Husband has left me, is it too late to ask for step parenting advice

[Singlemummentality]

DH has asked for a divorce and moved out. He tells me he has had enough of me preventing him from being a dad to our DS (my DS from another relationship) DH has been in DS15 life from the age of 3. DH says I seem to protect DS from him. I have always thought they had a lovely relationship and that it wasn't necessary for me to nurture it. DS still sees his dad.
DH and I spoke recently and he said it was over and that he's tried to talk to me but I don't seem to be putting anything into action. He is really struggling and very angry that I haven't noticed/ cared/ helped him.
Please tell me how you have achieved a good relationship between yourself, your partner and your children. I'm struggling to find any information online and have noone in real life who has step children/married to someone who isn't their child's parent to ask advice from. I really want to save my marriage. DH says he loves me he just can't go on anymore and that I've said the right things I've just not put things into practice.
I can tell my DH is really angry with me that he feels he has no choice but to walk away.
I can't believe it's come to this and that I'm having to post my personal business online, but I don't know where else to turn. My friends are there for me in real life and have been amazing at listening and offering advice. But I need advice on how to handle the situation even though I'm aware it's probably already too late

@TravelLost yes iswym, I do think the good things outweigh the bad things. But I should really look at how the bad things could be affecting my DS.
@AlexaShutUp I guess I do rely on him financially. I work longer hours for much less money, and he's very generous in paying for most household outgoings. I don't like to think though that that's the reason I stay with him. There's so much more there than just the financial aspect.
@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 yes a lot of resentment to me atm. I'm very understanding of it because I can see how awful it has been with me interrupting him

It seems your son does not want to be involved in your marital situation and is even surprised at you asking questions to him about your DH's relationship. As he is now 15 he may well move out and be partly or completely independent in 3 years time going on to further education/work etc when 18 ( an adult) - so problem will not exist in relatively near future.

@AlexaShutUpI guess I do rely on him financially. I work longer hours for much less money, and he's very generous in paying for most household outgoings. I don't like to think though that that's the reason I stay with him. There's so much more there than just the financial aspect.

I wasn't necessarily saying that you were only staying with him for financial reasons, but rather that his financial generosity may have caused you to pigeonhole him as a "good person" in a way that prevents you from seeing the not-so-nice side of him.

It is entirely possible for someone to be kind and generous in some ways while also being egotistical and controlling in others. I wonder if part of the dynamic here is that, he feels he has earned the right to dictate how you should parent because of the financial contribution that he has made? That you should always back him up, even when he's clearly in the wrong, because he is the one paying the bills? That you and ds should put up with his moodiness and nasty comments because he has bought the right to behave in whatever way he chooses?

@AlexaShutUp possibly, but these would be things to pick apart in counselling if we ever make it there. I'm off to put some Alanis morrisette on and be angry for a little bit over the way he's also behaved. My scars are still healing from a diognostic laparoscopy I had recently for gods sake.

@billy1966

I think he wants out but wants to blame you for it.

Let him go.

Do not accept the blame.

It's this.

I also think he's probably one of those "nice guys" who isn't actually nice at all. He thinks a little bit of human decency from him should mean a lifetime of bowing and cloying gratitude from you and your son. He's not as nice as you think OP.

I think he wants out but wants to blame you for it.

Let him go.
I agree.
He is using deflection with his victim mentality.

@Weenurse

Sounds like DS is getting to the age where he is testing to see who is the alpha male in the household . By you not backing DH, DH is feeling unsupported and undermined. It is hard to keep your mouth shut, when you don’t agree with what is being said, but it is important to present a United front. I don’t know how many times I bit my tongue when DH argued with the teens. I would speak to him separately afterward and state my position. We would then come to an agreement and present a United, calm front when outlining things to the teens. Sometimes DH position would change, and he would acknowledge this, sometimes not. “ after discussion with your mother, we feel/ would like / would prefer…..” . Good luck

Love this post!

also think he's probably one of those "nice guys" who isn't actually nice at all. He thinks a little bit of human decency from him should mean a lifetime of bowing and cloying gratitude from you and your son. He's not as nice as you think OP.

Hes nice if you are doing as you are told and a nasty abusive prick if you dont.

You have just been told you may need IVF - wheres his support and kindness towards you?

.
He warns you by shouting and slamming things, huffing and being unpleasant.
You tell your son to steer clear.
You are in an abusive relationship Op.

" Hes a brilliant dad"

So brilliant that you have to tell your son to keep away from him.

He has been emotionally abusing you for a long time, to the extent that you have completely accepted his nonsense accusations that you are to blame for everything, and that he is just a poor victim. It's quite sickening to read the way you write about him actually; the way you tie yourself in knots to blame yourself and excuse him.

I don't know whether he genuinely intends to leave you or whether it's just a manipulative tactic to force you into line. If he does intend to leave, it's almost certainly because of your fertility and nothing to do with your son or anything you've done or haven't done. Having a child with him would make you much more dependent on him, practically and financially, so now he knows that can't happen, he's lost that future power over you.

If he genuinely has mental health issues, they are his responsibility, and he needs to see his GP, get treatment in the form of medication and/or therapy (CBT or counselling). Of course he might not actually have mental health issues at all or he might have them but have no interest in resolving them, since they give him a very convenient excuse to treat you badly and blame you for it.

I advise you to read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and get some counselling for yourself (not couple's counselling with him) to talk about his behaviour, the relationship and the impact on you and your son. A good counsellor will help you work out for yourself what you want to do.

