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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to my brother's wedding - *trigger warning sexual abuse*

251 replies

YourFinestPantaloons · 22/10/2021 19:36

Brother getting married August next year, recently announced. We get on and I love him but I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm in Yorkshire, he lives in the Scottish Isles which is where he's getting married. Meaning I'd have to stay over minimum of 2, probably 3, nights just for travel purposes. I'm a single mum (with a boyfriend who I don't live with and who hasn't met my kids as it's only been 5 months) with 2 kids, and it's a child free wedding. I've already planned summer holiday contact time with exH (he's abroad with his GF on that date) and the wedding falls on my dates. Everyone I'd pick to watch them for 2/3+ nights will be at the wedding!

If kids were invited I wouldn't have taken my boyfriend. I don't plan for him to meet the kids, let alone spend a break away with them, anytime soon. But I don't want to go to a wedding on my own either.

But the big reason is, a family member who sexually abused and raped me as a child will be there in the wedding party, making a speech too. The thought of me clapping eyes on him as everyone applauds him makes me feel sick. Ive never been to the police or anything, my mum knows about the abuse (and has done nothing about it) and so do a few people like close friends and my boyfriend but nobody else does. Not my brother or siblings.

My family (mum and siblings) think it's awful that I won't even attempt to make childcare plans. I have good friends I could leave my kids with, but I don't really want to TBH. They will be 6 & 10 and I think it's just too far with no parent nearby for that long. They say I'm being precious Hmm

My boyfriend thinks me and him should just go, and that I should be 'brave' and 'face my abuser'. I'm actually really REALLY wound up that he just doesn't fucking get that I don't want to do that. It's not some carthatic thing I can get out my system, I don't forgive this man and I don't want to see him, unless he's gonna be on fire or something. I haven't seen him for over a decade, and I've come very far in my recovery from that abuse - last time I saw him I had barely acknowledged that it even happened and that what did happen was my own fault anyway.

AIBU to give a firm no to the wedding now? My brother said he will 'seriously fall out with me' if I don't go

OP posts:
Original poster
YourFinestPantaloons · 22/10/2021 23:18

@HijHij Thanks

That's what I fear! And yes I no longer buy into the "you could stop him from doing it to another child" narrative - as if making one report ever stopped anyone considering 99% of rapists get away with it and almost all reoffend. I won't shoulder the blame for a broken system and evil predators.

Too all the survivors on this thread, thank you for having the bravery to share Thanks

OP posts:
SammyScrounge · 22/10/2021 23:18

It's your call, not your brother's, your mother's, or your BF's. You have suffered enough without this pressure to conform.

Pippy1900 · 22/10/2021 23:19

You should tell your brother about the abuse. Then go to the wedding. This person has taken enough away from you, don’t let him take being at your brother’s wedding. Then tell the Police and make this man accountable for his actions. He is spoiling time with your family and he could be doing this/has done it to another child.

ShowMeTheSugar · 22/10/2021 23:20

I'd do as some have suggested before and tell a white lie that of the friends you trust none can provide childcare and truthfully neither can your ex.

I don't think your brother is wrong be upset that you don't appear to be bothered about making arrangements so you can come, but at the same time he chose a childfree wedding and this is one of the consequences. As it is, it gives you an out. Id really hope if he ever did find out the true reason he would understand, but agree that's no guarantees there.

Its a shit situation OP, but I think you're right to put yourself first here. Don't go, give the "tried but can't get childcare" reason and perhaps try to get your mum to run some interference for you.

greendiva · 22/10/2021 23:30

You absolutely don't have to go, I hope you can find the strength to report him when you feel able. So sorry your mum is not supporting you on this. Also your boyfriend is being extremely unsupportive and not listening to your feelings at all. Please consider if the relationship is meeting your needs.

tigerinyourtank · 22/10/2021 23:32

@Lotusmonster

Consider going and handing a card to the rapist. Inside write “You need to feign sudden illness and leave immediately. All details of your abuse of me are logged with my solicitor in the event of harm coming to me. Choose to stay, and I will tell all” That will wipe the smile off his face.
Stop being so FUCKING ridiculous.
Partyowl · 22/10/2021 23:33

Secrets and lies. Too exhausting and toxic OP.

peachesarenom · 22/10/2021 23:34

Don't do anything you don't want to do. You can tell whoever you like, you can choose not to tell anyone too. It's all up to you and in your own time.

