Husband has left me, is it too late to ask for step parenting advice

[Singlemummentality]

DH has asked for a divorce and moved out. He tells me he has had enough of me preventing him from being a dad to our DS (my DS from another relationship) DH has been in DS15 life from the age of 3. DH says I seem to protect DS from him. I have always thought they had a lovely relationship and that it wasn't necessary for me to nurture it. DS still sees his dad.
DH and I spoke recently and he said it was over and that he's tried to talk to me but I don't seem to be putting anything into action. He is really struggling and very angry that I haven't noticed/ cared/ helped him.
Please tell me how you have achieved a good relationship between yourself, your partner and your children. I'm struggling to find any information online and have noone in real life who has step children/married to someone who isn't their child's parent to ask advice from. I really want to save my marriage. DH says he loves me he just can't go on anymore and that I've said the right things I've just not put things into practice.
I can tell my DH is really angry with me that he feels he has no choice but to walk away.
I can't believe it's come to this and that I'm having to post my personal business online, but I don't know where else to turn. My friends are there for me in real life and have been amazing at listening and offering advice. But I need advice on how to handle the situation even though I'm aware it's probably already too late

Like I said, OP, it sounds like you have made your decision. I genuinely hope it works out for you.

Thank you all who have posted, I'm struggling to keep up and respond to you all. This is really helping and I'm getting some good points and perspectives. Whether he'll be willing to work on things, probably not, but I need to know I've tried my best.
And the ones telling me I've dodged a bullet, they will help me once he rejects all my offers of counselling and trying.
One thing I won't do is beg or try to persuade him. He needs to be at the decision to try himself otherwise it won't work

It sounds like there's been the perfect storm what with lockdown, his mental health, infertility issues, communication problems, DS being a teenager etc. but he's happy to blame you entirely. From your updates it sounds like he needs to be coddled and takes things far too personally. An emotionally mature person would see the need for your DS dad, as rubbish as he may be, to remain in your DS life and you of course have done the right thing by facilitating that. I'd understand your DH struggling to settle into the dynamic 10+ yrs ago but why now?

iirc, two weeks before he announced he wanted a divorce you found out that you'd need IVF in order to try for a baby. The issues he's citing as his reasons for leaving don't happen over night, they brew for years. Yet he was happy to try for a baby up to that point while resenting you? It doesn't add up. The comment he made about that is awful by the way and your willingness to gloss over it as "people say hurtful things when upset" makes me wonder if he has form for saying cruel things when emotional. You said he's shouty too, also not good.

From his point of view, he feels he's not been heard. That you were all talk and no action. But did he ever make it clear how serious he was about all this? That it could end your marriage?

It mostly just comes across as him having a fragile ego and you walking on eggshells to appease him while trying to do the right thing for your son. You are very quick to blame yourself but honestly it might be a good thing for him to go and figure his shit out on his own as I think your part in this is minimal compared to his own shortcomings.

@PurpleOkapi he's even said we have a great relationship aside from parenting DS. He's also said that it's because of DS that hes stuck around for so long (whether he means this or its anger I'm unsure)
The incidents we have really are few and far between, emotions are just heightened because of everything going on. I think DH sits and dwells on something that happened 3 months ago and it becomes bigger and bigger in his head. He's a great step parent. His parenting is brilliant, he's just long winded so I'll step in to stop him so that DS can focus on what he's said and not lose him by going off on a tangent. I know why I'm doing things the way I do, but now DH is telling me how it is from his side so I get that I'm wrong. I don't want to come across as blaming myself. I'm just recognising my own errors and poor judgement on the situations we've faced

You say what I’ve written is upsetting but you’re not actually engaging with it, OP.

Yes teenagers stay in their rooms. Yes it’s fine to be happy in your own company. But regardless- you made a clear decision that your DS should be advised to modify his behaviour, rather than your DH.

I’m sorry but I think i see where your priorities are. And like my DM, you’ve chosen your husband. Which is fine- but be prepared for the consequences in terms of your relationship with your DS.