Do not get couple's counselling, it is never recommended with an abuser.

He warns you by shouting and slamming things, huffing and being unpleasant.
You tell your son to steer clear.

This. And you describe his communication style as 'shouty'.

Do you not realise this isn't anywhere close to normal or healthy?

There's another thread on MN at the moment where the OP has come back to update after 3 years. At the beginning of the thread, she was in a relationship with a controlling, abusive husband, but she kept defending him and making excuses for his unreasonable behaviour. She just couldn't see it, or didn't want to. Three years later, she had seen the light and divorced him.

Maybe in this situation, the husband will walk away because of the fertility issues and the OP will realise that she is better off without him. If not, then I expect that she will come to the conclusion in a few years time that she doesn't have to live like this any more. She just isn't ready to see that yet.

@AlexaShutUp

There's another thread on MN at the moment where the OP has come back to update after 3 years. At the beginning of the thread, she was in a relationship with a controlling, abusive husband, but she kept defending him and making excuses for his unreasonable behaviour. She just couldn't see it, or didn't want to. Three years later, she had seen the light and divorced him.

Maybe in this situation, the husband will walk away because of the fertility issues and the OP will realise that she is better off without him. If not, then I expect that she will come to the conclusion in a few years time that she doesn't have to live like this any more. She just isn't ready to see that yet.

Where is this thread?

Can't link to it right now @Lunificent but it's the "disagree with husband about childbirth" thread. Very different situation, but there are some similarities in that the OP ended up feeling the need to defend her husband against all of the criticism from posters, insisting that he was a decent person really. She obviously realised much later that he wasn't so decent after all.

I hope you're seeing another sided man OP.
His behaviour and mixed messages are very unhealthy for DS.
There's probably another woman waiting in the wings for him right now, he likes to blame you for his failures.

You make a lot of excuses for him .
You justify what he says and does
You don’t mention much about what your ds wants .
I think he’s trying to make you feel shit ,and probably has every intention of swanning back in ,with you then on your best behaviour,and him cock of the castle
Sorry ,but don’t like the sound of him ,let him go

You sound as though you’re regretting a lot of things that you didn’t realise you were ‘guilty’ of at the time. Whatever his problem was, the comment about your infertility preventing him from being a dad is unforgivable. If it were me, any belongings he hadn’t already taken would be outside the front door and the locks changed - but that’s me, and you say you’ve forgiven him, but I think that’s too simplistic. I think this is the main reason for his resentment of you and he’s projecting his anger onto you and your son with his accusations of your lack of support. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him, but ultimately you should be prepared for the end of the relationship rather than continuing to live with someone who clearly resents you.

I've seen lots of people re evaluate their lives after the covid lockdown

Actually, if he is unhappy, he is brave to make the decision to leave

Why stay & be unhappy ?

I’m curious about the trouble your DS was in at school, which you mention a couple of times and sounds like an episode that brought the differences in parenting style to the fore.
And it seems linked to DH’s concerns about what DS might be getting up to when he’s out on his bike with his mates, whereas you’re relaxed about it and think it’s just fairly innocent teen stuff.
Is DH worried, legitimately or not, that DS might be getting into some serious trouble and needs more active parenting around that?

What stood out for me was you telling your DS to stay in his room as step dad was in a mood. My eldest isnt my DH and he would say the same as yours that he was the one solid male figure...hit teenage years and my DH was like dealing with a bloke that morphed into alpha gorilla male...it wasnt normal, he got jealous if i cooked my DS breakfast, tbh my DS behaviour wasnt the issue it was my DP. I did fight against his ridiculous attempts at boundaries- trying to take his xbox, he is disrespecting me...all nonsense...its the joys of having young boys with step dads who morph into teenagers.

My DH would say the same as yours that I was soft and wouldnt allow him to parent. Damn right as he was a bully and ridiculous. You telling your DS to stay in his room to avoid his step dad is not healthy

Wow so much going on here.

Firstly

1. You’re dwelling way too much on what his family think and are advising him. Blood is thicker than water, depending on what he is saying, of course they will most likely support him. (In the event that he is abusive and the abusive nature is from learned behaviours in his home environment, this is actually more likely.)

2. He has mental health issues. He’s just found out you and he cannot be parents without IVF. That’s a lot to take on. He also has stated that he is unhappy and only stayed as long as he did because of your DS. Ok. Fine. Then what is he doing to bottom out his mental health issues? What is he doing to be responsible for his happiness? These are things for him to sort. His mental health and his happiness are his responsibility not yours.

3. I’m a mum to boys and this is exactly why I wouldn’t have any man living with my children and I. I have plenty of friends who have the ‘alpha’ male issue in their nuclear families (in one the dad and son nearly got into a physical full on fight). I wouldn’t dream of letting any man have any form of ‘alpha’ with my sons. To me it would feel like an assertion of dominance (because that is what it is). Your son should have to be told to avoid your DH because he’s in a mood. Are you kidding?

To be honest. He’s bluffing with you. His response when he returned to speak snd then chastised you over the dog tells me as much. He wanted you begging for him to return. What he got was a woman carrying on with life and dealing with things. He didn’t like that.

Be careful. To me this is a power play. And if you allow him to assert it, your son will be in the firing line.

He's not your son's father. Your son has a father. Your son is growing up. It actually sounds like your husband wants to boss him about. Your husband says he is leaving you because you won't let him have his way disciplining what sounds like a normal teenager who is meant to avoid his bad-tempered stepfather. Doesnt this all sound wrong to you?