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Suddenly excluded from friendship group
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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 10:33

Me and my partner met at a sports activity and met a lot of like minded people along the way who we started going to other activities with such as camping, meals out, parties, etc. We have done this for about 7 years with about 10 people with their partners too.

We have 2 young children so havent been able to get out and about as much as we were able to before kids but we do still go with everyone when we can make it.

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with but i've always invited when I've organised something as I don't like anyone being excluded. Everything was always fine.

One of the girls organised an afternoon tea and while there someone mentioned being excited about going to Sarah's 30th birthday meal in a few weeks. This is the first I'd heard about it but i didn't say anything and Sarah didn't look ashamed or anything. I just let it go. I think I was too shocked to say anything and didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone else.

Then someone got in touch with my DP asking if he was going on David's stag do (Sarah's partner - who we both met at our original sporting activity) as he will book the room for the 2 of them. We hadn't heard anything about it. We got given a card with the date of the wedding but haven't received the actual official invite. My DP was then added to this stag group but my partner doesn't want to go as he feels like he wasn't wanted in the first place.

I thought if there's a stag do then there must be a hen too and when I asked someone, there was a hen organised and one of our other friends is bridesmaid and is organising the room/hotel for that so I got the feeling we were being purposely excluded.

I've logged on to Facebook this morning and Sarah has put up loads of pictures of her 30th birthday meal with everyone there apart from us.

My DP has been friends with 3 of the fellas who went to it for 30 odd years but they didn't say anything although they might have assumed that we were invited.

My question now tho is what do we do now? We are still invited to events from everyone else which is good but I don't want to see Sarah and David now and they always go to these events. My natural reaction is not to want to go cos they are there but that is being quite childish. On the other hand I don't want to speak to them either. The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude.

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not. I'm thinking not but should we take the higher ground and not be like them?

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nomoneytreehere · 24/10/2021 11:42

Who doesn't like who? Is it a mutual thing? If it is then I just don't understand why you think you would be invited. It's probably awkward for everyone when you are together to be honest. What does your husband think? Does he get in with Dave or do they not get on either? I'm part of a group like this and there is one couple that annoy the life out of me but we all manage to be civil. I didn't invite her to my personal birthday but would always invite her to group things.

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Eralos · 24/10/2021 11:43

I’d see this as the precedent now and not invite them.

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Marimaur · 24/10/2021 11:46

I get that it’s hurtful and slightly embarrassing to have your sense of ‘not getting along’ (publicly) confirmed. I also think it’s just something you have to accept and to try not dwell on it too hard.
These are highly personal events for them and as you’ve said, you don’t really like each other.

Personally I would probably have invited someone out of politeness (and have done so for the sake of group politics), but lots of people a less generous/concerned with this. If the rest of the group like you i think you can rest assured this is not something wrong with ‘you’, it’s just that not everyone will like you. Don’t dwell on it too hard and do something nice that weekend to take your mind off of it.

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Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 11:47

These are all intelligent education people (we are talking drs, surgeons, senior lawyers, a CTO and a biochemist) who are actually afraid of Sarah to the point of doing elaborate mental gymnastics to square the circle. Bizarre

not really, just because people are well educated and doing well in their career doesn't mean they are assertive, street smart, or can handle people.
I've seen people with PhDs working in some of the top jobs in the country who get walked all over by people and getting taken as complete mugs. Street smart and book smart are 2 very different things.

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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 11:48

@ThePlantsitter

I mean, you were right not to like her then weren't you? It is upsetting but as long as you're still invited to group said arranged by people you do like, try to forget about it (and plan something really nice got the day of their wedding if it's going to feel horrible).

Yep I was. Luckily its my daughter's birthday weekend.
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LuvMyBubbles · 24/10/2021 11:49

Sorry you don't like her. You can't expect an invite to her special events. Weddings 30th etc.
I really don't think you've fallen out of favour with the entire friendship group.

