Husband has left me, is it too late to ask for step parenting advice

[Singlemummentality]

DH has asked for a divorce and moved out. He tells me he has had enough of me preventing him from being a dad to our DS (my DS from another relationship) DH has been in DS15 life from the age of 3. DH says I seem to protect DS from him. I have always thought they had a lovely relationship and that it wasn't necessary for me to nurture it. DS still sees his dad.
DH and I spoke recently and he said it was over and that he's tried to talk to me but I don't seem to be putting anything into action. He is really struggling and very angry that I haven't noticed/ cared/ helped him.
Please tell me how you have achieved a good relationship between yourself, your partner and your children. I'm struggling to find any information online and have noone in real life who has step children/married to someone who isn't their child's parent to ask advice from. I really want to save my marriage. DH says he loves me he just can't go on anymore and that I've said the right things I've just not put things into practice.
I can tell my DH is really angry with me that he feels he has no choice but to walk away.
I can't believe it's come to this and that I'm having to post my personal business online, but I don't know where else to turn. My friends are there for me in real life and have been amazing at listening and offering advice. But I need advice on how to handle the situation even though I'm aware it's probably already too late

I have read through this very carefully, because the attitude toward "stepparents" on this forum is one I totally do not understand.
My version of a "stepparent" is one who marries the custodial parent and "steps up" to be an active parent to the child.

That means supporting the child financially as well as emotionally without grumbling about "paying for another man's child". Stepchildren are eligible for inclusion on a stepparent's health insurance policy for example.
It means loving stepchildren equally and treating them equally to any biological children.
It also means having an equal share in decisions involving the child -- and an equal say in discipline.
It sounds like he feels he has been sidelined. He was just your roommate and bed partner when he wanted to be a father to that little boy. But you didn't allow him to do that. And now YOUR SON is almost an adult and your husband finds out he will never get to be a father.
Surely some grief there, and some depression. Some legitimate resentment over the way you buffered Your DS away from him. But you didn't even have the excuse that DS HAS a good father. By your own admission DS has a crappy father and you didn't let your DH have a chance?

@GeorgiaGirl52

Exactly. All the responsibility, expense, grief and sacrifice without the respect.

He’s lashing out at you because he’s hurt. But it’s not acceptable- the comment about your infertility to me is unforgivable. As others have said you haven’t made him feel this way - if this was really about your DS he would have left years ago - it’s not. I feel so sad reading your comments where you blame yourself again and again for everything, please don’t do that in the hope it will bring him back because even if it does you’ll live the rest of your life pacifying him in case he leaves again. If you are sure you want to work on this relationship then I think a relationship councillor is the only way forward.

I'm not a step parent, so perhaps that's why I don't agree with some of the views here.

To me, he sounds like a gaslighting prick OP, and you bloody know it too but you're trying to talk yourself into believing it's all your fault.

He blames you for everything. Fuck that, he's been around for 12 years and apparently never once said anything until suddenly you've not given him the thing he wants (his own child)? He's been moody and angry and then angry that you've picked up on it and warned your son. And now his family blame it all on you too?

No. Let him leave. Honestly I think there's more here and you will be so much happier without his behaviour.

@Singlemummentality

He's asked me to back him up if he's talking about something. I don't always agree with him so would sometimes interrupt him to have my say. He thinks I should of let him finish and pulled him aside afterwards. He thinks if DS was moody to him I should of put him in check. I'm trying to remember everything he has said, I thought everything was OK, but he's told me about loads of instances where I've not been supportive. I must admit he's right in all instances. If DH was angry in lockdown about something, I'd tell DS to stay away from DH today he's in a mood. I can't believe I actually did that

How bad were these 'moods'? If his step dad was 'in a mood' bad enough for him to need a warning why do you think this was your fault?

He thinks if DS was moody to him I should of put him in check.

So it's not ok for you to protect your son from his moods but he expects you to protect HIIM from your DS?

Wanker. No. You've done nothing wrong.

Its really difficult for me to even decide what's the actual problem is. I am not sure if it

Situation 1 - you expect your dh to pay and provide all emotional support a father should, but at the same time cut him out of any parenting and seem to treat ds bio dad as the other equal parent when he isn't. That your household is you and your ds, with your dh, is on the outside of your little circle. He feels isolated and on top of everything else (lockdown, work, his injury, possible ivf etc) he doesn't feel he can continue like this. The isolation is too much. It appears you have known this for a while, but continued with the way it is. I don't think you can expect someone to provide everything, including emotional support for a child but also expect them to not act as a parent. It's like wanting them to be a parent when it suits you, but cut them out when it suits you.

Or he is a manipulative twat that just doesn't eat to be married anymore and is pushing blame your way in anyway he can so it's your fault. Or that you beg him to come back and basically let him make all the parenting decisions wether you agree or not. Which is a bad situation to be in

Until that's clear, I am not sure anyone really advise.

