To not go to my brother's wedding - *trigger warning sexual abuse*

[YourFinestPantaloons]

Brother getting married August next year, recently announced. We get on and I love him but I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm in Yorkshire, he lives in the Scottish Isles which is where he's getting married. Meaning I'd have to stay over minimum of 2, probably 3, nights just for travel purposes. I'm a single mum (with a boyfriend who I don't live with and who hasn't met my kids as it's only been 5 months) with 2 kids, and it's a child free wedding. I've already planned summer holiday contact time with exH (he's abroad with his GF on that date) and the wedding falls on my dates. Everyone I'd pick to watch them for 2/3+ nights will be at the wedding!

If kids were invited I wouldn't have taken my boyfriend. I don't plan for him to meet the kids, let alone spend a break away with them, anytime soon. But I don't want to go to a wedding on my own either.

But the big reason is, a family member who sexually abused and raped me as a child will be there in the wedding party, making a speech too. The thought of me clapping eyes on him as everyone applauds him makes me feel sick. Ive never been to the police or anything, my mum knows about the abuse (and has done nothing about it) and so do a few people like close friends and my boyfriend but nobody else does. Not my brother or siblings.

My family (mum and siblings) think it's awful that I won't even attempt to make childcare plans. I have good friends I could leave my kids with, but I don't really want to TBH. They will be 6 & 10 and I think it's just too far with no parent nearby for that long. They say I'm being precious

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'. I'm actually really REALLY wound up that he just doesn't fucking get that I don't want to do that. It's not some carthatic thing I can get out my system, I don't forgive this man and I don't want to see him, unless he's gonna be on fire or something. I haven't seen him for over a decade, and I've come very far in my recovery from that abuse - last time I saw him I had barely acknowledged that it even happened and that what did happen was my own fault anyway.

AIBU to give a firm no to the wedding now? My brother said he will 'seriously fall out with me' if I don't go

@OtterAndDog

Sounds like you're kind of in a shitty situation.. your two options I suppose are A) say you will go as long as your brother allows your kids to come (but that means you have to come face to face with your disgusting abuser) B) tell your brother the real reason that you don't want to go (but that means opening up a whole can of worms which you may not feel ready to face)

I think maybe A is the best choice and just hope that your brother is too stubborn to let them come. In that way you're kinda both in the wrong and hopefully it won't cause long term damage to your relationship - though short term I imagine it would cause friction.

But if brother says yes you're taking your children to a wedding you know a paedophile is attending.

Personally I would try to tell my brother if not the full story, that there is a personal reason involving someone attending that I am not yet ready to disclose that makes it very hard for me to attend on my own and feel comfortable having my kids there or leaving them so far from me at a time I feel vulnerable. That I appreciate without me telling home exactly what, he may find it hard to accept. And that I am not giving him the option of uninviting that person so I can be there. But that I hope he would trust me and my judgement and that I would not miss his wedding unless it really was a good reason.

I would tell brother the truth and report this abuser to the police. Problem then goes as the abuser will not be at the wedding!

@Shockedhowunshockediam - your poor DH, what a horrible thing for him to have had to deal with. I am so sorry that your memories of your wedding day have been so tainted by knowing that the evil monster was there - but I hope you and your DH have managed to get past it.

Hello - we are dropping in with a timely reminder about victim blaming and why we don't allow it. We're likely to delete posts that question what a victim could have done differently or hold them responsible.

Please also take a look at our We Believe You campaign.

@AcrossthePond55

You do what works for you and say whatever you need to say to make it work for you. If you're sure your DB won't believe you, then don't bother to tell him anything. Why put yourself through the telling only to have him deny your truth? "I can't get childcare" is a valid reason, no need to go into every detail of 'why not'? Just meet every suggestion with "Tried that, didn't work".

I suggest you take a long, hard look at your mother and brother and decide if they truly value you. We should only have people in our lives who value us and that we value in turn. My brother and I aren't 'super close' as our lives have taken different turns, but we do value each other. I know that if I told him that a person he admired had abused me as a child he'd believe me, no questions asked. Because he knows I value him too much to lie to him. If the same cannot be said for your brother, it may be time to 'put some distance' between you and him. As far as your mother, her betrayal of you is so egregious that if I were you I don't know if I could stand to even be in the same room with her. But again, you have to deal with your situation in the way that works for you. Just be sure that it IS truly working for you and that you aren't causing yourself more and unneeded hurt by keeping these people in your life.

Your bf's words may have come more from ignorance than stupidity. If he's had a life with no real troubles, then he doesn't have the experience to know that an abused person doesn't need to prove one damned thing to their abuser. Whether you choose to try to educate your bf or kick him to the kerb is, again, your decision.

