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Suddenly excluded from friendship group
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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 10:33

Me and my partner met at a sports activity and met a lot of like minded people along the way who we started going to other activities with such as camping, meals out, parties, etc. We have done this for about 7 years with about 10 people with their partners too.

We have 2 young children so havent been able to get out and about as much as we were able to before kids but we do still go with everyone when we can make it.

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with but i've always invited when I've organised something as I don't like anyone being excluded. Everything was always fine.

One of the girls organised an afternoon tea and while there someone mentioned being excited about going to Sarah's 30th birthday meal in a few weeks. This is the first I'd heard about it but i didn't say anything and Sarah didn't look ashamed or anything. I just let it go. I think I was too shocked to say anything and didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone else.

Then someone got in touch with my DP asking if he was going on David's stag do (Sarah's partner - who we both met at our original sporting activity) as he will book the room for the 2 of them. We hadn't heard anything about it. We got given a card with the date of the wedding but haven't received the actual official invite. My DP was then added to this stag group but my partner doesn't want to go as he feels like he wasn't wanted in the first place.

I thought if there's a stag do then there must be a hen too and when I asked someone, there was a hen organised and one of our other friends is bridesmaid and is organising the room/hotel for that so I got the feeling we were being purposely excluded.

I've logged on to Facebook this morning and Sarah has put up loads of pictures of her 30th birthday meal with everyone there apart from us.

My DP has been friends with 3 of the fellas who went to it for 30 odd years but they didn't say anything although they might have assumed that we were invited.

My question now tho is what do we do now? We are still invited to events from everyone else which is good but I don't want to see Sarah and David now and they always go to these events. My natural reaction is not to want to go cos they are there but that is being quite childish. On the other hand I don't want to speak to them either. The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude.

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not. I'm thinking not but should we take the higher ground and not be like them?

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a1poshpaws · 24/10/2021 12:19

@viques

I think you take as a positive the fact that you didn’t have to fork out for a birthday present for Sarah, and won’t have to give them a wedding present.
Grin

I would keep in touch with the rest of the group and cultivate a poker face and change of subject when she is mentioned. If anyone asks where you were at the birthday party, hen do, wedding, say “We weren’t invited.“ and leave the conversation hanging.

I think this is the best advice on the thread.
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Wroxie · 24/10/2021 12:20

If you don't like her, you don't have to tell her. Trust me, she knows, as does everyone else.

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WeAllHaveWings · 24/10/2021 12:24

@timelord92

To those satin fits odd to want to be included as they are personal to them. We have always been invited. For daves 30th meal which Sarah organised everyone had a great time and Sarah actually sat next to me. We were always invited but recently something has changed.

Have you or your dh said to anyone, ever, that you don't get on with sarah/not keen/dont like sarah to anyone else? Or has someone overheard you saying something to your dh? Even if you didnt maybe it has just become obvious you dont like her.

Other than that maybe it was a numbers thing and you not getting on meant you were the obvious one to leave out.

Without you asking someone directly and finding out it is going to be awkward going forward.
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TheBeesElbows · 24/10/2021 12:24

@Viviennemary

Why would you be invited to somebodys birthday party when you say yourself you can't get along with her. She probably gets the vibe you don't like her much. If you like going to the group meet ups then go.

This why in the world would I want someone at my birthday or hen do who does not like me. No thanks. She clearly has enough friends who do like her...
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Miniestelle · 24/10/2021 12:29

Just maybe try to reframe it. You all go to the group presumably because you all have and interest in and enjoy the activity. Any friendships that are mage along the way are a bonus.

It sounds like you have made a lot of great friendships whilst doing an activity you love.

Sadly on this one off occasion you and Sarah don't really get on. No big deal. You aren't invited to this one private event. But you have a shared hobby with your DH, and lots of other friends at the hobb,y so you are winning. Lots of positives to focus on, OP.

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Doomscrolling · 24/10/2021 12:30

How can you want to attend the significant events of a woman you don't like?

When it's something featuring only the group, it would be horrible to exclude you. If it's something personal - like a wedding, hen do or 30th - where all Sarah's friends are invited, there's no reason for you to be there as you and Sarah don't get on. She's not been unreasonable, she's kept numbers to the people she likes, who like her. You say yourself that's not you.