Personally, I would just let him go. Because either way, it's not a good relationship to be in for any of you.

Your son is just his excuse. Let him go.

@WillYouDoTheFandango

His comment about your infertility is disgusting and in my view would be unforgivable.

This. Let him go op.

This sounds like a very complicated situation, but I'm almost certain that you haven't done anything "wrong" and that there's not much you can do to "fix" this- I think it's all about him rather than you.

He's obviously been dealt a blow about not being able to have a child with you, and this has made him reevaluate how your relationship with your DS is different to his (as really it should be. Your son already has a dad) and now your husband is resentful that you've got your own kid that you get to make all the rules for, and he doesn't.

FWIW I think the adult who can't control their temper is more at fault than the adult who warns a child to keep their distance from the angry one. Rather than "I can't believe I said that" try and rephrase it as "I can't believe I had to say that".

Let your husband have a proper break away from you. It will give him a chance to process what's going on in his head, but also you might be surprised at how much calmer and easier your life is without him.

Do you really think this is all your fault? You seem to accept responsibility for how he feels, his mental health, his anger and his decision to ask for divorce.

He came to collect some things, after he left told you he was annoyed because you'd excluded him from something with the dog and didn't seem interested in talking but he hadn't asked you to sit down and talk, you cannot be expected to read his mind.

Your willingness to accept all the blame, even though you have given examples of his poor communication, suggests he has been manipulating you for some time. Please do not let this man make you think this is all your doing. I'm seeing a man who is immature and upset about not getting the respect he thinks he's due. Reading your account here makes me think he's getting all the respect he deserves.

Let him go. Spend some time thinking about wether his version of events really reflects reality. This is not all your fault.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now.

@GeorgiaGirl52

I have read through this very carefully, because the attitude toward "stepparents" on this forum is one I totally do not understand. My version of a "stepparent" is one who marries the custodial parent and "steps up" to be an active parent to the child. That means supporting the child financially as well as emotionally without grumbling about "paying for another man's child". Stepchildren are eligible for inclusion on a stepparent's health insurance policy for example. It means loving stepchildren equally and treating them equally to any biological children. It also means having an equal share in decisions involving the child -- and an equal say in discipline. It sounds like he feels he has been sidelined. He was just your roommate and bed partner when he wanted to be a father to that little boy. But you didn't allow him to do that. And now YOUR SON is almost an adult and your husband finds out he will never get to be a father. Surely some grief there, and some depression. Some legitimate resentment over the way you buffered Your DS away from him. But you didn't even have the excuse that DS HAS a good father. By your own admission DS has a crappy father and you didn't let your DH have a chance?

I absolutely agree with your definition of a perfect step parent. On this board, however, I never hear people complaining that they're not allowed to love their step child, (or that the bio parent won't let the step parent put the child on their health insurance!) I only ever people complaining that they're not allowed to discipline their step child. And I think it's completely normal and right that the bio parent makes the decisions regarding discipline, and if the step parent can't hack that then I'm afraid the relationship probably won't work.

Reading what you are writing he comes across as a controlling and manipulative man who has not succeeded to exert the levels of control that he wants to achieve on you and your son. He sounds deeply deeply unpleasant and I think ultimately as you unpack this you will begin to accept that you are far better without him.

"he was really heartbroken about the way I'd been making him feel."

You haven't been making him feel anything. He's allowed to feel what he wants.

Honestly how would he have been with your DS if you'd successfully had another? It sounds to me as though he'd have struggled to manage. He'd have found DS a threat to the baby with his moods and disrespect. He'd have been even harder on him.

I really don't think this is a tragedy. He's trying hard to make you reorganise life around him. Your DS is at an age where he should be separating from his parents a bit and getting ready to move out. This is the last push. And your husband has decided to jump ship now, despite things generally being ok.

@JBEM4

You're reinforcing your ex's position as a parent and it's one that isn't deserved, realistic, or consistent. Therefore you're removing any authority from DH.

Look closer. How many of DS traits and behaviours have come from DH? His values, character and personality?

Your son will idolise your ex. Children crave acceptance and love from the people who don't show it.

He'll see and understand it himself one day.

But seriously stop giving power and respect to a man who chooses to not want it and give it to the man who chose to love and raise this boy as his own.

I agree with this. You've been giving a lot of effort to cementing your DS's relationship with a man who couldn't be bothered with him, while undermining the man who put in all his effort into being a good dad to him. He's been a dad to your son for 12 years and yet you're still treating him like he isn't important.

If the positions were reversed and you'd been the mother figure to a child for 12 years, and still found yourself being sidelined and undermined, you'd probably be fed up.

My ex also accused me of undermining him with DD; I also did have points where I tried to get DD to change her behaviour around his moods/needs and wants; and he did want behaviour which -in my mind - was too rigidly enforced for a child. I did not think this was fair on her and I thought that she should be allowed to be herself and not be wound up by him (he also did this). So it was me who left. There were other issues but it was his behaviour towards DD that tipped things over the edge.

