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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you have a favourite child?

169 replies

Zippyzoppy · 22/10/2021 19:38

I would say I love both my children equally, I would do anything for either of them.

I recently asked them both about favourite children in general and they both confided in me that they thought I was their favourite! This was music to my ears because…..

Deep down, I just find one of them easier to spend time with and talk to, and it’s always worried me that it somehow would show.

So my question is whether anyone else feels similarly, or whether you would say you feel exactly the same about each of your children?

OP posts:
Rosesareyellow · 22/10/2021 20:41

I don’t have a favourite because I only have one - but I have wondered about this as we plan to have another. People always say they don’t have favourites but I doubt many would admit if they did (in real life, not on MN). I suppose it’s something that in many ways you can’t help, but as said by a pp it’s not something you’d make obvious unless you were a bit of a shit parent. This thread is reassuring.
It’s reminding me of that episode of the Crown where Margaret Thatcher had her favourite and then the Queen had to figure out which was hers.

User527294627 · 22/10/2021 20:43

I have a clear favourite, but I also only have one Grin I’ll probably never have a second for various reasons, but in any event I don’t think I could love another as much as him.

ViceLikeBlip · 22/10/2021 20:45

I definitely don't have a favourite. But I do sometimes treat my children differently, based on a whole host of reasons (they are all different ages, one might be struggling in school, one might be struggling with friends, one might have a flare up of an ongoing health condition etc etc)

It really upsets me that the kids often see this as "favouritism", but the truth is that one of my kids really does have it harder than the others, and he often needs me more. I'm acutely aware that it "isn't fair", and of course I try to redress the balance wherever possible. I just really hope that the others will come to understand as they get older- it's heartbreaking when one of your children believes that you have favourites and that they are bottom of the pile.

PatchworkElmer · 22/10/2021 20:45

Another one with a favourite only child here.

I’m sure lots of people will have favourites and the trick is hiding it… one of my acquaintances has a child who is so obviously not the favourite, it’s quite sad to see really.

OhWhyNot · 22/10/2021 20:45

The Queen (of true) may have had to work it out

Everyone else has known for years ….

Maverick66 · 22/10/2021 20:45

I have favourite things about each of my 3 children but not an outright favourite.

CatOfTheLand · 22/10/2021 20:46

Yes 100%. I have two dcs and definitely have a favourite, however, it switches day-by-day if not hour-by-hour.

InThisMultiverse · 22/10/2021 20:46

I feared I might not love my second as much as my first and periodically checked my photo album to see if there were any noticeable discrepancies in the frequency with which I photographed each. I’ll admit to a few intrusive thoughts about Sophie’s choice. As my second child’s personality began to emerge those worries vanished and I very much have two amazing and beautiful favourite children.

Alleycat02 · 22/10/2021 20:49

I have 3 and no clear favourite, just temporary phases of getting on better with one or the other - two boys who are both incredibly adorable and incredibly challenging in radically different ways, and a toddler girl who is delightful but becoming quite the stroppy madam so most days none are my favourite!!

Surreyhillsbutnobike · 22/10/2021 20:51

Both of mine would say the other is my favourite- I am not sure if that is a win or a loss

Cantstopthewaves · 22/10/2021 20:54

Worry about and think about dc1 much more than dc2.
Dc1 seems to be quite an anxious character. I sometimes worry that confident dc2 lives a little in dc1's shadow.
There's 18 months between them and when dc2 was born dc1 was a toddler and demanded much more of my attention than my very placid newborn so dc2 has always, on reflection been a bit in the background ( is amazing, bright and self-assured so can't have done too much harm).
I love them both so much just dc1 takes up more headspace.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 22/10/2021 20:56

No.

Ds and I are extremely similar. I find him a lot easier to have a rapport with.

Dd and I are polar opposites however that isnt her fault, it's my job to build a relationship and keep it healthy. Not hers... If anything dd has had so called favourite treatment over the years as I've made a point of havin breaks away and days out with just the two of us. I haven't so much with DS, I don't feel the need to. He's just as happy staying in and doing some baking and cake decorating with me. Or going out for a bike ride (( dd would have an attack of the vapours at the very thought))

Dd does however loves animals, she likes having a coffee and cake in a fancy place, shopping, theatre trips and theme parks. Some we do together, some just me and her. And I think that's fine.

Ive no idea if im getting it right, probably not. All I can do is prioritise quality time with both dc and hope that evolves them even further into healthy adults.

perenniallymessy · 22/10/2021 20:56

My two both think they are my favourite so I tell them I don't have a favourite, I dislike them both equally Grin luckily they know I'm joking, the cats are my favourite (and the robot vacuum cleaner).

