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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder who will look after us in old age?

572 replies

malificent7 · 22/10/2021 23:16

I am curently a care assitant temp until my permanent job in healthcare is sorted. It is very rewarding but hard, dirty work for little money.
They are understaffed and many are leaving due to bad pay. As we are an aging population aibu to think this is going to get worse? How can we get carers to stay,?

Disclaimer...there is no way i want dd to look after me...not fair on her...i'd rather go to a home.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 25/10/2021 12:15

Going against the grain here. There is no way I shall look after my mother. For 61 years I have done nothing to please her and if she had some capacity and mobility that would not change and our relationship would become entirely vitriolic.

When/If she is no longer able to look after herself she will go into a care home or have round the clock carers. Money is not an issue. My grannie looked after her mother, my mother looked after hers - solely. G grannie and grannie did an enormous amount for their daughters and loved them unconditionally. My mother never did.

winnieanddaisy · 25/10/2021 12:27

I'm a retired nurse .My DM and DF cared for my DGM in their home for the last 3 months of her her life . DF died suddenly but my DD and I nursed my mother in her home through her cancer . I also cared for her 2nd DH at home through cancer .
I'm certain that my DD will care for me as and when I need it . In my family this is what we do .
May I also say the the district nurses were fabulous in all these situations and will provide everything you need to care for your loved ones .

OverTheRubicon · 25/10/2021 13:01

@winnieanddaisy

I'm a retired nurse .My DM and DF cared for my DGM in their home for the last 3 months of her her life . DF died suddenly but my DD and I nursed my mother in her home through her cancer . I also cared for her 2nd DH at home through cancer . I'm certain that my DD will care for me as and when I need it . In my family this is what we do . May I also say the the district nurses were fabulous in all these situations and will provide everything you need to care for your loved ones .
How on earth can district nurses provide 'everything you need to care for your loved ones' when that can include 2 person hoists, dealing with severe depression or dementia, or a loved one who needs help with every meal and every toilet trip when you also have a job, young kids, and the pittance that is carer allowance would leave you in poverty?

District nurses can be wonderful but they are also vastly overstretched, they are not care support.

BackBackBack · 25/10/2021 13:06

@winnieanddaisy

I'm a retired nurse .My DM and DF cared for my DGM in their home for the last 3 months of her her life . DF died suddenly but my DD and I nursed my mother in her home through her cancer . I also cared for her 2nd DH at home through cancer . I'm certain that my DD will care for me as and when I need it . In my family this is what we do . May I also say the the district nurses were fabulous in all these situations and will provide everything you need to care for your loved ones .
Good for you - and I mean that genuinely.

Your point about district nurses is completely inaccurate though. I suspect what you mean is that in your experience and with your relatives' needs the district nurses were able to provide support.

I can tell you from MY experience that our district nurse - who is lovely, professional, supportive and caring, does NOT provide everything that we need to care for my DM. That's not her fault - it's because my DM's care needs far exceed what can be provided by a district nurse, and my DM is by no means the only person in that position. I find it a little strange that someone with nursing experience wouldn't realise that...

BackBackBack · 25/10/2021 13:08

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER yes, there is a real art and skill to caring for people with dementia - and particularly providing them with personal care.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 25/10/2021 13:21

Maverickess, I think the care home staff’s uniforms may have had something to do with it - made them resemble nurses. Plus, while DM was still at home, although her dementia was pretty bad before she moved to the care home, she still knew very well who we all were, and presumably didn’t like her children bossing her about (as she evidently saw it.)

My sister, who lived a 6 hour drive away and so visited far less often, was able to be much tougher than I was - it was a case of, ‘Come on, you need a shower - you smell!’ (She did.)
There would be tears and tantrums, but they were soon forgotten (one advantage of dementia!) and I’m sure she must have felt better afterwards.

CatsArePeople · 25/10/2021 13:26

Scary thread. Seems like euthanasia will become compulsory in our time.

BackBackBack · 25/10/2021 13:27

My sister, who lived a 6 hour drive away and so visited far less often, was able to be much tougher than I was - it was a case of, ‘Come on, you need a shower - you smell!’ (She did.)
There would be tears and tantrums, but they were soon forgotten (one advantage of dementia!) and I’m sure she must have felt better afterwards.