Don't worry about it at all. Nothing has changed. At nights out, BBQs, whatever with this hobby club you'll still be there.

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HunkyPunk · 24/10/2021 12:31

@ItsAllMumboJumbo

I think it's rude of them. Yes of course it's a personal event but I think if you are part of a friendship group you should, out of politeness, invite everyone
It shows a lack of manners IMO

Perfectly put.
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Genegenieee · 24/10/2021 12:32

I think you need to work on your own sense of self and identity as distinct from the group - you aren't a teen / early 20s now.

You do not like Sarah - why should she have to invite you to her big birthday and wedding? She has no need to please you, or you here - neither of you like each other. What has happened? - she's grown up a bit and not invited you because she doesn't like you, you don't like her and she wanted to celebrate with people who wish her the best.

The group can still function but if the events are centred around an individual, the people invited can be tailored to that person's preferences. This is quite normal surely?

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Taoneusa · 24/10/2021 12:35

Op, don’t let yourself get spooked. The rest of the group are fine with you and your husband, no?

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Eddielzzard · 24/10/2021 12:37

She enjoys making sure you know she doesn't like you by lack of invites, pointedly asking questions but interrupting you etc.

Invite her to general things. Personal things, no invite. Always say hello but otherwise avoid. If she asks a question, look at her and wait. If she asks why you're not responding, tell her you're waiting for her to interrupt. Seriously she's a bitch.

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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 12:40

@Genegenieee

I think you need to work on your own sense of self and identity as distinct from the group - you aren't a teen / early 20s now.

You do not like Sarah - why should she have to invite you to her big birthday and wedding? She has no need to please you, or you here - neither of you like each other. What has happened? - she's grown up a bit and not invited you because she doesn't like you, you don't like her and she wanted to celebrate with people who wish her the best.

The group can still function but if the events are centred around an individual, the people invited can be tailored to that person's preferences. This is quite normal surely?

That does make sense but my excluding us then to me it is making it more of an issue as at future events it is going to be harder to remain civil in each others company. This will then create an atmosphere and people will feel like they have to pick sides

If they had invited us we prob wouldn't have gone anyway and would have found it easier to remain civil at events.

I'd feel bad about not inviting them as they are friends with everyone.
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onemouseplace · 24/10/2021 12:40

@Eggsdancing

We went with high ground but it just got awkward and i hated socialising with the group

This and I can't believe so many people here fail to see that. It ultimately creates tension and a bad feeling that radiates through the group and spoils the atmosphere so you end up effectively feeling like an intruder.

Exactly the same happened a few years ago to me - one of the group invited the rest of our group to the whole day for her wedding, but I was only an evening guest. She did invite me in the end to the day, but I actually just felt really awkward and unwelcome all day and that she didn't want me to be there.

The group dynamic hasn't been the same since to be honest. Yes, you could say we weren't as close as some of the others in the group were, but doing something like this makes it glaringly obvious.
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SoniaFouler · 24/10/2021 12:42

If they had invited us we prob wouldn't have gone anyway

🙄🙄🙄

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fabulousathome · 24/10/2021 12:42

I think they would invite them. If they want to turn you down that's fine and you have the satisfaction of saying to the others "Well, they were invited".

Then you have done the RIGHT THING.

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ABCeasyasdohrayme · 24/10/2021 12:46

If they had invited us we prob wouldn't have gone anyway and would have found it easier to remain civil at events.

So it would be ok for you to turn down the event because you don't like her 😂

The hypocrisy.

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nevernomore · 24/10/2021 12:50

You haven't been excluded from the friendship group.

Someone you admit you do not like has not invited you to her two significant events in her life, her wedding celebrations and a milestone birthday. It is surely not that shocking that someone you dislike has not invited you to these events?

You need to accept that if you do not like people or get on with them they don't invite you to important personal events.

Personally I would not invite Sarah to my significant life events but would to other things, such as house parties etc. As long as she was still inviting me to house parties etc.

