To wonder who will look after us in old age?

[malificent7]

I am curently a care assitant temp until my permanent job in healthcare is sorted. It is very rewarding but hard, dirty work for little money.
They are understaffed and many are leaving due to bad pay. As we are an aging population aibu to think this is going to get worse? How can we get carers to stay,?

Disclaimer...there is no way i want dd to look after me...not fair on her...i'd rather go to a home.

But how can families step up more? If I'd had to care for my Mum I'd have had if give up my job, the job that was paying the mortgage. Yes I could have moved in with her but we'd have then ended up homeless when she died as her house had to be sold due to an equity release.

What about those who are too frail to be looked after by family? MIL weighed around 4st when she died and looked like a skeleton with skin. She needed trained carers, not DH and I. (Well it wouldn't have been me, it would have been the end of our marriage if DH wanted us to care for her.)

@Plipityplopity

I work in education and our elderly should be afforded at least the same level of protection and care that is afforded to children.

I couldn't agree more

@Ledition

Good families” do not just expect their children to sacrifice their own healthy years for the sake of duty.

We'll have to agree to disagree here. I'm not from the UK though, my culture is much more family orientated and I would without doubt want to do this for my mum.

Wanting to do it for your mum and wanting your DDs to do it for you is not the same thing. One is kind the other is extremely selfish.

You have my every sympathy @iloveeverykindofcat. We’re in the same boat. It scares the life out of me. I actually hope I get cancer.

I saw what caring for my uncle with dementia did to my auntie…she died of a heart attack and he ended up in a home anyway. It was 24 hrs round the clock care. She was a proud woman and felt it was her job to care for him and it killed her.

My friends MIL is dying of cancer. She raised her children then became a career to her parents. Her mother died in her 90s. A year after that friends MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She has spent her whole life caring for others and never got a chance to live her own life.

If I’m in a situation where I really can’t look after myself and I mean beyond someone helping me do a bit of shopping and coming to sit and chat then Dignitas it is. I do not want my kids to end up like my aunt or friends MIL. I never had them for that.

@thegreenlight

DH and I have a suicide pact - when one of us starts to decline in old age we are going to go on a lovely holiday, get things in order, write lots of lovely letters to loved ones and do ourselves in. We have been together since we are 15 and they can get stuffed if they think they will sell our house to separate us in our old age. I’ve seen a few older couples do this in the last few years and they definitely have their heads screwed on.

When the time comes, will you though? Supposing one deteriorates mentally/ physically while the other remains fit and very much alive with no deterioration? The will to live is very strong. Will you really want to write lovely double-suicide letters, and at what point do you go on this lovely holiday?

This is a nice romantic way of looking at things but as other pp have said, it’s not as neat as that

I spent a very long time in hospital in a very vulnerable position. This experience was so traumatic. Watching how the very old and vulnerable were treated, even by those with the best intentions. Looking at what I experienced myself, again even though some had the best intentions. I would hope I had the means and the will to end it myself before becoming very dependant on another in any sort of setting quite honestly.

No idea

I have no-one to look after me

Cardboard box I reckon (not a joke either)

@Blossomtoes

If you are unwell then you should be able to choose assisted dying. People who are sick and in pain have to wait in agony or drugged up until their last breath. We don’t put animals through it so why should humans.

@Peraltiago

We really need assisted dying...

Yes we do - it's a choice that we should all have. I would not expect younger members of the family to look after me - it's unfair, they have their own lives.

@Ledition

Depends how "bad" I am but I would want my DDs to look after me! I will look after my own mum if she requires it in the future. It's not selfish IMO it's what good families are supposed to do. However, full-time around the clock care with zero respite is different but if I just need a bit of help with showering/cooking well they can bloody well step up

Really easy to say unless you’ve had to care for someone yourself. My Nana doesn’t need round the clock care but she does require looking after and it has been extremely hard on my Mum. Every life decision she has to make takes her into consideration. She wanted to leave the area after divorcing my Dad but couldn’t because she couldn’t leave my Nana. If she goes abroad who’s stepping up? You don’t realise how tasking it really is and after doing it first hand my Mum has always said that’s something she’ll never put on her kids.

I think its all very well to say families should "step up " but what kind of care are we talking about?

Helping an elderly relative with shopping, cleaning, cooking, household admin, even personal care is one thing, when someone needs full time care its like having a baby or toddler in an adult body. If an older person is unsteady and falls over, but has no strength to help themselves up that can be difficult bordering on impossible for one person to support them on their own. Ditto if they need a pad changed (easier as a 2 person job)
Even if you gave up work to look after a parent its likely the age bracket of the person caring that they may well have dependent children too. Its not about not stepping up its about it not being financially viable or practical to offer a safe level of care and support to someone.

