To not go to my brother's wedding - *trigger warning sexual abuse*

[YourFinestPantaloons]

Brother getting married August next year, recently announced. We get on and I love him but I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm in Yorkshire, he lives in the Scottish Isles which is where he's getting married. Meaning I'd have to stay over minimum of 2, probably 3, nights just for travel purposes. I'm a single mum (with a boyfriend who I don't live with and who hasn't met my kids as it's only been 5 months) with 2 kids, and it's a child free wedding. I've already planned summer holiday contact time with exH (he's abroad with his GF on that date) and the wedding falls on my dates. Everyone I'd pick to watch them for 2/3+ nights will be at the wedding!

If kids were invited I wouldn't have taken my boyfriend. I don't plan for him to meet the kids, let alone spend a break away with them, anytime soon. But I don't want to go to a wedding on my own either.

But the big reason is, a family member who sexually abused and raped me as a child will be there in the wedding party, making a speech too. The thought of me clapping eyes on him as everyone applauds him makes me feel sick. Ive never been to the police or anything, my mum knows about the abuse (and has done nothing about it) and so do a few people like close friends and my boyfriend but nobody else does. Not my brother or siblings.

My family (mum and siblings) think it's awful that I won't even attempt to make childcare plans. I have good friends I could leave my kids with, but I don't really want to TBH. They will be 6 & 10 and I think it's just too far with no parent nearby for that long. They say I'm being precious

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'. I'm actually really REALLY wound up that he just doesn't fucking get that I don't want to do that. It's not some carthatic thing I can get out my system, I don't forgive this man and I don't want to see him, unless he's gonna be on fire or something. I haven't seen him for over a decade, and I've come very far in my recovery from that abuse - last time I saw him I had barely acknowledged that it even happened and that what did happen was my own fault anyway.

AIBU to give a firm no to the wedding now? My brother said he will 'seriously fall out with me' if I don't go

last time I saw him I had barely acknowledged that it even happened and that what did happen was my own fault anyway.

Ohh! Why do we women do this? We feel it is our fault even though it was their deliberate intentions. I just wish I knew you personally, I would hug you and say in your ear "this is not your fault"". Some men are just structured that way that they will abuse women because they know women wil not say anything!!!!

Have you thought of telling your dB what happened to you as a child and you will not feel safe in the same room as the rapist abuser. Ditch your Mum. She should have protected you and gone to the police when you told her. Instead she chose to protect the rapist abuser. When you feel ready go to police. He might have abused and raped others and may still be doing it.

Hii @YourFinestPantaloons , I'm shocked at some of the things some people have said.

You have to do what's best for your wellbeing- which IMHO is to say no, especially as you have children, it's even more important that you keep yourself well as you're responsible for them. I don't have kids but that's how I would think.

I recently cut ties with my father and step mother. I feel nothing but relief. Cutting ties with toxic or unsupportive family members might be something you might want to consider. xxx

As to your boyfriend- you seem to have your head screwed on. If he talks more smug b.s. of any kind then he should be an ex.

Watch out for or consider any other red flags there've been.

Someone on this thread is being disingenuous at best and purposefully cruel at worst.

OP the wedding is a red herring. Your real issue is you’re dealing with the trauma of childhood abuse alone, abuse that was validated by your own mother. You are trapped in secrecy, hiding it from your brother to keep from rocking the boat. Not your fault. Don’t go to the wedding. I do think you should tell your brother the truth but I can understand why you wouldn’t want to. I’d be low or no contact with my mother in this situation.

This is so hard... I'm so sorry. You can never get away from abuse like this... it keeps coming up with every wedding, christening and funeral. My mum never accepted it nor supported me. She told lots of friends and relatives her version, the one she minimised, limited to what she wanted to have happened, not actually what I told her had happened and I would go along to these family gatherings, to keep the peace, knowing that everyone, apart from my sister, would be looking at me with accusing eyes and wondering if I felt so bad about it, why was I there? I felt undermined at every moment. Now many of them are dead so I don't have to worry about it, but I feel for you, I really do.

Sorry for the mistakes; I have to use speech to text and sometimes it doesn't enjoy working with my dialect.

I told my DH about how I was sexually abused as a child after we had been together for 18 years. I hadn’t told a soul for decades because when I told my Mother as a 10 year old she dismissed it. I kept my distance from her.

My abuser who was my stepfather died when I was 13, it was the happiest day of my life. So I was never in your position.

Tell your brother and other relatives and protect children by doing this. If they choose to not believe you then they are awful people but you have done everything you can do to warn them.

Your BF is monumentally stupid.

I think this sounds like a good opportunity to start distancing yourself from your family in general. It's fucking awful that your mum didn't stick up for you like she should have. I could never forgive that. She will probably never be who you need her to be. I'm so sorry OP.