They both have their pluses and minuses. DS1 is more like me so I'm probably slightly closer to him, but he's also very high maintenance and has adhd so drives me insane! DS2 is very independent and pretty easy and chilled out but can also be a right grump and thinks I'm totally embarrassing. I always say he's like the little girl with the little curl- when he's good, he's very very good, when he's bad, he's horrid.

MatildaIThink · 22/10/2021 20:57

It depends on the day/hour/minute. I love them both equally, but on some days I like one more than the other.

Buttons294749 · 22/10/2021 20:58

Definitely the one who is currently asleep and not the one who isn't haha

steppemum · 22/10/2021 20:58

I have 3. All teens now, oldest just left for uni. I genuinely don't have a favourite. They have each ripped my heart to pieces at different times.

But my youngest needs loads more support than the older two, and I know that they sometimes think she is the favourite.
The reality is that the older two are, most of the time, so much easier and nicer to spend time with. But because I worry about her so much, my youngest takes more emotional energy. The older two see that as me spoiling her at times.

I think more recently they have understood. Especially oldest as we have talked about it (how she needs support)

Periperry · 22/10/2021 21:00

My 3 kids all love insisting they are my favourite. DS1- I’m definitely the favourite as ‘I’m mums first born, DD- no it’s definitely me as she hides chocolate to save for only me, DS2- no it’s me as I’m the only one who looks like her 😂
I only ever reply that my favourite is whoever is annoying me the least at that point in time.
I genuinely love them all equally, they are all very different.
My mum had a clear favourite and it wasn’t me, I always promised myself I Would never do that.

helpwithncmum · 22/10/2021 21:06

I had a favourite child until recently I was a SAHM with my oldest and we get on so well and had 4.5 years alone together as DP worked a lot then ds2 was hard hard work at a toddler and is very like me which made us clash but now he's 5 and his brother 9 i'm starting to get much more alone time with ds2 we are getting along great and my 9 year old now doesn't idolise me as much so I can see the balance shifting.

Namechange12312 · 22/10/2021 21:17

I have a favourite for different things if that makes sense. My oldest loves shopping/going for lunch etc which are things I enjoy too. Middle one is the cutest thing ever and she loves to cuddle and watch movies. Third is a toddler so obviously he is hard work but is hilarious and I love watching his interests develop and his personality grow. I love them all equally, and make effort to spend time with them individually so I hope they all feel like my favourite Smile

Perrymenopausal · 22/10/2021 21:18

No I don’t have a favourite. One is so easy going, helpful and loving and the other can be loving but very argumentative.

My mum had a favourite (my brother) she didn’t even try and hide it. It affected me as a child and I promised I would never treat my children like that.

I do have to dig deeper with one, but I love them equally.

CoffeeRunner · 22/10/2021 21:20

@AdviceOnLife

I have 3. They are all very spaced out age wise so very hard to compare which is what I love so much. So they are each my favourite for different reasons.
Same for me. Mine are 24, 20 & 10 and all very different too.
mistermagpie · 22/10/2021 21:21

I have three. My 'favourite' varies from day to day depending on how much each one is annoying me at the time!

I am much more like my eldest son, he is complicated and shy, just like I was as a child so I really 'get' him and he 'gets' me. My middle child is a total extrovert, he's funny, fiery, affectionate and bold and everyone adores him, he's really likeable. My youngest is nearly two and she has been the most angelic baby, just a sweet and sunny child, easy going and loving.

So I love them all equally but they are very different from each other and so I relate to them differently. I think that's pretty normal.

My husband is one of four and his dad has told him he's the favourite. He said this in front of the others so I think it's true but it's also obvious - they have a lot more in common than any of the others - I don't think this is the right way to be.

winnieanddaisy · 22/10/2021 21:22

I had a DD and 2 DSs within 2.5 years and I really don't have a favourite. They are all in their 40s now and I am still close to the 3 of them and see them a few times a week

Bingbong21 · 22/10/2021 21:23

Whichever one isn't being a PITA? Currently Ddog is favourite out of them and DC

Starseeking · 22/10/2021 21:24

I don't have a favourite DC, they are complete opposites and I adore them both equally (despite their individual challenges).

My DM's obvious favourite is my DB, she doesn't even try and hide it. What makes me laugh is that she hates that I have always got on well with my DF, tells anyone who will listen that I am his favourite seems to view me as competition, and has therefore been quite nasty over the treats in trying to ram home to me how horrid he is (what she doesn't realise is I'm not bothered about their relationship, I KNOW he's a crap DH, but that's not my problem). He's a great DF though. My parents have been married almost 50 years.