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EmotionalSupportBear · 24/10/2021 12:50

i would take the high road for the new few events, make a point of 'rising above it' smile, be nice, they're not obliged to accept the invitation even if you do extend it.

If they keep coming, and they create an atmosphere, you can stop extending the invitations.

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whatwasIgoingtosay · 24/10/2021 12:51

I just wanted to say you have my sympathy. Flowers A similar thing happened to me/us several years ago and it has become more and more awkward when we bump into members of the group, most of whom went along with Sarah's exclusionary policy because they were frightened of her dominant Queen Bee status. I see the same happened to LivingLaVidaBabyShower . I guess it must be quite a common scenario, but very upsetting nonetheless. You need to cultivate a rhinoceros hide to deal with it!

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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 12:52

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

If they had invited us we prob wouldn't have gone anyway and would have found it easier to remain civil at events.

So it would be ok for you to turn down the event because you don't like her 😂

The hypocrisy.

Actually more cos we have kids and we don't go out much these days
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Miniestelle · 24/10/2021 12:54

So, do you just want the invite but have no intention of going anyway?

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Gizmo98765 · 24/10/2021 12:54

I would go with the moral high ground OP. Keep your friends close and enemies closer.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower DH’s best mates gf was a Sarah. She was friendly and curious about me to start with but when we got married before her and her bf had even got engaged she was annoyed and her true colours gradually started to emerge. She was briefly nice to me at events but then I would quickly receive the cold shoulder from her literally at every opportunity. I wasn’t bothered by this as I got on well with others in the group. This obviously really annoyed her.

She was always bossy but became even more manipulative and domineering. She gradually began inviting other people along who hung off her every word and agreed with her (either her siblings and her less senior work colleague friends etc) to our nights out, social events and weekends away this was a gradual thing to ensure she was always the heart/centre of things. Then one of the male friends started going out with one of her less senior work friends sisters.

Eventually the Sarah and I had words. We both had kids but we had no sitters so weren’t as available. She also had a decent sized house which lent itself to large scale entertaining so she always insisted on hosting with more of her extended hangers on for summer parties, halloween parties, NY parties, the X month birthday party night (as 4 of us including her, me, her sister and one of her work colleagues birthdays all happened to be in the same month) etc etc. If anyone else suggested an event or hosting she/they were never available it would be poo pooed by her and it would be end up dead in the water.

As we didn’t have babysitters on tap for nights out and long weekends away she gradually managed to completely side line us from the group. Others knew what she was like as they had experienced her moodiness first hand if she didn’t get her own way but they were frightened to be on the receiving end so went along with it. DH’s friends were all intelligent people too. Some kept with us individually but over the years this came to an end.

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FatBettyintheCoop · 24/10/2021 12:55

OP, you sound quite young and a little bit insecure. You need to widen your friendship circle considerably and make friends with lots of different types of people and stop depending on this one group of people to meet your needs socially.

Presumably, Sarah’s 30th birthday party, hen do and wedding are events attended by lots of other people, as well as members of your group? If so, it’s perfectly fine not to invite you.

When it comes to taking a turn to host an event ONLY for group members, I’d expect her to invite you too. If she deliberately excludes you from a Group members only event, then you need to raise the issue and decide if you still want to be part of the Group.

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peachesarenom · 24/10/2021 12:56

I would recommend not doing anything that would loose you long term friends. Just continue to invite her and don't worry about whether they invite you x

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ABCeasyasdohrayme · 24/10/2021 13:02

Actually more cos we have kids and we don't go out much these days

So why are you even bothered about being invited?

She is civil to you at the group. You dislike her. You get invited to group events. You wouldn't have gone anyway.

Its starting to sound like you wanted her to invite you just so you couldn turn her down.

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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 13:08

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

Actually more cos we have kids and we don't go out much these days

So why are you even bothered about being invited?

She is civil to you at the group. You dislike her. You get invited to group events. You wouldn't have gone anyway.

Its starting to sound like you wanted her to invite you just so you couldn turn her down.

When they posted our provisional invite through the door for the wedding I sent her a message that we would save the date and would have went Cos they made a point of inviting us. I wouldn't want to go now.
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