Husband has left me, is it too late to ask for step parenting advice

[Singlemummentality]

DH has asked for a divorce and moved out. He tells me he has had enough of me preventing him from being a dad to our DS (my DS from another relationship) DH has been in DS15 life from the age of 3. DH says I seem to protect DS from him. I have always thought they had a lovely relationship and that it wasn't necessary for me to nurture it. DS still sees his dad.
DH and I spoke recently and he said it was over and that he's tried to talk to me but I don't seem to be putting anything into action. He is really struggling and very angry that I haven't noticed/ cared/ helped him.
Please tell me how you have achieved a good relationship between yourself, your partner and your children. I'm struggling to find any information online and have noone in real life who has step children/married to someone who isn't their child's parent to ask advice from. I really want to save my marriage. DH says he loves me he just can't go on anymore and that I've said the right things I've just not put things into practice.
I can tell my DH is really angry with me that he feels he has no choice but to walk away.
I can't believe it's come to this and that I'm having to post my personal business online, but I don't know where else to turn. My friends are there for me in real life and have been amazing at listening and offering advice. But I need advice on how to handle the situation even though I'm aware it's probably already too late

I think it’s deeper than this, but this is convenient to blame,

Tbh @Singlemummentality, he is sounding worse with everything that you post. You can make excuses for him, but your first responsibility is to your ds.

His comment about your fertility was disgusting.
He clearly wants to leave and it’s cruel to have placed the burden of this entirely on you by blaming you for his choice.
Is there any chance he might have a new partner?

What TatianaBis said - agree.
Your DH sounds a nightmare for your child - do you want to lose your child in order to satisfy this difficult man?

@AlexaShutUp

I agree, of course, but I don't think it's clear that's what's actually happening. Much of it is rather vague, and some of the rest may be due to OP's own actions. If she's telling DS to avoid DH because "DH is in a mood," then of course DS will spend more time in is room. That's true whether DH was "in a mood" or not. So it's understandable to me that he'd be upset about that.

And if (granted, it's an assumption) the infertility diagnosis stemmed from unsuccessfully TTC, she can't have thought his pseudo-parenting of DS was too terrible. She seemed to think they had a great relationship this whole time, and maybe they do. Though, just because she didn't think it was terrible doesn't mean it wasn't. So I guess that one could go either way.

Of course OP's infertility doesn't give him any more 'parenting rights' over DS than he had before as a stepfather. But I think it's understandable that learning DS is all he's ever going to get would give him a stronger desire to parent DS. And if OP's not on the same page about that (perhaps for good reason), then this may not be salvageable. Maybe DH did plenty of things wrong, but I don't think getting to that point necessarily requires any fault by anyone.

To ask the question in a different way, OP, if you didn't say anything about your DH's moods and allowed your ds instead to grow up thinking that shouting, muttering, banging cupboards etc is normal male behaviour, would you be happy with that? Is that how you would want him to behave around his own wife and children in the future?

Sorry op, I think he sounds awful and you would be well rid of him. Slamming cupboard, muttering and being shouty. No wonder you tell your ds to steer clear. You have been protecting your ds from him for a while, I bet you don’t even realise how long it’s been. Dh sounds like an angry man.

Don’t jeopardise your relationship with your ds to appease your dh.

@Notsurewheretogo unfortunately situation 1 is how he feels. I haven't done it on purpose, I think I was to focused on my own feelings when I should of seen DH struggling. I've made him feel like an outsider in his own home and it isn't fair. Maybe he could of communicated better, but I should of talked to him to understand him better instead of avoiding him.
@GeorgiaGirl52 yes depression, grief and frustration on his part.
@starrynight21 I've always let him 'step parent' but he's annoyed I've not let him 'parent' so yes I agree with what youre saying.
@itsgettingwierd I've suggested marriage counselling but I think counselling on infertility and parenting issues is what we need. I have suggested maybe he speaks to someone about his MH he just said that maybe he does but that's upto him to decide. His family are lovely, I love his mum so much, and I'm glad they're supporting him and that he feels like he's got someone to turn to as only 2 weeks ago he said he felt like he had noone to turn to. I'm just devastated that by them saying "do what's right for you" they're encouraging him to leave me

@Singlemummentality why do you want to stay with him so much?

I notice you are ignoring posters who point out that the way he has been treating you and your DS is awful.

@Singlemummentality

I understand people can say hurtful, spiteful things when they're angry so I can let that comment go. I asked him a few days later about that comment and he said to be honest it's not even about that (another baby through ivf) it's about me preventing him from fathering DS.

But he’s not your DS dad, and he never will be!! I’m a step child, and I adore my step parents. My actual dad is also a bit of a dick, and realistically I know my step dad did more for me than my dad ever did. But step dad is my step dad and my dad is my dad. End of!! You have overall parental responsibility.