This is a small advantage that I have - because I am only there every other week, rather than every day. I can use a mixture of cajoling and firmness ('sorry Mum but you are starting to smell so you need to wash! Let's use the nice shampoo I bought you'). Without fail she always says she feels better afterwards - it's just getting her in there that can be a battle!

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 25/10/2021 13:34

Scary thread. Seems like euthanasia will become compulsory in our time.

Where did this come from?

It's only a few posters on MN talking about it, and no one has ever mentioned anything compulsory?

Why are are creating drama where there is one?

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 25/10/2021 13:34

none

BackBackBack · 25/10/2021 13:47

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

Scary thread. Seems like euthanasia will become compulsory in our time.

Where did this come from?

It's only a few posters on MN talking about it, and no one has ever mentioned anything compulsory?

Why are are creating drama where there is one?

The cynic in me says it's so that whichever news site picks the thread up, can publish a shrieking headline which says that Mumsnet users support compulsory euthanasia of the elderly because they cannot be bothered to care for their relatives...
ChardonnaysPetDragon · 25/10/2021 14:22

Quite.

Namenic · 25/10/2021 14:54

I’ve seen lots of different cases of different care needs and different approaches to it. It was part of my job, so I do speak from experience. Different cultures tended to have different behaviours as a whole, but there were British people who also came and visited frequently, did a lot of care/helping too.

It also depends on the elderly person. Some will refuse and then it is v difficult to help and can be more difficult for those closest. But there were problems even for people who needed relatively minor care as they were far away from relatives.

eeyore228 · 25/10/2021 15:02

My cousins DM was diagnosed with dementia. Their family made an arrangement whereby no care homes would be used and her children would care for her. Her kids don't even live in the same country!! What they actually meant was to leave the neighbours to deal with any problems, because they promised her they wouldn't use a care home. Totally unsafe and unfair on everyone involved. People need to be a bit more sensible about their options

BackBackBack · 25/10/2021 15:25

@eeyore228

My cousins DM was diagnosed with dementia. Their family made an arrangement whereby no care homes would be used and her children would care for her. Her kids don't even live in the same country!! What they actually meant was to leave the neighbours to deal with any problems, because they promised her they wouldn't use a care home. Totally unsafe and unfair on everyone involved. People need to be a bit more sensible about their options
Bloody hell! What on earth happened? Poor woman, not safe at all.
bestcattoyintheworld · 25/10/2021 15:35

The Daily Mail are totally hysterical about ageing and death related matters. They campaigned successfully to do away with The Liverpool Care Pathway, being totally unable to differentiate between its utilisation within care homes vs NHS hospitals - which is where the problems lay. I never saw it misused within care home settings and I was involved in countless pathway cases where people died peacefully and with no pain or distress.

Now, GPs are too unwilling to prescribe decent doses of morphine so palliative patients are dying in severe pain and distress. The Daily Mail have now got it in for midazolam (a sedative used in palliative care, which relaxes and relieves distress and agitation).

I would imagine their core readership is of an older demographic, so they should be careful what they wish for. Compulsory forced life for everyone, no matter how awful and degraded your existence is.

The Daily Mail is the Dunning Kruger phenomenon in the form of a rag newspaper. Fuck all of them.

TableFlowerss · 25/10/2021 15:39

@eeyore228

My cousins DM was diagnosed with dementia. Their family made an arrangement whereby no care homes would be used and her children would care for her. Her kids don't even live in the same country!! What they actually meant was to leave the neighbours to deal with any problems, because they promised her they wouldn't use a care home. Totally unsafe and unfair on everyone involved. People need to be a bit more sensible about their options
It’s often made out that families that care for their parents are doing purely from an altruistic perspective and that anyone that wouldn’t be able to do is, is done cold hearted.

I think the reality is, some people will be thinking about the monetary value they will lose is they have to pay for fees….

People can’t always proclaim they are so caring when sometimes there are ulterior motives…..

