Husband has left me, is it too late to ask for step parenting advice

[Singlemummentality]

DH has asked for a divorce and moved out. He tells me he has had enough of me preventing him from being a dad to our DS (my DS from another relationship) DH has been in DS15 life from the age of 3. DH says I seem to protect DS from him. I have always thought they had a lovely relationship and that it wasn't necessary for me to nurture it. DS still sees his dad.
DH and I spoke recently and he said it was over and that he's tried to talk to me but I don't seem to be putting anything into action. He is really struggling and very angry that I haven't noticed/ cared/ helped him.
Please tell me how you have achieved a good relationship between yourself, your partner and your children. I'm struggling to find any information online and have noone in real life who has step children/married to someone who isn't their child's parent to ask advice from. I really want to save my marriage. DH says he loves me he just can't go on anymore and that I've said the right things I've just not put things into practice.
I can tell my DH is really angry with me that he feels he has no choice but to walk away.
I can't believe it's come to this and that I'm having to post my personal business online, but I don't know where else to turn. My friends are there for me in real life and have been amazing at listening and offering advice. But I need advice on how to handle the situation even though I'm aware it's probably already too late

@alexashutup no not rude just grunty generally.
Sadly you're all probably right in saying I need to let him go. This morning I was fully accepting of the fact it was over and that I needed to move on. And then this afternoon he called to ask if he could pop over to grab some bits and was on his way. I let him in and kind of just got on with what I was doing and he made a little conversation about our dog and I in turn was happy to talk about the dog and inform him on how she had been. He went up stairs and grabbed an outfit and then said OK well ill go then.
I spoke to him after he left on the phone and he said he was annoyed that I hadn't included him in something with the dog and that he had thought we could talk some more whilst he was there but I didn't seem interested. This is why I'm now hoping that by getting some advice and getting a plan together that there's the tiniest chance that he's willing to work on things, I'm probably wrong, but if there's a tiny chance to save this and work on our issues and go to counselling then I really don't want to miss it

So does he actually want a divorce or is he just saying that to try to manipulate you?

Don't you see its all on his terms? He swans out blaming you for everything, and swans back in when he likes expecting you to be grateful for his presence and talk because he wants to.

You don't have to jump just because he says so, and you don't need to keep blaming yourself.

When he announced he was on his way he didn't say it was to talk. He said it was to pick up some things. There's every chance if you'd done the hopeful "can we talk?" thing he would have rejected you. As you didn't fall to your knees and beg forgiveness you've angered him and dented his ego. He doesn't have the control over you that he thought he had.

If you did end up working things out, I'd be very wary of falling into a dynamic where you cave to his every demand just to get him back. These leaves you in a vulnerable position where he has all the power - because as soon as you put a toe out of line he'll threaten to leave again to put you back in your place.

I think hes floored by the infertlity diagnosis and is taking out on you. I think your son idolising his shitty absent father has highlighted what he thinks he will now never have. Its not your fault and he really needs to go

[quote Singlemummentality]@monsterpumpkins yes I think DH is resentful, he does all the parenting, pays for DS, puts a roof over his head, pays for everything he wants, gives advice, takes him for boytime and haircuts but doesn't receive the recognition as his dad. While DS dad pays nothing, sees him barely ever, never takes him out but is still loved and idolised by DS[/quote]
Your "D"H is an adult who should understand that a child has a bond with hos father regardless of whether his parents are together still, and actively encourage that, not resent it.

Based on that alone, you need to leave this man. He will do huge damage to your DS as he gets older when it sounds like you and your ex have maintained good relationships with DS so far without putting him in the middle of a war.

His comment about fertility is even more disgusting, and him telling you what to say is controlling. Put your DS first and divorce your DH. He is clearly not who your thought he was when you married him.

@Singlemummentality

I understand people can say hurtful, spiteful things when they're angry so I can let that comment go. I asked him a few days later about that comment and he said to be honest it's not even about that (another baby through ivf) it's about me preventing him from fathering DS.

But he isn't your DS's father! He has a father already. If he cannot accept that then he cannot be in your lives without massively damaging your DS.