I’d be inclined to think he’s very very sad that you have not had a child of your own yet, but that is no reason to put this all on you 💐

Hi OP,
With a 15 year old child you must be around 35 years old give or take a few years.

You have described your partners manner and your relationship as:

"DH communication is normally shouty and I don't want DS to hear. Its stuff like that, our disagreements, that he thinks I've protected DS from him. When it's more protecting from us.
I didn't grow up in a household where I heard shouting, DH did.
DH moodiness, is more muttering under breath, slamming cupboards,"

Do you really want to try for a new baby in this relationship? Do you think that a new baby would improve the atmosphere at home. I think it is much more likely to go from bad to worse as parents are sleep deprived and lack of personal space and privacy with a baby needing it's parents all the time.

If DH isn't up to the job and walks when you have a new baby (perhaps if the baby is disabled or has special needs) you will be spending your 40s/50s and beyond caring. Is that really what you want to do having already raised one child to being a teenager.

I had my youngest at 39 (planned) so have a 3 and a half year old and a nearly 12 years and while he is great and loved I am jealous seeing the freedom of our friends from our eldest son's peers families. No relaxing meals/coffee shops our or browsing museums/galleries for us! Not even bigger walks/hikes. Everything having to be decided by the needs of a small child or done separately with one child each. If I thought there was a reasonable chance my husband might walk (and with having done it before) that would have swung the balance to "no" for me. If you are on your own now then in time you can socialise with friends/holiday with your son/extended family/date again ...if you have a small child it will be very different and you could feel very isolated and lonely.

Think very carefully before you and your husband make up and seek fertility help. Is his mental health and comittment up to disturbed nights/constant time pressures balancing work and babies needs and greater financial pressures. It doesn't sound like it to me.

“His communication is normally shouty.” That’s not good.
I don’t get a good feeling about this person.

Please anyone some advice on how to show him that things can be turned around from here

Well you could give him a choice. You at least can see that you have not been perfect. So you can tell him that, but you need to stand up for the fact that he has not been perfect either. Either he goes to counselling and accepts that he has a role in the problem and a role in fixing it, just as much as you do, and that you both need to look at why you are making these mistakes and how you could both do better. Or else I would decide as a wife and mother that things can't be turned around.

Your husband makes a lot of extreme statements and then dials back on them. He also takes a lot of things very personally as if people are doing these things deliberately to him. Your son is a teenager, of course he's grumpy and wants to be with his mates, nothing to do with his status as a dad or not. You have fertility problems, you are not stopping him from being a father. He already told you there was "nothing more to say" but he still expects you to make the first move and speak to him (or says he does!) and doesn't step up and speak to you and then blames you for that. I am not sure how long I could stand being around someone who has become so passive-aggressive and self-pitying and who refuses to take his own responsibility for his own role in things going wrong. Or indeed someone who deals so badly with anger, shouting, banging doors and muttering, and taking no responsibility for doing better.

You can't "show him that things can be turned around" unless he is willing to turn things around too. By the sound of things he would like to stay as long as he doesn't need to change, but he would rather leave than make the neceessary changes to turn things around.

I'm just devastated that by them saying "do what's right for you" they're encouraging him to leave me

Why are you devastated? They are his family not your family. They will take his side not yours.

I have suggested maybe he speaks to someone about his MH he just said that maybe he does but that's up to him to decide.

And it is for you to decide whether you will live with someone who refuses to deal with his own MH issues. Saying he is going to leave seems to have become a way that your DH punishes you and tries to get his own way.

@WillYouDoTheFandango

His comment about your infertility is disgusting and in my view would be unforgivable.

Same, I could never get over such a spiteful and cruel comment. I know it would haunt me.

Why are you so damn forgiving?

He's not your DS dad. I bet DS's real dad would have something to say about your DP trying to take over his role. Sounds like you value your marriage more than your relationship with your son.

@Lunificent

“His communication is normally shouty.” That’s not good. I don’t get a good feeling about this person.

Same, this isn't normal or anywhere near healthy OP.

That sentence should actually be "he often shouts at me."

You know that in healthy, normal relationships between two decent, nice adults, there isn't that regular 'thickness in the air' as you perfectly described it? That tension, walking on eggshells, having to avoid someone as they're angry - and even worse having to tell your son to do so.

You're more worried your DH is upset you've told your son when to avoid him as he's angry than you are about the fact you're making your son live with a man who has such moods that your son has to be warned to stay out of his way.

No wonder your son is increasingly moody, it sounds like a dysfunctional, tense and shouty home. I grew up in one of those. It takes a shit load of therapy to realise how damaging and unfair it is on kids growing up in such a home.

I love my parents. But they were a shit couple, not a team and should have broken up years before they finally did.

You aren't compatible because nobody is actually compatible with someone whose communication style ja 'normally shouting'.

i'm hearing a lot of red flags in your Dh's behaviour, it all sounds very controlling and childlike, as if he expects everything to be on his terms, and when its not he gets moody and stompy.

