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Suddenly excluded from friendship group
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timelord92 · 24/10/2021 10:33

Me and my partner met at a sports activity and met a lot of like minded people along the way who we started going to other activities with such as camping, meals out, parties, etc. We have done this for about 7 years with about 10 people with their partners too.

We have 2 young children so havent been able to get out and about as much as we were able to before kids but we do still go with everyone when we can make it.

I like everyone in the group apart from one girl (let's call her Sarah) who I just cant get along with but i've always invited when I've organised something as I don't like anyone being excluded. Everything was always fine.

One of the girls organised an afternoon tea and while there someone mentioned being excited about going to Sarah's 30th birthday meal in a few weeks. This is the first I'd heard about it but i didn't say anything and Sarah didn't look ashamed or anything. I just let it go. I think I was too shocked to say anything and didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone else.

Then someone got in touch with my DP asking if he was going on David's stag do (Sarah's partner - who we both met at our original sporting activity) as he will book the room for the 2 of them. We hadn't heard anything about it. We got given a card with the date of the wedding but haven't received the actual official invite. My DP was then added to this stag group but my partner doesn't want to go as he feels like he wasn't wanted in the first place.

I thought if there's a stag do then there must be a hen too and when I asked someone, there was a hen organised and one of our other friends is bridesmaid and is organising the room/hotel for that so I got the feeling we were being purposely excluded.

I've logged on to Facebook this morning and Sarah has put up loads of pictures of her 30th birthday meal with everyone there apart from us.

My DP has been friends with 3 of the fellas who went to it for 30 odd years but they didn't say anything although they might have assumed that we were invited.

My question now tho is what do we do now? We are still invited to events from everyone else which is good but I don't want to see Sarah and David now and they always go to these events. My natural reaction is not to want to go cos they are there but that is being quite childish. On the other hand I don't want to speak to them either. The worst thing is sarah makes a point of coming over to me and talking to me so I can't really avoid her. I did notice at the afternoon tea that she kept asking me questions but when I answered, she'd interrupt me and say something else or would ask the waitress something. I found it quite rude.

Then there is the issue of whether we invite them to anything that we organise or not. I'm thinking not but should we take the higher ground and not be like them?

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Pinkdelight3 · 24/10/2021 13:57

I know she mentions DP being friends with 3 of the guys for 30 years, but that's a completely different thing pre-dating her and this big group. Clearly things have evolved and they always will.

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Marvellousmadness · 24/10/2021 14:00

Juvenile. Be mature around it.
Still go to all the meetings. Your friend group didn't exclude you and your spouse. It was only Sarah and her partner.

Your other friends are still great. So continue to meet up.

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TheAntiGardener · 24/10/2021 14:04

I find the coming over to you at events where you’re both present and then making a show of obviously not listening to anything you’re saying far ruder than the not inviting you to events thing.

I’d honestly want nothing to do with a person playing these sorts of games. So, no, I wouldn’t invite her to things I organised and I’d play it very cool when she made tracks for me at other things. If that made things awkward I’d probably start avoiding the group events altogether and try and meet up with my real friends individually.

I know some people would say this is giving in, but personally I would hate socialising with someone who is hostile and passive aggressive so much that ‘winning’ would not be worth it. I’m not spending my free time with people who make me feel crap or get their fun trying to make me look small.

If your friends don’t stick with you, I’d be tempted to drop them too. Same with the pp who had problems with another Sarah - the ‘friends’ in that situation sound ridiculous.

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FTstepmum · 24/10/2021 14:04

Sarah is divisive and she knew exactly what she was doing when she didn't invite you to her birthday and hen do.

She wants to push you out and is possibly succeeding.

I would ask her why she didn't invite you and let her know that it's upset you (because however much you protest, it HAS upset you, understandably so)

By doing that, you'll shine a light on her character. Or possibly start to heal any hurts.

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MichelleScarn · 24/10/2021 14:06

What makes you not like her?

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QueenDanu · 24/10/2021 14:08

@BluebellsGreenbells

If it’s just been made obvious to you then I would bet there’s a few others this has just become apparent too.

They will begin to feel uncomfortable around Sarah and will no doubt want nothing to do with this bullying behaviour.

So what to do?, I would be sweetness and light at all times, do not give Sarah a reason to bad mouth you or cause you issues, I would on the side say to a friend in the group ‘did you enjoy Sarah’s hen/birthday?’ And see if there’s a natural reason to say you weren’t invited.

In a perfect world............

But really, most people will feel relieved it's not them being excluded and will collude with the exclusion of somebody else.

I agree with the advice to act the same as you always did. Do not give any indication that this has hurt you. This is so hard but you must not show that it's hurt you or the people colluding with the exclusion of you will see you (sub consciously) as lower status than the person excluding you and they will see it as the natural order required to protect their position in the group.
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FluffyBooBoo · 24/10/2021 14:09

I would ask her why she didn't invite you and let her know that it's upset you (because however much you protest, it HAS upset you, understandably so)

How would you suggest op proceeds if Sarah then offers up an invitation, given that she has already said she wouldn't go?

