Husband has left me, is it too late to ask for step parenting advice

[Singlemummentality]

DH has asked for a divorce and moved out. He tells me he has had enough of me preventing him from being a dad to our DS (my DS from another relationship) DH has been in DS15 life from the age of 3. DH says I seem to protect DS from him. I have always thought they had a lovely relationship and that it wasn't necessary for me to nurture it. DS still sees his dad.
DH and I spoke recently and he said it was over and that he's tried to talk to me but I don't seem to be putting anything into action. He is really struggling and very angry that I haven't noticed/ cared/ helped him.
Please tell me how you have achieved a good relationship between yourself, your partner and your children. I'm struggling to find any information online and have noone in real life who has step children/married to someone who isn't their child's parent to ask advice from. I really want to save my marriage. DH says he loves me he just can't go on anymore and that I've said the right things I've just not put things into practice.
I can tell my DH is really angry with me that he feels he has no choice but to walk away.
I can't believe it's come to this and that I'm having to post my personal business online, but I don't know where else to turn. My friends are there for me in real life and have been amazing at listening and offering advice. But I need advice on how to handle the situation even though I'm aware it's probably already too late

Let him go. You don’t have to agree with everything he says. You are right to support and protect your DS from him.

^^
This

There’s definitely no rule that says mothers should take the side of a man against their children, especially when he’s being “moody” or angry.

I can't really figure out what he thinks he's not being allowed to do with your DS.

From what I gather, he wants to be able to stomp about and tell people off, be moody when he feels like and everyone is supposed to scurry around and accommodate him and his moods. IOW Grumpy King of the Castle.

The thing with the dog. He didn't mention anything about the dog so is that another thing he does is expect everyone to read his mind and then sulk and punish everyone for not figuring it out?

If he's had mental issues, what is he doing about that? Has he seen his GP? Counseling?

Your DH is saying he wants to be treated like the real dad but it sounds like if he chooses to leave and divorce, then he's not going to see DS anymore so what's the point? A real dad would stick around regardless of divorce.

His comment about the infertility was disgusting. I suspect that is what he's really angry about and wants to take it out on you.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Let him go. You don’t have to agree with everything he says. You are right to support and protect your DS from him.

^^
This

There’s definitely no rule that says mothers should take the side of a man against their children, especially when he’s being “moody” or angry.

Exactly. In an ideal world, parents (and step parents) will be on the same page as each other and will work together as a team to parent their children. However, if one person's behaviour is unreasonable, it doesn't mean that the other parent should join in by gaslighting the child to pretend that the unreasonable behaviour is OK.

Working as a team doesn't mean ganging up against the child no matter what.

Working as a team doesn't mean ganging up against the child no matter what.

This.

There have been times when I am too hard on the kids and dh will not hesitate to tell me. There have also been fewer occasions when dh is being too tough and I will tell him so. The kids don’t see it as weakness, they understand that we are both doing our best, we don’t always get it right but we are always on their side.

Op your dh sounds like an authoritarian bully expecting a teenage boy to regulate his hormones and you to jump when he tells you to and never speak up against him. You weren’t wrong to tell ds to stay out of his way when he was in a grump, he was wrong for letting himself behave in a way that made you feel you had to say that. As pp have said, let him go.

It's not your job to be his therapist and excuse his bad behaviour because of what might be upsetting him. He has been moody and hard to live with for months, said some nasty things about your fertility, criticised your parenting, said he wanted a divorce and walked out. Those are all pretty serious things and he can't just walk back in and find you happy to see him and ready to make changes. Don't make excuses for him that he hasn't even made for himself. His reason was that you won't let him assert his authority over DS when he is moody. Is that a good enough reason for you? Do you really want to welcome him back into yours and DS's life with no changes in his own moody behaviour, but giving him more authority to discipline DS?
In my opinion it's him who needs to make a lot of changes before you have him back and if not you would be better off without him.