Assisted dying must only be the voice of someone who has full capacity to understand.

As someone who has seen various members of family and friends who have succumbed to various dementia type illnesses, it's so easy to think" this isn't living."

We've all heard our elders say things along the likes of " shoot me if ever I get like that."
We don't nor wouldn't.

What upsets me is how they're treated . Eg, an eye roll, a comment along the lines of " well she won't use the toilet, so what are we supposed to do?"
Or " she just wants to sit there , all day " when she clearly doesn't.
And don't get me started on rap music in the day room ! ( it's because a member of staff wants it on!)

There needs to be an upheaval regarding end of life care and it will cost money ... staggeringly it's already costing many elderly folk their homes and bank accounts; be it £10,000 or £1,000,000.

It breaks my heart.

As some one who has also worked in care, the only way you can keep decent staff, is to pay them properly and maybe make the shifts shorter, so you don't get burn out from been too tired.
I worked with residents with Dementia, it's hard work, no day is the same, you could go to one person, who is accepting of all your care, the next, they don't want to get dressed, don't want to eat, but you cannot let them roam around in there birthday suit, so you have to come up with a way, to get them into some clothes, even if it is there nightwear again.
So long shifts can take its toll, if you pay the career more money, they will be lass lightly to leave, I lady I worked with left for a supermarket job, as she got paid more and in her words had less responsibility. With care, if you find a new bruise, yoy have to document and record the evidence, then if it becomes a safe guarding issue, you have covered all bases. Same if someone falls, you have to a risk assessment, to make sure you did all the right things and had all the correct equipment. Then you will get people who want to work, stay. I left due to having to travel far to work and not feeling, like I was appreciated.

@Blossomtoes

You have my every sympathy *@iloveeverykindofcat*. We’re in the same boat. It scares the life out of me. I actually hope I get cancer.

I’m with you there. My Nan died of cancer, she had limited pain and a couple of weeks in hospital. Coherent and chatty up until the last few days, still enjoying ice cream on the last day. I was with her and it was so peaceful.

I don't want my children looking after me but neither do I want to be in a care home. Personally I would choose assisted dying. I wish my mother, brother and others I can think of who have died had been able to choose. Here's hoping for change 🤞

You do realise that the plans for assisted dying are for people who are terminally ill with less than 6 months to live. You can't just decide you have had enough, pop along to a clinic and get yourself topped.

This is a crisis that has been looming for decades and so-called baby boomers are in their late sixties and seventies so are coming up to the time when they will need care. However, this is the tip of the iceberg as the biggest age group of all is the one from around 1958-1968. In another twenty or thirty years it is us, this latter group who will be the ones needing the care. Successive governments have buried their heads in the sand for decades and the chickens are starting to come home to roost. We are the largest generation in history. The baby boomers are babies no longer.

So people would rather kill themselves than just pay carers a decent wage? 🤔

It’s going to come down to family. My mum lives with me and DH as she’s 79 and getting frail. Lucky really as my sister couldn’t give a shit.

Why in these discussions do people assume either one choice or another.

There are many different illnesses and they affect people in a different way .

There are also a Miriad of family situations l

My parents were stubborn ( in rented) and refused to move closer to us so we could help more . Then they decided to ,but my mother has deteriorated a lot during that time and now it has been decided by social services she needs to have 24 hour care and will be in a wheelchair all the time. She has to have everything done for her l it’s degrading and extremely hard work . But mentally she is very alert even though she is in a lot of pain as well and she wants to carry on . Even though after 65 years of marriage she and my dad will be separated. I run my own business and my sister can’t afford to give up work . But between us we handle all the finances / cleaning/ washing / medical appointments etc etc .

To be honest if I was my mum I don’t think I would want to carry on as she is , but it’s completely her choice as far as I am concerned .we will do everything we are able to and fight for her to be in a home close to us.

@Mistlewoeandwhine

I don’t think that is what people are saying , but we all have to face the fact it is us that pays for care through taxes , so we will all have to pay more .that is the only answer .

@Violinist64

But governments don’t want to raised national insurance and tax do they ??

And a lot of people don’t want to pay more ?

@DroopyClematis

Yes it cost my aunt and uncle 300000 for care home costs .

They were mainly heartbroken that they could not leave an inheritance to their family .