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MolkosTeenageAngst · 24/10/2021 11:51

You’ve openly said you don’t like her and can’t get along. Maybe even though you’ve tried to hide the fact Sarah has picked up on this, maybe you are (unintentionally) rude or distant with her and make her feel uncomfortable. If the atmosphere between the two of you is awkward it’s understandable she doesn’t want you at her hen do or birthday where she will want to be able to relax.

Moving forward I think it’s fine to leave her off the invite list for things you’re organising as clearly you don’t enjoy each other’s company so it might be better to reduce the number of social occasions you have to see each other.

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Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 11:52

I think it's rude of them. Yes of course it's a personal event but I think if you are part of a friendship group you should, out of politeness, invite everyone
It shows a lack of manners IMO


this.

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KathyWilliams · 24/10/2021 11:56

Schoolgirl stuff.

Smile and wave. Wish her a happy birthday if the subject comes up. What does it actually matter? You don't like Sarah and she presumably doesn't like you. Nobody can like everyone. Invite her to your events, or don't. I would, personally, because I can't be doing with playground behaviour in adults. It's then up to her whether she comes or not.

Just enjoy the other friendships (your DP needs not to over-analyse whether he's "really wanted" at the stag thing or not).

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Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 11:57

Make a point of telling her you hope she enjoyed her party in front of the others and note their reactions

no, do not do this, you are just seeing them as creating tension and are making yourself gossip fodder. Just remain civil, do not stoop to their level, and invite Sarah and her DH to anything you organize. Stooping to their level just makes it tit for tat. And I wouldn't discuss it with any of the group as it will be reported back. Keep a dignified silence.

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Reptar · 24/10/2021 11:57

I think you and your husband need to make a plan B because it looks like you are being Wendied and are about to be managed out of the group.

If other people start to be off with you, ask them if something has happened. They'll probably deny it, but someone might give you a straight answer.

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Lucyinthesky07 · 24/10/2021 12:02

From reading that I'm guessing that "Sarah" has picked up on the vibes that "You like everyone in the group apart from this one girl who you just can't get along with".
She more than likely sensed that you were only including her in things because you "didn't want her to feel left out".
Maybe she felt that you wouldn't really want to be at the party of someone you don't really like.
Personally I wouldn't want to be there at the party of someone I didn't get along with. It would seem wrong somehow.

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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 12:05

@Eggsdancing

Op isn't being left out of group events. She is being left out of personal events of a person she doesn't like

if the group are there it's a group event.

Plus I'm not sure whether it is just personal things as nothing else has been organised yet. It could possibly turn into normal events for all I know
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Smashingspinster · 24/10/2021 12:05

There is a difference between things that are about the group and things which are about one person. So if it is a group barbeque, you invite the whole group. If it is my wedding, I invite the people I am close to. I dont understand why you are mixing them up.

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TurquoiseDragon · 24/10/2021 12:08

@Eggsdancing

We went with high ground but it just got awkward and i hated socialising with the group

This and I can't believe so many people here fail to see that. It ultimately creates tension and a bad feeling that radiates through the group and spoils the atmosphere so you end up effectively feeling like an intruder.

Yes, I agree.

The problem with leaving one person/couple out of an event, even if it's a personal event, is that the rest of the friendship group can start to pick up on the awkwardness and also start to leave that person/couple out of other events.

So, in OP's case right now, her/her DH are suddenly being left out of not one, but a group of events, and the other friends may not make the connection that the events are all personal to Sarah/her DH2B and worse case scenario is that OP finds herself excluded from the friendship group completely.

If Sarah was a decent person, she'd have invited OP and her DH for the sake of the group. If it's a large enough group, she wouldn't have had to do anything other than a moment or two of small talk.

OP, you can invite Sarah to events that you organise, and I would try and see if you can meet up with other group members without Sarah, say a 1-2-1 coffee.
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Loudestcat14 · 24/10/2021 12:08

Maybe, like you, Sarah's had enough of pretending the two of you get on? I wouldn't invite someone I struggled to tolerate to significant life events just for the sake of keeping up appearances or because we were part of the same group that hangs out sometimes. I wonder, have you ever discussed with any of the others that you don't like her – could it have got back to her?