To be honest he's left you because that's what he wants to do , there's not a lot you can do about it .
If he calls down of his own violation maybe you can talk , but don't start bending over backwards to do anything to get him back .
He might do it again then you'll have to change something else.

He'll come back if he wants to , but it looks like he's done a good job of getting you to take all the blame .

• calms down

[quote Singlemummentality]@monsterpumpkins yes I think DH is resentful, he does all the parenting, pays for DS, puts a roof over his head, pays for everything he wants, gives advice, takes him for boytime and haircuts but doesn't receive the recognition as his dad. While DS dad pays nothing, sees him barely ever, never takes him out but is still loved and idolised by DS[/quote]
Welcome to step parenting.

Please stop blaming yourself. Maybe there are things you could have done better. However, that is true for all of us.

Your husband is not looking at all at his part and is instead blaming you and your ds for him growing up and becoming a teen. Parenting teens is a bit of a minefield and it is difficult to find the fine line between being to lax and too strict, being a parent but also a trusted ear for your child.

I certainly do not support my dh 100% with our dd and I interrupt him if I think he’s being a prat and I likewise I expect to be interrupted if I am being one too. Co parenting isn’t about both parents agreeing with one another and presenting a United front. That can be very dangerous, especially if the dominant parent is abusive.

It sounds as if your husband wants things his way or not at all. Some of the things you’ve said about him makes it sounds as though you’re his parent rather than his partner. Him turning to his family and them advising him to distance himself from you and your ds proves that he and / or his family never really thought of your ds as his child.

You haven’t let him down. You’ve done your best. His mental health struggles are not yours. Perhaps some time in the future he will decide he’s been a complete wanker. But for now I’d let him take some time to figure things out and centre your time on protecting your ds. He’s in his GCSE years right now and the best thing you can do is to give him the stability and love he needs.

I think you’d benefit from some therapy yourself as you’re so quick to blame you for having not been enough or good enough for this man. A good therapist will unpick this and give you the space to grow and adjust for whatever your future holds.

I think you both need some counselling , neither of you are reading what the other says. It sounds like you both want to be together but neither of you can seem to make it work. A counsellor would be able to pick out the problems and hopefully get you both back on the right track.

My mum used to do this with my step dads. One was in our lives for 9 years. He wasn't ever 'allowed' to do any of the behaviour or strict parenting, only driving us around and cooking for us etc. He left because of it. He'd already brought up his own daughter and was a good parent, just slightly different style to my mum. My mum didn't see that kids need different perspectives some times, and that to keep doing the same thing over and over will likely get you the same results. She should have stood back sometimes to see how his way of handling things worked out, even if it isn't what she would have done. She was much more shouty/I'll tell your Grandad (Dad wasn't in the picture), he was much more have a chat about it and agree some boundaries.

Lots of my characteristics come from him and we were gutted when he left. He then just disappeared and to this day I haven't seen or heard from him again as this is what my mum asked for. It was awful. He was a really nice guy but just felt like he was a live in housekeeper/housemaid by the end because of her undermining him and it all ended when me and my siblings got to teenage years and started to try and divide and conquer or just push boundaries as it became a lot more apparent.

Will your DS be able to keep in contact with DH if you do split? What does DS think of it all?

That's a stupid reason to break up a marriage. He sounds off.

My sister treated her first husband like you’re describing. He took on her 1st child as his own (didn’t see his dad) and treated him exactly the same when they had their own. The problem was she felt she was the “better” parent because she had been doing it without him. She would very regularly undermine him in front of the children even when he was being perfectly reasonable (eg stopping them fighting, getting them to eat at the table) to the point where they knew if he said something to them they didn’t like they would go tell her and she would tell them to ignore it because he was in a mood etc. Having witnessed it a few times it was very much a tone of he’s my child/I know better. He left in the end and now parents away from her and he/the kids have a really good relationship.