@Singlemummentality

Over the last year and a half, as DS became a teenager and started being moodiwr and talking less, we'd get into arguments about DS, and DH would say we'll I'll just stay out of it then coz you're not listening to what I want. And I'd just say OK then. And then it would happen again. On repeat. So please don't think DH is to blame. It really is me. He thinks I'm stuck in the mentality of being a single mum and having to do everything for him and not allowing him to be involved. And maybe I have been without realising.

What he wants?!? Who gives a shit what he wants?

Do what is best for your son.

It sounds like he desperately wants to be a dad. It’s a valid feeling, the same as desperately wanting to be a mum. His comment about your fertility was outrageous, maybe he’d already decided to leave and stopped caring by that point.

I think your dh has done you a favour really. Why aren’t you allowed to disagree with him? Why can’t you call him grumpy if he is being grumpy?

He's not completely committed to being a father to DS though, is he, if he can just up and leave, or threaten to, instead of asking to talk things over. He's using DS and his relationship with DS, as a way to avoid a conversation.

He sounds very hurt. And you seem to understand/agree with what he’s saying. He has accepted the responsibility and work of being a father to your son but does not seem to be getting the respect of one from you. Can you talk to him and show you understand and are willing to work on it?

DH and DS really do get on well. We all banter each other all the time, household is generally happy, just since Lockdown his mood swings (which I now realise was maybe bad mental health) would be more frequent. DS relies on DH alot, and doesn't rely on his own dad for anything.
I really don't think I've explained things very well, as when DH was telling me how he felt, after he'd calmed down from asking for a divorce, he was really heartbroken about the way I'd been making him feel.
His family have told him he doesn't seem himself anymore, and that he needs to stop thinking about me and DS and put his own happiness first. Which is why he's standing by the fact we have to seperate.
(I hate that they think his mental health is my doing, when I believe it's a combination of a rough time recently with all that I've already stated about infertility and his injury etc)
The day he left home, a week after asking for a divorce, we had been on a walk and he had said there's nothing else to say, we've said it all, and then he hugged me and told me he loved me and kissed me on the lips and I could just tell he was so sad that it was over.
I don't think he's saying it for an ultimatum, but I do think he's struggling with his decision. Which is why most of the time he's really angry with me when he comes to collect something, as he blames me for it getting to this.
I really do appreciate all your comments, I'm sitting here in tears reading it all, it's just hard to accept that my life won't be how I thought it would be.

In your shoes I would be willing to work on this and try to resolve the issues.

@nataliaserene this is it, this is understanding where he's coming from. I need to work out how to show him that respect, and do it without having to completely disregard that DS does have a dad.
When we married we told him you're dad is still your dad, and DH is still DH just officially your stepdad now.
Please anyone some advice on how to show him that things can be turned around from here

@Singlemummentality

He's asked me to back him up if he's talking about something. I don't always agree with him so would sometimes interrupt him to have my say. He thinks I should of let him finish and pulled him aside afterwards. He thinks if DS was moody to him I should of put him in check. I'm trying to remember everything he has said, I thought everything was OK, but he's told me about loads of instances where I've not been supportive. I must admit he's right in all instances. If DH was angry in lockdown about something, I'd tell DS to stay away from DH today he's in a mood. I can't believe I actually did that

Well it does sound as if you were undermining him. Interrupting when he was talking about something and "having your say" would be really horrible for him. I'm a step mother and I'd hate it if I was trying to talk to SDC and my husband interrupted to have his say.

I must admit he's right in all instances . So I guess he has been putting up with a lot over time, and he has snapped. Personally I don't blame him - if my husband had done this when I was interacting with my step children ( or our biological children ) I"d be fed up too.

If his MH is as bad as you say, don't you think some time apart for him to work on it would do you both good? Its not fair on you or your DS to be carrying the burden and you being blamed for it.

It may be that with medication and counselling, his fog will lift and he will see a way through it.

I'm sorry but regardless of your updates sympathising with him and blaming yourself, I stand by my post that says he's being manipulative and unfair.

What sort of relationship has the dynamic of "well if you didn't do xyz then I wouldn't be grumpy/want to leave etc"? It means you're jumping through all the hoops and he can move the goalposts at will.

