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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask if you have a favourite child?

169 replies

Zippyzoppy · 22/10/2021 19:38

I would say I love both my children equally, I would do anything for either of them.

I recently asked them both about favourite children in general and they both confided in me that they thought I was their favourite! This was music to my ears because…..

Deep down, I just find one of them easier to spend time with and talk to, and it’s always worried me that it somehow would show.

So my question is whether anyone else feels similarly, or whether you would say you feel exactly the same about each of your children?

OP posts:

maternitycoat · 23/10/2021 10:40

I always felt that i was mums favourite. Sibling was dads. Always felt it

marykitty · 23/10/2021 10:42

I hope I will never make my DCs feel like I have a favorite one,

My mom clearly had a favorite kid (my youngest brother) and this really damaged not only the relationship between me and her but also between me and my brother.
She does not hate me, of course, she helps me and she loves me as well and she would never say it out loud, but it is so absolutely clear even now that we are all in our 30s, it's almost hilarious

Worstyear2020 · 23/10/2021 11:01

I would be lying if I say no, my teenagers are horrible, keep picking on my 7 years old girl!

Paddingtonthebear · 23/10/2021 13:36

Both husband and I have had years of feeling like the less favoured amongst our respective families. Our child is the most favoured by the grandparents though which feels a bit odd. It is very obvious at times which I find awkward and I feel a bit sorry for the other ones, probably because I know how it feels!

QueenofLouisiana · 23/10/2021 14:09

Yes, I have a favourite. Fortunately, he’s also my only.

CreepySpider · 23/10/2021 15:54

@Nc123

Not to derail the thread, but what about grandparents having favourite grandchildren?

MIL definitely favours my middle son (her first grandchild). She has since birth. DM doesn’t have a favourite - possibly because my granny did have two favourites out of her five children and three favourites out of her eighteen grandchildren. Neither DM nor I were favoured.

We have this and it makes me reluctant to allow my children to spend so much time with my parents as their favourite is so obvious I know the one who isn’t will pick up on it.

Evangeli · 23/10/2021 16:37

We are four sibilings, and my mom, may she rest in peace, openly favoured my youngest brother. Like very openly, it was an ongoing family joke. Both in terms of gifts and just general mollycoddling. She said he reminded her of her dad who died young and unexpectedly.

I remember her saying, this is my hand, can I help it if the five fingers are different?

Anyway, we just rolled with it (I mean, what were we supposed to do?)
My youngest brother has turned out quite well, all things considered. (tbh, I think it was mother's death which gave his marriage a chance to succeed and for him and his wife to build a life together)

cricketmum84 · 24/10/2021 09:51

Just musing on this a little and I think that as grown ups the perceived favouritism of a sibling is more to do with our own behaviour and needs rather than actual favouritism.

As an example - I have a successful career, marriage, children, homeowner, decent household income. I see my parents once every few weeks (more pre pandemic). I do not need any help from them really, they take the teens to their holiday home some weekends and I send them with enough money so that they don't have to pay for anything for them.

My sister is single, low earner, no kids, renting. She lives on the same street as our parents and constantly needs things. Money, some coffee, a couple of eggs - you get the picture. She pops round daily.

I used to be a bit jealous about this and felt like DM loved her more 😂 but as I've got older I have come to realise that's not it. It's just that she needs her more. She doesn't have the family support that I have and tbf she's really bloody lonely!

Another example is my DHs parents are strange with him. They never ever call him for a chat it's always him who has to contact them. They don't visit, it's always him who had to go to them.

Yet on the other hand his sister is there every day and MIL gets upset if she doesn't go. If she has forms to fill in or any sort of life admin FIL has to do it for her. If she has a doctors appointment FIL has to take her. She is in a long term relationship and drives, she can read and write and has no learning disabilities or anything like that. But her partner is a bit a lot of a dickhead so she needs that family support more than my DH who is very independent.

Sorry just realised that's a mega long post!!!

HerRoyalWitchyness · 24/10/2021 10:07

Not to derail the thread, but what about grandparents having favourite grandchildren?

My grandmother very clearly favoured one of my cousins. So much so that when she was dying in hospital she asked me where he was and why I'd bothered to go. I was only 10.

My dad also very clearly favoured my daughter. Luckily I'm now NC with him so this can't affect my children as I know what it's like to feel pushed aside for another child.

Sceptre86 · 24/10/2021 10:40

I don't have a favourite as such but am most protective of my eldest as she had a rougher start in life and her physical development is behind other kids her age. My son is special in his own way as he is my only son and my youngest is a 7 week old baby so scrumptious in her own way. All different, all special and loved.

IpadLover · 24/10/2021 11:14

I don't have a favourite and only have one child

lljkk · 24/10/2021 11:25

Whenever they do something useful I tell them they are definitely my favourite child -- for the next 5 minutes at least.

Reality is that one of DC is much more "like" Me & DH than the others, so we quite enjoy him. He's been challenging in other ways, though, at times.

I perceive that my nephew is my parents' favourite -- he's the easy, polite, selfless & well-behaved kid compared to any of mine. I don't mind, DC are unaware anyway. MIL is equally lovely to all.

Maggiethecat · 24/10/2021 14:44

It’s easy to appear to favour a more easy going child over a less agreeable one. I try to be evenhanded in dealing with them but that may not always be the case.

Is it not enough that I show them that I love them both?

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 24/10/2021 16:35

As for favourites with grandchildren well lets just say MIL tried it and she hasnt seen my dc since my youngest was four. And he's now 20.

We will not have that toxic bullshit happening in my house. Those that put up with a child being made to feel less than their siblings or cousins for the sake of family harmony need to have a word with themselves and step up to protect their child.

PumpkinPie2016 · 24/10/2021 16:53

My son is my favourite 💙 but I only have him so it's allowed

sleepingrabbits · 24/10/2021 18:14

@BoxOfDreams

I have two and will admit here, anonymously, that yes I have a favourite. Both are adults now and I'm a granny. One has generally been easy going, stable and loving, one has been a challenge to say the least. I love them both very much, and both think the other is favourite. I've put a lot more time, effort and love into the challenging one and it has paid off, but we're always on eggshells. Whereas contact with the other DC is really relaxed and easy. It is what it is.

@BoxOfDreams well which one? The one with more input or the easy one ??

sleepingrabbits · 24/10/2021 18:17

My DD is at that awkward age I found really hard with DS too. So my DS is easier now older, but he has had delays and there's something weird about him 😬 So it stresses me out and makes me worry a lot about him at school, although I see some progress.

So I don't know, maybe I feel DS as I've had him longer if that makes so I've loved him longer. Or maybe DD is just too young to be able to tell yet.

SlamLikeAGuitar · 24/10/2021 18:30

I don’t have a favourite.
I have one that I try extra hard not to wake up in the morning though

I love all of them equally, but their different personalities sometimes make one easier to get along with than the others depending on the situation.
There’s certain things I love doing with one child but dread doing with the others and vice versa.

financialadvicenc · 24/10/2021 19:37

I'm one of four, my mums clear favourite was her eldest, my sister for years. It was very obvious. Then she died aged 27. It was obviously devastating for all of us.

Now it's clearly me, I'm the youngest. The other two agree. Not sure why. She's weird.

Maybe it's a middle child thing

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