Stonking post Pond.

OP I hope you are able to take some small comfort from the PP's who actually get what an impossible bind you are in. It is heartbreaking that you feel your DB might not believe you ... & I wonder how much of that feeling is prompted by the awful way your mother responded?

Nobody can tell you what you "must" or "need" to do, but it's clear this is a watershed moment in your life. If DB is genuine about 'seriously falling out' with you if you don't attend, it may be worth your while to consider telling him the real reason (not necessarily who the man is) you cannot attend, & let the cards fall where they may.
You might get a really welcome surprise, in that he hears you & supports you.
But if you don't - yes, you will have to deal with that sadness & the risk of feeling denigrated & disbelieved all over again - but if DB was going to fall out with you anyway, at least you gave him the chance to choose you. And that if he didn't ... well, there's the real watershed moment, because he doesn't deserve a relationship with a sister he refuses to believe & support.

However hard it would be to know that DB might act like DM ... your choice from that moment could be to accept that DM (&, so sorry if this becomes the case, DB) are fucking toxic influences in your life, so no longer get to be part of it.

It's a horrible dilemma OP, & I completely appreciate that your instinct might be to keep your head down, tell no-one, & take the fallout of being painted as the bad guy. Because, so sadly, & so wrongly, that is in effect what you are used to, due to your callous bitch of a mother.

You talk about the distance you have come in making a form of recovery from the CSA, & I imagine this involved therapy? Can you afford, or otherwise access, some therapy now, to help you wrestle this dilemma to the ground & choose the least-worse action?
A decent therapist could help you turn this watershed point of your life into a positive - whereby if you decide to agree with the statement "the truth shall set you free", you could use that truth to decide who sits on Team You, & stays in your life, & who sits on Team Brushed Under Carpet, & gets to be fucked off out of your life.

I'm sorry that what should be a happy family event is in fact just a horrible quandary for you, & that it has dredged up this stinking old can of worms. My own feeling is primarily OP DESERVES SUPPORT, so obviously I am biased toward taking the risk & telling your brother. Not because of his bloody wedding - but because frankly, after the pasting you have had from your own fucking mother, you deserve to know who would have your back if they know the facts. And if your DB is disappointing, & refuses to accept your facts ... awful as it is, you deserve to know that too.

All the best to you & all the other brave CSA survivors (Me Too) who have posted in support here & Ye Dogs xx

@Lotusmonster

Consider going and handing a card to the rapist. Inside write “You need to feign sudden illness and leave immediately. All details of your abuse of me are logged with my solicitor in the event of harm coming to me. Choose to stay, and I will tell all” That will wipe the smile off his face.

Please get the fuck off this thread & go & watch something salacious on Netflix @Lotusmonster. This is a disgraceful suggestion. OP is not here to provide titillating drama for your satisfaction. You owe her an apology.

Tell your brother. Everyone should know what this man did to you. If your brother wants you to come then your rapist needs to be gone. It isn't past and it isn't done. He has faced no punishment for what he did to you. Tell everyone. Kia kaha be strong.

Dump your boyfriend - he's an insensitive tit who clearly can't begin to conceive of the horror of rape

@a1poshpaws your post is insensitive. I think the op has made it clear she doesn't want to go to the police. She's not here to help everyone when she still needs help herself. The victim blaming on here is really shocking!

"You do what works for you and say whatever you need to say to make it work for you."

That's it in a nutshell isn't it?

Hi OP couldn't read and run being a survivor of abuse myself. I reported my abuser - long after I should have. It was when I realized he was in contact with children and could easily do it again. My family didn't believe me, I was shunned, I lost everyone and felt it hadn't done any good anyway. I'm still glad I did it though as I am now feel free of them all. I realise now years later that I couldn't really move on until it was said openly. I thought I was ok but I wasn't. No one can tell you what's the right thing to do but I hope whatever you do you find peace x

Absolutely disgusting some of the victim blaming on this thread.
Really feel for you OP, you are so brave. People come and spout all this 'good advice' based on their stupid expectations of how CSA survivors should behave when they have no idea how complicated these situations are.

My abuser was my maternal grandfather and I would not have him at my own wedding 9 years ago. My mother kicked off about it, she still came to the wedding, caused a scene and hasn't spoken to me since. I have no idea where she lives, she hasn't met or even knows about my children.. she is by far missing out.. not me.
I also reported to the police and after interviewing him the case was dropped as insignificant evidence. In my case the abuser apologised to me but of course I had no physical proof.. it is so hard to get a conviction and absolutely soul destroying.