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Sally872 · 24/10/2021 14:09

You don't like her and looks like she feels the same. Nobody will necessarily know you weren't invited to 30th or stag/hen it doesn't change anything for the group.

Don't invite her to your milestone events if you don't want to but if arranging a regular catch up include her.

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Lightswitch123 · 24/10/2021 14:11

@Squirrelblanket

You've said you don't get along with her so I don't know why you expect to be invited to her 30th or hen party. As long as you still get invited to the whole group events I don't see the issue. I wouldn't invite somebody that I didn't on with to my birthday party either. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This 👆

A big birthday and a hen / wedding are different from more general socialising. Plus she probably didn't even organise her own hen

Keep calm and carry on as you are
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MichelleScarn · 24/10/2021 14:12

When they posted our provisional invite through the door for the wedding I sent her a message that we would save the date and would have went Cos they made a point of inviting us. I wouldn't want to go now

Wait, so you have been invited to the wedding? Is it really just that they see you as the partner of your dh and he's the main friend to them, given Sarah's dh and he have been friends for 30 years so you both get invited to things ie Daves bday, the wedding, he gets invited to Daves stag, but you won't get in invited to the Sarah focused things as you're not her friend?

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gingerlyme · 24/10/2021 14:13

I know a couple with the same names. Coincidence if it's the same Sarah I know,
A thought occurred to me, if there was any history with your dp, or if they've had an affair!

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QueenDanu · 24/10/2021 14:13

I wouldn't ask her why she doesn't like you.

Focus on your individual relationships at the moment until you get your strength back. Look up old friends Connect with a sister or a school friend to get your inner sense of belonging back.

At the moment you're going to be feeling excluded, so asking somebody why they excluded you is going to be really tricky.

Get your inner sense of belonging back by reconnecting with people you do have genuine connections with.

If I understand correctly, nobody else in the group is trying to exclude you right now?

Hold strong.

It would be ''low status'' to get upset and show it and plead for your place in the group.
A higher status boss move would be to fake insouciance, focus on other friendships and maybe go away somewhere really nice with your H or with friends.

Belong to a tribe is a precarious thing and if you're the scapegoat, you cannot remain in the group long term if you show you care.

Act like you have better groups.

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FTstepmum · 24/10/2021 14:14

@FluffyBooBoo

I would ask her why she didn't invite you and let her know that it's upset you (because however much you protest, it HAS upset you, understandably so)

How would you suggest op proceeds if Sarah then offers up an invitation, given that she has already said she wouldn't go?


I suggested OP asked why she wasn't invited. I didn't suggest she asks or seeks for an invitation.

I think she needs to know why she is being excluded. Sarah needs to account for her nastiness.
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FluffyBooBoo · 24/10/2021 14:19

I suggested OP asked why she wasn't invited. I didn't suggest she asks or seeks for an invitation

I didn't suggest you had. But it's entirely possible that, after asking that specific question, she might invite them. What then?

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PuppyMonkey · 24/10/2021 14:23

Sorry for saying 30 odd years or whatever, I knew it wasn’t 30 odd years what with it being a 30 birthday I was just trying to make the point of it being a long time. Stand down everyone. Grin

Although actually the DP has known two of the group 30 years, so…

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FatBettyintheCoop · 24/10/2021 14:23

@Eggsdancing

OP, you sound quite young and a little bit insecure. You need to widen your friendship circle considerably and make friends with lots of different types of people and stop depending on this one group of people to meet your needs socially

eugh i knew this was going to come up. This is bollox, getting excluded at any age or by any group of people you associate as your friends is hurtful and troubling. Ops age is irrelevant.

Jeez!

She wasn’t invited to a significant event attended by many people plus some members of the Group because as she says herself, she doesn’t like Sarah, so she’s not especially good friends with Sarah.

Supposing the Group is a local Neighbourhood watch/school PTA/ local running club/cycling group etc…

You happen to share a hobby/interest so you happily socialise with them on occasion. Assuming you’re not at school, you also have friends from other areas of your life?

Why would you expect Person A to invite every single member of the Hobby Group to their wedding and hen do? You’d only invite people you are good friends with, surely?

You can only argue she was excluded if it was a Group Members only event that Sarah had arranged and deliberately chosen to leave the OP out.

With age, hopefully comes some emotional maturity and the ability to co-exist with people from various backgrounds and ages without having to be fake besties with everyone and without making every little thing into a personal slight against you.

It’s called rubbing along with people and getting on with your own life.
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FreeBritnee · 24/10/2021 14:25

I just can’t see the issue. You’ve said yourself you don’t like her. The feeling is obviously mutual. You are invited to everyone else’s gatherings. So carry on as you are and if anyone asks why you haven’t been at certain events just say you weren’t invited.