The very fact that your DH even THOUGHT to say to tell your DS that it “wasn’t his fault”, and that you’ve picked that up so strongly, acknowledges that there is a level on which everyone in the family has acknowledged there is a dynamic issue or something between your DS and your DH. If it was really just between the two of you, and your DS wasn’t impacted - why would this even be a thing you would need to reassure him on?

@AlexaShutUp I've just read your question and no i really wouldn't want DS growing up to become a man banging about with moodiness in front of his own family because of behaviours he's learnt. Thank you for letting me see that

He shouts at you and your son.
He made an unforgiveable comment about your fertility.
He blamed you for wanting to leave (even if he was right, should he have framed it that way in the conversation- leaving you feel so crushed?).
He’s walked out.

I think you have a lucky escape and I wouldn’t rule out another woman.

Let the twat go. His comment about your infertility shows you exactly what he thinks about you.

@CaddieDawg

My mum used to do this with my step dads. One was in our lives for 9 years. He wasn't ever 'allowed' to do any of the behaviour or strict parenting, only driving us around and cooking for us etc. He left because of it. He'd already brought up his own daughter and was a good parent, just slightly different style to my mum. My mum didn't see that kids need different perspectives some times, and that to keep doing the same thing over and over will likely get you the same results. She should have stood back sometimes to see how his way of handling things worked out, even if it isn't what she would have done. She was much more shouty/I'll tell your Grandad (Dad wasn't in the picture), he was much more have a chat about it and agree some boundaries.

Lots of my characteristics come from him and we were gutted when he left. He then just disappeared and to this day I haven't seen or heard from him again as this is what my mum asked for. It was awful. He was a really nice guy but just felt like he was a live in housekeeper/housemaid by the end because of her undermining him and it all ended when me and my siblings got to teenage years and started to try and divide and conquer or just push boundaries as it became a lot more apparent.

Will your DS be able to keep in contact with DH if you do split? What does DS think of it all?

That's a sad story @CaddieDawg

I wonder if you could track him down now

I have to say I’m a bit baffled by your DH.

He is happy to state to your ds that he didn’t become his dad because he married you but he is upset that he isn’t allowed to be a dad to him….

He is unhappy that you have different ideas about parenting and expect you follow HIS lead (as in he has to be right and you have to back him up).

He is unhappy about your ds staying in his room and acting as a teenager and takes it personally.

He is stating that being able to act as a parent to your ds is extremely important to him but is ready to just leave. Which means leaving with no rights at all towards your ds (and of course no responsibilities).

He says that he has been telling you for years but you never listened to him. But has never suggested family or couple counselling to try and listen to each other better (on the grounds too that blended families are harder to make it work)

I suspect that how he is going to behave in the next few weeks will tell a lot about whether he is putting your ds well-being first and foremost or not tbh.

@Weenurse

Sounds like DS is getting to the age where he is testing to see who is the alpha male in the household . By you not backing DH, DH is feeling unsupported and undermined. It is hard to keep your mouth shut, when you don’t agree with what is being said, but it is important to present a United front. I don’t know how many times I bit my tongue when DH argued with the teens. I would speak to him separately afterward and state my position. We would then come to an agreement and present a United, calm front when outlining things to the teens. Sometimes DH position would change, and he would acknowledge this, sometimes not. “ after discussion with your mother, we feel/ would like / would prefer…..” . Good luck

I agree with this.

If your DH has always been a good dad to your son, showed him love, kindness, support and stability, then I think you should be co-parenting with him - which means not undermining him in front of your son, and involving him in the parenting decisions.

And if that’s what the situation is (ie that he’s a decent man who has been a good husband and stepfather to your son), then I think you should tell him that you see how you’ve excluded him and want to change. The crack about your fertility was cruel and uncalled for, but it sounds like it came from a place of pain. Talk to him, and consider some marriage counselling.

@iwishiwasafish
@Singlemummentality why do you want to stay with him so much?

I notice you are ignoring posters who point out that the way he has been treating you and your DS is awful.