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Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 12:11

Plus I'm not sure whether it is just personal things as nothing else has been organised yet. It could possibly turn into normal events for all I know

yep, and these seeds of doubt in your mind are particularly damming, aren't they?
Because that's what happens in this situations-you begin to become paranoid and uncomfortable in the group and things detoriate. You question who has your back and begrudgery etc starts.

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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 12:13

@Loudestcat14

Maybe, like you, Sarah's had enough of pretending the two of you get on? I wouldn't invite someone I struggled to tolerate to significant life events just for the sake of keeping up appearances or because we were part of the same group that hangs out sometimes. I wonder, have you ever discussed with any of the others that you don't like her – could it have got back to her?

No I haven't mentioned to anyone that I Dont like her. People have still talked positive about her to me so I don't think people were that aware before
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ABCeasyasdohrayme · 24/10/2021 12:13

Because that's what happens in this situations-you begin to become paranoid and uncomfortable in the group and things detoriate. You question who has your back and begrudgery etc starts.

Because someone you dislike didn't invite you to a personal event of theirs but makes sure to speak to you and be civil whilst at the group events?

Bit dramatic.

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Wroxie · 24/10/2021 12:16

You said yourself you don't like her. I am the "Sarah" in this situation - another woman in my friend group clearly doesn't like me at all but still is of every social event, even the ones I host, and will either blank me or be really awkward with me and (not so) subtly roll her eyes when I try to speak to her (she is, of course, all smiles with my partner, but that's neither here nor there I suppose). My hen do and 30th birthday were both many years ago at this point but if I'd known her then why in the fuck would I have invited her, just so she could undermine me and make me feel uncomfortable? I probably would have at the time because I'm a pushover, but today, I will invite her as part of a larger group because she does get on well with other friends and they like her, but I wouldn't include her in any group fewer than 6, any personal milestone celebration, and certainly not on a group city break or anything like that where I would be in close quarters with her for more than a couple of hours.

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Taoneusa · 24/10/2021 12:17

Have a word with Sarah. Tell her you feel uncomfortable about the lack of rapport between you, and it’s nibbling away at your confidence. Ask her: Can we find a way to maintain ok-ness. Explain : I don’t want to exclude you or be excluded.

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Wroxie · 24/10/2021 12:17

I was a pushover, LOL. Not anymore!

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Loudestcat14 · 24/10/2021 12:17

timelord92 In that case, I would rise above it. Despite what the title of your OP says, you haven't been excluded from the group, you simply haven't been invited to one person's birthday meal and you don't know for sure yet what's happening with the hen night. I'd either rise above it and act like you're not bothered or I'd cause a fuss, which might result in you actually being excluded.

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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 12:19

@Eggsdancing

Plus I'm not sure whether it is just personal things as nothing else has been organised yet. It could possibly turn into normal events for all I know

yep, and these seeds of doubt in your mind are particularly damming, aren't they?
Because that's what happens in this situations-you begin to become paranoid and uncomfortable in the group and things detoriate. You question who has your back and begrudgery etc starts.

This is very true. I do feel uncomfortable in the group now. I'm worried that everyone else will start doing the same thing.

I'm gonna start attending walking groups soon when my baby is a bit older. I'm stuck in most of the time at the min not being able to do much. If I meet new people this scenario won't affect me much.
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HazelandChacha · 24/10/2021 12:19

@timelord92

I've also been invited to Sarah's birthday meals in the past and enjoyed it. It's just always been a bit awkward between the two of us.

It was a big birthday and she wanted a special night rather than feeling awkward at her own celebration.

I agree with pp, you aren’t hiding it that you don’t like her much and she doesn’t want to have to deal with that.

Why would you be invited to somebodys birthday party when you say yourself you can't get along with her. She probably gets the vibe you don't like her much. If you like going to the group meet ups then go
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