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TheChiefJo · 24/10/2021 14:26

"I agree with the advice to act the same as you always did. Do not give any indication that this has hurt you. This is so hard but you must not show that it's hurt you or the people colluding with the exclusion of you will see you (sub consciously) as lower status than the person excluding you and they will see it as the natural order required to protect their position in the group."

I agree with this.

Just carry on as per, OP. You aren't keen on each other so it's no surprise that you aren't invited to personal events. So long as you're still invited to the group ones, don't sweat it.

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KarmaElBanana · 24/10/2021 14:31

@Stackycups

It'd be a shame to stoop to their level as this won't end well. Your other friends will be notice somethings off, gossips starts, friendship group breaks or you both getting ostracised by everyone. I think your only option is to find humour in the situation, laugh privately at how silly and immature they are and thank your lucky stars you are nicer people. When she's rude just ignore it. Provide dead end answers that she can't interrupt with.

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AffableApple · 24/10/2021 14:32

This "group" sounds exhausting TBH, and I bet you're not the only one fed up at the dynamics. It's horrible to feel like you're being left out of a group event; but no, people don't have to invite you to their (especially milestone) birthdays if you're not really friends. Do your own thing, and then see these people for actual group events - where you should leave Sarah be and actively avoid spending time with her because her behaviour towards you at these occasions sounds rude, and is making you feel rubbish. Not everyone has to be friends with each other to enjoy the times you do all get together. Enjoy your life without the drama. You'll find Sarah has accidentally done you a favour.

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Genegenieee · 24/10/2021 14:36

@FTstepmum why is Sarah being nasty?

OP, your responses are a bit infantile tbh. I think best to rant them out on this thread or to someone totally disconnected with your area - do not say anything to the wider group to avoid coming across as a dick. At which point you will start being left out of the group.

Likewise if you can't be civil to people when they haven't invited you to every opening of every envelope, you will come over badly.

You really need to take a long hard look at why you feel so uncomfortable about not being invited to 1 or 2 events that are very important to someone you don't like! If you feel insecure in the group more widely (e.g. do you think you are included in the group activities because of DH rather than in your own right, given his long history with some of the group), then put some of your eggs into a different basket and broaden your social circle as a PP suggested.

& for god sake do not take the advice of whoever it was who said ask Sarah why you weren't invited. It really is irrelevant given you don't like her and far too confrontational.

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OtterAndDog · 24/10/2021 14:41

I think they made the right decision in not inviting you. You both don't really get on so at least it's out in the open now and you don't have to pretend otherwise. You can be civil still x

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FTstepmum · 24/10/2021 14:42

@FluffyBooBoo

I suggested OP asked why she wasn't invited. I didn't suggest she asks or seeks for an invitation

I didn't suggest you had. But it's entirely possible that, after asking that specific question, she might invite them. What then?

True, that could happen.

It depends how the invite is given.

If it's friendly, contrite and bridge-building, I'd be gracious and accept. And try to develop a courteous bond.

If it's reluctant or in anyway back-handed or bitchy, I'd probably say "Your tone suggests otherwise, dear Sarah. Be honest with yourself. I don't want to go where I'm not welcomed"
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SoniaFouler · 24/10/2021 14:42

@MichelleScarn

When they posted our provisional invite through the door for the wedding I sent her a message that we would save the date and would have went Cos they made a point of inviting us. I wouldn't want to go now

Wait, so you have been invited to the wedding? Is it really just that they see you as the partner of your dh and he's the main friend to them, given Sarah's dh and he have been friends for 30 years so you both get invited to things ie Daves bday, the wedding, he gets invited to Daves stag, but you won't get in invited to the Sarah focused things as you're not her friend?

It’s exactly this.

I am surprised at some of the responses about Sarah being a bitch, vindictive, don’t stoop to her level, etc. Can you imagine if Sarah posted on AIBU?

“MN, AIBU with this? I am getting married next year and have invited family and friends, including a social group I attend to my wedding. My dilemma is I am having a hen party and have limited invitations and there’s a woman in this social group who has made it obvious she doesn’t like me, even though I have approached her to try and talk to her on multiple occasions, but it hasn’t worked. Her husband is best friends with my partner and he’s been invited to my partners stag, but does that mean IABU if I don’t invite her to my hen do, even though we don’t get on?”

MN: YANBU, you’re not obligated to invite anyone you don’t want to your hen do”.
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Taoneusa · 24/10/2021 14:43

Sarah might not be being “rude” by interrupting Op and talking to the waitress over her. She might genuinely think she’s making the effort, but her boredom / resistance seeps out sideways and undermines her politeness.
I think I interrupt people I don’t gel with, as well, so I can sympathise. I sometimes find it hard to listen to people all the way to the end of their point, if I don’t have a rapport. Not so much rude as not good at faking it.

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