I think because I'm talking about the issues it seems that he's a horrible man, and I'm giving the wrong impression. I'm not talking about all the great things he does for us and how much fun he is and loving.
I'm focusing on the step parenting as that's where the issue lies.
For instance DS, without giving to much away as I already feel so recognisable from this thread, has issues with something (think bones, muscles, skin etc something to do with the body) and as its not too bad we wouldn't get help through the NHS, so DH has paid thousands££ to correct this issue for DS.

I'm sure there'll be a time when I will read this back and be greatful to all the posters telling me he's treating us awful. But atm I don't see it, and am focused on trying to get my marriage and DS relationship with DH back on track.

Also I'm really trying to reply to everyone without repeating myself and boring you all

[quote Singlemummentality]@AlexaShutUp I've just read your question and no i really wouldn't want DS growing up to become a man banging about with moodiness in front of his own family because of behaviours he's learnt. Thank you for letting me see that[/quote]
OK, so on one level, you know that your DH's behaviour is unacceptable because you wouldn't want your ds to emulate it. Perhaps it's worth reflecting on that some more?

Your ds will learn about relationships from watching the relationship between you and your dh. Think carefully about what you want to teach him.

Sometimes it's easier to take the blame on ourselves than it is to confront the reality that other people are not necessarily as good or kind as we thought they were. In a way, I suppose that blaming ourselves is a way of convincing ourselves that we are still in control of the situation. But we aren't always in control of what happens, and sometimes, there really isn't anything that we could have done to make things turn out differently.

I'm not saying that you have been the perfect wife, OP. I'm sure that you have made mistakes, like all of us do. However, from everything that you've told us, it really doesn't strike me as if you're the one in the wrong here.

My guess (and yes it’s only a guess) seeing the timing of him bailing out is that he always wanted to be a father.

He was hoping to be a (replacement) father for your ds but it’s not turning out as well as he thought. In particular, he can’t be a father exactly the way he wants rather than having to take your pov into account.

Now he has to face the fact he might never be a father with you due to issues of infertility.

So he is choosing to bail out and avoid the issue instead :(

Actually I don’t agree with the alpha male part, I agree with the united front part.

he's even said we have a great relationship aside from parenting DS. He's also said that it's because of DS that hes stuck around for so long (whether he means this or its anger I'm unsure)

Well those two things can't both be true. He's messing with your head. And it's not healthy to be with someone who expresses anger in that way. He lashes out at you and says he wants to leave and that keeps you off balance. You don't know where you stand with him. How is that healthy?

He needs to be at the decision to try himself otherwise it won't work

Fine, but be careful. Don't waste too much of your life waiting and hoping that he will decide to try. He may not refuse outright but he could keep dangling hope in fornt of you forever, and never actually decide.

[quote Singlemummentality]@iwishiwasafish
@Singlemummentality why do you want to stay with him so much?

I notice you are ignoring posters who point out that the way he has been treating you and your DS is awful.

I think because I'm talking about the issues it seems that he's a horrible man, and I'm giving the wrong impression. I'm not talking about all the great things he does for us and how much fun he is and loving.
I'm focusing on the step parenting as that's where the issue lies.
For instance DS, without giving to much away as I already feel so recognisable from this thread, has issues with something (think bones, muscles, skin etc something to do with the body) and as its not too bad we wouldn't get help through the NHS, so DH has paid thousands££ to correct this issue for DS.

I'm sure there'll be a time when I will read this back and be greatful to all the posters telling me he's treating us awful. But atm I don't see it, and am focused on trying to get my marriage and DS relationship with DH back on track.

Also I'm really trying to reply to everyone without repeating myself and boring you all [/quote]
It sounds like you have relied on DH quite heavily from a financial perspective, OP. And it sounds like he has been very generous, but that was presumably a choice that he made of his own free will? It doesn't give him the right to dictate how you should parent your child.
And it doesn't give him the right to treat you and your ds badly either.

Btw he can at the same time be a really nice person, being involved with your ds, spending money for him etc…

AND

Nit be such a nice person, for example because he wants things his way and his way only.

