with her closest friends and family? And on top of that probably wouldn’t even have gone if she HAD invited you? Forget Sarah, you’re the one coming across as disruptive and a bit of a troublemaker in the group now OP, tbh.

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Nocutenamesleft · 24/10/2021 13:24

I say fuck it

You’re an adult. You have the right to choose whom you have in your life. If you don’t want them. Not invite them. It’s perfectly ok!

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LadyMuckington · 24/10/2021 13:28

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with

What does this mean? Do you bicker? Have you had cross words? Or do you just not like her? Maybe how you feel about her is coming across more than you realise?

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Rosscameasdoody · 24/10/2021 13:35

I also think you need to take the high ground with this. But I also think that as you’ve been more than accommodating in spite of your differences with Sarah’s in inviting things you’ve organised, so if that’s longer reciprocal on her part and you feel that something’s changed, then I think that needs to stop. You can field any awkward questions from the rest of the group quite simply by referring them back to Sarah for an explanation of why you have suddenly been cut out of her social events, and point out that since she very obviously doesn’t want your company, you don’t see the point of inviting her to yours. Seems reasonable to me.

If you feel as though something has changed recently to affect your already dodgy relationship with her, you could just come right out and ask her - you might find you can mend things, but if not at least you would have a clearer understanding of things. The one thing that does strike me is that no one else in the group has been primed not to mention these events to you or your husband, so there’s no secrecy - which means that she’s obviously not bothered about hurting your feelings. I wouldn’t interfere in your husbands’ friendship with her partner though - let him make up his own mind and do what he thinks is right.

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ShinyHappyPoster · 24/10/2021 13:37

Do you think it was limited numbers because of Covid so they dropped you because you don't get on?
I think you're catastrophising a bit. There's no need for this to be a big issue. You still go to the group events. You're polite to Sarah because you don't want to create an atmosphere. You decide if you want to invite them to your individual parties or not.
If the hen night or birthday party comes up, I wouldn't lie. Just say you weren't invited and move the conversation on.

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Pinkdelight3 · 24/10/2021 13:38

Weird not to go to their wedding on this basis. You don't have to be invited to everything and indeed you say you can't go to a lot of stuff cos of your kids anyway. I think you need to move to the next phase with this friendship group because your life has changed anyway and group dynamics will be changing too. I really don't see why it "would be hard to be civil". It's never hard to be civil. They've not committed any major wrongdoing or any at all imo as I agree people should share their birthday/hen do with people they like and who like them. Weddings can be a wider group. Different levels of friendship are totally fine and it's hardly surprising that in such a big group there are some you like less then others. Simply park the drama and carry on being civil. No problem.

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PuppyMonkey · 24/10/2021 13:39

TBH I think some on this thread are being a bit obtuse, continually asking why should OP be bothered about going to Sarah's party if she doesn't like her? So what? Move on etc etc.

The point is that Sarah has invited every single other person from the established group of 30 odd years (or whatever) to things and the only ones excluded are OP and her DP. That's going to sting somewhat imho. All the others on a Whatsapp group maybe, making the arrangements? I dunno.

Yes yes, I know Sarah should be able to do what the heck she wants for her birthday and hen do. But she must have had an inkling that inviting every other person apart from OP and her DP was going to cause a bit of a ripple, stir things up somewhat, cause division. But she just had to invite every other person, she had no other choice. Hmm

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Rosscameasdoody · 24/10/2021 13:41

Sorry - bloody ipad garbled the first bit - it should’ve read But I also think that in spite of your differences with Sarah, you’ve been more than accommodating by inviting her to things you’ve organised. So if that’s longer reciprocal on her part and you feel that something’s changed, then I think that needs to stop..

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TrollsAreSaddos · 24/10/2021 13:41

It hurts to be left out but I don’t think they have done anything wrong. You don’t like each other that much but are civil to each other. There is no reason to invite people you don’t get on with to everything.

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Cactus1982 · 24/10/2021 13:45

Just to offer and different perspective. I’d really like to hear ‘Sarah’s’ side of the story. Sounds to me like the OP has actually been really unkind to her.

The worst thing is Sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me and I can’t really avoid her- sounds like she knows you don’t like her and ‘couldn’t really get on with her’ for whatever reason and was trying to smooth things over and make things better for the sake of the group dynamics. You on the other hand have continued to throw is back in her face. It’s therefore no surprise she doesn’t want you at her hen or 30th party, I wouldn’t want someone who didn’t like me at mine either.

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neverornow · 24/10/2021 13:47

I feel for you OP. It's a horribly awkward situation.

Hold your head high and do not stoop to her level. Don't let it affect your relationship with the rest of the group. Be the bigger person and continue to invite her and her DH to any events that you organise.

I absolutely hate this horrible hostile shit from self appointed matriarch/social secretary types.

Hopefully the others in the group have a bit of integrity and don't follow her like sheep (which is what often ends up happening, sadly).