For what it's worth in your position I definitely wouldn't go. If I couldn't tell my brother or didn't want to then I'd tell h something else believable and invite him and his new bride to Yorkshire for a mini break. Then you can make some happy plans.

I don't know about your boyfriend. I can't understand what he was thinking.

Original poster
YourFinestPantaloons · 22/10/2021 23:37

@Lotusmonster with respect, and I know your comment came from a good place, but as much as I'd like to be as kick arse as that, this isn't a movie. It's real life and if I did that he'd laugh at me, rip it up and say "go on then, they're all here, speak up" because he knows I couldn't and he's a power junkieSadI feel like I'm throwing something of a pity party here, I don't mean to but this is just the very sad and realistic reality of being a survivor of historic CSA. It took me nearly 15 years to even say the words "I was abused" to myself out loud. When you spend your childhood gaslighted into thinking your abuse is not only not-a-big-deal (a narrative backed up by my mother) but that it's also your fault that shit is hard to shake!

OP posts:
WingingItSince1973 · 22/10/2021 23:39

Dear OP I've also had a similar experience 15 years ago when my younger brother was killed (he was 28) My mum invited his estranged dad, my abuser, to his funeral even though he hadn't seen my brother in 20 years. I had just had a baby by c section and was in shock as my brother had been murdered and my mum leaned on me to organise the funeral etc. She didn't goto the crematorium part but the 'wake' afterwards was packed with my ex step dad and all his family who I hadn't seen since I was a child. He had the nerve to come up to me and shake my hand!!! I was too dumbstruck to do anything but walk away. Looking back I wish I had been more assertive. My mum too brushed the abuse under the carpet even though evidence was found hidden in the house so there was no way anyone could deny it. They split up but I was still sent to stay with him with my brother for weekends etc. I battled with depression and suicidal thoughts all my life and it took me until my 40s to come to terms with everything and my mums attitude. My brother knew about his dad's abuse of me as it came out in a family row once but it was again hushed up. I wouldn't report him either as the same reasons as you plus I have managed to have a stable and now quite loving relationship with my mum over the last few years and we have a huge family so it would totally rock a big boat for me to do this plus I'm not wanting to go back down that route of memories. I've managed to deal with it hopefully as best I can and have a good happy life with my children and husband. I once heard that my abuser was injured and couldn't get medical help and was left for hours on a roadside, that was a moment of happiness for me. I do hope that he lives with the fear of one day the police coming to his door. I totally understand why you would want to not goto your brothers wedding. Handle it the way that protects you the most. It's easy to say tell your brother but we don't know your family dynamics and the aftermath. Sorry if this makes no sense and it's all been about me but I wanted you to know that us CSA survivors have to deal with such an array of emotional and mental issues it isn't clear cut and dried as some would think. Lots of love to you xxxx

Throckmorton · 22/10/2021 23:43

You know what - you should do whatever suits you. You've been through hell, you're already brave and amazing, and you owe nothing to anyone. Sod the lot of them - put you first. Hugs.

imasurvivor2 · 22/10/2021 23:44

@YourFinestPantaloons I think you're very brave. And the fact you do not want to go and want to protect yourself and your children shows how strong you are. Please keep protecting yourself.

There's lots of well meaning posters or those saying report him but it's not that simple as the OP has said. Only she knows whether that will help her or not and as she's said, that's not the best thing for her. Reopening traumatic memories is overwhelming and difficult to deal with. Sometimes you struggle to keep going so reporting is not just filling in a form

Sn0tnose · 22/10/2021 23:51

I completely understand why you feel the way you do. I can’t tell my brother and that’s even with the belief that he’d absolutely believe me. There is no way on earth I’d be able to sit in the same room as that person, let alone speak to the police. Essentially, the only important thing is that you do the best thing for you and what’s going to let you be able to sleep at night.

I think your brother is going to refuse to accept that you can’t attend because of childcare and I think your mother may well try to deny all knowledge of what you told her. I have a horrible feeling that you’re going to be forced into a situation where you either fall out with them or are forced to ‘go public’. Fucking awful choice either way. I hope your brother surprises you with his understanding.

timeisnotaline · 22/10/2021 23:56

Do you think you can tell your brother? Tell him your mum knows and may not care which is a huge issue with you, that it still haunts you and you’ve promised yourself if you ever ever ever see him again you will pour petrol on him and light him on fire? Maybe he will agree better not at his wedding then…

WingingItSince1973 · 22/10/2021 23:57

@PurpleOkapi you are truly a horrible person who should keep these damaging opinions to themselves. Years of living with soul destroying child abuse isn't a knee jerk reaction. I cant even begin to unravel the other rubbish you've posted. Just go away!