What he said about infertility was awful and may not be forgivable but I read that he has been communicating with you and has become exasperated because things haven’t improved. Maybe offer to do counselling with him to see if you can just end on better terms and perhaps both learn from it without the expectation of reconciliation?

Ignore the surrendererd wives on here OP, he sounds awful. He seems to want to manipulate him into never expressing an opinion that does not chime with his.

Let him go, youwill be better off without him.

He shouldn't have said what he said about your infertility in the way that he said it, but if he wanted a child of his own and was willing to sacrifice that to be with OP, I think his feeling of loss in that regard is valid and deserving of acknowledgment. It seems like he'd accepted that DS was the only child he was ever going to get, and is frustrated because he's not allowed to actually parent him. And maybe he shouldn't be, because he's not DS's father and DS does still see his father. But from his perspective, it must have seemed horribly unfair to watch you parent DS while not allowing him to do so, while you both knew all the while that his love for you and DS was the reason he'd never have a child that he could actually parent.

OP, it's impossible to tell from your posts who (if anyone) is at fault here. You could be completely over-ruling and undermining your husband. Equally, he could be being far too harsh with your son and/or undermining any criticism or different opinions, assuming that he's the 'head of the house' and no-one else should disagree with him. I genuinely can't tell from your posts.

He could also be having a really rough time with pandemic, infertility diagnosis etc.

However, what is for sure is that either he should choose to communicate - preferably through counselling? - or you are better to let him go on his way.

Reading your comments i don't think it is black and white.

I do agree if you disagree then it should be done after.

Though having to avoid sd because he is in a mood. Is not ok

I read a meme the other day though which was about we should not expect out children to be happy all the time. Your ds sounds like a typical teenager.

I still would be furious about the feritity comments has he appoologised?

Also why have you not put a claim into cms? His dad should pay some child support?

What stood out for me was this

“I even told DS to stay away from DH when he was in a mood. I can’t believe I did that”

I can.

I grew up with a stepfather who had a terrible temper and moods (was very Berts abusive to DM, me and to a lesser extent his bio daughter with my mother).

I was told to “stay out of his way” when he was in a mood. Which was a lot. So I did. I read in my room. I went out to play alone. I hid from him basically for 5 years. I felt like a stranger in my own home and between the abuse and the “staying out of his way” life was pretty shit. I fantasised about being taken into care. Thank god I was a reader. It saved me.

You say your DS is in his room more and is being grumpy - are you surprised?!? You’ve TOLD him to stay out of his stepfathers way, which as a child, in relation to the “alpha male” of the house means “stay out of the family space”. It will have made your son feel like HE is the problem. It will also have made him feel like you’re not on his side, and ultimately like he has no one.

I know this because I was your son 20 years ago.

Let this guy go. If things are bad enough with his “moods” that you’re telling your son to stay out of his way, it’s bad. And it’s bad for your son.

You’re both better off without him.

@PurpleOkapi

He shouldn't have said what he said about your infertility in the way that he said it, but if he wanted a child of his own and was willing to sacrifice that to be with OP, I think his feeling of loss in that regard is valid and deserving of acknowledgment. It seems like he'd accepted that DS was the only child he was ever going to get, and is frustrated because he's not allowed to actually parent him. And maybe he shouldn't be, because he's not DS's father and DS does still see his father. But from his perspective, it must have seemed horribly unfair to watch you parent DS while not allowing him to do so, while you both knew all the while that his love for you and DS was the reason he'd never have a child that he could actually parent.

It's interesting because I don't read the thread in the same way at all. I don't think he had accepted that he might not have children of his own and I don't think he was willing to sacrifice that in order to be with OP and her DS. Hence the shitty comment about the infertility and the announcement that he wants a divorce just two weeks after finding out about it. Where is the evidence that he had accepted it? I just don't see it.