And yes to exploring other outlets and meeting new people, good plan 👍🏻

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DFOD · 24/10/2021 13:47

You need to play this very carefully and strategically like a game of chess.

It’s not about being reactive and emotional - that’s what you could well be being goaded into behaving like and then it will be YOU that flounces and everyone will blame you. Don’t fall into that trap.

Always remain calm and dignified and be clear that the goal is to avoid her triggering you and to maintain the long term friendships within the group - but also that groups evolve and change over time.

I think that you need to accept that if her hen and birthday included others apart from the core group - then you were not excluded - just not included in this different list.

I nurture the relationships with the rest of the group if they are important to you both - I would not rise to or allow her to alienate you - don’t bring tension because that will be sensed.

I think that you need to be confident that the rest of the group will step up if you don’t bring tension or flounce.

I think that your DH made a mistake withdrawing from the stag - because even if Dave deliberately excluded him - the others overrode him when they noticed and stepped in and up to include him - he should have taken this opportunity.

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nicecheesegromit · 24/10/2021 13:48

I think you'll find the whole dynamic of the group will change in the next few years as folk get married/have kids and develop new friendships. You'll find a load of mum friends who have kids the same age and you'll look back and think WTF , I would never behave like that to someone and be a better person for it. Don't let it get to you, rise above it and move on with your life

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ABCeasyasdohrayme · 24/10/2021 13:49

The point is that Sarah has invited every single other person from the established group of 30 odd years (or whatever) to things and the only ones excluded are OP and her DP.

Op hasn't been excluded from group events, she just hasn't been invited to the birthday party and hen do of a woman she dislikes. That's not excluding someone on any level, there should never have been an assumption she would be included just because they get along with the same people.

I don't invite my friends friends to things, especially if they don't like me.

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FluffyBooBoo · 24/10/2021 13:49

The point is that Sarah has invited every single other person from the established group of 30 odd years (or whatever)

Given that its her 30th birthday that op is sitting about, I doubt it has been anything like that long.

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Mellowyellow222 · 24/10/2021 13:49

I have this in a friendship group. There is a girl who I don’t get on with (have known her for 30 years - never clicked) - I wasn’t invited to her wedding or birthday party or to anything she has in her house. That’s fine - I really don’t lose any sleep over it. We have a laugh if we are out in a large group - but ever communicate one on one.

Let this go. Include her in large invites - but she doesn’t like you and you don’t like her. Why would you want to be at her hen do?

But I am a good bit older than

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Rainbowheart1 · 24/10/2021 13:50

Let’s be honest, the friendship group you have found is rare, especially for your age range, no way would I be loosing all these friends because of Sarah, especially if she didn’t mean anything to me.

I’d take it as a “thank god” when not invited to her things, but still invite her to yours because your not a dick head and still go to events if she is there because not seeing her is to big a cost to loose all your friends.

I would not be worrying about this at all…in my mind I’d be thinking….whose Sarah?

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Mellowyellow222 · 24/10/2021 13:51

That should have said I am a good bit older than you.

I don’t like everyone I meet, so am relaxed about people not liking me.

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Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 13:51

TBH I think some on this thread are being a bit obtuse, continually asking why should OP be bothered about going to Sarah's party if she doesn't like her? So what? Move on etc etc.

The point is that Sarah has invited every single other person from the established group of 30 odd years (or whatever) to things and the only ones excluded are OP and her DP. That's going to sting somewhat imho. All the others on a Whatsapp group maybe, making the arrangements? I dunno.

Yes yes, I know Sarah should be able to do what the heck she wants for her birthday and hen do. But she must have had an inkling that inviting every other person apart from OP and her DP was going to cause a bit of a ripple, stir things up somewhat, cause division. But she just had to invite every other person, she had no other choice


This. Totally agree and those saying it doesn't matter or doesn't change things are completely wrong.

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BurntO · 24/10/2021 13:52

Just keep going to events and don’t make an effort with them. Don’t see the big deal really. You admit you don’t get along….. I think it would be a bit mean of her to arrange a group activity that you would usually do together and exclude you but this is a celebration for them personally (birthdays and weddings) so I don’t think it’s the same at all

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unlikelytobe · 24/10/2021 13:53

Ah, the minefield of group dynamics! The unspoken rule is everyone is invited to everything until a group starts to fracture into sub groups and cliques then it gets tricky. People get pulled in different directions. Sarah is either playing a power move snubbing you like that or (most likely) genuinely didn't want you there, only better pals and it's just tough she doesn't feel obliged to include you. I doubt you'd get much joy from asking her about it.

I think most large social groups go this way eventually!

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Pinkdelight3 · 24/10/2021 13:56

If it's Sarah's 30th, the group's not going to have been around for anything like 30 years. OP met at sporting activity with her DP so it's not going to be more than a few years, and they've already stopped going out since having DC. I don't think it's obtuse to downplay the big deal. Plus it's a very big friendship group and no one should be beholden to invite that many people to every life event. If everyone in the group did that, there'd be an event every other week. It's not sustainable.

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