I think as a parent your natural instinct is to protect your child. And if your child is being used as a proxy for issues within the adult marital relationship, then protection is needed. Your DS sounds like a normal teenager and in fact, your husband has done a lot of parent-type things with him. Your husband just seems to not like that DS is growing up and developing his own personality. And as a poster upthread said, the issue is not that you protected DS from your husband’s angry moods, it is that your husband had angry moods. What were you supposed to have done in the moment? All the blame seems to be landing on you here.

Of course I realise it is difficult as a step-parent where you are doing a lot of unrecognised work. I also had a stepdaughter with ex. I did a lot of the parenting, but that was because she was a child in my house who needed looking after, not because I was her mother. But I would not ever have used her as the reason I left, in fact DSD was one reason I did not leave sooner.

As a bit of a counterpoint; my husband's step dad would say (and has) that he's been the one providing consistency etc, while his real dad was disconnected and a waste of space.

Actually, after a few decades of knowing him, I can confidently say that the step dad is just as much of a fucked-up, abusive waste of space as the dad - but in very different ways.

His mum has her own issues which meant she ended with two difficult men, and when DH actually started looking back as an adult, his anger was for all of them.

Just because a step parent is around consistently doesn't mean that they're really doing a good job or building a real relationship with someone. I can easily see a parent trying to step in and being told off for undermining when actually they're just trying to protect a child.

The OP does not sound like she's in a good relationship here.

It’s all very well for posters to say ‘just kick him out’ but the OP and her son need to think about their financial position.

What are the options for her claiming maintenance where he is not the biological dad? It’s apparent from his attitude that he considers himself to have some parental and therefore financial duty. I don’t know to what extent the law would see it that way though?

I’ve read all comments and to me your DH sounds like he’s struggling with a few things going on, not just with your Son. It looked like he wanted to talk so maybe it would be worthwhile seeing a marriage counsellor as I think it would help you. I really hope you can all get past this as he’s told you he loves you and your son, but I think he needs some outside help.

I don't have any advice on changes things after 13 years but if he is in your DS life from 3 supporting him as an outsider I understand his frustration too and your needs to protect your DC.
Especially when the DC is a teenager.

Several issues.
Firstly, stop enabling the bio dad in all of this. If he wants to see his own child then he should be the one at least picking him up or dropping him off. I can totally see your dh's point of view. Let your son see your ex for what he is -totally uninterested.
Next I would advise against having a child with your dh. You are not in any position to be having a child together right now. I also understand how sad and upsetting it must be for your dh to find out that he can't be a father if he stays with you. Realistically if the tables were turned the majority of posters would be telling a woman to leave a man in this situation and find someone else to start a relationship with.
As for your dh's mood swings. You are right in wanting to protect your son. I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to sit and suffer your dh's bad temper or bad mood, that is for your dh to deal with.
Your son is a typical moody teenager, dealing with this stage is tough without the added stress of a grumpy adult.
On balance I think a separation even if temporary would be best. Then you can see more clearly if things are better or worse in the house without your dh there.

Would dh be willing to try counselling?

He needs to be willing to accept he needs it alone for his MH.
Then couples counselling for the infertility and parenting issues.

On here I always see people saying no parent should interject with their viewpoint when another is talking to a child (unless danger obviously!). It's usually done as mums shouldn't allow dads to undermine them. Interesting how when a stepfather feels undermined the mum is being told to protect their ds. The question you need to honestly answer is "does your ds need protecting from dh or do you just have a different viewpoint and as his mother think that counts more?". Because if the latter then you can understand why he feels that way when he pays for ds, raises ds - yet is never really recognised as being his father. Added in to knowing he can't ever be that biological father.

I'm not saying he's behaving well. Some of the things he's said are clearly unkind and said badly.

Just that things are currently possibly being said with high emotion and there's a way through this if outside support can be provided to help you navigate this.

Oh - and keep his family away if you can. Last thing you need is outside people taking sides.

@WillYouDoTheFandango

His comment about your infertility is disgusting and in my view would be unforgivable.

I agree.

It sounds like this is the real reason that he's leaving tbh, but he knows how shit that makes him look, so he has invented some nonsense about you not allowing him to be a father to ds.

Exactly this. Stop blaming yourself because he’s fed you some crap so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. He’s left 2 weeks after you find out about the infertility and need for IVF. I’d say it’s pretty clear he’s most likely thinking that an easier way for him to have kids is with someone else so he’s decided to leave and doesn’t want people thinking he’s the bad guy. Sorry OP, but I think you’re better off without him.

But seriously stop giving power and respect to a man who chooses to not want it and give it to the man who chose to love and raise this boy as his own.

I agree.
His comments were harshly spoken from a place of anger, he needs to apologise profusely, acknowledge his part in the mess too.

DS is at a difficult age now DSF has no authority.

I think counselling will help you both move forward.