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 23/10/2021 00:02

Why is this rapist doing a speech at the wedding? Tell your brother and shut the man down right now. Chances are you wont be the only person he has done this to. Do it for them and yourself and best wishes and love to you xxx

tricky29 · 23/10/2021 00:13

Your mum is the problem here. She should be ashamed of herself. You deserve better than her as a mother. She should be your protector.

If you can do it, tell your brother why you can't come. If you feel you can't or don't want to, don't go to this wedding and don't feel bad for not going. You have to protect yourself.

I'm sorry that this abuse was done to you and hope you know that by not going you are doing the best thing for your well-being.

Pippy1900 · 23/10/2021 00:16

Totally aside from the CSA - how can your brother expect you to attend a wedding as a single mum - with all your family there and not bring your children. Maybe he needs to be asked to come up with the plan that will make this work and he will realise how ridiculous this request is. N

stitchy · 23/10/2021 00:21

I get where you're coming from. Don't risk fallout that might impact you and your recovery just make childcare excuses that protect you from it all and avoid. Watching an abuser be lauded is painful

I was also abused when I was a teenager (by a family friend etc man 40yrs older) in a way that would not stand up in court so I have always just distanced myself from it. He has been in my parents house since disclosure, my parents just couldn't believe it of him, maybe I was confused and his account was accurate. He died recently (🎊) I have been checking social media for a few years waiting for his death which feels awful but once it happened has felt like a relief if not a celebration. Turns out the shitness felt by victims never ends. But also: fuck yeah that bastard is dead.

NameChange2PostThis · 23/10/2021 00:23

@YourFinestPantaloons I believe you.

I am Shock and Hmm at some of the comments you’ve received. Flowers for you.

Based on everything you’ve said, I do not think you should go to this wedding, even though it will disappoint your DB.

I think your best bet is to tell your brother sorry, but it’s been impossible to get a babysitter, everyone you know is away, having a baby, working, whatever excuse (it’s not like he knows all your friends, just make it up). This is the consequence of having a child free wedding in the middle of nowhere, sorry bro.

If he really won’t have it, plan B, which I know that a lot of people will think is awful, but I think people who have been through the trauma of CSA deserve a free pass sometimes. Accept, and at the last minute bail out - miss your train, or have a positive PCR, or your babysitter falls ill, etc.
Don’t feel bad about it, this is for your own health and to protect your DC too.

And tell your mum to fuck off to the far side of fuck with her failure to believe you and support you.

Niffler92 · 23/10/2021 00:24

Don’t go and tell db you’re not going and why.

Halloaten · 23/10/2021 00:32

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Yaya26 · 23/10/2021 00:39

Just wanted to say thank you. My story is very similar to yours unfortunately. I, during a very rough period in my life after my mother's death and the death of my baby daughter about 10 years ago I imploded. I felt like I was cursed , never meant to be happy. I confronted my abuser (DB). It split the (sack of shit) family even further. He managed to convince almost all of them and that I was lying. He made up stories that I was crazy and trying to blackmail him. My husband and two sisters stood by me but it's never discussed. I avoid family weddings etc. Reading your comments helped me feel a bit more normal. You seem like a strong woman and a great Mum.

Lalliella · 23/10/2021 00:40

You need to tell your brother the truth. Don’t make excuses, don’t lie. There is no way if he is a decent person that he would fall out with you if he knew the truth. Please tell him.

And go no contact with your mother, she colluded in the abuse.

And your boyfriend needs to learn how to deal with this sensitively and appropriately and not make stupid suggestions, or fuck right off.

I would like to tell you to go to the police, but if you do, do it for yourself, not for other potential victims. PPs who say to do this for their sake should not be putting this on OP.

Throckmorton · 23/10/2021 00:48

Whoa, Halloaten, I'm really sorry for what you were put through, but you're being unfair to the OP. She is in no way responsible for what her abuser does. No victim is responsible for the actions of those who abuse them. The blame lies entirely on the abuser, and on the system that makes it practically pointless for people to report abuse. As I said though, I am hugely sympathetic for you for the horrific things you endured.