The problem is that whatever good things he does don’t cancel the less good ones.
The question is more whether those less good things are actually acceptable to you because the good things will not stop you and your ds hurting from the less good ones iyswim.

It's a shame the issues with parenting DS could not have been raised sooner so it didn't get to the final straw.

To be fair interrupting him when he is speaking to DS and disagreeing with parenting style in front of DS regularly would be a step to far for many people.

It's a shame he made that unfortunate comment but t sounds like he has a lot of resentment towards you that has been building for some time.

@Winter2020 yes you are roughly right on age, my friends have all started having children in the last year or 2, as have my family. So we are surrounded by everyone starting their own family's now, when I had DS I was very young and had no friends with children DS age. I doubt very much we'll even reach the point of trying for a baby again, I just want to reach a point of some counselling atm.
@AmaryllisNightAndDay I'm devastated that they think I'm the problem. When he said there's nothing more to say but then has wanted to talk when he's collected his things a few times, I do get confused by what he wants.
When he moved out I said to him I know we're over. But I don't want you to make a massive mistake, so let's give it a month or 2, or longer if you need and we'll discuss it again, you might be feeling differently then and see that we can get through it.
So I'm worried that his wanting to talk is about that and he doesn't want to talk in 2 months or it's about the house as we own it together and he wants to sell it.
@deeni I think because I know I've been there before, said spiteful things when I was younger, where I'd push someone away with my words when all I wanted was for them to hug me and let me know everything would be alright. I learnt this wasn't a way to behave and have completely changed and turned that behaviour around.

because I'm talking about the issues it seems that he's a horrible man, and I'm giving the wrong impression. I'm not talking about all the great things he does for us and how much fun he is and loving.

But now you make him sound two-faced and unstable. He's fun and loving and throws money at your son... just until he gets angry about something. And then instead of dealing with it properly he turns really nasty and aggressive and passive-aggressive. And your solution is - boom-tish! - don't make him angry,

(Which just to be clear - is not a solution. Not for you and not for DS either.)

@CBroads

He's not your DS dad. I bet DS's real dad would have something to say about your DP trying to take over his role. Sounds like you value your marriage more than your relationship with your son.

I'm not convinced the dad who had seen his ds 5 times in 2 years, never does the running to and from contact nor has contributed financially actually cares another man is taking his father role. He clearly doesn't want it himself and it's his stepdad who is doing all the keg work and financial work to provide for him.

@LopsidedWombat I've told him I encourage the relationship so that DS doesn't have abandonment and daddy issues when he's older. DS and his dad's relationship is very seperate from our lives and he's rarely mentioned. Recently though DS dad has suffered with his MH (he has underlying health issues that have caused this plus loss of family members) and so he has been mentioned more at home as his mum calls me to keep me in the loop so I can be aware of what's happening for DS sake. I think this has also contributed.
What you have said about up to 2 weeks ago he wanted to try for a baby when he felt like this I need to ask him about. If it was that bad for him why would he be trying for a baby.
2 months ago, he made it clear of things didn't change out marriage would be over. This is the first time I heard him. I made changes. Everything was OK, I said we should look at counseling, he said I think we don't need to we're doing OK.
@VaguelyInteresting I think he said to reassure DS it wasn't his fault, is because it seems to be in every parenting book/ or in films where you are told to reaause the child its not their fault. I'm really not choosing my DH over my DS, I'm choosing the family life we have built together. I will talk some more to DS and see how he feels about it all, when I have over the last few weeks he doesn't tell me anything. He's confused why I'm asking him how he feels about it all. I think he understands its mine and DH issues to resolve and not his. With DS it's like getting blood out of a stone trying to get him to open up, it really is confusing to him that I think he's got an opinion on the matter. He's just happy watching netflix and talking to his friends about gaming.

@DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping thank you for understanding. This is where I'm at. I really don't think DH is being cruel and a bully, I think he's wrapped up in his own emotions atm and that's OK. He can take some time out. I juts hope it is that, some time out, and I hope that we can come back together to work through it once he's had some space. I hope he allows me to show him how appreciated he is and loved by us both and is very much a part of this family.