I still think that this is all because he can't come to terms with the infertility yet can't bring himself to tell the OP that that's why he wants out, because he knows it wouldn't reflect very well on him. And I also think he probably resents the OP for having her own child when it looks like he might not be able to have one himself... and he is cross with her for not sharing nicely.

@AlexaShutUp

You're right, I initially missed the timing. But it looks to me like it's starting to sink in. I still think he resents not being allowed to parent DS while he's simultaneously processing the fact that if he stays with OP, he'll never have any other child he can parent, either. And while that's not OP's fault, it's not DH's, either. His behaviour is his fault, of course, but his desire to be a parent is perfectly normal. OP already has a child, so (to his mind, at least) he's losing out on a lot more than she is.

I assume they were TTC before, hence the fertility diagnosis. Though I do have to wonder why OP would want a baby with him if she has such concerns about his parenting techniques with DS. If he feels so strongly about wanting to be a father, maybe it's for the best that they split up. Sometimes there's no right or wrong, only unfortunate circumstances that mean two people who love each other still aren't compatible.

@jarstastic I agree with everything you're saying, this is how he's explained it to me. Normally he doesn't communicate well but on our walk after he asked for divorce he was very clear in telling me how life had been for him recently. I guess through Lockdown we stopped communicating as the house is small and DH communication is normally shouty and I don't want DS to hear. Its stuff like that, our disagreements, that he thinks I've protected DS from him. When it's more protecting from us.
I didn't grow up in a household where I heard shouting, DH did.
DH moodiness, is more muttering under breath, slamming cupboards, just that thickness in the air. But he's communicated to me, that by saying to DS careful DH is in a mood, just makes him feel like an outsider. I've apologised and haven't done it since, but also feel like I would of probably said that if DH was DS bio dad.
@nataliaserene thank you for your advice, I've had to tell my friends I know he's not perfect but right now the issue isnt how I feel, it's how I've made him feel
@jbem4 DS takes after DH so much, they have their own private jokes (although this seems much less now that DS is a teen). Since he was in trouble at school and I told his dad I haven't kept him informed of much else, but I've also told DH that he doesn't see when I say to DS 'you wait til I tell dh' . I really didn't think I gave much authority to DS bio dad but looking back I've given him way too much power over DH

Yes @PurpleOkapi, I agree that his desire to be a parent is perfectly normal and he is totally entitled to grieve for the child that he might now never have. However, that sense of loss that he might be feeling doesn't give him a free pass to make nasty hurtful comments about the OP, nor does it suddenly give him any rights to assert his way of doing things with regard to the OP's son because that's the nearest he'll get to having his own child. I know you agree with this but I'm just emphasising the point.

The OP has said that she thinks her DH is too harsh with her ds. She has said that he isn't happy about the ds doing normal teenage stuff like spending more time in his room, going out on his bike with his friends and being a bit grumpier than usual (but not rude). She has said that she has previously felt the need to warn her ds to stay out of his stepdad's way when he has been in a bad mood.

None of that is healthy and it isn't fair on the ds. Yes, the OP's dh has clearly had a difficult year and he is struggling with his mental health, but that doesn't give him a license to bully, control or manipulate his family.

Man if the house wanting you to crack down on rising-adult male? Wanting you to back him up when he tries to assert his authority over a step son?

Read Hamlet. See the Lion King. Classic struggle.

I guess through Lockdown we stopped communicating as the house is small and DH communication is normally shouty and I don't want DS to hear. Its stuff like that, our disagreements, that he thinks I've protected DS from him. When it's more protecting from us.

Bottom line is who wants to live like this? With a man who’s communication is ‘normally shouty’? Whose moods, muttering, cupboard slamming dominates the whole house.

You’re right to protect your DS from that although in reality you can’t.

When DH hears you warning DS that DH is in a mood, rather than reviewing his own behaviour and modifying it - he simply accuses you of making him feel like an outsider.

He’s very self-centred and emotionally immature.