He reminds me quite a bit of my ExH, especially what you said about the interaction you had when he came to pick some things up.. being 'normal' during, then coming back with a diatribe about how something you did/didn't do pissed him off... thats one of my Ex's tactics, and it drives me nuts.

He sounds borderline Emotionally Abusive and i really think you should let him go, because all i'm hearing here is how hard done by he thinks he is, and the only way to fix it is for you to change EVERYTHING, and him to change nothing.

Let him go, you'll be happier, trust me.

@CaddieDawg DH and DS will hopefully still have a relationship, I will definitely be encouraging it. DH is consistent in DS life and very much needed, especially now with DS a teen and needing keeping on a good path. They have seen each other once since he left to go to an appointment together and have msgd and talked on the phone a few times. I think DH is now struggling to see where he fits with DS as when I ask for advice on things with DS sometimes he's helpful and sometimes he's asking me why am I asking him for advice, why now?
@Justtobeclear oh god I really hope I wasn't like your sister, and yes unfortunately he does sound that he's exasperated that I've not listened and learnt from the past mistakes.
@Starlightstarbright1 yes it's really not black and white, it's so complicated. I didn't put in a claim to csa for years and years as I felt bad for leaving DS dad, which is probably why I am the way I am with him. I feel guilt over splitting up a dad from his DS just because I didn't want to be with his dad anymore. I only claimed csa for 2 years which was ridiculously low, about £20.41 a month. And then they told me I wasn't entitled to anything as his dad had a low income job and other children. I I feel like he had so much potential to do great but after I left him he just went downhill.
DH hasn't apologised for the comment. I don't think I'll be getting one till he calms down or starts looking at where he's responsible for any of our problems.
@VaguelyInteresting I will talk to DS today as this is really upsetting to read. I need to let DS know it wasn't him that DH was in a mood with. DS has always been happy in his own company, as have I, so its not unusual for him to be in his room. Plus he was online learning so would stay in his room for the peace and then once online learning was finished him and his friends would talk all evening long on house party or online gaming.
When DH left, he told me to ensure that DS knew that he wasn't to blame and wasn't at fault. It was between us 2 and that he still loved him very much and he could talk to him whenever he needed to

From the OP's responses so far, it looks like she has made a decision. She wants to make her marriage work, even if that means making excuses for his behaviour and taking all of the blame on herself. Who knows what the reasons are for this? Maybe she feels trapped financially? Maybe she has poor self esteem? Maybe she just doesn't want to believe that the man she chose to marry is in the wrong.

Ultimately, it's her decision, I suppose. I hope that it will work out for her. I hope that her ds will be OK. I hope that she won't regret this decision in a few years time. I guess that's a risk that she's willing to take.

@AlexaShutup

That’s assuming he agrees to make it work, which he may not given that the driver for the split seems to be OP’s fertility issues, which he’s blaming on other things to avoid looking like the bad guy.

If he doesn’t come back OP and DS will have dodged a bullet.

I'm just devastated that by them saying "do what's right for you" they're encouraging him to leave me

You have no idea what he tells them. Their son/brother has come to them telling them his marriage is unhappy. He may be saying he isn't sure of the right thing to do and they have said he needs to figure it out and do what's best for him.

Would you prefer them to tell him he must stay even if he isn't happy? They have noticed his mental health getting worse of course they want him to do what he needs to help himself. Even if that means you.

These people are his family. They are you inlaws. In most families they are going to stand by the person they related to.

[quote TatianaBis]@AlexaShutup

That’s assuming he agrees to make it work, which he may not given that the driver for the split seems to be OP’s fertility issues, which he’s blaming on other things to avoid looking like the bad guy.

If he doesn’t come back OP and DS will have dodged a bullet.[/quote]
Well, yes, one can only hope @TatianaBis.

@AlexaShutUp @PurpleOkapi sorry I've misled you both, he hasn't stopped DS from going out on his bike with his friends. He's just more suspicious of what DS is getting up to on his bike. Whereas I come from he's either doing nothing just hanging about or if he's going to kiss a girl or try a cigarette that it's part of life and growing up and that we've all been there.
He really isn't a bully, he's just very frustrated at not being heard and being misunderstood. I've definitely been misunderstanding him, and taking his passion for my child and keeping him on a good track as criticism of my parenting. When it wasn't about that. He really does want what's best for DS.
We had been trying to convince for 3 or 4 years, ivf may or may not have worked for us. DH since I met him has always told me of his strong desire to have a family. Which is why this is all so upsetting.
I think everyone's right in saying finding out we'd need ivf has just been the final nail in the coffin

My concern is that he will accept the OP's overtures to try to make it work, and that she will forever be in apology mode in case he decides to walk again. He has her exactly where he wants her.