As for your brother... I suppose we can't really blame him if he doesn't know. But even putting the abuse issue to one side, it is a bit ridiculous of him to expect a single mum to travel to a remote location for several days and not invite her children to the wedding. I'm really surprised he's so upset about you saying you probably can't go, because if I were him I would actually be expecting you not to come under these circumstances. I wouldn't leave my kids with a friend for several days. It's too long.

This makes my blood boil. Why on earth is the OP having to miss family reunions or tell lies when she is a victim of a crime while the perpetrator gets off scot free? In my opinion she should tell her mother (who has known about this crime for all these years) to tell the criminal to make some excuse to opt out of the wedding. If the mother refuses then OP must tell the brother what this man did. Has the OP to go through this charade every time there is a family event?

@MatildaIThink

I think you need to tell your brother about the abuse. I would have been very upset if my brother did not attend my wedding, even more so if I later found out that the reason was because I had invited someone who had sexually abused him.

Don't let the abuser come between you and your brother.

This!

Don't make excuses for not attending. You will fall out with your brother. You need to be honest. If you don't want to mention the abusers name until after the wedding then just tell your brother that it was one of the wedding guests.

Don't go to the wedding but tell your db the real reason.
I can never comprehend how a parent doesn't believe their own child when they disclose being abused .

So sorry for what you've been through, @YourFinestPantaloons.

I think you should refuse to go to the wedding entirely. If your DB presses you for a reason, tell him what you can - that you don't wish to face That Man for historic reasons. (I'm assuming he's either your sperm donor or a step version). If he really wants to know more (doubtful) then tell him it's just too painful to recount details, but you're not going and that's final.

I don't think your boyfriend was trying to be controlling, or even showing red flags - I think he's just horribly naive and thinks he's being supportive by helping you to face your fears - something which works in other situations, but not in this one. Hopefully he's learnt now from you that he's wrong and won't try it again.

If you're on FB, you should be able to read this post by Dr Jessica Taylor www.facebook.com/jessicaforenpsych/posts/4726380107374666
I hope that it helps you in confirming that you are doing the right thing For You - and remember, at this stage, no one else matters. Your mother has failed you already - now you have to take care of you.

OP I can entirely understand why you don't want to report it to the police, given the issues with prosecuting current day cases, let alone historic ones. I would though try to explain to your brother why you won't be going, as otherwise he may keep trying to proffer solutions to your childcare issues, which will just drag out the back and forth on the subject. There's a risk it may cause additional drama, but apparently snubbing his wedding is likely to do that anyway, and he may surprise you by being more understanding than you expect. It may be easier to write him a letter than trying to have that conversation on the phone though.

My dh was a victim of csa from age 9 to 18..
His abuser was the hero of the family. An amazing family friend who tried so hard to get dh to go to school and to meet his friends at the cafe his friends all hung round at (that his abuser owned…)
He came to our wedding
I know now that it was blackmail.
If you don’t invite me I’ll tell your girlfriend etc
Dh didn’t tell until his parents and the abuser were dead
Horrible horrible memories of my wedding now
I hated the family friend anyway
He went to prison for child sex offences but dh family still thought he was wonderful and innocent
These people are devious and convincing
No one would have believed dh back then. I know it.(except me. I was very vocal on that man. Hated me from the start as I knew he was evil. I just naively accepted dhs denial when I asked him)
I digress
Don’t go.
Tell your bro how much you love him. Tell him you can’t leave your kids
Tell him anything. But you don’t have to tell THAT

@WingingItSince1973

@PurpleOkapi you are truly a horrible person who should keep these damaging opinions to themselves. Years of living with soul destroying child abuse isn't a knee jerk reaction. I cant even begin to unravel the other rubbish you've posted. Just go away!

Well said

I think the wedding brings things to a head but it’s not at all the main issue. It sounds like you’ve done so well as a survivor and have a good life and are a caring mother. However you have experienced trauma and the most important thing is that you have support with that and aren’t constantly punished and shamed for your trauma.

Don’t let the wedding force your decisions before you are ready eg who you tell, confronting your abuser etc, going to the police.

It’s YOUR choice how you process YOUR experience. You may want to do any of those things but you also may not ever want to do those or you may want to do them at a different pace. That’s fine. All of those things have consequences so whatever you do make sure you have good support for yourself from good friends or a counsellor (your boyfriend clearly isn’t equipped to help).

Finally there are a few arseholes on this thread. It’s not your responsibility for picture perfect family events if someone I was close to told me there was something that they really can’t bear to do I wouldn’t fall out with them as that would be totally unreasonable. I’d be concerned and supportive. We don’t live in soap operas- normal loving relationships accept that life is complex.

OP, I'd consider distancing yourself from your family. Your mum has colluded in abuse. People in your family respect and adore the rapist and would believe him over you. You have children who will be at risk from these people (in these situations, it's not just the rapist who is a safeguarding risk) and honestly it must just make you feel like shit to have to go to family events and pretend like it's all fine when you've been so horribly treated.