None of my mothers side of the family speak to me and sometimes I feel very lonely but family are no good for you if they don't value and love you! Thinking of you and hope you can still have a good relationship with your brother after all this if that's what you want

@Sometimeswinning

Dump your boyfriend - he's an insensitive tit who clearly can't begin to conceive of the horror of rape

@a1poshpaws your post is insensitive. I think the op has made it clear she doesn't want to go to the police. She's not here to help everyone when she still needs help herself. The victim blaming on here is really shocking!

Sometimeswimming

B*llshit, lady. I'm the last person to victim blame - I was raped aged 12, myself. I don't believe I said anything that could be remotely construed as victim blaming, and I certainly didn't hold a gun to the OP's head and order her to go to the police. Of course she's not here to help everyone. But going to the police may even help her to go further for more help as it's legitimising her position as the victim. And I say that as a retired social worker who's dealt with her fair share of sexual abuse cases. I can't be doing with all this holier-than-thou criticism of posters who actually want to help. Your views are not the only ones to hold water.

Report the rapist to the police. It's never too late to do that, and other girls/women need your help in protecting them from him. You've proved you're a strong woman by coming this far; keep being strong by facing these things, and keeping your self respect intact.

@a1poshpaws this is what victim blaming looks like. If you gave this advice to anyone who suffered any type of sexual assault then you did just that. I was lucky to hear the advice, that the only thing I needed to do was heal and help myself.

@DeathStare

I'd tell them you've asked the friends youd be happy with to have the kids and they've said no. If he falls out with you over that then he's an idiot.

And dump the boyfriend. Red flags all over that one

Yep.

Don't go

@Sometimeswinning

Report the rapist to the police. It's never too late to do that, and other girls/women need your help in protecting them from him. You've proved you're a strong woman by coming this far; keep being strong by facing these things, and keeping your self respect intact.

@a1poshpaws this is what victim blaming looks like. If you gave this advice to anyone who suffered any type of sexual assault then you did just that. I was lucky to hear the advice, that the only thing I needed to do was heal and help myself.

@Sometimeswinning No, it really isn't. I can explain this to you, but I can't understand it for you.

I wouldn’t be going to the wedding but I’d be going to the police to report that disgusting family member!

@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet

Hello - we are dropping in with a timely reminder about victim blaming and why we don't allow it. We're likely to delete posts that question what a victim could have done differently or hold them responsible.

Please also take a look at our We Believe You campaign.

Thank you Becky

They'll delete this i'm sure.
But it does cross my mind sometimes whether if the person who was abused by my abuser before I was had reported him, had raised the alarm, I might have never had that experience and might be a normal person who doesn't jump ever time they hear a certain name and can trust people. And if she'd given evidence or a witness statement, the case against him would have been stronger. She could have helped but she didn't for whatever reason and he was free.. I wonder sometimes if she thinks about it too. I wouldn't want that on my shoulders.

Delete away HQ

@BrilliantBetty maybe somebody did and they were ignored along with the other 99% of victims.

What do you think happens to a perpetrator just because someone makes a complaint? Do you think his ability to harm disappears immediately? Because actually what is more likely to happen is he's bolstered by the idea he can officially get away with it all now.

It is NOT on women to prevent men harming other women. Repeat this to yourself, over and over again.

Incidentally I'm sure there were victims before me and I hold absolutely no grudge towards them for not coming forward, I only feel sad and furious that they had to experience what I did.

I think before people say "You could help others" you have to bear in mind I was a child, age 6 when I was raped, and it's deeply, deeply insensitive to pile that responsibility on a child

OP, I can't imagine what you have been through (including being let down by your mother). I think your children being the same age as you were when you were abused makes everything particularly acute.

Don't go, you cannot and should not have to see your abuser, and give whatever excuse sits best with you including accepting the invite then saying on the day I'm ill / babysitter ill and let you down. But pls don't go, and don't feel pressured to tell your brother about what happened if you aren't feeling ok with that.

for you xx

I'm amazed it needs to be said: if you have replied with any variation of the following you are victim blaming, and behaving incredibly poorly:

• You should go to the police to help/protect other victims
• Other victims need your help
• Your family/brother deserve to know about the abuse you endured
• You should report/face this as a sign of bravery/strength
• You should report/face this to keep your dignity/self respect intact

Interestingly, she's here asking about advice on handling the wedding invite. Your opinions on the police are uncalled for and unnecessary

100% agree @ShowMeTheSugar

Hi OP, as it’s often said on Mumsnet, if you plan a child free wedding, you can’t expect everyone to be able to make it. Not everyone can get childcare for that long. I’m sure your brother won’t like it but the Scottish Highlands for a few days is pretty inaccessible. I’m so sorry your Mum has been so awful. Sending best wishes.