If he shows willing to getting treatment for his MH and work through his issues, thats one thing. Putting all the blame on you and no responsibility himself is a disaster waiting to happen.

[quote Singlemummentality]@monsterpumpkins yes I think DH is resentful, he does all the parenting, pays for DS, puts a roof over his head, pays for everything he wants, gives advice, takes him for boytime and haircuts but doesn't receive the recognition as his dad. While DS dad pays nothing, sees him barely ever, never takes him out but is still loved and idolised by DS[/quote]
So you've allowed him to be a parent in every way except when he trys to parent?

From what you've said about his birth father and the lack of a relationship you're over compensating and respecting his position more than your DH's.

You've not said how your son feels or how he sees your DH. Does he refer to him as his dad when talking about him to others?

Do you not trust your DH to discipline your DS or call out his behaviour if he sees fit?

@starrynight21 I'm so annoyed at myself for not seeing that this is what I was doing to him.
We spoke recently and he told me he was upset by this so I made changes. But they wasn't the right changes.
DS and DH were having a conversation about DS behaviour and I left them to it and stayed in the bedroom upstairs, once they was finished with their conversation and DS walked past the room, I told DS about something similar that happened to me when I was younger. I was relating to him. DH saw this as undermining too. I didn't realise this until he said it.

@jbem4 I do let him teach him lessons, I feel like sometimes hes too harsh. I don't ever rely on his dad to parent, but last year he got into trouble at school and I said to DS wait until we tell your dad about this. And I said do you want to tell him or shall I. Whereas with DH I called DH straight away and filled him in and said I'm going upto the school and I'll tell you more when I'm home. Really looking back I should of put the fear into his stepdad finding out not his dad.
DS refers to DH as stepdad to others, if he's talking to his friends he'll say that's my stepdad. I've not heard him talk about his dad to friends only family, and he does seem to be defensive of his dad, when there's no need to be. Me and DH have always taken him and collected from his dad's no problem over the years, DH more so than me as I would normally work weekends. So DH would see more of DS sometimes than I did, and go out and do more things together. I just don't think he's remembering these things, just concentrating on the bad

Op do you really really feel that this man is who you want to spend your life with, and the man you want in your son's life? Really? Genuinely, deep down? Because some of what you've said makes me feel that he isn't the paradigm of virtue you want to suggest he is.

You're reinforcing your ex's position as a parent and it's one that isn't deserved, realistic, or consistent. Therefore you're removing any authority from DH.

Look closer. How many of DS traits and behaviours have come from DH? His values, character and personality?

Your son will idolise your ex. Children crave acceptance and love from the people who don't show it.

He'll see and understand it himself one day.

But seriously stop giving power and respect to a man who chooses to not want it and give it to the man who chose to love and raise this boy as his own.

I am a (full time) stepmother.

I don’t understand when people say leave to biological parents. It’s not fair when you have to live with the negative behaviour.

From what you said you have had him parent when convenient then undermine when not convenient. It is horrible to feel your partner is protecting their children from you particularly when you have done above and beyond, for children you are not obligated to, or biologically wired to.

It seems stepfathers are often doing the bulk of financially supporting the household/stepchildren too.

The infertility must have devastating for him. He feels undervalued for everything he has done and now this.
He really shouldn’t have said what he said but and as many of us know infertility can be truly devastating. Who hasn’t said things at rock bottom.

I’m afraid if I were his family or friend, I would tell him to prioritise himself.

I would start by conveying that you can see he feels extremely hurt and undermined. That you can see where he’s coming from and why he feels like he does.

It’s an opening. Describe how you think he feels and then ask if you are getting it right. And listen to him. Te him his feelings are important.

And doing this doesn’t mean he’s perfect or that you don’t have feeling of your own, but might open up a dialogue and help you communicate with one another.

OP, no. Stop blaming yourself. He sounds like a horrendous prick.

Sorry Let him fuck off.

He sounds like a giant man-baby.

And …

he was really heartbroken about the way I'd been making him feel.

You’re not making him feel anything. It’s just what he is feeling. Stop by taking all the responsibility here.