HoldingTheDoor · 25/10/2021 15:43

I think the reality is, some people will be thinking about the monetary value they will lose is they have to pay for fees….

People can’t always proclaim they are so caring when sometimes there are ulterior motives…..

I've seen that before as a carer. Including one gentleman whose relative bought him the bare minimum of food and the very cheapest to the extent that we carers were buying him food from our own meagre salaries to supplement it and so that he could enjoy the occasional treat.(And yes there was more than sufficient money available for his needs but his relative didn't care)

Vbree · 25/10/2021 15:43

I'd rather die than go into a home or be a burden on my children.

TableFlowerss · 25/10/2021 15:47

@HoldingTheDoor

I think the reality is, some people will be thinking about the monetary value they will lose is they have to pay for fees….

People can’t always proclaim they are so caring when sometimes there are ulterior motives…..

I've seen that before as a carer. Including one gentleman whose relative bought him the bare minimum of food and the very cheapest to the extent that we carers were buying him food from our own meagre salaries to supplement it and so that he could enjoy the occasional treat.(And yes there was more than sufficient money available for his needs but his relative didn't care)

I can very much believe it. I know a daughter of a very elderly woman who lived about 2.5 hours away and her 88 year old mother was constantly ringing the next door neighbour to help get her up, dressed, toilet etc…

The daughter was just ‘She’ll be fine…’ and social services were no help as ultimately the neighbour (my family member) was helping so much.

That daughter has a lot to answer for. I believe she was thinking about the inheritance she would lose on care fees. Disgusting

XingMing · 25/10/2021 16:20

It is quite impossible in so many ways. DMIL is 92, and went into a care home to give my DSisIL some respite from caring and managing the carers who visited twice daily just before the first COVID lockdown. DMIL has a dementia plus several other painful chronic conditions, and she could be very difficult/demanding; she would refuse to shower, and is doubly incontinent.

And there she remains, nearly two years later. After 10 months, it was clear that DMIL was in much better health because she had company and was properly fed, clean and coaxed into taking her medication, but her savings were running out so her house was sold. It was the only sensible thing to do: we live 350 miles away, and DSisIL was being run ragged. But DSIL is depending on inheriting something from DMIL to put a roof over her own head in retirement. As she is a carer anyway, she's not going to be able to save much (unless the pay soars). We have to hope DMIL will slip away peacefully but at £50k per year and rising, there won't be much left for sister-in-law if she lives another five years.

BackBackBack · 25/10/2021 16:23

@HoldingTheDoor

I think the reality is, some people will be thinking about the monetary value they will lose is they have to pay for fees….

People can’t always proclaim they are so caring when sometimes there are ulterior motives…..

I've seen that before as a carer. Including one gentleman whose relative bought him the bare minimum of food and the very cheapest to the extent that we carers were buying him food from our own meagre salaries to supplement it and so that he could enjoy the occasional treat.(And yes there was more than sufficient money available for his needs but his relative didn't care)

Yes - I have seen it as well. Plus there have been threads on here before from posters bemoaning the cost of care draining away future inheritances. I wonder sometimes if these people simply view their aged parents as walking bank accounts rather than living breathing human beings.

Not an issue for me as my parents only have their state pensions and live in a small council house, and it's me giving them financial help with bills and so on - so there is zero inheritance coming my way!

Fernhilde · 25/10/2021 16:30

What happens to those of us with no savings and no children?

DottyHarmer · 25/10/2021 16:31

The Pil left zero. £600k into the coffers of Sunset Homes. It is a lottery as my friend’s df died of a heart attack at the fish counter in Waitrose and her dm of a heart attack too a year later. I should think we all wish we could make a departure like that (at a good age).

Btw, those saying they will keep healthy: bad luck. The Pil mainlined benecol, ate five a day etc, were fit and active and remained in excellent health but both developed severe dementia and lived for years.

Blossomtoes · 25/10/2021 16:37

@Fernhilde

What happens to those of us with no savings and no children?
You have to put up with whatever your local council deems fit for you. In that situation I’d be doing everything possible to reduce the chances of living to a ripe old age - I’d definitely be seriously considering taking up smoking again.