It might help to start distancing yourself, and maybe this wedding is a good start to that. Tell your brother you're not going to be there, it's not possible for you to attend because of childcare and travel. Let him be angry, let the family be up in arms all they want. Ignore their messages. Tell them they're not allowed to speak to you that way.

It sounds like you are doing well in life and have your head screwed on. Consider the benefits of ditching your family altogether. I do think it might be worth explaining why - they won't listen or believe you, but there will be others in the family who know the truth. It's not your responsibility to join in the defence of this man or of anyone who hurt and abused you.

I really feel for you OP. But I think you are making the right decision.

There isn’t a solution that’s going to keep everyone happy. If you think that DB wouldn’t believe you, don’t tell him about the abuse. Could you play along that you are going (alone) and then cancel nearer the time, whether ‘childcare issues’ or ‘illness’. Book refundable travel and accommodation if you need to. I get that it’s not ideal to RSVP and not turn up but you won’t be rocking the boat with the family in advance of the wedding and you won’t see your abuser.

I just wanted to say how impressed I am with your strength. I have worked with survivors of csa and to a fair proportion of them the life you have created for yourself would be out of reach.
If you think reporting to the police or telling your wider family would cause you more pain for no gain and risk your current stability then you are doing the right thing saying nothing.
I would just tell your brother you can't get childcare and you love him, but if he is going to not forgive you for being a good mother then that's on him.
If you have regular contact now it will probably blow over, if you don't it's possible this will cause a long term estrangement.
Your still right to prioritise your own mental health and your children's happiness over a wedding!
If your mother tries to lay on the guilt I'd be frank and tell her people who don't protect their children don't get to have an opinion on their lives. She is very lucky you are even still talking to her.
Take care

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'

No woman needs a partner like this, especially a woman who has been a victim of abuse.

OP, forgetting your family for a moment what support and therapy have you ever had? Have you received any help from a properly trained therapist in trauma informed therapy techniques? If not is this something you are ready to look into?

You say your mother connived with your abuser which made me wonder - is the abuser old enough to have abused her as well when younger within a small community? If so then yes, few victims would feel able to reveal what happened in a small community and most of them won't be believed in this situation. I'd bet you were not his only victim.

I think you need to focus on your own recovery and future and take your time to work out how and if you tell key family members.

What an awful predicament op. I'd be minded to tell your db the real reason why you don't want to go. If he doesn't believe you, you won't be any worse off as he says he's going to seriously fall out with you anyway if you don't go.

You probably wouldn't want to do this, but I also wondered - if you have any way of contacting your abuser - whether you could write to him and say that you want to go to your db's wedding but can't if he's there. So he either makes an excuse to drop out or you'll tell everyone why you aren't going.

Pantaloons, I am so sorry how horribly unsupported you have been over this whole vile business. I'm just a random on the net, but am furious & disappointed in your mother. It must have been so very difficult to deal with, & here it is again - not just the fact of the abusing shit being at the wedding, but having to experience that total lack of empathy again with your mum's "just get over it & be there" attitude.
It's shocking.

So is your brand new b/f.
How dare he centre his own wishes for how you should handle this bloody wedding above your own? All very well for him to talk the big talk about bravery & 'facing' your abuser, as he's not the fucking victim. I would also be very concerned he might be fantasising about Plans he might be making, to act the 'hero' on your behalf ... sorry to cause an additional worry but he's awfully quick to jump in & cast you in a role of his choosing here. isn't he?

AIBU to give a firm no to the wedding now? My brother said he will 'seriously fall out with me' if I don't go

Yeah, you could certainly do without losing any more support from family members. The thing is, you are going to have to choose between the original reasons for not having told your brother about the abuse, & whether you still feel unable to open up to him about it, or letting him know why it's simply not safe for you to attend.

"DB, I would be devastated if you fell out with me. But there is something serious we need to discuss. I don't want it overshadowing your wedding, & I don't want to be punished for it again, but in order for you to understand, I need to talk to you about something that happened years ago & is still very, very painful to me ..."

& TELL HIM.
You know your DB, & whether he is likely to be more - I was going to write 'reasonable' but actually I mean a fucking decent human, than your bloody mother, about what happened to you.

I imagine it also makes a difference who the perpetrator was, & what the relationship between them & your brother is like. Because although what we would all hope is that DB instantly says "it was Uncle Perv? - he is SO uninvited now!" & responds with concern & love for you ... DB was raised by your mother too.
And family dynamics can be weird.
It would be awful if you put yourself through the stress & sorrow of revelation, only to be met with anything along the lines of "but that was years ago" or "my wedding is more important than your sexual abuse" ...

But I would love you to be able to talk truthfully with DB, be supported by him, & maybe even find some catharsis in having a close family member on Team You.